Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Donna Elliott on April 1, 2009 at 8:40am

On March !5 2003,my husband died while I was at work,my 17year old son found him. Even though it has been 6 years I just can't seem to get over him,he was my life. My heart is still broken,sometimes I think it would be easier just to die myself. He left me with 2 great kids a nice home and many beautiful memories of 24years together,but I cannot imangine dating again because somehow I feel like I am cheating on him,when will the hurt stop? Sometimes I think things are getting better but then I find myself crying again. My kids are now married and out on their own so I'm alone at home. I don't understand some people get over this quick marry and go what is wronge with me?

Permalink Reply by sue on April 1, 2009 at 11:08am

Donna, this struggle is different for each one but I really encourage you to try really hard to get on with your life and try to find happiness again. You are still young. Maybe you won't ever want to marry again but I encourage you to find a purpose to give meaning to your life.
I too struggle but it has been less than a year. Each day I try to remind myself of what I have, did have, and will have and I feel strongly that we are still here for a reason and we must try to find that reason. It sounds like you have children, and maybe even grandchildren. That is my case, and I don't feel like I want to bring anyone into this life that is now mine but was ours. Maybe you feel the same but there has to be purpose or there will only be dispair.
I honestly pray that you will find that purpose because we are all here for a time and a season and you are alive because you are supposed to be alive. Try not to think to much about dying because this is your time to live. suep

Permalink Reply by Donna Elliott on April 1, 2009 at 11:50am

Thanks so much Sue,sometimes it helps to know someone else knows how you feel,I know it sounds like all I do is sit and cry, but I do try to do things outside of the home,work etc For some reason it is just taking me longer than most. Thanks for your reply

Permalink Reply by George Allen on April 1, 2009 at 3:10pm

Donna I know how you feel. I'm very sorry that you are going through this but I must say it makes me feel a little better to know there are others who feel like me. July 15 will be four years since my wife Judy died at 52 years of age and I seem to be stuck in 2005. I tried going out to dinner with a couple of ladies in the last year or so but I just couldn't wait to get back home with my memories. The last one told someone "George will never get over Judy" and she was exactly right. I think there"s different levels of love and the deeper you love the harder it is lose someone. In fact I'm sure of it. I love Judy so much I would live for her or die for her. As someone said in an earlier post I do feel very fortunate to have experienced that kind of love that may be what's going on with you. There's nothing wrong except you love you husband so deeply. I don't think most people love that way. I've read that there comes a time when this sad sorrow turns to sweet sorrow. I have about 5% sweet and 95% sad - at least I made a little progress. God Bless You!
George Allen

Permalink Reply by sue on April 2, 2009 at 9:06am

Donna, I am glad you are continuing to try to find your way in this life without your husband. I don't think there is a time period with this type of loss. As you know the loss of your husband or wife is such a loss, nothing compares in my opinion.
As far as the "depth of love" per George's comments, I do understand but I feel that I am honoring the love my husband and I shared by trying to find a way through this pain and grief and coming out on the other side with joy. I don't believe you ever "get over it", but I do so hope that the loss doesn't define the huge amount of love and joy we shared and the memories are not only of the loss but of the amount of gain I experienced in having a love that filled my doubts with trust and my life is forever changed because of what we shared. Our love changed us.
I don't think I will remarry but I am 60. If I were 40ish maybe. I don't want to stay in this state of grief and loss. I don't know what the time period is but I know that I will strive to begin each day with hope and promise and a willingness to hear what the lord has for me in my future. My life is and always was in his hands and he gave me Tom, what is not to trust?
George And Donna, I believe your loved ones would want you to be happy and if that is with or without another life partner then they would still want you to be happy. It is hard for me to imagine that my husband would want me to be sad and full of dispair for the rest of my life, it seems to dishonor what we had.
I am training for foster parenting and I feel sure that is what I am supposed to be doing at this point. I have so much love to give and there are so many children in need of love and acceptance. This may not be for you but whatever you do in your life I so believe we are to look for promise.
You are both in my prayers and my hope is that you will find a brighter tommorrow.
I will never understand why my husband died at 54 years old and it was the worst thing I have experienced to date but I know it was always my experience to have and like I have said many times, "many people live their whole life and don't have this type of love". I was and am blessed. His love will never leave me but I am still alive and what we have is also but just not in the physical sense. I know in my heart he would be proud of me because this didn't kill me but makes me determined to live life to the fullest for both us. I would hope that he would have felt the same if it had been me. I know I would want him to. Suep

Permalink Reply by Donna Elliott on April 2, 2009 at 9:17am

George,
Thanks for replying,I guess there are lots of us out there feeling this way,and I am so thankful that God gave me Marshell for 24 years.I work at a college and there are so many kids that need love and understanding,I have been trying to pass some of the love we had on to them,as probably your Judy would want you to do with any extra love you have.I will remember you in my prayers,because I do know how much it hurts.Good Luck Donna

Permalink Reply by Angelica on April 2, 2009 at 10:38am

I wish I would have found this forum sooner. I think this is really helpful to the grieving process. I have felt alone in my grief. I felt that no one around me know or understand what I personally was going through. I lost my fiancé Ben to cancer in August of 2005. He was the whole world to me. We meet in early 2004 and it was love at first sight. We know after only a few months that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. He was everything that I ever wanted and more. When he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor our whole world came crashing down. Since surgery was not an option we had to relay on Chemotherapy and Radiation therapy. 10 months after his diagnosis there was nothing left that the doctors could do and Ben passed away. He was only 22 year old. Everyday is a constant battle to find strength and hope. Some days are harder then others. There are days I think about him and smile about all the wonderful times we had. Some days the tears are just unstoppable but giving up is never an option. Ben fought so hard and was always so strong through all he went through so I must do the same. Everyday I try to live a better and fulfilled life for him. I know that he is watching over me and that one day I will see him again.

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 2, 2009 at 11:26am

Oh i know, the " how are you?" at work or wherever. I just say " Not good", and they usually leave it at that or say they are sorry. Its a hard question. I know that most people just don't know what to say to me and thats ok. The worst one yet: I had two people at work ask me..." But you knew this was coming, right? In a tone that suggested that because she had a terminal illness, I would accept the death easier. Of course I knew for four and a half years that it could happen, but we were trying and praying to get her to denver for a transplant, so i just looked at them and said.. "No, actually i didn't". ( with a little bit of attitude as well!) Either way, it doesnt make her passing any easier even if you know it is coming. Its devastating and my life has been completely turned upside down. Everything that I knew and everything that i did just isnt here anymore. I am 43 and have two children and one grandchild. My oldest is 21 and on her own and my youngest is 11 and spends time between his father and myself so there are many many nights spent alone.. in our home.. with all her things.. but her. It will be only 6 weeks since she has passed and the services are saturday. The family was trying to give the rest of the family who is out of state time to come. I have her urn here with me in our home but she is going to be buried with her mother and I know it probably sounds selfish or morbid, but I have had her urn here with me for six weeks and...I have to put it in the ground on saturday. I wish it could stay here with me. My mother and several others think that it is not healthy for me to have this here, but I think she is right where she needs to be. When I talk to her, which is often, I look at her picture, not her urn, so I dont see where it is a problem. Over the course of the 4 1/2 years that we were together I would cry often over her illness. She would too on occassion, but she would laugh about all of it alot to deal with it. In November of 2008 she started going in the hospital more than she had before. She would be home a week here and there but went between our hospital locally and the one she passed in in albuquerque. While she was home, she was bed ridden and I took care of her completely. Which was never a burden. She was and still is the one true love of my life. When she was given 6 months to live, which was two weeks before she passed, I lost it. I couldnt stop crying no matter where I was.. i was hysterical at work on many occassions, I really didnt care who saw or what they thought. Then there was hope.. we could get her to denver in time and fought like crazy for her insurance to come through. It did...two days before she died. Many ups and downs with hope then no hope then hope. So, it feels like I have been grieving for an eternity when in reality, she passed away 6 weeks ago. As with all of us here, I can say, I don't want this life I have now. Never did. We had so many plans, so much to do. She was only 39. She is my everything. My world. I dont know what or who to be without her. Even just the little things are monumental. Stuff the she took care of that I dont have a clue about. Going to the grocery store still puts me into a massive panic attack from start to finish. People I pass in the store must think i am having an asthma attack because it is so hard to breathe. The thought that she will never be physically here with me for the REST OF MY LIFE is too unbearable to even think about. I miss her more with each passing day and I will forever be in love with her. I am still working on her memorial site but if anyone likes to put a face to a name, her name is annette mendoza. I would like to see everyones memorials on legacy as well if anyone wants. God bless everyone.

sue said:

George, you expressed such insight. I hate those words too. "how are you". I know they are meant to show concern, but how can you respond? I also hate. "sorry for your loss". What do you say?
I learned to say "thank you" but it is a struggle. My mind goes to the thought of loss. This was not someone lost, it was the loss of everything real in my life. Almost the loss of my life as I knew it.
I too did all the things you mentioned or at least thought about it. I too want to talk about Tom. I just go ahead and do it and sometimes when I mention something he said or did, people will say, "auh" like they are feeling sorry for me. That is what I feel anyway. I am however blessed with many people who loved him too and don't seem to mind talking about him and in fact do. I think they realize that I need to talk about him and like to hear about him so they talk about him to me. We have grandchildren and the 13 year old told me that she dreams about him all the time. When I asked about the dreams, she said they were just "you know hanging out". He had taken her fishing and she was dreaming about that. I was so glad to know that she is visiting with him in her dreams. She was a sickly little girl and spent so much time with us. Her father was not in her life so Tom was her male figure and she has appeared to suffer the most. That was so hard too. This 5/22/09 will already be a year and it sometimes feels like only a few weeks ago. I too get the question or comment about re marrying? How can you even think about that when you are in love with your husband. Love doesn't die. I honestly don't want to even consider marriage because I can't imagine finding the love I had twice in one lifetime.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Suep

Permalink Reply by Mari on April 2, 2009 at 4:19pm

On Dec 28th 2007 I lost the my soul mate, my lover,constant companion and best friend. i met him when I was 14 years old we have 4 children and 8 grandchildren, we started young. My world was closing in on me, it's been difficult. I was not expecting him to pass, I don't know how to explain how I feel completely, but by reading what you all are going thru, I dont feel so alone. Thank you for being brave enough to come to this place, where we can console and understand each other. I hope everyday will get better, some days are good, some days are not...I didnt say good byes to my husband, nor he had a will of what he like to happen, or say to his family. I dont feel closure in that area, I feel lost at times, misplaced. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 2, 2009 at 4:32pm

Mari said:

On Dec 28th 2007 I lost the my soul mate, my lover,constant companion and best friend. i met him when I was 14 years old we have 4 children and 8 grandchildren, we started young. My world was closing in on me, it's been difficult. I was not expecting him to pass, I don't know how to explain how I feel completely, but by reading what you all are going thru, I dont feel so alone. Thank you for being brave enough to come to this place, where we can console and understand each other. I hope everyday will get better, some days are good, some days are not...I didnt say good byes to my husband, nor he had a will of what he like to happen, or say to his family. I dont feel closure in that area, I feel lost at times, misplaced. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 2, 2009 at 4:39pm

On Dec 28th 2007 I lost the my soul mate, my lover,constant companion and best friend. i met him when I was 14 years old we have 4 children and 8 grandchildren, we started young. My world was closing in on me, it's been difficult. I was not expecting him to pass, I don't know how to explain how I feel completely, but by reading what you all are going thru, I dont feel so alone. Thank you for being brave enough to come to this place, where we can console and understand each other. I hope everyday will get better, some days are good, some days are not...I didnt say good byes to my husband, nor he had a will of what he like to happen, or say to his family. I dont feel closure in that area, I feel lost at times, misplaced. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.

I know sorta what you are feeling as far as closer. My husband to had no will and had two sons from another marriage. I thought that me and my step son were close till his dad passed away. My husband never got the chance to tell his sons what he wanted when he died it was left up to me and now they blame me for alot of things.
I am so sorry that you did'nt get to say goodbye to your husband. Though it was the hardest thing I have ever ever done I am thankful for the fact that I did get to tell him how much I love him and that I would be by his side in the eternity. My days still make no sense my nights are even worse but I know that he knew before he left that I love him. I say love and not loved cause once you find your true soulmate you don't stop loving them just because they are gone.
I hope that you get to someday say your goodbye to him cause even though he is no longer with us in body his spirit is always with you and I beleave that he can still hear you. Talk to him let him know that you love him and that you will be with him someday. You are in my thoughts and prayers may God bless you in your journey. Hopefully someday we will all have our questions answered.

Lisa

Permalink Reply by sue on April 2, 2009 at 7:45pm

Lisa, what a beautiful family. Thanks for sharing. Suep

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