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Ada, I completely understand. Not a day goes by that I don't ask her if she is ok.. I'm still waiting for some kind of answer.

Ada van Dongen said:
I lost my husband of 35 years this past February. He was on dialysis and his quality of life was gone. Eventually he could merely sit and watch TV and do nothing else. He was such a wonderful man never complaining and the last year it almost killed me to see him suffer so much. After a month of complications, he made a conscious decision to end dialysis. We were lucky we had a week of closeness being able to say our goodbyes but it is still so hard. Death is something that we will never fully understand. I have been in esoteric studies for years and even I have trouble understanding death because no one comes back to tell us if they are ok. At least I don;t know of anyone. Do you?? If we could understand it more we might be able to accept it better. There isn't a moment goes by I don't think of him. I know I will never forget, my life has changes forever, part of me has dies but I hope in time I will be able to enter a new phase in life. I'm joining a bereavement group staring June. Hopefully it will help.
ada/christine
so am i...read so many books were people get to see their loved ones.
they appear and assure them that all is ok....what's wrong with me ???
My Dear Ada

35 years you are such a strong woman how on earth have you coped for so long? My darling will be gone only a mere 14 weeks and 3 days and like everybody else on this page I am falling apart and come here for my strength and courage to get me through the day..sometimes I feel a little stronger than most of them but other days I feel I cant go on without my love and just dont want to be here..

Grahams last 5 months were quality months also given by having his last option of stents put in (for the the 3rd time) the cardiologist never made any promises but just wanted to give him quality and for the first 6 weeks after his procedure he was the wonderful man I first met full of life, love and ambition - but he also slowed down to enjoy those moments..but after those 6 weeks he was back to square one in and out of hospital ..everyweek...the longest he stayed out of hospital was Christmas 2008 he was home for the New Year and then back in again but he suffered badly and wouldnt give in and go to hospital..I felt his pain and it hurt me but he had gotten to the stage where every trip was going to be his last and I didnt want him to go either but I couldnt let him suffer and took him in to hospital ..

Grahams last 2 months were in a wheelchair - his only escape was getting outside and enjoying going for walks with our baby on his bike ..it was also his only independence..apart from that it was in front of the tele..even his eating had gone down to nothing..the week before he died we had talked about him going into a nursing home just until we had our bathroom refurbished to accomodate his showering needs and he was okay with that..I had the routine of showering him at the hospital it was the only thing I could really do for him ....there are days I get angry with myself because visiting him had its days where they became a chore and I use to go up grumpy...if only I could take those days back...

Graham died of a heartattack - (in plain english) - he had multiple illnesses - diabetes, epilespy, he had had a triple bypass in 2001 and he was never the same - he had 3 lots of stents, a defribillator put in in 2005 (to the day he died it had not gone off), asthma, and chronic heart disease ...and he paid dearly for it all - what a life to put up with all this...I wish if I had met him years before maybe just maybe he may have been healthier and less stressed.................

God bless you Ada you have given me a lettle strength today ....if only for the day..thank you for coming on this page and do keep in touch

Ada van Dongen said:
I lost my husband of 35 years this past February. He was on dialysis and his quality of life was gone. Eventually he could merely sit and watch TV and do nothing else. He was such a wonderful man never complaining and the last year it almost killed me to see him suffer so much. After a month of complications, he made a conscious decision to end dialysis. We were lucky we had a week of closeness being able to say our goodbyes but it is still so hard. Death is something that we will never fully understand. I have been in esoteric studies for years and even I have trouble understanding death because no one comes back to tell us if they are ok. At least I don;t know of anyone. Do you?? If we could understand it more we might be able to accept it better. There isn't a moment goes by I don't think of him. I know I will never forget, my life has changes forever, part of me has dies but I hope in time I will be able to enter a new phase in life. I'm joining a bereavement group staring June. Hopefully it will help.
thanks christine for your response another dull day the scary part of everything is that an accepted part of anew life is dullness i sincerely hope ada and all of us find a new phase in life .this is just too hard.i did counselling for the last year thought it helped maybe it did for the moment but still am where i am .today am just wondering why mairlyn had to die she was so so courageous as all our soulmates were she was much more generous loving and a better person than me.why was i not chosen.do you or anyone wonder about why we were left behind einars
annalise only saw mairlyn once shortly after she died in a dream she was so accepting of her next life that maybe i just accepted that and didnt dwell on not seeing her and hearing her tell me she was alright but now listening to you christine and ada i feel like i have missed the boat big time einars
I’ve been reading your posts and didn’t expect much to change over a few days.

Einars,
You are so right when you say that, “It still astounds me that it seems like last year never happened and Marilyn passed on such a short awhile ago.”

Time traveled at light speed, at least for me it has. The two-year anniversary came up so quickly and I can’t believe it because I still see Robert as if it were yesterday. Time appears to be moving quicker than I remember anyway. I am sorry that I have nothing positive to offer anyone. I couldn’t even wish Christine a “happy” anything. Every holiday and anniversary and special day for both Robert and my Mom have been nothing but painful. I have Christmas cards from 2007 and 2008 which I haven’t even opened. The ones from Robert’s relatives – we opened together. I just couldn’t open them and then they were addressed to me only which made it that much more difficult. I haven’t celebrated anything, nor do I feel like celebrating anything.

Over the last several weeks I was lost and emotional and numb and crying and missing Robert so and remembering so many things and talking to Him and missing Him more and wishing things were different and the guilt and the regrets and wishing I had done things differently and the would’ves and should’ves and the what if’s and my mind just kept going through every topic that it could conceive. I feel like Robert was here in my life for only an instant, (a twenty-two year instant), and then, in another moment, He’s gone. It makes no sense that my perception of time has skewed so much. None of this makes sense. Mother’s Day was another source of pain for me. It seems like one after the other when it comes to these celebratory days.

This past weekend I didn’t leave the house and didn’t speak with anyone. I felt as if I was losing it because the loss of Robert and my Mom became overwhelming and the cycle of numbness, emptiness and all the emotions kept my mind occupied. I used to feel that I wasn’t living when I was so busy that I barely had time to sleep but now I don’t even feel like I’m living – I’m just existing with no purpose or direction.

I know that it’s over two years now but I don’t know what to feel or how to feel or think any longer. I miss Robert so but I can’t even talk to anyone about it because they think I should be over Him by now or I’m dwelling or whatever phrase they wish. I found My Life’s Love, in Robert. I’ve cried more over the past two years than I’ve cried my entire life. I sent Robert’s parents a slide show DVD with various pictures of Him and all of us, and a photo book about 2 months ago and they have yet to contact me. We haven’t spoken since the beginning of January, 2008. I thought Robert’s parents would like to see photos of Him that they have never seen. I guess I was wrong. I spoke to His sister right before and after hurricane Ike, in September, 2008, – when she called, drunk, and said that (they) were concerned. I really hate having to contend with stuff like this on top of my grief.
I took an antidepressant for 6 months in mid-2006 but I became an emotionless zombie for the duration. After I lost my Mom, on Christmas Day, is when I stopped taking it. Because of the drug, I didn’t even realize that Robert was going through some problems at that time too. It hurts me so to think that I wasn’t even aware of some of the things He was going through, all because of the medication. This is another source of regret and guilt for me. I’ve even started drinking and I don’t even like the taste of alcohol. I’m so tired of this, you just don’t know. I just keep hurting and crying when I think of all these things. I will live with my guilt and regret until I die. Sorry, I don’t have anything positive to add.
hi barry you sum everything up so well it has been a year and three months since marilyn died actually today at 2 am i sit here and go on this web site because there are friends here who understand and i get some glimmer of maybe hope for you it has been over two years and you are so sad is there any hope at all for the future i cannot see it i loved marilyn so much nothing in life now matters thanks for your sharing einars
tonight is the worst i guess because of the date i have been crying off and on for the last three or four hours i thought i had all these coping mechanisms in place i ve worked in africa middle east all over canada before i met marilyn married previously two wonderful children from before they are here in ottawa so that is all good ran into all sort of situations travelling supposed to help you in life as barry says the love of your life marilyn was that and is that i just know there is no future without her i do not really want to pretend every day is dull or worse no one else gives a damm and i live a life of complete solitude after work when does it end when do i talk myself into discarding my passion for marilyn i do believe we only meet this one person in our lives who strengthens us and makes us into something special marilyn did that for me and i know i cannot let it go sorry all for rambling but its just that i feel so bad love to all einars
Im sorry but I had this song in my head and just had to write the words are probably mixed up but I just cant get it out of my head


I would take the stars out of the sky for you
stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
Id do anything for you your wish is my command
i can a mountain when your hand is in my hand
Words cannot express how much you mean to me
there must be some other way to make you see
if it takes my heart and soul you know ill pay the price
everything that I possess id gladly sacrifice

Though youre close to me we seem so far apart
maybe given time youll have a change of heart
if it takes forever boy then Im prepared to wait
the day you give your love to me wont be a day too late

You to me are everything the sweetest song that i could sing oh baby oh baby
To you i guess im just a clown who picks you up each time youre down oh baby oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes upon you know got the power boy to keep me holding on ..
oh now you got the best of me come on and take the rest of me oh baby......
hi dear friends
barry good to hear from you as was getting a bit concerned.

just back from a bereavement support session...really not sure if it is helping me or not to be quite honest. I guess it will in the long run...well, i hope it will.

pretty down myself this morning.
ystrdy went on Mark's grave ...still have to decide on a headstone so went to an outlet but what i saw i did not really like...too gaudy !! hoping for some inspiration ...do not want to just fix anything...and have to be happy with it.
sometimes cannot believe thay he is not here any more :(

my thoughts are with u all.....
Barry,
So glad to hear from you I was getting quite worried about you.
The last couple of days have been the worst after hearing from Bruno's daughter-in-law and what she has put me through I guess has just flooded me with those feelings of I am so alone in this life now. He was my protecter he would'nt let anyone treat me the way that she did. I have a dear friend of mine of 14 years here on vacation I have not seen in almost 5 years and I can not even enjoy the visit cause of all this pain.

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