Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on April 8, 2009 at 5:05pm

http://www.reviewjournal.com/obituaries.. search archives july 20, 2008 last name minshew if you would like to read my husbands obit and pictures.

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 8, 2009 at 7:12pm

Hi Catherine I just had a look at the obituary it is a beautiful page I wish I had something like that here....

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 9, 2009 at 2:37am

hi catherine

i can so relate to you....well to all of you.
i too cannot let go of his clothes, things and cannot live in our flat any more.
without mark it does not seem right...i am looking at moving but dont want to make any rash decisions in my present state of mind .... he loved our flat...it was his baby but i really cannot bear being there without him. i feel so lost..
am so distraught and as u say catherine the mornings seem to be getting worse..the nights are bad enough but waking up to the desolation and abyssmal sorrow is the most awful thing.>

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 9, 2009 at 8:29am

Annalise,
I to have kept all my husbands things. I still wear my wedding rings all though everyone tells me that I need to get use to being single now. I don't see myself as being a single women. Just that my husbands on a long job from day to day. That is sometimes the only way that I get through the days. Nights though are even harder when I am laying there trying to pretend. I to moved away from where we were living it was to hard for me. I just hope that this gets more and more tolerable as times goes on. Cause I know for me at least it will never get better or easier. May God bless us each one.


annalise samuel lapira said:

hi catherine

i can so relate to you....well to all of you.
i too cannot let go of his clothes, things and cannot live in our flat any more.
without mark it does not seem right...i am looking at moving but dont want to make any rash decisions in my present state of mind .... he loved our flat...it was his baby but i really cannot bear being there without him. i feel so lost..
am so distraught and as u say catherine the mornings seem to be getting worse..the nights are bad enough but waking up to the desolation and abyssmal sorrow is the most awful thing.>

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 9, 2009 at 10:47am

YES LISA...I KNOW WHAT U MEAN.
AM SICK AND TIRED OF WELLWISHERS TELLING ME 'IT GETS BETTER'.
HOW?..WHEN ?? HOW CAN IT GET BETTER WHEN I AM MISSING A PRECIOUS PART OF MYSELF..MARK WAS MY WHOLE REASON FOR BEING AND I KNOW I CAN NEVER GET BETTER. I MISS HIM FAR TO MUCH AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY HEART BREAK EVERY TIME I THINK OF MY BELOVED. GOD HELP US..

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 9, 2009 at 11:00am

I know that feeling all to well. It is sometimes hard to even speak his name without feeling the feeling that I am being torn apart with a rusty knife inside and out. I hope that maybe someday somehow someway this to will get better.

annalise samuel lapira said:

YES LISA...I KNOW WHAT U MEAN.
AM SICK AND TIRED OF WELLWISHERS TELLING ME 'IT GETS BETTER'.
HOW?..WHEN ?? HOW CAN IT GET BETTER WHEN I AM MISSING A PRECIOUS PART OF MYSELF..MARK WAS MY WHOLE REASON FOR BEING AND I KNOW I CAN NEVER GET BETTER. I MISS HIM FAR TO MUCH AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY HEART BREAK EVERY TIME I THINK OF MY BELOVED. GOD HELP US..

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on April 9, 2009 at 2:37pm

Thank you Pauline, I write in his obituary all the time, I think the paper here gets a little mad that they have to keep updating it and they are actually the ones who called me and suggested Legacy.com for a memorial page, which is how I found this forum. As sad as it is I think it helps knowing there are others who feel what I feel and don’t judge me for what I feel and don’t think I’m crazy and as someone told me the other day “dwelling on it”.
Like Lisa said I don’t think of myself as single, when I signed my escrow papers they titled my house as a single unmarried woman and I had a meltdown in their office. I told them I was not single and they thought I was nuts. I lost the battle of having it tilted as a widow and it is single, but I too still wear my wedding rings and think of myself as married and he will be back any minute. Even though I bought the new house I have not moved yet, Lisa how did you get through leaving his home and starting you own without losing your mind. I have to do it next week and I’m scared out of my wits. I know it’s the best thing but I get sick to my stomach every time I think about leaving “our home”.
Annalise, just like Mark our home was Earl’s baby as well, he was…we were so proud of all the work we did to it and there are still a half a dozen projects that he started that are not done. I tried to finish them but I couldn’t get through them all without felling sick and having a breakdown. The yard work was his favorite thing to work on and I have let it go so badly it breaks my heart but the last time I trimmed the flowers around the pool I just laid in the dirt and sobbed remembering when we planted them together and how he would have loved to see how beautiful they are now. It hurts to leave them but I think that it would hurt more to stay. I wish you peace of mind when you make your decision and I will let you know how my move goes.

I am going to hope that time will help because there aren’t too many people who are here spilling there guts after several years of being without their other half. I don’t really think so, I bet they just got busy with other things and the pain is still there. I live in Las Vegas and am wondering if there is a place where people like us can actually meet face to face?
I am so lonely but no one I know can put up with my mood swings and constant crying about him without feeling like they have to comfort me with the same sad lines that make me want to scream, or they avoid me completely if they see me coming…
So I want to say thank you to everyone who put’s up with reading my rants, thank you again and I hope we all find some solace someday…


Pauline said:

Hi Catherine I just had a look at the obituary it is a beautiful page I wish I had something like that here....

Permalink Reply by George Allen on April 10, 2009 at 3:18am

I don't know how many times I've had people say "you're single now" and I always tell them "I'm not single - I'm a widower". There is such a huge difference to me. Single sounds like you're available. It's been over three years since my world ended with the death of my wife and the pain is still right there strong as ever. I don't think a person ever gets over it, he just gets used to it and goes on with life as best as he can.
I thought about moving but I decided to stay here with the memories that I hold so dear. I have no idea which would be easier but I seem to be resistant to change. When my wife died I wanted someone to talk about her and cry with me but everyone has to pretend like everything is OK. I can't say it's "easier" but I have been able to accept and make peace with a lot of things. Like I said I think you just get used to it. It's 4 AM here - I still don't sleep well.
George

Permalink Reply by Jane on April 10, 2009 at 6:35am

George Allen said:

I don't know how many times I've had people say "you're single now" and I always tell them "I'm not single - I'm a widower". There is such a huge difference to me. Single sounds like you're available. It's been over three years since my world ended with the death of my wife and the pain is still right there strong as ever. I don't think a person ever gets over it, he just gets used to it and goes on with life as best as he can.
I thought about moving but I decided to stay here with the memories that I hold so dear. I have no idea which would be easier but I seem to be resistant to change. When my wife died I wanted someone to talk about her and cry with me but everyone has to pretend like everything is OK. I can't say it's "easier" but I have been able to accept and make peace with a lot of things. Like I said I think you just get used to it. It's 4 AM here - I still don't sleep well. George

My husband died in January of 2008. I'm really sorry to hear that after 3 years, you feel that the pain is just the same. I guess that doesn't surprise me, but I was hoping I'd find that the pain would go away. I met my husband when I was 14 and we were married for 27 years. It's very hard to be me because I don't think I ever had a chance to learn what being on my own was all about. I guess making peace with it, is all we can do, but I'm a long way from there yet. I keep busy and am no where near suicidal, but you know life just isn't that important to me now. I know I need to be here for my kids, but I'm just not thrilled with the prospect of potentially living another 30 years without my husband. I think I've read any book I can on afterlife, religion, been to mediums, etc.. Now I'm reading a book called Parallel Worlds, just looking for answers, you know? It's not that I don't believe in God, I just wish He would let us in on the way things have to be.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 10, 2009 at 12:49pm

Catherine,
It was not easy leaving where we lived together. We did not own our own home like the rest of you we were living with my mom and dad to help take care of them and in turn my husband got sick and left me. I had to find someone else in my family to go live with my mom and dad and I in turn am now living with my sister and brother in law seeings I lost my job when my Bruno got ill. So I at least get to go to the place we shared together in the end. Although it was not "Our" home it was still hard. But staying there made me sick to my stomach all I wanted to do was pull the blanket over my head and die. Out here I am not allowed to do that. My brother-in-law was my husbands best friend and made a promise to him that he would make sure that I was ok so he makes me eat and get out of bed everyday. They let me cry when I need to cry and let me talk about it no matter how many times I repeat the same thing. So in the end it was better for me or I would be found in a bathtub dead myself and I have 5 kids and 7 grandchildren that would suffer even more then they have if I were to do that to. You are in my prayers it is not easy leaving the place where your memories are. But your husbands sprit will follow you where you go. At least thats what I have to belive cause its to hard for me to belive any other way. May God bless you on your jounery.

catherine Minshew said:

Thank you Pauline, I write in his obituary all the time, I think the paper here gets a little mad that they have to keep updating it and they are actually the ones who called me and suggested Legacy.com for a memorial page, which is how I found this forum. As sad as it is I think it helps knowing there are others who feel what I feel and don’t judge me for what I feel and don’t think I’m crazy and as someone told me the other day “dwelling on it”.
Like Lisa said I don’t think of myself as single, when I signed my escrow papers they titled my house as a single unmarried woman and I had a meltdown in their office. I told them I was not single and they thought I was nuts. I lost the battle of having it tilted as a widow and it is single, but I too still wear my wedding rings and think of myself as married and he will be back any minute. Even though I bought the new house I have not moved yet, Lisa how did you get through leaving his home and starting you own without losing your mind. I have to do it next week and I’m scared out of my wits. I know it’s the best thing but I get sick to my stomach every time I think about leaving “our home”.
Annalise, just like Mark our home was Earl’s baby as well, he was…we were so proud of all the work we did to it and there are still a half a dozen projects that he started that are not done. I tried to finish them but I couldn’t get through them all without felling sick and having a breakdown. The yard work was his favorite thing to work on and I have let it go so badly it breaks my heart but the last time I trimmed the flowers around the pool I just laid in the dirt and sobbed remembering when we planted them together and how he would have loved to see how beautiful they are now. It hurts to leave them but I think that it would hurt more to stay. I wish you peace of mind when you make your decision and I will let you know how my move goes.

I am going to hope that time will help because there aren’t too many people who are here spilling there guts after several years of being without their other half. I don’t really think so, I bet they just got busy with other things and the pain is still there. I live in Las Vegas and am wondering if there is a place where people like us can actually meet face to face?
I am so lonely but no one I know can put up with my mood swings and constant crying about him without feeling like they have to comfort me with the same sad lines that make me want to scream, or they avoid me completely if they see me coming…
So I want to say thank you to everyone who put’s up with reading my rants, thank you again and I hope we all find some solace someday…


Pauline said:

Hi Catherine I just had a look at the obituary it is a beautiful page I wish I had something like that here....

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 10, 2009 at 10:58pm

I guess everyone asks how you are because they dont know what else to say..I always tell them "as good as can be.." what else do they want to hear? that your heart is crumbling into a trillion pieces and no amount of glue or sticky tape will be able to hold it together...

I took our little boy to his rubgy game today and he got his first try ....we were so proud of him ... but deep down my heart was breaking cause that first try was for his dad who would have been so proud of him he would of jumped out of his wheelchair just to give him a big hug..but we talked about it on the way home and he was so positive that his dad saw him playing from above..another proud moment from my boy...but secretly I know he would have loved for dad to have been there physically

Its the small milestones like that I know will be hard to make up to my boy for having no dad around I am trying my best and he appreciates Im there but I know every boy wants their dad at these times...

I also had big ideas of just moving and living with my eldest son and his family but after a holiday with them I realised they had their own lives and we had ours and for me to carry on I had to at least stay where we are now for the rest of the year..I need to sort out what I have to do and our little man is the main priority..I dont know what would of happened if he didnt give me that reason to carry on..evn though we adopted him at four months its so corny how many of Grahams personalities and characteristics he has ..probably a little scarey too but I love it .. my honey lives on in our boy.

I still wear our wedding rings they wil never come off and strange thing when Graham died our boy said "oh good mummy youve got dads wedding ring so you are not gonna get married again" - our rings are promised to our baby should anything happen to me and his older siblings know

I got rid of all the hospital equipment, excess medications etc we had at home the same week of Grahams funeral I just didnt want to be reminded of the pain he had gone through..it felt bad but it had to be done the constant reminders were doing my head in..everything else I still have.

I think the other hard thing when Graham died was I didnt even know what to do..lucky for the wonderful hospital staff they told me what to do and everything fell into place from there..I too am slowly paying off the funeral expenses - it was a simple ceremony and my girls did the catering from home - just how Graham was and how he would have wanted it.

I am unable to work because of my boy I am trying to find parttime work but its not that easy to fit in with school hours..so reluctantly I gave up my job to be home for our son..I am now on a "widows" benefit and only just getting by but that is the least of my worries.. a young boy with no dad and myself with no partner, bestfriend, lover or soulmate ...absolutely nothing can be done .. nothing why? why? why? so unfair...:( :(

uel lapira said:

YES LISA...I KNOW WHAT U MEAN.
AM SICK AND TIRED OF WELLWISHERS TELLING ME 'IT GETS BETTER'.
HOW?..WHEN ?? HOW CAN IT GET BETTER WHEN I AM MISSING A PRECIOUS PART OF MYSELF..MARK WAS MY WHOLE REASON FOR BEING AND I KNOW I CAN NEVER GET BETTER. I MISS HIM FAR TO MUCH AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY HEART BREAK EVERY TIME I THINK OF MY BELOVED. GOD HELP US..

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 12, 2009 at 10:18pm

Thank God this day is almost over. This is my first holiday alone. Luckily I had to work, but I have been so grumpy and miserable.. Seeing all these happy families celebrating... I hate this.

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