Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by sue on June 11, 2009 at 8:08am

Oh Fran, i am so sorry. It was a year for me(5/22/08) but still remember that pain and my heart hurts for you. It is now a physical pain but it will stop hurting as much. Promise. Or, it hurts differently.
Annalise, I too withdrew and needed to be alone. I described it as getting my bearings or figuring out who I was again without him. It hurts I know but I encourage you to do whatever you need and ignore those that tell you otherwise,. They are trying to help but just say, "that is not what I need right now, sorry". It worked for me.
Marlena, my heart stopped because I also lost my Tom. How dear that name is to me. I almost feel like hugging every man that is named Tom!! smile.
What you are feeling is the early stages of grief and in my opinion doing what you can to survive. Your children are a reason to go on. I have grandchildren and they are my reasons, and my own children of course. I have 2 (13) year old grands, 12 ,8,5, 18,16,6 months. They are my hope for future. It will be okay, but this is the hardest thing you will ever experience in your life I believe. At least it has been for me. I felt and sometimes still feel like a big hunk of my heart was just ripped out.
Do you want to say what happened to Tom? My Tom died of a brain anerism, no warning, talked to him and 15 minutes later, got the call. So hard to deal with. YOu are in my prayers, all of you are and I feel very connected to each of you because until you experience this deep loss, you don't know. Be patient with your friends and just know, they are also doing the best they can. They don't know how to help you but they want to. Fondly, Suep

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 11, 2009 at 8:16am

You have to do what is right for you...don't let people bully you into feeling anything less than you do! I think I have finally learned that...some days it feels as if everyone else who have no clue what this life is like think it's time to move on and get back to "normal". These are people that are especially close, the ones I should be counting on the most. What exactly is "normal" anyway? I have been much more assertive lately and just started telling people like it is...I'm not usually one to be so blunt but, it's time to stand up for what I want and need for a change. Make yourself (and your kids if you have any) the #1 priority. Time to to care of you!!

Fran said:

I know exactly what you are saying. It's only been 5 weeks since I lost my beloved husband and already some people are acting like I should be "over it".
They cannot understand that grief is constant and long lasting, and unexpected memories will flash through my mind and bring on overwhelming sadness and tears. I feel like telling them, every time you get ready to speak to your husband or wife from now on, STOP........and tell yourself, oh, I can't.........he or she isn't here anymore. The lonliness is undescribable..........my heart feels like it's been cut out with a knife.

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 11, 2009 at 9:41am

Sue,
I am so sorry that you ened up on this journey. I understand all too well the devastation of such a sudden loss...when one minute everything is as it should be and the next minute the world has stopped!
I don't mind talking about Tom (and yes, I am pretty partial to that name as well,hehe). I find any reason to talk about him...I never want to forget and I don't want anyone else to ever forget either. So, here's the shortened version of his story...Tom was in a snowmobile accident on March 5th. We spent 11 days in the hospital (I stayed day and night with him). He had a punctured lung, broken clavical and lots of broken ribs. He was in lots of pain but, he was awake, alert, eating, talking, walking...doing everything he was supposed to be doing. The doctor's told us that all he needed was time to heal, yes, there would be a lot of pain but, all he needed was time. Ok, no problem, a little inconvenience for a while but, all will be well...or so we thought. On day 11 he had to have his bandages changed from the chest tubes in his side. When we sat him up he started bleeding out his side. The rushed him to the OR but, before they could close him back up his 1st rib punctured his subclavian artery. There was nothing they could do to save him. That was when my world ended! The hardest part to deal with was that we were in the hospital for 11 days and not once did anyone ever give us any indication that anything like this could happen. How could this go undetected? He had xrays everyday and 2 or 3 ct scans...I just don't think they concentrated on his clavical area as much as they did his chest and it just went unnoticed. I am very grateful that we had those 11 days together...nothing profound was discussed but, we just spent time together. I will always treasure that.
I have posted the long and very detailed (maybe too detailed) version as a blog on my page. I'm not quite sure yet how this site works but, I think you should be able to access and read my blog.
Thank you for taking the time to read and let me share my Tom. He has a legacy site too...
www.memorialwebsites.legacy.com/
Marlena (and Tom) Always and Forever

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 11, 2009 at 9:45am

Dear Friends,
I started back to work yesterday after 8 months of not working. I even started in another profession, it was just to painful to go back into the kind of work that I was doing before seeings that Bruno and I always worked together.

Fran & Marlena it makes my heart ach everytime someone new has joined our group it pains me to know that there are still others that are going through what I have went through. I have begged God for no one to ever feel the way I feel. Just keep coming and keep posting here and talking I know that it has helped me allot to know that I am not alone in this joureny. You are in my prayers. I wish I could tell you that this black tunnel of grief will be over soon but it is never over we just learn our way through it without bumping into every wall. It is the same tunnel we have just learnt how to go through it everyday.

You are all in my thoughts each and every day
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Marlena on June 11, 2009 at 10:18am

Lisa,
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers...everytime I find someone else on this journey my heart breaks for them as well. It just doesn't make sense that there should be this much pain in life and that we all shouldn't be allowed to grow old with our love and life's partner.
Congratulations on getting back to work. I hope it helps make your days easier.
I love being able to talk about Tom and our life. It helps get me through this dark tunnel for sure. And it really helps to hear other's stories and how they are managing their journey forward.
Take care,
Marlena (and Tom) Always and Forever



Lisa said:

Dear Friends,
I started back to work yesterday after 8 months of not working. I even started in another profession, it was just to painful to go back into the kind of work that I was doing before seeings that Bruno and I always worked together.

Fran & Marlena it makes my heart ach everytime someone new has joined our group it pains me to know that there are still others that are going through what I have went through. I have begged God for no one to ever feel the way I feel. Just keep coming and keep posting here and talking I know that it has helped me allot to know that I am not alone in this joureny. You are in my prayers. I wish I could tell you that this black tunnel of grief will be over soon but it is never over we just learn our way through it without bumping into every wall. It is the same tunnel we have just learnt how to go through it everyday.

You are all in my thoughts each and every day
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Pauline on June 11, 2009 at 11:52am

Thoughts and prayers are with you Annelise..

annalise samuel lapira said:

sorry i have not been in touch but have been very bad....
cannot say i am getting any better :(

i have been following your posts but not had the energy to post myself.

am thinking of you all

annalise xxxx

Permalink Reply by Pauline on June 11, 2009 at 12:02pm

Well done Lisa - another stepping stone..I threw myself back into work a week after Grahams funeral and I am now paying dearly for it..going bak to work was my bigggest hurdle because I knew I had to face everyone and once that was over it was easier - everyone tiptoed around me and I got so many hugs it felt good to know I had made so many friends in the 6 months I had been working..but it didnt change the pain and the need to just want to sit down and cry everytime I thought about my darling..but I got through it .. but like I said I am now paying for it - the grief is slowly starting to kick in and I need to make my move to my son before it gets out of hand - I feel I am going back to my first week of grief - just endless crying, stressing for no reason and just wanting to scream..

I am so scared that time is passing so fast it will be 18 weeks and I dont want it to go so fast - I feel time is cheating me by going so fast I am so terrified of losing my memories of my darling - its all in my head and my heart but for how long??

My friends thank you for your thoughts and blogs it encourages me to express how and what I am feeling ..

Thinking of everyone xxx Pauline

Lisa said:

Dear Friends,
I started back to work yesterday after 8 months of not working. I even started in another profession, it was just to painful to go back into the kind of work that I was doing before seeings that Bruno and I always worked together.

Fran & Marlena it makes my heart ach everytime someone new has joined our group it pains me to know that there are still others that are going through what I have went through. I have begged God for no one to ever feel the way I feel. Just keep coming and keep posting here and talking I know that it has helped me allot to know that I am not alone in this joureny. You are in my prayers. I wish I could tell you that this black tunnel of grief will be over soon but it is never over we just learn our way through it without bumping into every wall. It is the same tunnel we have just learnt how to go through it everyday.

You are all in my thoughts each and every day
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 11, 2009 at 2:00pm

Pauline,
I am so sorry that is happen to you. I am glad that I have been aloud to walk through this grief in my time in my way. I have had a great support system in my sister and brother in and through this site. It will be 7 mths this month that my lifes reason for living left this world. I to have feared forgetting him his voice his smell his touch his look his everything. But I am finding out that as time goes on these things I will never forget. He is a big part of my soul so I feel that as long as there is a breath in me that I will never forget those things. When Bruno first passed I felt as if I were forgetting but come to find out that was my minds way of protecting me. I now am remembering more and more. The way his big blues eyes sparkled, the way his dimples were when he smiled at me, the sound of his voice, the way his arms felt around me. You will never forget your husband trust your heart and soul I know that is a hard thing to do right now but he trusted it should'nt you? I hope that your journey gets easier. You are in my prayers.
Pauline said:

Well done Lisa - another stepping stone..I threw myself back into work a week after Grahams funeral and I am now paying dearly for it..going bak to work was my bigggest hurdle because I knew I had to face everyone and once that was over it was easier - everyone tiptoed around me and I got so many hugs it felt good to know I had made so many friends in the 6 months I had been working..but it didnt change the pain and the need to just want to sit down and cry everytime I thought about my darling..but I got through it .. but like I said I am now paying for it - the grief is slowly starting to kick in and I need to make my move to my son before it gets out of hand - I feel I am going back to my first week of grief - just endless crying, stressing for no reason and just wanting to scream..

I am so scared that time is passing so fast it will be 18 weeks and I dont want it to go so fast - I feel time is cheating me by going so fast I am so terrified of losing my memories of my darling - its all in my head and my heart but for how long??

My friends thank you for your thoughts and blogs it encourages me to express how and what I am feeling ..

Thinking of everyone xxx Pauline

Lisa said:

Dear Friends,
I started back to work yesterday after 8 months of not working. I even started in another profession, it was just to painful to go back into the kind of work that I was doing before seeings that Bruno and I always worked together.

Fran & Marlena it makes my heart ach everytime someone new has joined our group it pains me to know that there are still others that are going through what I have went through. I have begged God for no one to ever feel the way I feel. Just keep coming and keep posting here and talking I know that it has helped me allot to know that I am not alone in this joureny. You are in my prayers. I wish I could tell you that this black tunnel of grief will be over soon but it is never over we just learn our way through it without bumping into every wall. It is the same tunnel we have just learnt how to go through it everyday.

You are all in my thoughts each and every day
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Christine on June 11, 2009 at 3:27pm

Hi everyone, Cant say I am any worse than usual.. but cant say I am any better either. About the same.. I have been following everyone's posts.. Feel like I have alot to say.. then I end up not being able to type a word.

My thoughts are with everyone,

Christine

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 11, 2009 at 4:49pm

Christine,
Miss hearing from you but know how you are feeling there was a time that I could not come here and post either. It is just good to know that you are as well as can be expected. Please keep coming here we all have so much to share with each other. In some way even though sad for us all it helps me to come here and hear all of you talk and know that I am not all alone in this world. Even though we are all apart in miles we are all connected through this journey. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay in touch.
Christine said:

Hi everyone, Cant say I am any worse than usual.. but cant say I am any better either. About the same.. I have been following everyone's posts.. Feel like I have alot to say.. then I end up not being able to type a word.

My thoughts are with everyone,

Christine

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on June 12, 2009 at 5:33am

thank u pauline
i DO appreciate your thoughts...

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 13, 2009 at 9:56pm

Friends,
I don't know what it is that is going on with me. Today has been a very bad day for me and I can't explain why. I have cried so much and missed my darling Bruno it seems like in a exstream pain today all I have done is lay in my bed and cry. Maybe it is because of the dream I had last night and then I was up getting sick all night and I still feel like I am going to be sick. I just don't know what has happen to bring all of this on again so intense as if it were the day he died again and it is not even the anniversary of his death not for a week yet. I feel so helpless and hopeless again. I don't get it why is this happing to me????? I hope that everyone else had a better day then I did. Thank you all for letting me come here and ramble and not make any sense what so ever!!!

Lisa

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