Hello all my friends
Well its another day - one foot in front of another..same routine - different day..just like everyone else i hate this existence without my darling..next week will mark Grahams 4th month - my god where has the time gone or have I just gone through these weeks blinded by love and pain??? and then the week after will be our 11th wedding anniversary - how am I going to get past this day - that day changed my life forever even though we had already been together 5 years..I remember when I first met Graham I knew straight away I was going to have him - we were instant soulmates - it mite sound corny but even when I first heard his voice on the phone I fell in love then!! and when we met I knew I wanted him ..it took us a while he gave me all the space I needed .. and believe it or not it did my head in I didnt want the space I just wanted my man!!!
I am so sorry for everyone here for their loss, their struggles with day to day living, maybe Im just a little strange but yes I am angry, I am sad, I am lonely and I miss my darling so much but I feel I am not struggling as much as everyone here? why? Have i put my baby to rest and let him go? what am I doing?
Through Grahams years of sickness I became a very strong person - I had to cope without him numerous times - I had to run our businesses without him, I raised our kids without him, my life was a little lonely because he was in hospital most of the time - I gave up studying to be with him and care for him - he use to get angry at me for putting my life on hold but he was my life and I wouldnt have changed that - there were days I was so tired that when I went to the hospital all I wanted was for him to come home and be by my side - he knew it too - but all he could do was hug me..that got me through and then Id go home and cry wondering what would I do without him..
15 weeks later I think Im doing okay...I just hope that my darling knew just how much I love him and how much he meant to me and I also have that question - is he alright?
Take care my friends xxxx
annalise samuel lapira said:hi christine, lisa, barry, einars and pauline
i too feel very bad cos life is precious but i keep praying that i die soon because i cannot live like this any more....
i too have bought a myriad of books about life after death and the art of dying and cannot understand how so many people get to see their deceased loved ones and i hardly get any signs...the way i love mark i would have thought i would be getting some communication on a regular basis.
i was brought up as a catholic but my faith was badly bruised since mark fell ill.
i prayed so hard for GOD to save my love but apart from the fact that mark never made it he suffered a horrific senseless 9 months of excruciating pain which no amount of morphine or the likes could control...why why why ??? nothing makes sense any more. ..i feel that my pain is now a continuation of mark's physical pain as similarly it is uncontrollable and i am totally inconsolable. At least i hope mark is now pain-free and at peace but i have to carry on suffering and i would rather not be around..whether there is an afterlife or not......as i cannot live without mark..he was my whole reason for being....
you know...when illness takes over..especially when it is rather long term people normally say ..at least he is now at peace and his carers are relieved too...yeah right !!! I would take mark back again in hospital in a heartbeat and not have to go through what i am going through right now....my suffering started with his illness and even after his death it is far worse .....as i say ...i hope he is at peace but i am by far worse than ever......i am not being selfish because my poor husband went thru an agonizing
To all my grieving freinds. It is one year 5/22/09. It has gotten better and I like to think it will for you too. I have not posted much because I am a little further down the road and I began to feel like maybe I was doing too good for some of you. I was trying to allow you to know that you will feel better. I have had many tears in the past few days and others have asked, "do you want to do something special to mark this date"? No, I want to remember his life and our life and the sadness comes from realizing that I must go on without him. I miss him every day but the sadness is more melincoly(sp) rather than the gutt wrenching pain that I had in the early months. I know I can go on without him because I must. I too would take him back in a heart beat but that is not a choice I have so I must live my life and not be destroyed by his passing but remember how much we both healed from past hurts, together, we healed and we had a blessed life together. I still do have a blessed life and he wouldn't want me to be sad I know this in my heart. I feel like I will honor what we had by living the best life I can without him. It isn't easy and some days even now I feel cheated and somewhat angry and so many other emotions but it passes and I have to accept and it gets better at that point.
This was a tragedy, the hardest thing ever I have experienced and my life has been tough. I will survive and be joy filled again because that is how we survive. I will never forget Tom, how could I, he is part of me and always will be.
Spring and summer is here, and hope springs eternal. Suep
Lisa, you said it yourself. "Bruno would want me to be happy"! Maybe happy is to much to ask of yourself at this point but Lisa, you have to survive. Talking about your feelings is the first step and you are doing that. I am concerned for you and ask you to please talk to someone there you trust.
I finally got on antidepressents and even had them increased and honestly I begin to feel normal and I just think that when you have such a horrible thing happen in your life you always need help to get through it. There is no shame in drugs as they can help to balance your chemistry that was totally thrown off with this expereince. This is a terrible shock no matter how it happens. Eating right and taking walks and being with someone that you can relate to is good. I had such a long winter and was sad so many days and sometimes I just felt like you said and I just had to get help. I have people to talk with that I can be honest with and that helps.
Please Lisa, remember those that love you and believe me you can get through this and you will if you can hang on. I encourage you to see a doctor and get some help. There is no assurance that you would be with Bruno if you did something to yourself and maybe it would change your outcome. Just please get some help and take care of yourself. You do matter and you are important in this life and even though Bruno is not with you in the physical, he is still with you.
I find that spending time with kids helps me some. Some days I need to be with strangers and somedays alone. Whatever it takes, please make a committment to yourself that you will survive this.
I wish I was there to be a friend but please accept my love and know that you are a valuable person and worthy of joy in your life and you will survive. Suep