Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bernadette forbes on October 20, 2008 at 2:09pm

I lost my mom on September 9, 2008. She was my main source of support, love and affection. She was 46 and died in her sleep. I am still in a process of could I of done more to save her? Why did God take her from me and her family? How will I just get over it? I am also upset that her wish was to be cremated and she was, however now shes laying in a box under the table looking like Cat litter. I keep seeing her in a giant oven having her organs ,flesh, hair, nail and organs being burnt to a crisp and it's realy messing with my mind. All support offered I'de truely appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Permalink Reply by Carlo Cacioppo on October 21, 2008 at 11:36am

Good morning bernadette, this is Carlo. How do we figure out that in someones 46th earth year, perhaps the lord saw something that was going to make mom very sick in the near future and called her to him before it could even get started. Naturally we cannot turn back the clock. Some people make a decision during the course of thier life to be so comfortable with thier death, that they make a decision how they want to be buried way ahead of time and telling only one person about it. Sometimes its just a passing thought in a conversation with someone and that person takes it as fact. Being a roman catholic, I am well aware of the way the lord lifts your soul from you as you pass away and that pain and suffering are ended and only our human form remains because that is what we are accustomed to seeing every day. I am wondering why her ashes are being treated as such to be laying under the table though. Don't you have any say so on how your mom is to be cared for? There are alot of things my extended family here at Legacy including me would like to say or advise you on to help you get through this for it seems like you are looking for guidence. All of us here have to be very careful not to "cross the line" so to speak when it comes to giving advise because there may be people in your life that are in charge of things there. If this is the case, please go talk to them. It could be that this is how they feel they have to deal with this grief before they can help you with your grieving. However, it was your mom who passed and your feelings need to be taken into consideration in some way too. Let your family members know in a respectful and caring manner that you would like mom displayed somewhere other than under the table like on top of one perhaps with a few silk flowers next to her and a mass card also with a prayer on it. If one is not available then make a little card out of a piece of paper and put it next to it. As I said, we do not want to upset any family members at this trying time but your feelings for your mom need to be heard and fulfilled. Your heart cannot continue to break like this with all these thoughts of her unexpected passing and the way her wishes we're carried out. Healing with a few pleasant thoughts, one day at a time, a few flowers for her to have next to her, and sooner or later, mom will be so pleased and so proud of you with the way you showed everyone there just how grown up you handled the situation. Grieve for your family bernadette as they are grieving for you for they may be trying to protect you from breaking down by keeping mom out of site for a while. If this is the case, tell them that you are strong enough to handle it and you want mom not to be hidden from sight. She is still part of the family and she will never leave your side. Also you might try what I do every morning when I wake up. I thank the lord for letting me see another beautiful day that he has created, I say good morning to my dad who left me a few years ago to cancer, all my aunties and uncles, and grandparents and cousins and I ask them for strength to get through another day. Try hard bernadette to think of blue skys and happy days when you and mom we're doing something fun and try real real hard to smile through it all. It will get easier little by little but its going to be a little rough before it gets better. We all love you in a way you may not understand right now but always remember, be patient with your family. We Are Here For You If You Need Us, ANY DAY, ANY TIME. Carlo

Permalink Reply by Kelly McGee-Allen on October 21, 2008 at 2:16pm

having just lost my dad very suddenly to a heart attack in June at age 67, a good friend of mine suggested I read 90 minutes in heaven by Don Piper. I finished this book last night and I can tell you the book helped me so much! If you are not a believer before you read this, you will be one by the time you are done. Even though my dad's wife has completely cut off contact with my brother and me and our families, I found great comfort that Dad is in Heaven and doesn't have to deal with her treatment of us. I still miss dad every moment of every day and still cry quite often, but I know Dad is happy with Jesus and one day I hope to turn my tears of sorrow into tears of joy that he is where he belongs for eternity.

Permalink Reply by Karen B on October 21, 2008 at 4:16pm

I just have to tell you all about my night last night.
I lost my dad 10 weeks ago and have been feeling terrible. I never knew a pain like I have been feeling. It seems to be so overwelming that I found myself in tears any time I was alone.
I have been asking my dad every day to let me know he was ok. He had alzheimers and was so confused when he unexpectedly became ill.
Last night I had a "dream" like none I'd ever had.
I was with my dad and he woke and sat up and talked to me. He seemed to be at differant ages throughout my dream. With him was the presence of a baby and although I could not see it, I could feel it and hold it close to me. My dad showed me endless fields that seemed to go on forever and told me in such a passionate way that "Your not going to believe this place! It's bigger than all of us!" He also said he was looking forward to being with us all again, especially my mom. But he told me it would be fine if she stayed here with me for a while because there is no hurry. He said there is room for everyone and he would be sure to "save us a seat". He smiled so brightly and told me this was difficult to do and that he was tired and had to go. He closed his eyes and I woke up.
I woke up and was flooded with emotions and also was filled with the names and faces of lots of other people who have passed. My grandparents and my uncle and also an old friend of my dads I had completley forgotten about. I had such a feeling of overwhelming joy and love it was indiscribable.
Last night I went to sleep with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart but when I woke at 2:18 this morning I felt nothing but joy and peace.
I want to share this with anyone who felt as sad as I did and let you know that I believe you need to ask for a sign. Ask and maybe you too will feel this peace.
P.S. I lost a baby at 5 months 14 years ago and believe my dad found the baby and she is with him.
That was the baby I held last night.
May peace find all of us..

Permalink Reply by Michael Nassar on October 22, 2008 at 10:45pm

hello my name is michael,
I was reading how you have lost a parent and was just wanting to say that i am sorry for your loss. I have recently lost my mother in the past year and a half. four months later i lost my father also. my mother was taken by suicide and my father was taken by a work accident. i just wanted to let you know that whatever you are going through that it gets better. people told me that it would get better but i could not believe life would go on without my mother or father. After talking with people it really did get better. if you ever want to talk i am hear for you. that was always comforting.for me to hear from someone and shows that they care.

michael

Permalink Reply by Donna on October 23, 2008 at 5:28pm

I lost my Dad on Sept 16th, 2008. Just three days after his 83rd birthday. I am so full of pain and my Mother is not doing well with his death. I know that Dad is in heaven and he is not suffering anymore. I just miss him so much and I wish I could hear his voice again. I am the only child and I had to plan all of the arrangements and that alone almost killed me. I sat by my Dad's bed and I held his hand for the last twelve hours of his life. I witnessed his last breath. I miss him so much. I wish the pain would go away.

Permalink Reply by Debby Cacioppo on October 28, 2008 at 7:22pm

Hi Donna
I lost my Dad April 1st, 1992. I was with my Dad when he passed, I sat on his bed holding his hand, talking, and singing to him. The hardest thing by far I have ever done was watch him take his last breath knowing I could do nothing in this world to keep him here. I can't think of a day since that I haven't wanted to hear his voice, or just give him a big hug. The pain does not ever go completely away, but as time goes by it becomes more bearable. Be glad you were with him. I take comfort in knowing I was there and he was not alone when he died. Think of the happier times, and take time to grieve. It's hard to lose your Daddy, I know because I was a Daddy's girl too.

Permalink Reply by Jessica on October 29, 2008 at 2:20pm

Hello all. Yesterday was a hard day for me... Mom finally started going thru Dads clothes. She put some of them away. It hurts to see them put away, and some will probably be took to Good Will, which hurts even more. I know we can't possibly keep all of the things such as his clothes but it was really bothering me to see them gone. It's like reality is setting in once again. Just looking at things he had makes me burst into tears, thinking he will never get to use that anymore, or wear it again. I may sound crazy but this all bothered me greatly yesterday.

Permalink Reply by Kelly McGee-Allen on October 29, 2008 at 6:52pm

hi max and jessica I lost my dad on June 4th and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him with all my heart. My friend calls this the "raw period" and at times, I don't think it will ever end. My dad had a sudden, massive, heart attack; one minute fine, the next gone.

Dad's wife has made it impossible to get any closure by going through his things. In fact, she has cut my brother and I out of everything. The day of my dad's funeral, she called the florist and told them that "we" had decided we didn't want the freeze dried flowers from my dad's nosegay that was atop the casket. She made this decision on her own without telling my brother and I after telling us two days before while planning the funeral that she was ordering these for us to have as a memory of our dad.

Also, she had her friend come over a week after Dad died and help her fill out all the thank you cards and go through Dads things with her. She gave my brother dad's fishing pole and gave me a badmitten set and a croquet set saying "your dad would want you to have this." Plus, she won't even give me family heirlooms that belonged to my dad.

I just feel so sad over her treatment of us; granted we are 42 and 39 but she gave Dad the impression that she loved us and accepted us while he was alive. Now that he's gone, she won't have anything to do with us, or our children. It's like my children have lost a grandparent all over again.

Permalink Reply by Jessica on October 30, 2008 at 12:43pm

Hi Kelly! I think death brings out the best or the worst in people. I hate to hear that she behaved this way with YOUR Dad's things. You and your brother should have got the majority of the things not her in my opinion.

Permalink Reply by Jessica on October 30, 2008 at 12:37pm

I have a chest that ive began putting all of his things in, and it does help a little to know that I have them. Theres still just so many things that I have no clue what to do with.

Permalink Reply by Jacque Curtis on November 10, 2008 at 9:23pm

I just moved from one state to another state when three weeks later my father had passed, August 23, 2008. I knew he was quite ill the past 1 1/2 years. My father has been on dialysis for about 13 years and each year when my family and I would see him on Thanksgiving he seem to get weaker and weaker. My dad has always been a strong will and independent man on up till he died. I often thought when I was a little girl and even an adult, you think your parents are not to die until they were 100 or some higher age. I could not picture them dying because they were not suppose to do that. Silly,isn't it. I am an emergency room nurse and I sometimes deal with the death and dying and I would be strong,but when it came to my Dad. Boy, I was wrong. I guess that makes me human. Well the one person who is strong, is my mother who has a strong Christian background and has plenty of support has put me back on my feet. I miss my Dad and always will, but I know our place here on earth is temporary and will all be up there with our loves one permanently.

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