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went to grocery store today and as usual seeing couples always depresses me but.. Dear God.. it must have been "gay day" in Las Cruces, New Mexico!! I thought I was gonna die... or scream.. I wanted to tell them..." I DONT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU TWO!! GET BACK IN " THE CLOSET"!! HA HA
yeah.. I'm losing it..

My emotions have been very chaotic over the past several days, going from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think it is the two-year anniversary approaching on May 8th on top of all the other things that have been weighing on my mind with the behavior of my family and Robert’s family, things I’ve been working on and people who are not as kind as they appear to be. From the comments I’ve read, it appears that we all have our trials to handle, in addition to going through such painful times of loss and grief. I miss My Blue Eyes more than life. I feel completely lost without Him. Thank you all for your kind words. Barry
barry, thank you for what you said in annettes memorial. Last night I was depressed as usual and couldnt be on annette's memorial any longer.. so I went to look at Robert's again.. I looked at every picture you have there. Cried at your journal entries cause in so many ways, although we dont know each other and our lives were not the same.. we have so many similarities. I cried when you mentioned having guilt and regret that you will live with till the day you die.. I have so much of that too.. There are lots of things that of course I dont say on this site about things that have happened but I so understand that even though our guilt and regret may be different.. we both carry it.. and it's something that I struggle with every day in addition to her being gone. All of you are always in my thoughts and prayers every day, but I will be thinking of you Barry on May 8th. My birthday is on the 6th and I want the day to come and go quick. I am so sorry about the problems your having on both sides of your family. I took a friend of mine and Annettes that she worked with, and I still work with.. Annette and I worked at the same place for many years.. that one is still hard cause I see her there so clearly. anyway.. I took him to the cemetary cause he didnt know where she was.. and I was bending down to clear some flowers that had died and he asked me if any of my family from Florida came for the services.. I said no, besides only my sister and my mother know about me and Annette... My mother never told the rest of my family that I am gay... so they dont know.
christinemdickson@hotmail.com

BarryWHK said:

My emotions have been very chaotic over the past several days, going from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think it is the two-year anniversary approaching on May 8th on top of all the other things that have been weighing on my mind with the behavior of my family and Robert’s family, things I’ve been working on and people who are not as kind as they appear to be. From the comments I’ve read, it appears that we all have our trials to handle, in addition to going through such painful times of loss and grief. I miss My Blue Eyes more than life. I feel completely lost without Him. Thank you all for your kind words. Barry
Barry,
I can't image what you must be feeling at this time. I know that I count each and every month that Bruno has been gone and on the 20th of each month I get to live that same nightmare over and over and over I see it so clearly like it is happening all over again. Does counting the months ever stop?
It is so clear how much you love Robert just by reading everything you have posted here.
It is weird that even though I am not gay that the stories that you tell seem to fimilar with my own. I have so many regrets that I am not sure where to start or how to let them go.
As Christine said everyone here is always in my thoughts and prayers but Barry I will be praying extra hard for you on the 8th I hope that that day can come and go quickly for you and maybe just maybe you will find some comfront in the good times that you and Robert shared. I have not been able to do that myself and now that I have said it I feel stupid sorry that was not the right thing to say. I am not sure that I know the right thing to say to you at this point. Just know that there are people out here who do care about you and that your story means so much to us.

BarryWHK said:

My emotions have been very chaotic over the past several days, going from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think it is the two-year anniversary approaching on May 8th on top of all the other things that have been weighing on my mind with the behavior of my family and Robert’s family, things I’ve been working on and people who are not as kind as they appear to be. From the comments I’ve read, it appears that we all have our trials to handle, in addition to going through such painful times of loss and grief. I miss My Blue Eyes more than life. I feel completely lost without Him. Thank you all for your kind words. Barry
Sue I can’t agree more about the will. Earl and I wrote our own and had it notarized but after he died I was told it wasn’t a legal document. Thank God we live in a community property state and both our names were on the house and cars. There is still a bunch of legal things going on because “our wills” were not legal, makes no sense to me but I know I am getting an attorney to draw a new one, I can’t take any chances. What do people do that can’t afford an attorney if a notarized typed one is not valid? I guess the law thinks if you can’t afford an attorney you must not have anything of value to leave anyone. It’s a crock period!
sue said:
Lisa, your husband was very blessed and I am sure he knew it, to be loved by your family. I know my husband was and he often said just that.
My step son was a nightmare and cost me so much money to get him out of my life and while I was treating him like a son, until I realized what he was doing and that was a couple months down the road. He had not been a good son to his father and had just come back into his fathers life two months prior to his death. He really hurt me but it helped me to forget about him and not feel any moral obligation to him what so ever. He is not worth my concern any longer and we don't have to put up with his attitude hurting "our Tom" any longer.
My husband had given him some temporary work since the man can't seem to keep a job and he was actually the one that found him after he passed. This man called me screaming "my dad is dead", over and over again. Always about himself. He was screaming in a high pitched voice and I couldn't even understand what he was saying or I didn't want to believe it. He then hung up on me. I called the number back and when I was getting no where I asked if there was someone else there to talk to me and thank God there was. Anyway, that was how I found out. I will always wonder about that situation. The coroner said he died like the "snap of a finger" but my husband had 65 cents on him and I struggle to think that was all he had. He always carried a lot of cash on him or hidden in his van since he dealt in a lot of cash in his business. This guy took off in the van and stole all the tools and I couldn't prove he had them. I did get the van back but it was empty. Duh, I was in so much pain and this was my husbands son, so I forgave him and let him back into my life against everyones advise. He then came to our home each time I left and stole things. He had a key I found out later. I know Tom didn't give it to him because he wasn't even allowed in his garage without him since he had stolen from Tom from a very early age. He went out to the property we own and took the tractor and back hoe and I had to pay someone to mow it. He got a lawyer finally when I stopped his stealing but I got none of the things back he had taken and had to give him a lot more and pay legal fees. I was in no way geared toward dealing with that kind of person and especially at this time in my life. It is so hard to believe that some people can go from grief to greed in a moment. He got nothing I wouldn't have given him gladly because we thought he was trying to get his life straight.
As a final note, if any of you don't have a will, please get one. If you die without a will the state decides for you and it will cause problems. Approx 75% of people in my step do just that. If you have step children all the more important. We had two appointments and my guy was just so busy and didn't feel it was that important as of course he wasn't going to die until he was old. I should have pushed but I too was naive. In my state, anything you can't prove is YOURS, they can get have of it. It isn't what they can get but how much they can cost you to get it over with. I settled but had I taken him to court it would have cost more. He set himself up as the administrator over Tom's estae and had his dad's mail coming to a post office box. In order to get him out of that position I had to go to court and drag it on for years so I settled. He would have gotten a lot more from me, but now he can't come back and he and I are done.
I am sorry to ramble on but I so want to impress upone everyone I meet to get a will because it is amazing how many people don't. Just do it. Suep

Christie and Lisa, Thank you so much for the kind words and thoughts. They have come to mean much more than you can imagine. Yeah, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that are so difficult to believe – even for myself. Every day I cry for Robert and I have never been a person to cry, much less, admit to crying. Over the past decade, however, the stress, depression, frustration, exhaustion, anger and every other emotion took a toll on me that I didn’t realize was occurring. When I lost my Mom and then Robert, less than 5 months later, I lost it and haven’t been the same since. They were all I had. I just don’t care what people think any longer. For years, I lived in fear that someone would hurt Robert or me if they found out about us. If someone hurt Robert, what would I do? If someone hurt me, then who would take care of My Beautiful Angel? So, I lived a double life – straight everywhere (neutral – didn’t speak about personal life) and home (Robert and me). No one knew about me at work, neighbors and even family members because I’ve seen the outcome. I couldn’t share Our life out of fear. Most people, who don’t experience this, will never understand but it is my biggest regret in this miserable life. As easily as straight people share their lives, everywhere, with everyone, it is that much more difficult for us to share ours. This is reality, for us.

Months, yes I’ve been counting them and it will be 24 months on May 8th. I can’t believe so much time has passed and I’m still here. I cannot speak for anyone; if or whether the counting will ever stop because we all handle our pain differently. I will probably count the months until my time on this rock is done. Robert and My Mom were the only people I loved more than life itself and could rely upon. Now I have no one. There really is no ‘right’ thing to say but I am glad that strangers can provide an understanding that even blood cannot. Blood isn’t always thicker than water – I’ve heard. We are all made of the same stuff. Again, I can only say, Thank You. Barry

Cathy,
Your losses are great as well and I am very sorry for them. Thank you for the kind words you wrote in the Guest Book. Barry
christine
i can so relate to you....i have been having too many bad days lately.
when does it get better ???? my dad is getting worse too.
someone told me God does not give u more than you can handle....come again ??!!

i could not handle mark's death...that to me was the ultimate...and it has only been 10 weeks...dont need more grief...P L E A S E.

Yes the bit were people cannot seem to understand that you are NOT ok really gets to me.....as u say.....if only they knew what it means they would be singing a different tune..NOT that i want anyone to go thru this hell...ever...but please please....they have no no no idea what a horrific experience it is.
my whole life has changed radically
i cannot live in our flat any more...too painful !!
i cannot go out any more....we used to go out so often together....cant face it without mark...
it sucks...and it sucks BIG TIME...i never thought my life could become so terribly morose and miserable.

i wish i cud be more positive to u all but forgive me.......I AM HATING EVERY MINUTE OF THIS MY SORRY LIFE :(

Annalise, you’ve just expressed so much of how I feel and have been feeling for 2 years now. I try to be positive all the time, when I post things, but it is so hard to keep up another charade. If I could express all that I feel – they would put me in a straight-jacket. Next Friday will be the 2-year anniversary for my loss of Robert and I can’t even begin to know how I will be. I miss My Beautiful Angel. Like I’ve stated – my emotions are in a chaotic state right now. I still live in Our home and it’s so hard but, at the same time, I can’t throw away all that was – Us. I’ve thought about leaving because of the memories here and all of the pain I experience every day of my pathetic life. I still may do it but I need to finish some things that I’ve started. I am in the process of updating the memorial website and other things to preserve Robert’s memory. Robert’s family and my family have done nothing to help this, so I have taken it upon myself to do it. My family did nothing for my Mom or my brother so I created the other two memorial websites for them, as well. My Robert and My Mom were all I had that meant anything to me. I have no one else. Please believe me when I say that I hate this life too. When I finish the memorials – who knows? I cannot give advice to you or anyone else but don’t let their memories fade. We have the technology for you to help preserve their memories. Don’t let them be forgotten. I’m not going to let that happen to the people I love. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone.
annalise, So many people say to me too.. God doesnt give you more than you can handle.. I was like..."He's pushing it"!!! Enough already. I have dealt with so much problems and upsetment in my life but losing annette.. this one I cant handle. I dont go out either cause everywhere I look.. its somewhere we have been. I see where we sat at whatever restaurant.. I see her everywhere and its too much so I work.. and come home to our apartment and our dog. People keep asking how I am and I dont know what to say anymore.. They expect me to say I am better or ok.. but I'm so not. I act fine at work, but come home to this empty house and cry. I talk to her alot, but last night I was crying so hard she probably didnt know what I was saying! I hate this life too. I never wanted to be without her and I am still.. after almost 10 weeks.. having a hard time believing she is really not coming back. Its beyond excrutiating as everyone here knows. It's like we are all just waiting.. and waiting.. to be out of pain ( dont see that happening).. waiting for another day to go by.. waiting to die too.. I understand when you say.. when does it end? I am so sorry to hear about your father. My prayers are with you both.

annalise samuel lapira said:
christine
i can so relate to you....i have been having too many bad days lately.
when does it get better ???? my dad is getting worse too.
someone told me God does not give u more than you can handle....come again ??!!

i could not handle mark's death...that to me was the ultimate...and it has only been 10 weeks...dont need more grief...P L E A S E.

Yes the bit were people cannot seem to understand that you are NOT ok really gets to me.....as u say.....if only they knew what it means they would be singing a different tune..NOT that i want anyone to go thru this hell...ever...but please please....they have no no no idea what a horrific experience it is.
my whole life has changed radically
i cannot live in our flat any more...too painful !!
i cannot go out any more....we used to go out so often together....cant face it without mark...
it sucks...and it sucks BIG TIME...i never thought my life could become so terribly morose and miserable.

i wish i cud be more positive to u all but forgive me.......I AM HATING EVERY MINUTE OF THIS MY SORRY LIFE :(
Barry, I still live in our apartment too and thought about maybe moving too but I dont know if I can bring myself to. She always liked it here, even though now she probably couldnt care less if I stayed or not but its where we have lived for almost 5 years and its so hard.. hard to stay and hard to think about going. Plus, right now.. since my bills are still the same.. and sad to say.. minus another paycheck.. I cant afford anything anymore. I have been trying to get rid of or downgrade as much as I can but its still a struggle. I saw the memorials you have made for your mother and your brother and they were beautiful.

BarryWHK said:

Annalise, you’ve just expressed so much of how I feel and have been feeling for 2 years now. I try to be positive all the time, when I post things, but it is so hard to keep up another charade. If I could express all that I feel – they would put me in a straight-jacket. Next Friday will be the 2-year anniversary for my loss of Robert and I can’t even begin to know how I will be. I miss My Beautiful Angel. Like I’ve stated – my emotions are in a chaotic state right now. I still live in Our home and it’s so hard but, at the same time, I can’t throw away all that was – Us. I’ve thought about leaving because of the memories here and all of the pain I experience every day of my pathetic life. I still may do it but I need to finish some things that I’ve started. I am in the process of updating the memorial website and other things to preserve Robert’s memory. Robert’s family and my family have done nothing to help this, so I have taken it upon myself to do it. My family did nothing for my Mom or my brother so I created the other two memorial websites for them, as well. My Robert and My Mom were all I had that meant anything to me. I have no one else. Please believe me when I say that I hate this life too. When I finish the memorials – who knows? I cannot give advice to you or anyone else but don’t let their memories fade. We have the technology for you to help preserve their memories. Don’t let them be forgotten. I’m not going to let that happen to the people I love. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone.
I have to share this to let you know some of what I’m up against too. Robert’s sister told me, “Dear, we think you’re dwelling.”, only 8 months after losing Him, but being with Him for 22 years. Do you know how I felt and what I wanted to say? I had to let it go but when she called me again, six months later, I let her know exactly how I felt and she didn’t like it. It was okay for her to tell me that I was dwelling but at the same time she said that everyone deals with death differently when referring to their parents. She is a know-it-all but doesn’t make any sense. We all handle everything at our own pace. Barry
Barry, they didn't live with him, love, eat, come home to, make plans with, etc. etc. They don't know how you feel. They think they do.
My mother in law called after 5 months, hinting she was broke as usual and said, "I know you are in pain, but losing your son is worse than anything". Well, I am sure it was to her but I lost part of my very life. She lived 8 hours away from him. This one always makes it about her.
She wouldn't even have had a relationship with him without my prompting and encouragement as he had trash from their past that he was holding on to. He had never made any effort to visit her or call or anything when we met. Long story but he had no respect and resented her and the way she had treated her children. Anyway, strange things when someone passes.
For both you and Christine. I wanted nothing more than to close the door on our home and walk away leaving all the memories behind, but now I feel at home here more so than ever because it holds so many memories of laughter and love and sharing and caring and it doesn't hurt as bad to feel those things now. It will be 1 year May 22, and Barry I have been feeling more emotion too. I think the memories and dread of that day might be the answer. I will be thinking of you on May 8. I am thinking of a way to celebrate his life. Who knows how I will feel.
Christine, you are getting your sense of humor back and that is a good sign. "Gay Day in Las Cruces, New Mexico". I remember when my children's father and I divorced, it seemed ever couple in town was together and cozy on sunday and it bothered me but now I just wonder if they know how blessed they are and if they are being kind and loving every day so if they lose each other there will be no reqrets. I know now that it can happen to anyone because it happend to me. Suep

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