Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jan on January 24, 2010 at 10:03am

Jan said:

Steve Cain said:

Siona,
I would be glad to help.

Siona said:

Hello all.

I posted a similar note in the forum for those who've suffered the death of a child, so forgive me if this is an overlap--or even remotely inappropriate. I know I'm seeking a different sort of assistance, and I don't want to interrupt.

I'm working on a book about grief and loss, and am interested in speaking with people about their personal experiences and journeys--however tangled, however difficult, however unusual--into the deeper parts of those particular oceans.

If you would be open to talking--about your spouse, about your partner, about what life after the impossible is like--please send me a message. I have no agenda and no hypothesis; my interest is in truly, deeply listening to stories around death and loss in hopes of discovering what, if anything, helps, and (as importantly) what does not. And if you know of somewhere more appropriate where I might post this, please just let me know.

So very much love to each of you,
Siona

Permalink Reply by Jan on January 24, 2010 at 10:05am

Jan said:

Steve Cain said:

Siona,
I would be glad to help.

Siona said:

Hello all.

I posted a similar note in the forum for those who've suffered the death of a child, so forgive me if this is an overlap--or even remotely inappropriate. I know I'm seeking a different sort of assistance, and I don't want to interrupt.

I'm working on a book about grief and loss, and am interested in speaking with people about their personal experiences and journeys--however tangled, however difficult, however unusual--into the deeper parts of those particular oceans.

If you would be open to talking--about your spouse, about your partner, about what life after the impossible is like--please send me a message. I have no agenda and no hypothesis; my interest is in truly, deeply listening to stories around death and loss in hopes of discovering what, if anything, helps, and (as importantly) what does not. And if you know of somewhere more appropriate where I might post this, please just let me know.

So very much love to each of you,
Siona

Permalink Reply by agnes westmoreland on January 24, 2010 at 9:33pm

it has been almost six years since my wonderful husband passed.i still have a hard time dealing with every day life .we had 18 good years and it has not been same since.i love and miss him every single day of my life.

Permalink Reply by candace on January 26, 2010 at 8:48pm

Dear Connie,
Im so sorry for your loss, you have my deepest symapthy. It takes a strong person to go through what you have and to continue to do so. You are in my prayers.

Connie G said:

On Jan. 21 of 2009 I lost my husband of 37 years to lung cancer, he was only 57. he fought a long hard battle for 9 months and I have such a hard time getting his illness out of my mind. One month before that I lost my brother to lung cancer and one year before that my friend, 5 years before that my mom also lung cancer. I feel so lost and all alone now. but I try and spend happy times with my children and grand kids. life can be short. Thanks for reading and letting me vent.
Connie

Permalink Reply by candace on January 26, 2010 at 9:01pm

Dear Nikki,
I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God's word the bible provides comfort, please read Psalms 37:11 and ecclesicates 9:11. Nikki said:

My fiance, Brian Sgambati, was killed by a drunk driver December 17, 2009. His 24th birthday would have been December 23, 2009. Brian and I met in high school and have been together for almost 7 years. We were to be married April 24, 2010. He was the love of my life and taken from me way to soon. We were inseperable and loved spending every minute together. I don't know how to get through this. He was my world and now my world is gone. He was a great guy and didn't deserve this. I am so heart broken and just want to see his smiling face once again.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 28, 2010 at 12:58am

My best friend and husband of 14 years died from a self inflicted gun shot wound on June 15, 2000. I still am grieving him not being in my and our childrens lives.
Our children were 9, 7 and 4 when he died. Now my oldest son is 19, and our daughters are 17 and 13. I have since remarried and have two more girls, 5 and 7.
I have felt the pain of losing him throughout the entire ten years; especially at those precious moments that you work so hard for, such as when our oldest graduated high school and went to college on an academic scholarship. He has done so well, and I am so proud of him, yet I am so sad that I cannot share this with his father. The girls also are doing very well in school and activities. They don't get into trouble, and the worse thing I can say is they don't keep their rooms clean.
When will this pain ever leave me? I can't seem to rid myself of the deep pain of his death and abandonment. The hole he left in our hearts can't seem to be filled. I pray and pray for God to take the pain away, but I never have true peace.
I also have continued to spiral downward into myself. I have watched so many "friends" just abandon me, that I have lost the desire to reach out and make new ones. My old ones don't know what to say perhaps, and so they just don't try and I have been abandoned by my friends as well.
I don't know how to make friends anymore either. The story about my husband is turning out to be too much for anyone to handle. I struggled with making friends before this happened, and now it is sooooo much harder. I don't know how or where to begin. And I need friends, especially those who I can laugh a lot with, to be happiest in my life. So, thehusband not only committed suicide but killed my social network as well.
If anyone reads this, and has an idea to help me make friends who won't be scared off by my story, please write.

Thank you,
Michelle

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on January 28, 2010 at 6:16am

Michelle,
I am so sorry, not only for your loss but the manner of it. I would look in your area to see if there is a group for survivors of suicide. We have a strong group here in our area and I have read reports of how it has helped so many people. Keep in touch here and on the group. We care.
Michelle said:

My best friend and husband of 14 years died from a self inflicted gun shot wound on June 15, 2000. I still am grieving him not being in my and our childrens lives.
Our children were 9, 7 and 4 when he died. Now my oldest son is 19, and our daughters are 17 and 13. I have since remarried and have two more girls, 5 and 7.
I have felt the pain of losing him throughout the entire ten years; especially at those precious moments that you work so hard for, such as when our oldest graduated high school and went to college on an academic scholarship. He has done so well, and I am so proud of him, yet I am so sad that I cannot share this with his father. The girls also are doing very well in school and activities. They don't get into trouble, and the worse thing I can say is they don't keep their rooms clean.
When will this pain ever leave me? I can't seem to rid myself of the deep pain of his death and abandonment. The hole he left in our hearts can't seem to be filled. I pray and pray for God to take the pain away, but I never have true peace.
I also have continued to spiral downward into myself. I have watched so many "friends" just abandon me, that I have lost the desire to reach out and make new ones. My old ones don't know what to say perhaps, and so they just don't try and I have been abandoned by my friends as well.
I don't know how to make friends anymore either. The story about my husband is turning out to be too much for anyone to handle. I struggled with making friends before this happened, and now it is sooooo much harder. I don't know how or where to begin. And I need friends, especially those who I can laugh a lot with, to be happiest in my life. So, thehusband not only committed suicide but killed my social network as well.
If anyone reads this, and has an idea to help me make friends who won't be scared off by my story, please write.

Thank you,
Michelle

Permalink Reply by Andrew Koehn on January 28, 2010 at 9:58am

I hope this is the right place to post this. I have a blog called Thirty Seconds that sort of chronicles the lessons I'm learning from the cancer world and the subsequent death of my wife. I miss her very much...just as you miss those you love and lost.

I just posted something called a "Palindrome" in video form. I think it might help in some way. At least I hope so.

(If this is the wrong place to do this I apologize. Please don't flame me...)

Best to everyone!

Permalink Reply by Angi9349 on January 28, 2010 at 10:26am

I lost my husband May of 2005 from cancer. He had just turned 33 in the hospital, I was 26. My family all lived away from me, 5 hours being the closest, so when he passed I was all alone. It has been almost 5 years since he's passed and I'd like to say that it's gotten easier, but in reality I think it's gotten harder. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my husband and miss him. I have tried to move on, using the "if I dont' think about it then it really didn't happen" concept, but I think that is all catching up with me. I have dreams about my husband which leave me crying so hard that I wake myself up. Last night I had these dreams and I have cried non stop from my house even now while I'm at work. I think now it is time for me to try to deal with his death, instead of run from it. I'm looking for any help that I can get. Someone to share my grief with, someone to chat, someone to say "I know how you feel and it WILL get better" not b/c they have read it somewhere, but b/c they have experienced the things that I have experienced. Thank you for letting me share and I hope one day we can all find the comfort that we so very much need.

Permalink Reply by Angi9349 on January 28, 2010 at 1:42pm

LeeLee,

I am coming up on just the 5th year anniversary of my husband's passing. He was a mere 33 years old. He wasn't taken in such a fashion as your husband, but when he was told he had cancer and that he had at least 2 years to live, we figured we'd have plenty of time to get chemo and go into remission. Sadly that was not the case as 4 months after being diagnosed, he took his last breath. In reading your story I saw alot of similarities in the way you think/feel and the way i do. I often ask myself WHY was he taken? He was a genuinely good man. He was a great son, a great brother, a great friend, and an awesome husband. We were married not quite 7 years, but within those 7 years I had the best friend I could've ever asked for. We did not have any children, and while I'd like to say I'm glad that I didn't have to explain to my son/daughter why their daddy went to heaven, I'd like to think that had we had a child together then it could've been a piece of him that I could've had to take with me every where. Five years later an I still miss him terribly so. I, like you, have tried moving on and in fact, I do have a live in partner, but I still find myself day dreaming about memories with my husband. It's not something that everybody understands. In fact, I cry a lot for my husband and I feel as if when I talk to my family or select friends, they get bored and are tired of hearing me complain about it. It's not really that I'm complaining, I'm trying to find the reason as to why he was taken from me. From this world. I dream of my husband quite often, and for some reason in every dream, I can see him so clearly and in my dreams he is as sick as he was during his chemo. Never do my dreams have the man that was always full of energy and full of life, but they have the man that was bedridden and had trouble taking care of himself. Those dreams leave me with a feeling as if there are thousands of barbs all inside of me and wrapped around my slowly beating heart. I feel as if I could've...SHOULD'VE...been able to do something to keep him here with me, as selfish as that sounds. Every holiday I hide. I don't have family around me and his family lives in the same town as I do, but we don't all get along. I've been invited to get togethers with them but I know that the pain I feel when I wake up after dreaming of my husband will be in no way comparable to the pain I'd feel being around his family, just like old times, except without him. I tried going 2 Christmas' ago to a family dinner with his family, and I made it half way there before I had to pull over and catch my breath. I turned around and went right back home where I crawled in bed and stayed until after New Years. I get up every day and live my life the best I can, and I always try to keep a smile on my face, but inside I'm battered. Inside I'm all torn up and I don't know which way to go. I can't let him go, he was a part of me that will ALWAYS be a part of me. He was my first husband, the man that I was supposed to live the rest of my life with. I jsut didn't get that chance. I can't imagine being a widow after 20 years of marriage is any different (harder or easier) than being a widow after only 7 years of marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that we can all learn from each others stories.

LeeLee said:

Its 6:129 am on the morning of "what would have been" my 20th Wedding Anniversary to the most wonderful person I have ever known....I will ever know; in the fact that he was the love of my life. Its been 7 years now...and I know most of you may think...Well its time to not cry, feel so sad and lost and just know this is the way things are now. Then again, maybe you all won't especially if you are coping with a loss of a love one. Since the start of holiday season the heavy load on my heart, the emotional sadness and pain that I am feeling and my heart aching. Well, practically I have days all the time off and on) The biggest thing is I still cry for him...and I cry excessively and I miss him so much. See, My husband was just 41 years old when he died suddenly while running PT(Physical Training) while station in South Korea(Ujambu) I know the spelling is wrong, but of an apparent heart arrhythemia/attack and passed away. At that time we were in our 13th year of marriage. I am always thinking of what he thought of the morning he got up? He was a dedicated family man...so I always think he must of thought of us, my daughter(who is our only child) and I...Then I try and course out his morning. Being that he was active duty Army; he must have gotten up early had his shower, prepared his uniform (as he would always do when he was home) and then he had to go run PT. I always wonder did he have chest pains? Did he feel sick and just ran anyway? I then wonder after getting into his run....Again, did he feel sick, pains, or warning signs that he ignored? Because he was an GO Getter! and that morning as SFC upper rank to the soldiers he was leading (along with two others soldiers of his same rank) he did just that; as I was told, he lead that mornings run. He collapsed after the run was was over a few moments later... He was a new arrival( he had just gotten to Korea 12 days earlier before he passed away. He did not even have to partake in the run being that the Units/Companies allow the soldiers time to adapt to the change of the environment. That was just the type of dedication and honor(no excuse attitude he carried) He passed doing what loved so much doing in an patriotic and honorable way...and that was serving his country. One of the hardest feelings in my grief to concur is that I feel so bad because I wasn't able to be there for him. I feel he passed away alone without me, my mother and father-in-law our daughter and his siblings(even though I know all his commrads where) and it something that is so hard for me and remains to be a lot of my unresolved pain/grief. I ache for the oppurtunity and I know I will not ever be able to change this. He never let me down...he was my best friend and my backbone. I could always count on Edwin. The longing for him doesn't go away. Yeah I am living, I am even dating steadly a nice gentelman, but I still long and miss and love my husband so very much. He was 100% the husband, father, son, brother, uncle, and friend anyone could ever have. So, now on my 20th Wedding Anninversary I would just like to share on this site my story, as so many other have shared about their losses and grief...Hoping this oppurtunity to verbalize will some how help me today. I do understand and I hope that you all who has present or pass grief to deal with will find comfort just as I seek...and understanding as I try to understand too, why thing have to be the way they are? And why do people so dear to us have to leave and why does the pain never really end as we are taught to except and deal with matters in life and succeed in doing so, but the death of my husband and the years that have passed doesn't look nor feel as I am gonna be able to do ever do as mentioned above. To succeed in grief? But I will continue to try. I will continue to live for my daughter and help her too; as she has had so much to deal with also and she is also trying to do those things and I guess I will have to lead the way for the both of us. I know he is still with us...even as I sat here and cry my eyes out...Edwin is with us because he has always been and he will always be.
Thanks for your feed back in advance. To all the Uniform Service Members, I appreciate you all for all your sacrafices be it in war or peace time. As an ex Army wife I know personally the hardships you all endure. To all the family members especially the wives, husbands, and children of fallen soldiers I pray for you all and know also God is with you all as well. HAPPY 20TH ANNIVERSARY EDWIN....I/WE LOVE AND MISSES YOU SO VERY MUCH...YOUR FAMILY.
Still Grieving
in Stafford, VA

Permalink Reply by Andrew Koehn on February 1, 2010 at 10:32am

Hi Angie...

I woke up this morning as my confident, forward-looking self. Somewhere in between getting the kids off to school and heading out for work I sunk into that funk that I can get myself into.

This may sound self-serving but please visit my blog: Thirty Seconds I started it precisely because I didn't just read about losing my spouse...but because I'm living it and I see lessons in it. It's the only thing that doesn't keep me sunk. As I said...right now I'm down...very down. But I intend to go read some of the things I wrote and hopefully that will get me back on track.

Also...if you go there...please check out my videos. I've had others tell me it helped them...maybe it'll help you too.

My new mission is to help people understand what a b*tch this all is...but mostly to help us all band together as survivors...and change the world because we know things about life that we didn't before. I want to share that.

You're not alone, Angie. I'm in it too...as are so many others on this site.

Angi9349 said:

I lost my husband May of 2005 from cancer. He had just turned 33 in the hospital, I was 26. My family all lived away from me, 5 hours being the closest, so when he passed I was all alone. It has been almost 5 years since he's passed and I'd like to say that it's gotten easier, but in reality I think it's gotten harder. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of my husband and miss him. I have tried to move on, using the "if I dont' think about it then it really didn't happen" concept, but I think that is all catching up with me. I have dreams about my husband which leave me crying so hard that I wake myself up. Last night I had these dreams and I have cried non stop from my house even now while I'm at work. I think now it is time for me to try to deal with his death, instead of run from it. I'm looking for any help that I can get. Someone to share my grief with, someone to chat, someone to say "I know how you feel and it WILL get better" not b/c they have read it somewhere, but b/c they have experienced the things that I have experienced. Thank you for letting me share and I hope one day we can all find the comfort that we so very much need.

Permalink Reply by ghall26 on February 3, 2010 at 2:06pm

On Jan. 22, 2010 I lost my husband of 28 yrs!!
OMG!! It's soooooooooooo HARD!!
we would talk and e-mail everyday--so the last 10 days have been sooooo hard!!

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