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christine
i feel like i HAVE lost it.
i am back to going to hospital every day cos of my dad and the place is killing me. When mark was there i had permission to sleep over as his was a special and prolonged case but i never thought i wud have to go back so soon.
every item reminds me of mark right down to the little bap rolls he used to love and all i do is cry while i visit my dad...he does not need to see me like that..i know !!! i am trying hard but all it takes is something silly to set me off.

today i was speaking to a friend who lost her mother (but thank God she did not tell me 'i know what you are going through'..)..all she said was..annalise, it is something you will have to live with for the rest of your life !!
and i guess that just about sums it up...

My days seem to be getting worse and my emotions seem to be getting more raw as the days go by.....thought it was supposed to work the other way round :(
Christine and Anneliese

Yes I feel angry just like you two I have my good days and my bad days and even my moments where I just want to be left alone to cry or to be hugged and cry but there is no one here..I talk to my darling everyday I say goodmorning and good nite religiously but its not the same I was dusting my wallunit the other day where my darlings ashes are and I just pulled the box done and held them ... it still didnt feel like reality..
Like everyone here changes have had to be made I have had to cut down on a lot of things .. the hurtful thing is that these things (sky tv etc) we only had because it was the only enjoyment in life that Graham had and it helped him get through his rough days..I too got mail and it was the first time that it did not have Grahams name on it..everything was Mr and Mrs but now its only my name and I cried Im still his wife it made me feel so alone..no one will take that from me..
I got a letter from my motherinlaw the other day I have not seen her since the funeral day - Graham was her oldest son and she took it very hard he was also her first child to die..I have not had the courage to ring her because I know I will just break down and cry .. the family are a good family they keep in touch with me via facebook and bebo and I am grateful for that .. Graham left home at an young age and lost contact with his familty until we started going out and then we stepped back into their lives it was a long journey but he got there and it may have taken over 10 years for us to do it but we did and his family thanked me for this and for taking him home to them....

Brenda I dont know what to say my dear but have courage and strength my husband had everything else but cancer but he suffered just as much to the end - he fought a brave battle I dont know how but he did and I am so sorry for the days I got angry at him and the days I use to be fed up and not visit him .. no one knew Graham was going to go when he did so it was a shock you are never ready for that day so all I can say to you sweet is treasure every moment you have with your darling because once the good Lord takes him theres no going back !!!! At least I had 16 years with Graham.........16 years treasured forever

Brenda please keep in touch on this page it has given me strength and courage to put one foot in front of the other and face each day as it comes I feel so close to everyone here because we all write what everyone is feeling and we are not judged by anyone ..god bless everyone feeling a little teary this morning..

Barry I will be thinking of you lovely on Friday..xxxx Pauline

Christine said:
annalise, I know exactly how you feel. I have so much anger sometimes I dont know what to do with it. She was in and out of the hospitals for years.. with good and bad times in between. I would have gladly taken care of her forever.. no problem.. but like you said.. it was no life for them.. but still.. why couldnt it have been different.. why why why!!! ( yes, i'm screaming). So many questions.. no answers.. why them.. why us.. how do we do this? I cant take it anymore. The pain is absolutely completely unbearable.
I had to downgrade my cable tv and internet cause I cant afford it anymore, which is fine.. but.. I got the bill today and they changed the billing name from her to me.. and I was upset about it!! She is gone and never coming back.. and I doubt she is going to pay this bill anytime soon, but.. I was mad! Yeah, I have officially lost it.

annalise samuel lapira said:
christine,
i thank you for your prayers....i feel so betrayed at times.
i used to pray so much during those 9 months for my precious to get better but God wanted him to Himself i suppose...oh, just dont know at times what to think.
yes..in a flash my life has changed too...do not even have a life any more.
i am just vegetating...hoping that i could be near him right NOW.
ok mark spent 9 months in hospital and it was no life either but somehow i kept hoping that we would get back to some semblance of normality...even if it meant me nursing him for the rest of our lives...i was ready to deal with that.
but DEATH ...no...that was something i was never ready for...well i guess no one ever is ...It is something i cannot come to terms with..EVERYTHING has changed for me.
i used to love shopping for the house and buying clothes for mark and myself..we used to go abroad..with no kids it was not a problem..we could choose to fly at any time of the year..work permitting....
and now ..it is all over and i am so bitter about it.
i guess i should be grateful for the 12 good years we spent together but i am obviously only looking at the suffering i am enduring now.
it is too sharp...the pain leaves me breathless !!!
i wish i could say something to help you all but i am so messed up.
i miss u my precious so so so much !!

I miss Our life. I just want to see Robert sitting in His recliner, watching TV and, even, smoking a cigarette – Yes, My Love, I said, “smoking a cigarette.” I will never understand and this will never make any sense to me, although my mind constantly struggles to comprehend. I don’t know what I want or what to do most of the time. I would give anything just to have Him back but when Robert became disabled in 1996, His whole demeanor changed. He never accepted that He would get better and just gave up. Robert was a very proud and independent individual who never wanted me to fuss over Him so I tried my best not to do it but sometimes I couldn’t help it for the one you love. I know you all know what I mean. It’s not the life I wanted and I’m sure it’s not what He wanted either. I know that Robert didn’t get to accomplish all that He wanted and that is a big part of the hurt I feel as well.

I also cut out all of the things that I couldn’t deal with in 2007 – phone, satellite and all that was unnecessary to me. They were what kept Robert from losing it and He enjoyed them, thank goodness – what I wouldn’t give … We had both names in so many things and now they’re in my name. I still cannot believe this is real. Every once in a while I’ll get something addressed to Robert and I’ll just break down. Sometimes I’ll even get mail with Robert’s first name and my last name or my first name and His last name – these I keep just for the names. From May 2007 until it all finished, I took care of His estate and that was the most difficult task for me to have ever undertaken. Robert’s family agreed to everything, making me His Administrator, for which I am grateful. It made taking care of His estate so much less complicated since He didn’t have a Will. The task wasn’t easier because it meant that the other half of my soul was gone forever and I was just tying up loose ends. I had to write so many letters and explain things and send documents of who I was to Robert but, ultimately, all was taken care of. Some people were very understanding and others just did their job. We are ultimately just a number and paper, unless we’re someone famous.

The hurt I feel for My Blue Eyes has never lessened or subsided. Many days I feel as if I’m losing touch with reality. I feel as if I only exist and for no reason at all. I’m so tired of being here without Him. Every once in a while something else will turn up with Robert’s name which I have to address so I just go ahead and take care of things as I cry again. It’s what I did for so long that it’s ingrained in me. I hate this life. Sorry. My pain can’t come up with too many positive things. My tears are taking over now. Thank you for listenting.

Christine, Lisa, Sue, Annalise, Catherine, Pauline –
Thank you for all the kind words. Barry
barry,
your tears became my tears when I read what you wrote.
I keep marvelling at how our lives have changed so radically since our losses and really cannot get to grips with it.
i will be thinking of you on may 8th....

brenda,
i am not very good with words.
mark did not die of cancer but of a stupid bladder infection but his system was weak after 9 months in hospital so...whatever..
try to be there as much as possible..miracles HAVE happened so do not give up hoping that things will be ok.
i spent as much time as possible with mark during his horrific nine months and am so happy that i did because ironically our relationship strengthened even more than ever...it is a dire shame that he was called to his death any way but i know i have no regrets...i did what i could for him...if i knew i could have given my life to save him i honestly would have but apparently that's not the way it works :(
you are in my thoughts

i am going to have to leave for now

love u all...and thanks
annalise
Its 2 am. Technically, my birthday. I wrote to annette on her memorial but feel the need to write to her here as well, I hope you all don't mind my taking the space.

My beautiful angel and wife annette,

I sit here, depressed, missing you more than words can say. My birthday wish.. to have my wife back. But since that cant happen.. My wish is for you. I wish for you to be happy, healthy, and surrounded by eternal love in God's beautiful kingdom. I wish for you to do all the things your body here on earth no longer allowed. Your spirit and soul was too much for it to contain and now my love, you are free. Free to go wherever you want, and do all the things that you were unable to do here. I miss you baby. I miss your smile, your laugh, your love.. your hugs and kisses, our talks. There is nothing I would'nt give to have my angel back with me. Baby please stay around me as much as you can.. I need you so much. Let me know you are here. You are still the only true love of my life and that will never change honey. My heart and my love went with you. I grieve for myself, but not for you my sweetheart. You have reached the destination. You have suffered for so long and deserve everything that the Lord has in store for you. I light the white candles for you to surround you in love and peace. Be well my love, be happy. I look forward to joining you for eternity when my lessons here are learned and my time comes.

Forever I will be in love with you,
Christine
hi christine,
first and foresmost i would like to wish you a happy birthday but i know it jarrs so all i can say is that you are in my thoughts today.
what you wrote is so beautiful and so poignant and so spot on.
my tears just keep flowing.
i am sure your precious love is with you in spirit and looking over you and protecting you.
i am at work...it is 1030 am here but am quite a mess.

you take care
annalise BIG BIG BIG HUG
Christine

Beautiful beautiful words.......so beautiful I cried ............. everything we all want to say but cant...thank you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pauline

annalise samuel lapira said:
hi christine,
first and foresmost i would like to wish you a happy birthday but i know it jarrs so all i can say is that you are in my thoughts today.
what you wrote is so beautiful and so poignant and so spot on.
my tears just keep flowing.
i am sure your precious love is with you in spirit and looking over you and protecting you.
i am at work...it is 1030 am here but am quite a mess.

you take care
annalise BIG BIG BIG HUG
Christine,
You are in my thoughts. I know that the last thing that you want to hear is Happy Birthday how can it be your love is not here to share it with you. I know trust me we buried my husband the day before my 35th birthday. As far as I am concerned I never have to hear Happy anything ever ever again. Why there is no longer anything for me to be happy about not now that he is gone not ever again. Your words to your wife were so beautiful I wish that I could feel that way, but I don't I guess I am a shelfish cause I don't want to think of my husband being happy without me cause I know I can't without him. I am glad however that he is not in pain anymore I just wonder alot if he knew how much his leaving me would put me in so much pain? Sorry there I go rambling again.
Christine you are in my thoughts and prayers today dear.

Christine said:
Its 2 am. Technically, my birthday. I wrote to annette on her memorial but feel the need to write to her here as well, I hope you all don't mind my taking the space.

My beautiful angel and wife annette,

I sit here, depressed, missing you more than words can say. My birthday wish.. to have my wife back. But since that cant happen.. My wish is for you. I wish for you to be happy, healthy, and surrounded by eternal love in God's beautiful kingdom. I wish for you to do all the things your body here on earth no longer allowed. Your spirit and soul was too much for it to contain and now my love, you are free. Free to go wherever you want, and do all the things that you were unable to do here. I miss you baby. I miss your smile, your laugh, your love.. your hugs and kisses, our talks. There is nothing I would'nt give to have my angel back with me. Baby please stay around me as much as you can.. I need you so much. Let me know you are here. You are still the only true love of my life and that will never change honey. My heart and my love went with you. I grieve for myself, but not for you my sweetheart. You have reached the destination. You have suffered for so long and deserve everything that the Lord has in store for you. I light the white candles for you to surround you in love and peace. Be well my love, be happy. I look forward to joining you for eternity when my lessons here are learned and my time comes.

Forever I will be in love with you,
Christine
Barry you are also in my thoughts sweetheart. I worry about you alot. I just can't image what you are going though. I don't know what I would have done if me and my husband would have had to hide our love for each other. Stay strong dear sweet Barry cause alot of here count on you to know that we can make it a year or even longer. Not that it is easy or that we even want to but that it is possible.
All my love
Lisa
I just don't know what to do the last three nights I have had some of the most terrible nightmares to wear I am waking up in a cold sweat and I am afraid to close my eyes again. I have been dreaming that this was all a joke that my husband and family have been playing on me the last 6 months, then in these dreams my husband tells me that he is only back for a little while and he must die again. So night after night I get him back then I watch him die over and over again I am reliving his death in all my dreams. The strange thing is he is not dyeing in my dreams the way he really died. Why is this happening? Why am I dreaming these things? One of my dreams was so real in it I woke up from this nightmare to find him laying next to me I could feel his breath on my face and his hand in mine while he smiled at me and told me that he was sorry for playing this awful joke on me. Then I wake up for real and I am back in the nightmare of everyday life. Please someone tell me what all this means. Am I losing my mind???
Lisa, I don't know how to explain the dream but my thinking is that there is part of you that hopes this is "a big joke". It feels so impossible and who can understand.
Maybe pray right before you go to sleep and ask for good dreams or that you won't be afraid. It sounds like your dreams are all jumbled up with your thoughts and hopes.
I have wanted to dream about Tom but nothing. I have felt he is around me however.
I hope you get a good dream that blesses you and takes away some of the pain. I dreamed about Mom about 6 months after she passed and we were laughing. It was like a mini visit. suep
I shared on legacy awhile ago but then i stopped everything i now do seems inconsistent and disjointed .My darling wife passed away feb 13 2008 and i thought for some ridiculous reason my pain would subside after a year but it is as if a year had never passed. I went on a 5 km walk sunday to raise money for the hospice in which she died it was all tears again.I cannot leave our home but to go to work and do some grocery shopping as i just want to be here with mairlyns spirit.I went to do some work in northern alberta for a month thinking i could be more peaceful.no way as nothing changes.I love Marilyn so much as I do believe I danced with the angels when my darling was alive.Now I really only exist and I know if I did not have my son and daughter from a previous marriage who I love dearly I would not even bother to continue on.I try not to be judgmental about people but you can imagine if one thought i should suck it in and get on with it 3 months after my sweets died what do these same people say now.Thus I have given up on people to a large degree.Thus i just want to thank barry,pauline christine,amelia, and all you who have shared their pain and sorrow.I think we are all in an exclusive club of which we never wanted to be members.Einars

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