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Thank you, Christine. I am sorry for loss of Annette. It sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship. Robert and I had a great relationship but we had to endure a very discreet life in order for me to take care of Him, after His stroke, and for us to just live Our lives. There was always the fear that someone, who did not like us just because of who we were, would commit some sort of hate crime against one or both of us. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to Him or me, or my job. Who would have taken care of Robert if something happened to me? There was always that fear since we were living in the bible-belt.
Anyway, I miss Robert so much. The pain I feel does not subside or lessen. I can’t even believe all of the time that has passed. My mind still sees Him as if it were yesterday.


Christine said:
Barry, today is 2 months since I lost my partner and honestly I'm surprised I still have a job! I lost it at work which I try so hard not to do. I'm a bartender in a restaurant and this couple came in which reminded me of me and annette and they were holding hands and one of the women wore her hair like annette did pulled back in a ponytail... and I couldnt stop crying. I am so sorry that you lost robert. I imagine I wont be any better when the two year date comes for me either. This pain is absolutely unbearable.

BarryWHK said:

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler
I juat cant see that "better"everyone is talking about and i dont feel like i wanna fell and be "better"I want him back .Protecting me and warming my heart everyday with his phone calls and fun little pranks .I am such an anry person latley i dont like it but i cant help it .I think i just want evryone who doesnt understnad to fee the same painand heartache iam all the time

sue said:
Kim, everyone on here is in so much pain. I lost Tom to a sudden death of a brain anerism 5/22/08. It is coming up on a year and I can't believe it. It still hurts but it is not so painful physically. I remember with a broken heart how much pain I was in at the point you are in. I am not going to give you any "words of wisdom" just to say, Hold on, take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. This is the worst experience of your life, I am sure of it. I know it is not something anyone can tell you how to handle. It is gut wrenching pain and there is no escape but to push through it and for me I try to remember what we were together and how happy we were and everyone doesn't get that in a lifetime. I did and you did. We healed together from lifes past pains. I am forever changed because of our love and that can never be lost.
I too feel married and it upsets me some when people assume you are single now. Love doesn't die. I was filling out some forms at the docs office the other day and it didn't even give an option of widow. I almost put married but instead I put over on the side widowed. It made me angry that someone didn't realize this is a catagory on its own. Everyone forgets quickly except for those that have had this experience. I don't think there is any "getting over it" you just finally decide to live with it and that helped me. Remember the song "The Rose". I loved that song. Someday we will be with them again but for now I believe they are still with us in spirit, for the spirit never dies. We are all one in spirit. For the greatest of these is "love". Suep
Barry, the memorial site you made for robert is absolutely beautiful. You have honored him and shown the love you still have for him. He sounds like an amazing man. I made a memorial site for annette but i'm still working on it. Her name is annette mendoza if you want to see it. Her family was always very supportive of us and anyone who knew us knew we were together. But, annette was a victim of a hate crime and was more discreet in public settings and with people she was unsure of. It is sad. I could write pages on this but... I don't have to tell you. She had cirrohsis and spent countless stays in the hospital. We live about 3 hours south of Albuquerque which is where she spent the last three weeks of her life. I would drive up every tuesday and thursday on my days off to be with her, but I needed to work to keep our apartment and pay the bills so I was unable to be with her all the time. The three days prior to her passing, she was unresponsive and in a coma. The doctors, nurses, as well as her family looked to me for all the decisions which I was grateful for... shocked..but grateful. I figured the hospital staff would not acknowledge me because technically.. I wasnt "family". But, they did. They treated me as her wife and I couldnt believe it. I was there when my baby passed away. Words cant describe. She was the one person that I was ever truly in love with, and will always be in love with. Every day that passes is one day closer to being with her. I know they say life is precious.. and I believe it is.. but mine went with her.

BarryWHK said:
Thank you, Christine. I am sorry for loss of Annette. It sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship. Robert and I had a great relationship but we had to endure a very discreet life in order for me to take care of Him, after His stroke, and for us to just live Our lives. There was always the fear that someone, who did not like us just because of who we were, would commit some sort of hate crime against one or both of us. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to Him or me, or my job. Who would have taken care of Robert if something happened to me? There was always that fear since we were living in the bible-belt.
Anyway, I miss Robert so much. The pain I feel does not subside or lessen. I can’t even believe all of the time that has passed. My mind still sees Him as if it were yesterday.


Christine said:
Barry, today is 2 months since I lost my partner and honestly I'm surprised I still have a job! I lost it at work which I try so hard not to do. I'm a bartender in a restaurant and this couple came in which reminded me of me and annette and they were holding hands and one of the women wore her hair like annette did pulled back in a ponytail... and I couldnt stop crying. I am so sorry that you lost robert. I imagine I wont be any better when the two year date comes for me either. This pain is absolutely unbearable.

BarryWHK said:

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler
Kim, I so understand. I am beyond mad. Everything and everybody is irritating sometimes. Everyone keeps STILL telling me.. It will get better. Maybe in time it will.. but right now.. Its getting worse.

kimmer said:
I juat cant see that "better"everyone is talking about and i dont feel like i wanna fell and be "better"I want him back .Protecting me and warming my heart everyday with his phone calls and fun little pranks .I am such an anry person latley i dont like it but i cant help it .I think i just want evryone who doesnt understnad to fee the same painand heartache iam all the time

sue said:
Kim, everyone on here is in so much pain. I lost Tom to a sudden death of a brain anerism 5/22/08. It is coming up on a year and I can't believe it. It still hurts but it is not so painful physically. I remember with a broken heart how much pain I was in at the point you are in. I am not going to give you any "words of wisdom" just to say, Hold on, take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. This is the worst experience of your life, I am sure of it. I know it is not something anyone can tell you how to handle. It is gut wrenching pain and there is no escape but to push through it and for me I try to remember what we were together and how happy we were and everyone doesn't get that in a lifetime. I did and you did. We healed together from lifes past pains. I am forever changed because of our love and that can never be lost.
I too feel married and it upsets me some when people assume you are single now. Love doesn't die. I was filling out some forms at the docs office the other day and it didn't even give an option of widow. I almost put married but instead I put over on the side widowed. It made me angry that someone didn't realize this is a catagory on its own. Everyone forgets quickly except for those that have had this experience. I don't think there is any "getting over it" you just finally decide to live with it and that helped me. Remember the song "The Rose". I loved that song. Someday we will be with them again but for now I believe they are still with us in spirit, for the spirit never dies. We are all one in spirit. For the greatest of these is "love". Suep
This is all so strange that we all feel alike. When I feel like I am lost and alone I come here and relize that I am not. I to though would like to know when does "better" start. I hate that word now. I to still am very very angry. This has left such an emptiness in my soul that not even my family understands. My oldest sister does not even talk to me that much anymore. She thinks I am just on one big pitty party that I should not still be feeling this way after 5 months. She still has her husband!!!! How do you get people to understand that you will never ever be the same person that you were before this greatest of loss. I want to know when does some sort of normal start??? Is there such thing anymore??? Why did this happen to me??? Am I a bad person?? Is this Gods way of punishing me for things I have done in the past?? Who has my answers??? Please I need help understanding. I to have been put on antidepressantes and they don't help much. I guess there is no magic pill that will take this all away or bring my baby back to me.

Christine said:
Kim, I so understand. I am beyond mad. Everything and everybody is irritating sometimes. Everyone keeps STILL telling me.. It will get better. Maybe in time it will.. but right now.. Its getting worse.

kimmer said:
I juat cant see that "better"everyone is talking about and i dont feel like i wanna fell and be "better"I want him back .Protecting me and warming my heart everyday with his phone calls and fun little pranks .I am such an anry person latley i dont like it but i cant help it .I think i just want evryone who doesnt understnad to fee the same painand heartache iam all the time

sue said:
Kim, everyone on here is in so much pain. I lost Tom to a sudden death of a brain anerism 5/22/08. It is coming up on a year and I can't believe it. It still hurts but it is not so painful physically. I remember with a broken heart how much pain I was in at the point you are in. I am not going to give you any "words of wisdom" just to say, Hold on, take care of yourself and be very kind to yourself. This is the worst experience of your life, I am sure of it. I know it is not something anyone can tell you how to handle. It is gut wrenching pain and there is no escape but to push through it and for me I try to remember what we were together and how happy we were and everyone doesn't get that in a lifetime. I did and you did. We healed together from lifes past pains. I am forever changed because of our love and that can never be lost.
I too feel married and it upsets me some when people assume you are single now. Love doesn't die. I was filling out some forms at the docs office the other day and it didn't even give an option of widow. I almost put married but instead I put over on the side widowed. It made me angry that someone didn't realize this is a catagory on its own. Everyone forgets quickly except for those that have had this experience. I don't think there is any "getting over it" you just finally decide to live with it and that helped me. Remember the song "The Rose". I loved that song. Someday we will be with them again but for now I believe they are still with us in spirit, for the spirit never dies. We are all one in spirit. For the greatest of these is "love". Suep
yes lisa..i know exactly what u mean.
i lost my husband two short months ago...today at lunchtime i met a friend who said...come on..courage...u have to move on now......
i could have lynched him and it was on the tip of my tongue to say.....YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS....he still has his wife and kids ....
the pain is crushing me and i just wish people wud shut up....if one has not been thru it forget it...no use trying to give us words of courage...i know i dont want to hear them.
I don’t think “better” will ever be a word that will come to mind when I think about the future that I have since Earl left. This has been one of the worst weeks I have had since I buried him 9 months ago yesterday. You are all so right no one understands. Yesterday at work all I could think about was the day I laid him to rest and how awful it felt so I tried hard to keep my distance from everyone and had a major meltdown driving home. It’s a wonder I didn’t wreck my car. My daughter called me during my meltdown drive and I know she meant well but she kept telling me she couldn’t imagine how I feel but it would get better over time. It doesn’t get better I just have learned to hide it longer that’s all.

I had a blanket made from a picture of Earl during a BBQ we did for the Ronald McDonald house charity several years ago (it’s on his obit lvrj.com obit, archives, name search Minshew, July 20 2008) He’s laying a porch swing giving me a peace sign, it’s not a very good picture of him but it makes me feel like it’s his good-bye, for now, reminder to me. My kids think it’s creepy and they are more than likely right but it’s as close to having him with me as I can get right now. I find a small amount of comfort with it when I need to see his face and wish I could hold him. Overall though I think that’s really what I am learning: to find small bits of comfort here and there, how ever I can. It’s not ever easy and I know it will never get “better” the pain is so unbearable most days but 6 months ago I didn’t find ANY comfort ANYWHERE…but now and then there is a glimpse of comfort mixed with the pain. I have also learned that I am not only grieving for the loss of my husband; I am grieving for the loss of our future, and all the things we were going to do and see together and then sit back and grow old. We had so many plans that are all gone and all though I have tried to do some of the things without him it’s impossible to enjoy them when all I do is cry and think about he’s not with me. Yes I am grieving for that loss too.

On the blanket beside his picture it says;
I love you to the moon and back and around the world, to the stars and back times infinity… my husband, my friend, I miss you.

I want the pain to end and I know it will, when my work here is done and we will be together again, I hope and pray we can all find some peace until we are with the ones we love again.
It's been over three years for me since my wife died and in my experience the pain, anger, and emptiness doesn't get better - I've just gotten to where I don't dwell on it all the time. As time goes by you find yourself actually thinking about other things and doing normal things. I think this is what people who haven't walked the road we are on see as you're "better or back to normal". It only took me a month or so to stop talking about Judy to anyone who hasn't experienced what I was going through. Noboby understands and very,very few people really care.
Catherine,
I think the blanket is a wonderful idea not creapy at all. I have been trying to find someone who would make me a quilt with my husbands cloths as I still have all of them 5 months after he has been gone. I think that if I could wrap myself up in his cloths at night it would be as if he were here holding me at night. I am also going to get a his pitcure put on one of his tee shirts so I can wear that. I often ask myself if all this is wrong am I holding on to tight. I don't think so and I guess thats all that matters. I am going to see about doing the blanket as you did seeings everyone I have talked to about doing a quilt has wanted between $300.00 and $500.00 to make it. But I think you are right on with that idea. I love it and it gives me something to hold on to and know I am not crazy. So thank you.
catherine Minshew said:
I don’t think “better” will ever be a word that will come to mind when I think about the future that I have since Earl left. This has been one of the worst weeks I have had since I buried him 9 months ago yesterday. You are all so right no one understands. Yesterday at work all I could think about was the day I laid him to rest and how awful it felt so I tried hard to keep my distance from everyone and had a major meltdown driving home. It’s a wonder I didn’t wreck my car. My daughter called me during my meltdown drive and I know she meant well but she kept telling me she couldn’t imagine how I feel but it would get better over time. It doesn’t get better I just have learned to hide it longer that’s all.

I had a blanket made from a picture of Earl during a BBQ we did for the Ronald McDonald house charity several years ago (it’s on his obit lvrj.com obit, archives, name search Minshew, July 20 2008) He’s laying a porch swing giving me a peace sign, it’s not a very good picture of him but it makes me feel like it’s his good-bye, for now, reminder to me. My kids think it’s creepy and they are more than likely right but it’s as close to having him with me as I can get right now. I find a small amount of comfort with it when I need to see his face and wish I could hold him. Overall though I think that’s really what I am learning: to find small bits of comfort here and there, how ever I can. It’s not ever easy and I know it will never get “better” the pain is so unbearable most days but 6 months ago I didn’t find ANY comfort ANYWHERE…but now and then there is a glimpse of comfort mixed with the pain. I have also learned that I am not only grieving for the loss of my husband; I am grieving for the loss of our future, and all the things we were going to do and see together and then sit back and grow old. We had so many plans that are all gone and all though I have tried to do some of the things without him it’s impossible to enjoy them when all I do is cry and think about he’s not with me. Yes I am grieving for that loss too.

On the blanket beside his picture it says;
I love you to the moon and back and around the world, to the stars and back times infinity… my husband, my friend, I miss you.

I want the pain to end and I know it will, when my work here is done and we will be together again, I hope and pray we can all find some peace until we are with the ones we love again.
I ordered it from this web site it was a link...I too wanted to get my husbands clothes made into a quilt but could not find anyone to do it. I will take a picture and post it so you can see the work that was done. The blanket is beautiful and thank you for not thinking I'm nutts.

Lisa said:
Catherine,
I think the blanket is a wonderful idea not creapy at all. I have been trying to find someone who would make me a quilt with my husbands cloths as I still have all of them 5 months after he has been gone. I think that if I could wrap myself up in his cloths at night it would be as if he were here holding me at night. I am also going to get a his pitcure put on one of his tee shirts so I can wear that. I often ask myself if all this is wrong am I holding on to tight. I don't think so and I guess thats all that matters. I am going to see about doing the blanket as you did seeings everyone I have talked to about doing a quilt has wanted between $300.00 and $500.00 to make it. But I think you are right on with that idea. I love it and it gives me something to hold on to and know I am not crazy. So thank you.
catherine Minshew said:
I don’t think “better” will ever be a word that will come to mind when I think about the future that I have since Earl left. This has been one of the worst weeks I have had since I buried him 9 months ago yesterday. You are all so right no one understands. Yesterday at work all I could think about was the day I laid him to rest and how awful it felt so I tried hard to keep my distance from everyone and had a major meltdown driving home. It’s a wonder I didn’t wreck my car. My daughter called me during my meltdown drive and I know she meant well but she kept telling me she couldn’t imagine how I feel but it would get better over time. It doesn’t get better I just have learned to hide it longer that’s all.

I had a blanket made from a picture of Earl during a BBQ we did for the Ronald McDonald house charity several years ago (it’s on his obit lvrj.com obit, archives, name search Minshew, July 20 2008) He’s laying a porch swing giving me a peace sign, it’s not a very good picture of him but it makes me feel like it’s his good-bye, for now, reminder to me. My kids think it’s creepy and they are more than likely right but it’s as close to having him with me as I can get right now. I find a small amount of comfort with it when I need to see his face and wish I could hold him. Overall though I think that’s really what I am learning: to find small bits of comfort here and there, how ever I can. It’s not ever easy and I know it will never get “better” the pain is so unbearable most days but 6 months ago I didn’t find ANY comfort ANYWHERE…but now and then there is a glimpse of comfort mixed with the pain. I have also learned that I am not only grieving for the loss of my husband; I am grieving for the loss of our future, and all the things we were going to do and see together and then sit back and grow old. We had so many plans that are all gone and all though I have tried to do some of the things without him it’s impossible to enjoy them when all I do is cry and think about he’s not with me. Yes I am grieving for that loss too.

On the blanket beside his picture it says;
I love you to the moon and back and around the world, to the stars and back times infinity… my husband, my friend, I miss you.

I want the pain to end and I know it will, when my work here is done and we will be together again, I hope and pray we can all find some peace until we are with the ones we love again.
Lisa and Catherine.. Neither one of you are anywhere near crazy.. guess where I just got back from... I had a tatoo made.. my first.. with her ashes in the black ink. It has two stargazer lilys which where her favorite and our rings locking together surrounding the flowers and then it has her name. So her name is literally..her. On me forever. So...yeah.. I think i am crazy too! But it is very special to me

catherine Minshew said:
I ordered it from this web site it was a link...I too wanted to get my husbands clothes made into a quilt but could not find anyone to do it. I will take a picture and post it so you can see the work that was done. The blanket is beautiful and thank you for not thinking I'm nutts.

Lisa said:
Catherine,
I think the blanket is a wonderful idea not creapy at all. I have been trying to find someone who would make me a quilt with my husbands cloths as I still have all of them 5 months after he has been gone. I think that if I could wrap myself up in his cloths at night it would be as if he were here holding me at night. I am also going to get a his pitcure put on one of his tee shirts so I can wear that. I often ask myself if all this is wrong am I holding on to tight. I don't think so and I guess thats all that matters. I am going to see about doing the blanket as you did seeings everyone I have talked to about doing a quilt has wanted between $300.00 and $500.00 to make it. But I think you are right on with that idea. I love it and it gives me something to hold on to and know I am not crazy. So thank you.
catherine Minshew said:
I don’t think “better” will ever be a word that will come to mind when I think about the future that I have since Earl left. This has been one of the worst weeks I have had since I buried him 9 months ago yesterday. You are all so right no one understands. Yesterday at work all I could think about was the day I laid him to rest and how awful it felt so I tried hard to keep my distance from everyone and had a major meltdown driving home. It’s a wonder I didn’t wreck my car. My daughter called me during my meltdown drive and I know she meant well but she kept telling me she couldn’t imagine how I feel but it would get better over time. It doesn’t get better I just have learned to hide it longer that’s all.

I had a blanket made from a picture of Earl during a BBQ we did for the Ronald McDonald house charity several years ago (it’s on his obit lvrj.com obit, archives, name search Minshew, July 20 2008) He’s laying a porch swing giving me a peace sign, it’s not a very good picture of him but it makes me feel like it’s his good-bye, for now, reminder to me. My kids think it’s creepy and they are more than likely right but it’s as close to having him with me as I can get right now. I find a small amount of comfort with it when I need to see his face and wish I could hold him. Overall though I think that’s really what I am learning: to find small bits of comfort here and there, how ever I can. It’s not ever easy and I know it will never get “better” the pain is so unbearable most days but 6 months ago I didn’t find ANY comfort ANYWHERE…but now and then there is a glimpse of comfort mixed with the pain. I have also learned that I am not only grieving for the loss of my husband; I am grieving for the loss of our future, and all the things we were going to do and see together and then sit back and grow old. We had so many plans that are all gone and all though I have
Annalise, I could not have expressed this any better. Although it will be the two-year anniversary on May 8th, I still feel exactly the way you do. I can't speak for anyone but unless someone goes through the same thing, they will not understand. Robert is the Love Of My Life and no one could ever make me feel that way. My siblings have stopped speaking to me because they believe I should be over Robert or should move on or however they deal with things should be appropriate for me. They still have family and spouses. Only a couple of true friends continue to talk to me. Thanks for the kind words and signing the guest book too. Did you create a memorial website for your husband? Barry

annalise samuel lapira said:
yes lisa..i know exactly what u mean.
i lost my husband two short months ago...today at lunchtime i met a friend who said...come on..courage...u have to move on now......
i could have lynched him and it was on the tip of my tongue to say.....YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS....he still has his wife and kids ....
the pain is crushing me and i just wish people wud shut up....if one has not been thru it forget it...no use trying to give us words of courage...i know i dont want to hear them.

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