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Hello and welcome to this site Lisa

Honey no matter what anyone says or tries to do it wont get any easier..I am in my 6th month grieving for my husband of 16 years who also died from a heart attack..too weak "too weak too fight and just wanted to be let go" as the hospital put it..I wasnt there to say goodbye to him (not in the same room - I was sent out so they could treat him)..I wasnt there to tell him it was alright to let go.. saying all that you still get angry at them for leaving you, you ask yourself numerous times why?

I was so fortunate to find this page and it has been my release when Im angry or when I need to share and someone is always there to share and tell you they are there..
Yes losing your partner is the worst feeling in the world and all you want to do is go with them and be with them..I have been so fortunate also to have the loving support of my children - without them I would be god only knows...

However, my husband was a very sick man and we knew everyday on this earth was a blessing and we made the most of what he had but he did leave me without warning and even the hospital werent quite ready for it either..just that day we were talking about him coming home in a few days..yep that didnt happen ... I was angry with myself for the first 4-5 months because I felt I wasnt grieving enough but like someone else said I was also my husbands caregiver and a lot of grieving would have been done while looking after him and I guess its true...

I know its only 6 months but I made a move - only to be closer to my children and for the sake of our 7year old and without their love and support I think my son and I would be hating each other for the rest of our lives - he so misses his Dad but having his big brother step up to the plate has been an honor I am so proud of them both.. I decided to pull myself together and do something about my lonely life ..I am working parttime, making new friends and waiting to do parttime study...yes it sounds great but come to the crunch its just things to do to fill the emptiness in my life..Graham and I did everything together and its hard..I talk to him I have his ashes at home with me and when Im down I will watch his tribute DVD my daughter made for me and have a good cry and carry on..

Please keep coming to this site for solace and release..we cant change what has happened and we have to carry on by ourselves (yes ourselves - no matter how many people are in the same room - you will always feel on your own!

Take care sweetie - look after yourself - do what yo have to do cry, scream whatever dont bottle it up....

xxxxx
Pauline

lisa king said:
hi everyone, i recently lost my boyfriend of 5 years to a massive heart attack, i have never in my life felt such pain and loss in my entire life.....i have lost my parents, grandparents, friends all at a early age (Tim was 46) but the loss of a spouse/partner is a totally different kind of love. i am having terrible thoughts right now, self medicating, and just the feeling of total worthlessness of life is excruciating...in one minute your whole world changes.....your life will NEVER be the same, the person you built your life around is gone and how do you pick up the pieces? how? just thinking i wasn't there when he lay there dying is more than i can stand....strangers surrounding his body, cutting off his clothes trying to get a heartbeat......i need someone to please tell me how their experiences with this pain will eventually go away, because right now, i see no end in sight....(this only happened three days ago). thanks lisa king said:
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Lisa,
We’ve all been going through a major loss and everyone handles it differently. I lost my Life-Partner, Robert, of twenty-two years on May 08, 2007. It’s been a little over two and a half years and we would have been together 24 years this July 11th. I miss Him like it was yesterday. I hurt and cry for Him every single day. Read, so you will know that we all feel the same hurt no matter who we are. Post your comments.

Lisa from Texas,
Your candor is just what needs to be said and what needs to be heard. Please re-post the link to Bruno’s memorial website. Thank you.

Annalise,
Thank you for the Robert’s Guest Book entry. It is exactly how I feel. The hurt I feel for Robert doesn’t subside or lessen. Please re-post the link to Mark’s memorial website. Thank you again.

Pauline and others,
Thank you for sharing.

Barry
It's been 4 1/2 months and I thought I was getting a handle on my emotions, but this past week has been so out of control. The past 5 days I can't seem to stop crying. I cry over everything and I cry over nothing. The waterworks won't stop. The loneliness is the worst even when there are people around. It's so hard to look at everything around here and know that it's Tom's handy work everywhere...or look at something and know that was something that Tom was going to repair and now it just sits there waiting for its own miracle cuz I'm no handyman and it doesn't bother me if things are out of order anymore. This is no life...just an existence.

Marlena (and Tom) Always and Forever
hi barry...mark's link
http://mark-lapira.gonetoosoon.org/
thanks annalise
Hi everyone, These last few weeks have been terrible so I havent posted anything, but I do read them. It's been a little over five months since she is gone and I am no better than before. Taking a second job cause financially not good at all. Getting more depressed, still mad, and just faking being ok. I'm just so tired. Sorry that I don't have anything positive to say!

Annalise, thank you for the beautiful poems.

My best to everyone,

Christine
My dear friends

I have been coming on site and keeping up with everyone I am so sorry that eveyone seems to be having a bad run at the moment it - it doesnt seem fair that I am feeling completely the opposite and honestly it feels great and I feel that everything I have done so far has Grahams blessing..they may seem to be big steps but if I fall over I will just keep getting up and carry on ...

I wish I could just give everyone a personal hug and share the pain that I DO KNOW that they are going through maybe this is just to keep a face on the outside but inside my heart is shattered into a million pieces..maybe one day it will all come crumbling down when I least expect it but right now for each and everyone one of us its one step at a time one day after another...

My prayers, hugs and thoughts to you all

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pauline
Thanks Annalise.

annalise samuel lapira said:
hi barry...mark's link
http://mark-lapira.gonetoosoon.org/
thanks annalise
BarryWHK said:

Lisa,
We’ve all been going through a major loss and everyone handles it differently. I lost my Life-Partner, Robert, of twenty-two years on May 08, 2007. It’s been a little over two and a half years and we would have been together 24 years this July 11th. I miss Him like it was yesterday. I hurt and cry for Him every single day. Read, so you will know that we all feel the same hurt no matter who we are. Post your comments.

Lisa from Texas,
Your candor is just what needs to be said and what needs to be heard. Please re-post the link to Bruno’s memorial website. Thank you.

Annalise,
Thank you for the Robert’s Guest Book entry. It is exactly how I feel. The hurt I feel for Robert doesn’t subside or lessen. Please re-post the link to Mark’s memorial website. Thank you again.

Pauline and others,
Thank you for sharing.

Barry
Barry,
So sorry I have not gotton this on here sooner, I have been going around in circles as you might well know how it feels to feel like you are just going around and around. But please go and visit Bruno's memorial website.

http://www.bruno-koob.last-memories.com/
Lisa,

This is all so new to you, and very, very hard. Your experience of your love and your grief for this man you love will change. Really. You're wise to come here and allow others to share your grief and your love, and you may well be helped by finding a grief group in your area. Hospice organizations are a good place to start.

This is what your love feels like, now. Allowing it to be just what it is right now, that is the key to allowing it to change day by day.

Paul Bennett
www.lovinggrief.com




lisa king said:
hi everyone, i recently lost my boyfriend of 5 years to a massive heart attack, i have never in my life felt such pain and loss in my entire life.....i have lost my parents, grandparents, friends all at a early age (Tim was 46) but the loss of a spouse/partner is a totally different kind of love. i am having terrible thoughts right now, self medicating, and just the feeling of total worthlessness of life is excruciating...in one minute your whole world changes.....your life will NEVER be the same, the person you built your life around is gone and how do you pick up the pieces? how? just thinking i wasn't there when he lay there dying is more than i can stand....strangers surrounding his body, cutting off his clothes trying to get a heartbeat......i need someone to please tell me how their experiences with this pain will eventually go away, because right now, i see no end in sight....(this only happened three days ago). thanks lisa king said:
lisa king said:
Steve Cain said:
Hi all,
I had to work today and I don't know why, but out of the blue this afternoon, I just got overwhelmed. After serving first lunch trays, I had to go back in my office and just cry. Later on, we had one of the churches come in and I asked for prayer, I told them what had happened, they all surrounded me and prayed for me and the tears just poured. I get choked up just writing about it. The thing is, I think it's the first time any of the residents amy have seen me cry. They all know how down I've been since Kris passed away, but this is the first time I've ever been so out front with them. I'm not sure if I should let it go or say something on Tuesday when I go back or let it go. I don't like the fact that I feel like I lost control of myself in front of them.

Thanks for posting the link. I really like this photo of you and Bruno. There is no mistaking how you both feel for each other.
Yes, I know how it feels to go around and around, aimlessly, and then some. I'm lost and have no purpose or direction. I'm just sinking deeper and I really don't care. Barry
Lisa said:
Barry,
So sorry I have not gotton this on here sooner, I have been going around in circles as you might well know how it feels to feel like you are just going around and around. But please go and visit Bruno's memorial website.

http://www.bruno-koob.last-memories.com/
I just don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. My husband passed away April 27th, 2009 and today I am informed by his sister that she is having his body moved. I can not find any answers, this is just so wrong on so many levels. I don't know how much more I can handle.

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