Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 28, 2009 at 12:06am

No sooner do I hit the "reply" button on this site.. and my emotions have changed yet again. Second to second they can be completely different. Its exhausting. I am grateful that she is not hurting anymore.. I know she didnt want to die.. but I am so devastated, angry, upset.. the list goes on and on. Maybe because of the circumstances surrounding her cause of death.. she is dealing with alot of her own stuff up there and can't do anything.. I dont know. I just think that if she could let me know somehow that she wants to be around me and that she hasnt left me completely.. maybe I could get through this a lil easier. I just miss her beyond belief and I am still very much in love with her no matter what.

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on May 28, 2009 at 3:53am

christine
yes i empathise completely.
i too feel so distraught.
yesterday went to see my dad in hospital (he is still there) and there was a shirt that had belonged to Mark hanging on a hanger just beside the bed and i just burst out crying. Mark had passed it on to my father.
i just couldn't stop myself and my poor father said..i should have died instead of Mark...in between sobs i told him...no no dad...nothing to do with you. Poor thing...yes he is older than Mark but wud obviously have preferred both of them to be here.
i am such a basketcase..

Permalink Reply by sue on May 28, 2009 at 10:14am

Christine, I truly believe they are around us and see what is going on but they are not in pain because they can also see down the road and know how it will workout for us.
I do understand what you mean however. I have of course continued to talk to Tom and I think the yearning for his physical presence is what hurts so much. I see his beautiful hands and long to hold them. He was a hand holder. I try to imagine he is still here sometimes and I close my eyes and just reflect on times we laughed about things and I can see him in my minds eye and it helps. Girl, I feel so bad for you but please trust me when I say this is part of the grief process and it is a process. I don't think we will ever forget but I think like one person said, "we learn to deal with the pain" When I reflect back on how I was in the early stages I can't even believe how much better I am getting. I have drugs however. I needed something to help me get through the process and I know it is helping me to go on and function. I felt like I would die with the pain and there were days when I just sat. I don't even know how I did the things I did do. I had to force myself to make a call or write a check or just deal with my every day life. After the first shock wore off, the pain sat in and it was unbearable at times. I cried until I had no more tears and I had every emotion you have described but I do have more good days now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am only trying to offer you hope, I am no different than you, not stronger, or wiser or anything like that just further down the road. I am praying for you Christine. My heart hurts for you because it is a familar feeling. Suep

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 31, 2009 at 4:07pm

Hello all, It seems that things have quieted down or it has been difficult to post anything at this time. I couldn’t find the strength to post anything because I have been going through bouts of numbness, emptiness and extreme emotional mood swings this entire month. From everyone’s posts it appears that we have all been experiencing similar feelings. As much as I didn’t want to, I had to move some of Robert’s things today and it just brought me to pieces. I cried as I moved His things and I cried because I remembered the significance of some of these things and cried as I typed this post. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt though. Everything just swirled through me and cut through the depths of my soul like a huge knife. I have procrastinated for such a long time before I finally decided to move or change anything. It’s one of my weaknesses. I feel like I’m betraying Him although I know that I need to do it but I’m doing only a little at a time, which is what I can bear. Barry

Permalink Reply by Christine on May 31, 2009 at 6:55pm

Hello everyone,

Barry, The last couple of days I dont think I have cried.. although I work so much during the weekend, I really dont remember. I'm sorry that you had to go through so much pain moving Robert's things. I still go in the bedroom.. look at them.. and leave. I was sitting in the room the other day looking at all her things, and although still painful to look at, it was also a little amusing to me because.. these things are here for me.. not her. She doesnt need them ever again and probably could'nt care less what I do with them! Its only been a little over three months so I know I cant move anything yet. At this point I dont see me doing that for a long long while. But I do understand that at some point.. you may need the space. I feel for you though.. I'm not looking forward to it.

Annalise,
Hope you are doing ok.. sounds strange even to write it.. Like any of us really are ok. I need to start looking for a headstone for Annette and I have been putting it off. Even though she was cremated, she was put in the ground with her mother so I do need to get something, probably on the small side cause it will have to go directly beneath her mom's. I hope your dad is doing better.

Sue,
Thank you for your kind words. I really really hope that she is around me, I am still so angry at her for what she caused. Some of the books I have read say that it is very hard for spirits to get through those particular emotions for some reason, so maybe she is trying but I am the one unknowingly stopping them. I dont know. I wish that I could get on some kind of medication, but I have no insurance and cant afford the doctor at this point.. or counceling.



BarryWHK said:

Hello all, It seems that things have quieted down or it has been difficult to post anything at this time. I couldn’t find the strength to post anything because I have been going through bouts of numbness, emptiness and extreme emotional mood swings this entire month. From everyone’s posts it appears that we have all been experiencing similar feelings. As much as I didn’t want to, I had to move some of Robert’s things today and it just brought me to pieces. I cried as I moved His things and I cried because I remembered the significance of some of these things and cried as I typed this post. I didn’t realize how much it would hurt though. Everything just swirled through me and cut through the depths of my soul like a huge knife. I have procrastinated for such a long time before I finally decided to move or change anything. It’s one of my weaknesses. I feel like I’m betraying Him although I know that I need to do it but I’m doing only a little at a time, which is what I can bear. Barry

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on June 1, 2009 at 5:20am

hi barry

i admire you that u managed to move some of Robert's stuff .... mark's clothes are still hanging where they were...his room is still as it was with all his little ornaments and i am finding it so difficult to move anything.
i spent saturday night there and all i did was sob into his pillow and kiss his clothes and act quite abnormally but i really miss him oh so so so so much ..hardly slept a wink...sleeping pill and all.
i just keep waiting to hear the key turn and seeing him again.
how unbearable it all is!!!

chrsitine....thanks for asking after my dad.
he is out of hospital but pretty miserable and my mum cannot handle him too well. he is using a frame to walk but the house has many stairs so it is a bit of an ordeal...told her to move a bed downstairs or install a chairlift but she is set in her ways..i do not need more misery but looks like this seems to be my fate.
i too feel like i am shutting mark off cos of my misery and grief...i do try hard but then it just comes back in waves...like today i just cannot stop the tears ....
just dont believe how my life has been reduced to such a sad sad state...
sorry for this but i really do wish that i knew when time starts to heal something somewhere.....cos i really do not feel like it it

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on June 2, 2009 at 7:23am

Thanks for the kind words. I never knew that anything could hurt as much as this. It feels like my mind is being, endlessly, tortured. I would take any physical pain over the pain that I’ve experienced the past couple years, after losing my Mom and Robert. I’ve been riding the emotional rollercoaster for so long - it’s like the proverbial snowball that just keeps getting larger as it moves. I guess one day I’ll hit a wall but I don’t know what will happen then. Barry

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 2, 2009 at 9:37am

Friends,
Sorry I have not been here in awhile it seemed like it was getting to hard as I was reading all the pain that we all were going through it just seemed unbearable. I am trying to get back to some sort of "normal" whatever that is. I am looking for work as I have not worked since my baby passed. I am also trying to find a place of my own for me and my son I think that it is time that we start learning to deal with each other without other people. All this is so over bearing that I am not sure what to do. As I am doing these things I feel as though other people are judgeing me and thinking that I am "better" or that I have forgotton about Bruno. At the same time I feel as if I am betraying him that I have not suffered enough it has only been a bit over 6 months and I am trying to have a life how dare me. I am so confused on what is right and what is wrong at this point. I finally went and ordered our headstone and in some weird way it brought a peace that I was not expecting and I felt guilty about that to. I know that I am losing my mind now. When does this cycle stop????

I hope that you all are doing better then me.
I think about each of you everyday.

Permalink Reply by sue on June 2, 2009 at 11:21am

Lisa, there is no normal at this point. If you can have even seconds of joy and hope then you are okay. I do know about the guilt however and I am not sure why we go through that one. Could it be the surviving guilt like people have when they survive a car wreck or plane crash and others don't? I don't begin to understand but I think you are on the right track and getting into whatever is "normal" for you and your son will be good for both of you. Bruno is gone physically and that part of your normal life can't be the same but you can have a different life with you son. What is normal anyway? That is someones opinion and give me slightly abnormal any day. Giggle. Normal sounds so boring. suep

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 2, 2009 at 1:46pm

Sue,
You are right normal does sound so boring. And one thing that I can say is that my life even before Bruno was never normal(grin). Thank you for your words of hope cause like I said when I talk to other people about this they judge me. I just wish that they knew for one second how much I love and miss him and how things in my life will never be the same. Heck my sister has even told me that if I ever started seeing someone else (which won't happen soon or ever) that I was not to bring that person around her because "she could not betray Bruno that way" I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and it was her that was going to be every night alone with no one to talk to. Or her that had no one to take care of her when she was sick. I am not saying that I want or have even thought about seeing anyone else how could I Bruno is my everything. But on the other hand I look at it and see oh my God I am a 35 year old widow with 2 children and I am all alone. Am I suppose to stay this way till I die. I just wish someone had the answers for me. Sorry to have rambled I just get so emotional and angry at stupid people. Thanks for the ear.

sue said:

Lisa, there is no normal at this point. If you can have even seconds of joy and hope then you are okay. I do know about the guilt however and I am not sure why we go through that one. Could it be the surviving guilt like people have when they survive a car wreck or plane crash and others don't? I don't begin to understand but I think you are on the right track and getting into whatever is "normal" for you and your son will be good for both of you. Bruno is gone physically and that part of your normal life can't be the same but you can have a different life with you son. What is normal anyway? That is someones opinion and give me slightly abnormal any day. Giggle. Normal sounds so boring. suep

Permalink Reply by Christine on June 2, 2009 at 3:15pm

Lisa, Your so right. You are only 35 with possibly a whole life ahead of you. It is not what any of us wanted but.. here we are. I don't think you would be betraying Bruno at all no matter what you do. He will probably be the one pushing you to get out there! The love you two had will remain forever and no one could ever take his place, but your right.. Its hard to be alone. I know that I could never love anyone else the way I love and still love Annette, but, I'm only 44. I dont think I would be betraying her if someone ever came into my life. She will always be in my heart and she is the only one I really want to see waiting for me when its my time, but it is hard to have no one to share things with, or care for you when your sick or just feel like your somewhat human again. When and if the time comes, we will know what is right or not for us but like you said, your sister has no idea what you are going thru and the massive love you still have and will always have for Bruno.

Lisa said:

Sue,
You are right normal does sound so boring. And one thing that I can say is that my life even before Bruno was never normal(grin). Thank you for your words of hope cause like I said when I talk to other people about this they judge me. I just wish that they knew for one second how much I love and miss him and how things in my life will never be the same. Heck my sister has even told me that if I ever started seeing someone else (which won't happen soon or ever) that I was not to bring that person around her because "she could not betray Bruno that way" I wonder how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and it was her that was going to be every night alone with no one to talk to. Or her that had no one to take care of her when she was sick. I am not saying that I want or have even thought about seeing anyone else how could I Bruno is my everything. But on the other hand I look at it and see oh my God I am a 35 year old widow with 2 children and I am all alone. Am I suppose to stay this way till I die. I just wish someone had the answers for me. Sorry to have rambled I just get so emotional and angry at stupid people. Thanks for the ear.

sue said:

Lisa, there is no normal at this point. If you can have even seconds of joy and hope then you are okay. I do know about the guilt however and I am not sure why we go through that one. Could it be the surviving guilt like people have when they survive a car wreck or plane crash and others don't? I don't begin to understand but I think you are on the right track and getting into whatever is "normal" for you and your son will be good for both of you. Bruno is gone physically and that part of your normal life can't be the same but you can have a different life with you son. What is normal anyway? That is someones opinion and give me slightly abnormal any day. Giggle. Normal sounds so boring. suep

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on June 3, 2009 at 5:18am

Christine said:

No sooner do I hit the "reply" button on this site.. and my emotions have changed yet again. Second to second they can be completely different. Its exhausting. I am grateful that she is not hurting anymore.. I know she didnt want to die.. but I am so devastated, angry, upset.. the list goes on and on. Maybe because of the circumstances surrounding her cause of death.. she is dealing with alot of her own stuff up there and can't do anything.. I dont know. I just think that if she could let me know somehow that she wants to be around me and that she hasnt left me completely.. maybe I could get through this a lil easier. I just miss her beyond belief and I am still very much in love with her no matter what.

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