Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by denise mcdowell on April 4, 2009 at 4:16am

I lost my best friend my husaband on Oct. 31,2007. He was diagnosed with conjestive heart failure in 2001 but was doing really great. He was so healthy he had rosiest cheeks pretty. He was under consist Doctors care. He woke up Oct. 12, 2007 throwing up but he wasn't sick to his stomach. I called the doctor and took him to the hospital Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth that wa friday. Sunday his doctor came in sat down next to him and told us he had about five weeks at the most. He had pacreatic cancer. No symtons no nothing, he looked at me and said is he talking about me my not sick. He had blood work every three months, why couldn't they see something. They (doctors) say it hides and doesn't saw up until its to late. Well I guess it doesn't matter he lived a total from the time he went in 19 days. I had scripters all over the walls of his room. Read the bible every single day..... We read it together, you know sometimes it just doesn't work. We have three beautiful children, my sons and daughter were raised in the church they know the word they believe the word we prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more there was a constant flow of people with us at all times my family his two brothers. Not one time did he show any fear none what so ever. He was telling constantly Denise its going to be alright. He had six doctors all of them just amased no pain what so ever none. Some did not believe him but he never complained. They say its the worst cancer there is , the most painful they prepared me and the kids what they would do they would put him in a coma state so he would be able to stand it they said it would be horrible and that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in the room with him. The Jesus that I so love none of this happened he went into liver failure because of the pancreas we talked the night before his family and church family his best friends got to spend precious time (which we didn't know) with him he joked and told stories and laughed and had such a good time. He was loving all the attention he loved it. The boys were leaving and he told them to take me home so I could get some sleep he would take no for an answer. They called me at 7:45 a.m. Oct. 31th and said he was having a hard time breathing they wanted my premission for life support.........you in all this time not one time would I allow myself to think life without Dwight I couldn't I didn't know how to, my mind wouldn't, could't go there. I think you actually go into shock I think that's how God cushion's it. He was on life support until 12:15p.m. not quite four hours they took it off he took four very soft breaths and everything stopped. My life as it was my most wonderful happy loving marriage was gone. My kids never saw us argue because we never argued are shall we say he wouldn't argue he would start telling me how much he loved me how could you argue with that you couldn't. He was a very quiet man, a gentle man the nicest man. People called him the gentle gaint. There is life that gradually comes back, you go through motions without emotions. I've cried where I didn't think I could cry anymore but you can, such a rollercoaster of emotions, but its all a process that I can't explain I couldn't if I tried. All I know is Jesus has walked with me the whole way even when I thought He had forgotten me which He hadn't I screamed I yelled I cussed yes I cussed and now the 31st. of this month will be one and a half years sinced all that happened. The 25th of this month would be our 28th anniversary we were married 26 years 6 months and 6 days. when he went home without me. One thing that I know is one day I will be with him and nothing will ever be able to separate us ever again. That is something no one can take that away from me its just having to go the rest of the way of this life without him. That's what gets me through all of this, that's what gets my our children through all of this, its been the hardest, most painful, the most lonely, the most anger, the most not knowing what to do, the most fearful walk I've had and got to do because what other choice do I have. I take one step at a time sometimes one baby step at a time because for each step I take brings me closer to him does it make it easier no, but I know that I know God has already walked before and I know the direction that I'm going is closer each and everyday. Thats what I know and you can't just stop loving someone because he's not there beside you and can't just put that down and walk away from its as real as you are you carry something so precious that no one can take away thats knowing you have been loved, you felt it, you saw it, you held it, we must be pretty special in Gods eyes to have experienced something so beautiful.

Permalink Reply by denise mcdowell on April 4, 2009 at 5:43am

My name is Denise my heart goes out to you I am so sorry I lost my husband Oct.31, 2007 to pancreatic cancer. I can tell you everything that happened in the 19 days he was in the hospital thats all the time we had knowing of it. The whole year afterwards I have no memory at all my kids and I were basically on our on, because its like no one knew what to do with us. I've only missed a couple of sundays no one spoke to me they said they didn't know what to say to me. I didn't pray I thought He (God) had left me He hadn't. He was very patient with me He let me go until I thought I was going to die and He step in and gave me the peace I so desparately needed. It takes time how long that I don't know. Each morning I tell God your going to have to get me through this one and somehow He does. There are days that I actually don't cry and then theres day I cry all day long there is no set rules its a day by day week by week month by month I haven't got to the year yet. I have to say I'm kind of disappointed in my family and my church family, but my daughter and two sons have walked this walk it has not been easy it has been the hardest thing I and we have had to do, but the Lord and Savior that I so believe in spoke to my heart one morning and told me that I had Made It Thus Far that spoke volumes to that I was going to make it. A friend of mine ask me can you hardly wait to see Jesus when we get to heaven. I told her that when I get I'm going right up to Jesus and tell wait one second then go found Dwight and pinch the day lights out of him and then love and love and love and then love some more and then go back to Jesus and tell I had to do something first I'm sorry that's ;my aim that's my goal. I hope I haven't affended anyone I hope in some small way this might help you are someone. I just want to be happy I felt so guilty, but he loved to make me laugh and I could make him laugh so hard he would take his shirt sleeve and wipe his eyes he would be crying because of laughing so hard now I would he want to take that away from me he wouldn't. I don't feel the guilt anymore he wants me to be happy and laugh thats a wonderful feeling. Thank you for letting vent I pray you have the peace that passes all understanding the peace of God.....Denise

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 5, 2009 at 5:58pm

Hi there my name is Pauline, I am 46 and I am in New Zealand..thank you to the wonderful people who started this page I feel I am able to share my feelings with someone else without feeling a burden.. I lost my love, my bestfriend, my soulmate on January 27 2009 at the yound age of 51..Graham was everything to me and I know its early days but it just hurts so bad....Graham and i had 16 wonderful years together we had our good times, bad times and even ugly times but hey we made it..this time I dont know how but I have to make it for our 7 year old son..we knew it was only a matter of time for Graham but even that didnt help when it did happen..days i sit here missing him..my whole life revolved around my husband and now hes gone im at a loss without him..counselling is helping a little but it doesnt make the nights easier or hoping that he is going to walk through the door and say "Im Back"..i wish for that just one more time so i can touch him, hold him and hug him and tell him i love him.

Losing the love of your life is so different from losing a parent ..so totally different I miss my parents and think about them often but theres such a different pain with missing Graham.

Graham and I worked together we did everything together and as sick as he was he tried his darndest to get that last inch of strength out and work until he couldnt and that was July 2008..my husband was a proud man and didnt believe his wife should be working but last year he finally realised he had to let the reins go..it was hard but he relaxed more and we even had quality time for each other and our boy. Graham was my second marriage I was his third (he was proud telling everyone third time very lucky!!) I wished I had met him years earlier.. we had so much in common and we wanted so much for our families..Graham had 3 boys and a girl and I had 2 girls and a boy..Graham and I met from a personals column and from that first phone call from him I fell in love with his soft voice and then 3 weeks down the track when he came to meet me ( 3 boys in tow) we clicked instantly and from that moment on I knew I was going to marry him...we never looked back from there on..we shared his passion of food and risktaking ventures and we lived life to the full with our 7 children..then 7 years ago we adopted a little boy when he was only 4 months old he became the love of his dads life so it has been just as hard for him too.. after his dad passed I bought him heaps of scrapbooks and when he gets lonely he writes letters/stories or draws pictures to his dad .. and when things are really tough we just cuddle and cry and watch our tribute dvd my daughter made for us...it helps us to have a good cry..it seems to be the closest thing I have left .

I had my darling cremated and I have him in the lounge on my wallunit.. I thought I might not be able to cope with it but it feels like hes still here.. my friends tell me he will always be around me and I believe that and I know that when the time comes I will let him go but until then I want him just a little longer..I will know where and when...

I think the other thing that is making it hard for me is that Graham spent nearly every second week in hospital and he died there but it feels like hes still in the hospital and I just dont go up and see him it feels strange...I still sit waiting hoping but knowing deep down hes not coming home

Graham died Tuesday 27 January 2009, we had his funeral on my youngest daughters 20th birthday 2 February 2009 and celebrated his 52nd birthday 6 February 2009 and then my birthday 19 March 2009 now just got to get past our 11th wedding anniversary June 6th..next year we will be celebrating my daughters 21st so very emotional but Graham will be there like he is with me and our son everyday...thank you for letting me write down my thoughts and god bless everyone of you.

Permalink Reply by sue on April 6, 2009 at 9:21am

Pauline, you are so right. I lost both parents but not the same as your soul mate. It sounds like you had a wonderful experience with Graham. It is still so very hard no matter what you still have.
The worst for me is in the early morning just when I wake up. I make coffee for one now and no one to share it with.
This past saturday I lost my oldest Maltese to liver problems. She just started having horrible seizures. Tom had bought her for me as a surprise almost 14 years ago. I had to put her to sleep, she had no hope. When I put her back in the car to bring home to bury, I asked the lord to take her to Tom. I still have her daughter and two little brothers. That was something he and I shared, our love for our little Maltese kids. We called them our kids. He was as bad as me. The last little boy I got after he passed. He never knew him but he would have been crazy about him because he is just so funny. I think like that at times when the little guy does something so "boy like". I think of Tom and I can just see the twinkle in his eye and the joy that passed between us with all the shared fun in our life. The other little boy layed at the back door and waited for Tom to come home after he passed and it killed me to know. He stopped doing that when the new little boy came home to live with us. They all perked up. I found my laughter too. You couldn't help it. He is just a hoot.
It is all those things you shared, the love, the trust, the assurance of someone being there and always being in your corner no matter what. It is coming up on one year for us May 22, 08, he passed but it seems some days that it is just a few days. I too just wish he would walk through that door again. Your wounds are still so fresh and it will get a little easier in some ways. The tears will not hurt physically so much. They will be more of a cleansing thing.
You are blessed to have your little boy even though their pain adds to the stress of yours. I have grands and especially the younger ones. It hurts to see their pain. I remember at the funerel (we called it a celebration of his life), the youngest little grand daughter sat right beside me and kept my hand in hers. She was trying so hard to be strong and those big brown eyes were so sad and finally a single tear just came down. They loved their pappaw so much and he loved them too. She makes me cards still and includes him. It seems they know he will always be with me. He was a fun Pappaw. I can still hear him laugh out loud. He was so full of joy. His sudden death with the brain anyerism was such a shock to all. I don't know if it would have been easier to have had to watch him suffer but it doesn't matter he is still gone physically and I still will always love him. suep

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 6, 2009 at 12:41pm

Pauline,
I to know what it is like to loose your soulmate and then have to bury them so close to a birthday. You see my husband and soulmate died on November 20, 2008. He was buried on November 25, 2008 one day before my 35th birthday. Our wedding anversary is November 4,2006. I to wait for him to come in my door and say suprise Sweet Pea (this was his nick name for me) it was just a big lousy joke and I will never leave you again. I wish that I had some words of wisdom or some good advice but I don't. People always talk about "It will get better" or "it will get easier" I have found that neither of these are true. When you lose the love of your life, your other half, your soulmate then how can it get "better" or "easier" I think and of course just my thoughts that it never gets easier or better I think it just gets tolerable and people mistake that for better. I am also glad for this discussion board as the grief groups and counsling were not helping me. It does help to know that there are others like me out there and I am not alone. May God bless you and hold us all in his arms through this joureny.

Lisa

Pauline said:

Hi there my name is Pauline, I am 46 and I am in New Zealand..thank you to the wonderful people who started this page I feel I am able to share my feelings with someone else without feeling a burden.. I lost my love, my bestfriend, my soulmate on January 27 2009 at the yound age of 51..Graham was everything to me and I know its early days but it just hurts so bad....Graham and i had 16 wonderful years together we had our good times, bad times and even ugly times but hey we made it..this time I dont know how but I have to make it for our 7 year old son..we knew it was only a matter of time for Graham but even that didnt help when it did happen..days i sit here missing him..my whole life revolved around my husband and now hes gone im at a loss without him..counselling is helping a little but it doesnt make the nights easier or hoping that he is going to walk through the door and say "Im Back"..i wish for that just one more time so i can touch him, hold him and hug him and tell him i love him.

Losing the love of your life is so different from losing a parent ..so totally different I miss my parents and think about them often but theres such a different pain with missing Graham.

Graham and I worked together we did everything together and as sick as he was he tried his darndest to get that last inch of strength out and work until he couldnt and that was July 2008..my husband was a proud man and didnt believe his wife should be working but last year he finally realised he had to let the reins go..it was hard but he relaxed more and we even had quality time for each other and our boy. Graham was my second marriage I was his third (he was proud telling everyone third time very lucky!!) I wished I had met him years earlier.. we had so much in common and we wanted so much for our families..Graham had 3 boys and a girl and I had 2 girls and a boy..Graham and I met from a personals column and from that first phone call from him I fell in love with his soft voice and then 3 weeks down the track when he came to meet me ( 3 boys in tow) we clicked instantly and from that moment on I knew I was going to marry him...we never looked back from there on..we shared his passion of food and risktaking ventures and we lived life to the full with our 7 children..then 7 years ago we adopted a little boy when he was only 4 months old he became the love of his dads life so it has been just as hard for him too.. after his dad passed I bought him heaps of scrapbooks and when he gets lonely he writes letters/stories or draws pictures to his dad .. and when things are really tough we just cuddle and cry and watch our tribute dvd my daughter made for us...it helps us to have a good cry..it seems to be the closest thing I have left .

I had my darling cremated and I have him in the lounge on my wallunit.. I thought I might not be able to cope with it but it feels like hes still here.. my friends tell me he will always be around me and I believe that and I know that when the time comes I will let him go but until then I want him just a little longer..I will know where and when...

I think the other thing that is making it hard for me is that Graham spent nearly every second week in hospital and he died there but it feels like hes still in the hospital and I just dont go up and see him it feels strange...I still sit waiting hoping but knowing deep down hes not coming home

Graham died Tuesday 27 January 2009, we had his funeral on my youngest daughters 20th birthday 2 February 2009 and celebrated his 52nd birthday 6 February 2009 and then my birthday 19 March 2009 now just got to get past our 11th wedding anniversary June 6th..next year we will be celebrating my daughters 21st so very emotional but Graham will be there like he is with me and our son everyday...thank you for letting me write down my thoughts and god bless everyone of you.

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 7, 2009 at 7:36am

HI DENISE..I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN I READ YOUR STORY.
i lost the love of my life on 17th february 2009. mark was 58 years old and after a very very painful 9 months in hospital he finally passed away.....the mention of 'gentle giant' brought tears to my eyes.....we used to call mark that..he was such a gentle soul. never hurt a fly but had to die such a painful death.
sorry hv tears running down my cheeks as i write...will have to carry on later as cannot see..

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 7, 2009 at 12:15pm

annalise samuel lapira said:

HI DENISE..I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN I READ YOUR STORY.
i lost the love of my life on 17th february 2009. mark was 58 years old and after a very very painful 9 months in hospital he finally passed away.....the mention of 'gentle giant' brought tears to my eyes.....we used to call mark that..he was such a gentle soul. never hurt a fly but had to die such a painful death.
sorry hv tears running down my cheeks as i write...will have to carry on later as cannot see..

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 7, 2009 at 1:42pm

Hi Annalis
I dont know what happened to my original reply but it doesnt matter..you cry sweetie no matter where you are what you are doing cry..it helps it seems to be the only outlet you have when you are on your own..I can be sitting watching one of our favourite tv programs and the tears just roll down my face the memories just flood back.

We are both fresh at this, its one of lifes many challenges and the most heartbreaking and hardest so hard!!!!

It has been 10 weeks and 1 day today and counting the days and the weeks has become a ritual. I made a big step yesterday and moved back into our bedroom I was in another room with my baby (7) and we shared a bed to comfort each other but I made that step and I got through it was scary but we did it both of us..

I am taking 1 step at a time some days I take 1 step forward and 3 back but I keep going if only for my boys sake.. he is hurting as much as me he was the apple of his daddys eye and to lose all that is painful for him he talks about his dad so much and I dont ever want him to forget his dad either!..

I still get angry with myself because of all the "what ifs" and "If I had only.." these things always run through my mind.

My husband was never the same since he had a triple bypass in 2000 at the young age of 42..hospitals thereafter were a part of our lives every trip always felt like the last but he battled on for 9 more years defeating all the odds but suffering at the same time and not once complaining.

I am angry that the day he did finally go I was not by his bedside, I was not holding his hand and I was not there to reassure him it was okay to go it was alright to say goodbye .. I dont think anyone knew it was going to happen so quick I was just sent out of the room so they could put an IV line in then when the Drs did come to get me to go to him he was already gone..maybe that was how it was meant to be..but I know he was struggling and I know he would not have wanted me to see him go through that.. I just remember him that same morning laughing and teasing me cause he was coming home soon but had to stay in just for a few more days to get rid of fluid and he kept on asking what was I getting him for his birthday..

So many questions .. so many what ifs .. the Drs told me that Graham at the end took off his oxygen mask and just put up his hand and said no more..even with a defibilator he wasnt going to make it so my Darling knew and I am so proud of him he was courageous to the end

Annalise like myself use this page as your solace I come here when I want to talk to someone without feeling a burden..say what you want to say cry when you want to cry I always feel better after being here I feel I have friends from all over being here so dont be afraid to let it out..

They say time heals..maybe for some but for me my clock stopped the day I lost Graham - my love, my life my soulmate.

God bless Annalise and to all the other wonderful people on this sight...one day at a time

Pauline said:

annalise samuel lapira said:

HI DENISE..I CRIED SO MUCH WHEN I READ YOUR STORY.
i lost the love of my life on 17th february 2009. mark was 58 years old and after a very very painful 9 months in hospital he finally passed away.....the mention of 'gentle giant' brought tears to my eyes.....we used to call mark that..he was such a gentle soul. never hurt a fly but had to die such a painful death.
sorry hv tears running down my cheeks as i write...will have to carry on later as cannot see..

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 7, 2009 at 4:23pm

Pauline, it has been six weeks and three days since i lost annette, and i count the weeks and days too. I understand what its like to have the hospital become part of your lives. My partner suffered from cirrohisis of the liver for 9 years and was in the hospital more than she was home starting in November 2008. She never complained either and as I took care of her the more ill she became.. she still had jokes to tell and tried to laugh. After reading everyone's story I realize that as hard as it was, I was blessed to be by her side as she passed. She was in a hospital in albuquerque, New Mexico and we lived about 3 1/2 hours south. I would drive up on tuesdays and thursdays ( my days off from work) and be with her and then drive home that night. Even though we knew she had less than six months to live, her passing was kind of a shock because her sister and I were trying so hard to get her medicaid or medicare so she could get to denver for a liver transplant and the last time i spoke with her was on the tuesday before the saturday that she passed. She was very tired, but still talking and laughing. We got the call on thursday when her dad, aunt and myself were driving up to give her the good news... she was approved for her insurance. I think i drove 100 miles an hour to get to albuquerque. When we got in her room, she was unresponsive and unable to talk or open her eyes. I kept talking to her telling her how much i loved her and thanking her for making me so happy. For three days i stayed in the hospital with her, I was numb, fainted one time, and her sister and brother had to literally hold me up walking back into her room when they told us that her pupils were fixed meaning she was in a coma. I have a lot of "what if's" like you. I wanted to be there on Wednesday when she started to become unresponsive and i couldnt be. No one could cover my shift at work. I keep thinking if i were there, We could have talked more and said our goodbyes. I think she knew that I was there though. I am sure that she heard me. But I am grateful for being given those moments before she went to be with her mom and God. I am so sorry that you were sent out of the room when your husband passed Pauline. I completely understand your anger. My world collapsed that day and it is a struggle, like all of us, to get through each one. As Lisa said, people think you are getting better because you are trying to find ways to tolerate it. I cried and screamed all day the few weeks after she died, and my eyes were constantly swollen. I begged God to "take me". I still cry everyday but not as bad as before. But the pain is just going deeper. Thats what people are mistaking from me. They think because i am "somewhat functioning" I must be healing. Far from it. I miss her more with each day and the pain of it just keeps going deeper inside my heart. Sue had said in her earlier reply that the mornings as she is waking up is one of the hardest. The moment our eyes open its like a heavy weight on our chests with the realization that they are gone. Nighttime is hard for me as well. Its so quiet. And going to bed alone without her there is excrutiating. I "attempted" to sort through some of her documents just to have them in order so I know where they are...yeah not so much... I think I managed to put about four pieces of paper in a box and couldnt continue. All of her things are as she left them in our home and I dont see myself ever getting rid of any of them so I have time to sort them out.... lots of time.. I wish peace for everyone here and I am thankful that we have a place to get our feelings out. God bless everyone

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 8, 2009 at 2:33am

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Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 8, 2009 at 2:51am

HI PAULINE
I DONT KNOW IF I AM POSTING CORRECTLY

MANY THANKS YOUR REPLY.
I FEEL SO SADDENED BY THIS BURDEN THAT WE ALL CARRY.
MARK WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY SOLE REASON FOR BEING. WITHOUT HIM I CANNOT FUNCTION....ON MAY 17TH 2008 HIS KNEES BUCKLED AND HE STARTED COMPLAINING OF EXCRUCIATING JABBING PAINS IN HIS LEGS.
LONG STORY SHORT HE ENDED UP IN HOSPITAL AND DESPITE TRYING EVERYTHING HE SPENT 9 LONG PAINFUL MONTHS ...BEDRIDDEN IN A HOSPITAL BED TO FINALLY MEET HIS DEATH ON 17TH FEBRUARY 2009. HE HAD A VERY RARE VASCULAR TUMOUR IN HIS SPINE THAT AFFECTED HIS NERVES.

THE PAIN HE ENDURED WAS TOTALLY AND UTTERLY SENSELESS AND I SUFFERED SO MUCH SEEING MY DARLING IN SUCH A DIRE SITUATION. HE WAS ON ENDLESS AMOUNTS ON MORPHINE BUT HIS BODY BECAME IMMUNE TO EVERYTHING. DESPITE ALL THIS HE NEVER UTTERED A WORD AND ALWAYS TRIED TO SMILE...HE CRIED...YES HE CRIED OUT WITH THE PAIN...AND I CRIED WITH HIM.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN HOSPITAL WITH HIM AND SLEPT MOST NIGHTS THERE. MARK HAD VERY ENDEARING MANNERS AND HE WAS MORE LIKE MY CHILD AT TIMES...I FELT I HAD TO PROTECT HIM AGAINST THIS MONSTER BUT DID NOT SUCCEED MUCH.
EVERYONE TELLS ME HE IS NOW PAINFREE BUT SELFISHLY SPEAKING I WANT HIM BACK NEAR ME...I MISS HIM TOO TOO MUCH AND REALLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE HAD AN AMPUTATION....WE HAVE NO CHILDREN..IT WAS JUST MARK AND I AND HE MADE MY LIFE SO BEAUTFUL AND SO EASY. HE WAS TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND HE GAVE ME THE WORLD.....I MARRIED LATE IN LIFE BUT HAD A BEAUTIFUL 12 YEARS WITH MY PRECIOUS.....

JUST FEEL THAT HE SUFFERED IN VAIN.....ALL THE PAIN FOR NOTHING.

I AM SUFFERING IN PAIN TOO NOW...OK IT IS NOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN MARK WENT THRU BUT JUST LIKE MARK'S IT IS A PAIN THAT NO ONE CAN FIND A CURE FOR EITHER....
I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR POSTING HERE.....IT HELPS !!

I HOPE THAT ONE DAY I CAN TELL U ALL I AM FEELING STRONGER....BUT I REALLY DOUBT IT WILL HAPPEN.

ANNALISE
(VERY PROUD WIFE OF MARK LAPIRA)

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on April 8, 2009 at 1:51pm

Thank you Annalise for the email and to answer your question…For me it hasn't gotten any better, I'm sorry to say after 8 months. I think the only thing that has gotten better is my acting skills: that is acting like it is getting better. Even my children don't understand why it is so hard for me, so I have no one. They understand the loss in a different way. I know this because I lost my parents and the pain I felt then was no where near what I feel for the loss of my life and my husband. He was my world, my future and everything that held the promise of growing old happy and complete. I started seeing a counselor again last week because I needed someone to talk to, not to fix me, I know that won't happen but I just needed to cry and scream and not have someone tell me to move on or it will get better. I told her that I don't know how to be happy with who I am and not grieve for who we were. (she did tell me I have the choice even though it doesn't feel that way I think she may be right). She asked me what it was right now that I have the hardest time with since he's been gone and my answer was "everything" then I thought about it and I think for me the hardest thing if I had to choose is... waking up, followed by sleeping or what I now know as sleep. Evey morning when I first open my eyes and am aware of my surroundings that ugly feeling that he's dead hits me like a ton of bricks. I know that he's gone but it's there... for that moment that maybe this was all a bad dream and I woke up and he's beside me again, but deep down I know that the night I just spent tossing and turning and reaching for him and waking up 5 or 6 times I know that it's not just a bad dream. In the past I have cried myself to sleep but now I cry myself awake, I never knew anything could be so painful. It's my new "normal" routine. I haven't been able to do anything with his things but cry over them. I can give it away and and there is no way I could throw it away, so it sits and waits for ???? I don't know, I am so confused and I feel like everything I do is wrong or ask myself if this is how he would do it and question EVERYTHING, all of a sudden even mowing the yard is a monumental ordeal, but at least I am slowly starting to take care of myself again, one of my kids told me if I didn't shave my legs they were doing to declare hunting season in my house....my house... even that has changed it's not my home anymore. I see him everywhere, and it's not comforting, it's an in my face reminder that my life with him is gone and I'm alone trying to carry on and he's NOT THERE anymore, so I bought a foreclosure ( I spent all our savings, which may have been stupid in this economy) and have been working on it so the kids and I can try a stab at a being us without him. I don't know if it will make it any better but at least I'm trying something now instead of just crying. I know I won't sell our old house just in case I made the wrong decision and feel I have to move back, but I have now forced myself to deal with things I have been putting off and everything is SO HARD but I have to do this or what good will I be to his boys. He would want me to make a good life for them, he fought 5 years to get them from their mom and now I won custody I’m going to do what’s right for them. So maybe in the long run I am hoping that by doing what’s right for them it will force me to find a "forever place" for him in my heart that will be a comforting place instead of a painful place. I wish I knew if it does ever get better and if I will ever stop pretending that this big black hole in my life is not really there. We used to have a saying...I love you to the moon and back and around the world, to the stars and back times infinity.... I'm trying, for him... because I do love him that much and I know that when we are together again I can tell him, I made him proud of me and honored our life together. He never talked about “what if’s” losing to the cancer was never an option. He said he loved me to much to leave me so he fought for every breath he took, even the last one. I have to continue to fight as well, maybe it will get easier but for now, I still wish I was beside him.

annalise samuel lapira said:

HI PAULINE
I DONT KNOW IF I AM POSTING CORRECTLY

MANY THANKS YOUR REPLY.
I FEEL SO SADDENED BY THIS BURDEN THAT WE ALL CARRY.
MARK WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND MY SOLE REASON FOR BEING. WITHOUT HIM I CANNOT FUNCTION....ON MAY 17TH 2008 HIS KNEES BUCKLED AND HE STARTED COMPLAINING OF EXCRUCIATING JABBING PAINS IN HIS LEGS.
LONG STORY SHORT HE ENDED UP IN HOSPITAL AND DESPITE TRYING EVERYTHING HE SPENT 9 LONG PAINFUL MONTHS ...BEDRIDDEN IN A HOSPITAL BED TO FINALLY MEET HIS DEATH ON 17TH FEBRUARY 2009. HE HAD A VERY RARE VASCULAR TUMOUR IN HIS SPINE THAT AFFECTED HIS NERVES.

THE PAIN HE ENDURED WAS TOTALLY AND UTTERLY SENSELESS AND I SUFFERED SO MUCH SEEING MY DARLING IN SUCH A DIRE SITUATION. HE WAS ON ENDLESS AMOUNTS ON MORPHINE BUT HIS BODY BECAME IMMUNE TO EVERYTHING. DESPITE ALL THIS HE NEVER UTTERED A WORD AND ALWAYS TRIED TO SMILE...HE CRIED...YES HE CRIED OUT WITH THE PAIN...AND I CRIED WITH HIM.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN HOSPITAL WITH HIM AND SLEPT MOST NIGHTS THERE. MARK HAD VERY ENDEARING MANNERS AND HE WAS MORE LIKE MY CHILD AT TIMES...I FELT I HAD TO PROTECT HIM AGAINST THIS MONSTER BUT DID NOT SUCCEED MUCH.
EVERYONE TELLS ME HE IS NOW PAINFREE BUT SELFISHLY SPEAKING I WANT HIM BACK NEAR ME...I MISS HIM TOO TOO MUCH AND REALLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE HAD AN AMPUTATION....WE HAVE NO CHILDREN..IT WAS JUST MARK AND I AND HE MADE MY LIFE SO BEAUTFUL AND SO EASY. HE WAS TEN YEARS OLDER THAN ME AND HE GAVE ME THE WORLD.....I MARRIED LATE IN LIFE BUT HAD A BEAUTIFUL 12 YEARS WITH MY PRECIOUS.....

JUST FEEL THAT HE SUFFERED IN VAIN.....ALL THE PAIN FOR NOTHING.

I AM SUFFERING IN PAIN TOO NOW...OK IT IS NOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN MARK WENT THRU BUT JUST LIKE MARK'S IT IS A PAIN THAT NO ONE CAN FIND A CURE FOR EITHER....
I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR POSTING HERE.....IT HELPS !!

I HOPE THAT ONE DAY I CAN TELL U ALL I AM FEELING STRONGER....BUT I REALLY DOUBT IT WILL HAPPEN.

ANNALISE
(VERY PROUD WIFE OF MARK LAPIRA)

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