Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 2, 2008 at 6:17pm

On May 8th, 2008, it will be the one year anniversary for the loss of my life partner, of 22 years, Robert Kopler. I cannot believe so much time has passed, and so quickly it seems. I dread the forthcoming days as my emotions continue to take over. The anniversary of the loss of my Mother was December 25, 2007. Needless to say, this past year has been extremely difficult, losing the two most important people in my life within 5 months of each other. Nothing makes any sense anymore, as hard as I try.
I was reluctant to join this forum because these losses are so painful to keep bringing up, but I decided that it may be beneficial and I decided to share our story. I worked on a dedication website to Robert and my Mom, if you are interested in a little more insight. Please share the site if you find it beneficial and please leave comments. Thank you. Barry.

www.harnamjikopler.com

Permalink Reply by Jessica on May 2, 2008 at 8:07pm

Barry, thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what you have been going through, caring for Robert then losing him and your mother in the same year. Two beautiful people and fortunate that they had you to love and care for them. I guess that makes three beautiful people. My thoughts are with you as you grieve for your mother and Robert.

Permalink Reply by Lee on May 6, 2008 at 7:48pm

Barry, I'll be thinking about you on May 8th. Your website makes it clear how beautiful your mother and Robert were. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you're caring for yourself as well as you cared for Robert and Vilma.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 3, 2008 at 7:43pm

Thank you so much for the kind words, Jessica.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 7, 2008 at 4:55pm

Lee, thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and taking the time to visit the site. Barry

Permalink Reply by Karen on May 8, 2008 at 10:07am

You're in my thoughts today as well, Barry. I know this will be a very difficult day, but please know that others are thinking of you. I can see that both Robert and your mom were great people; your Web site makes that very clear.

Permalink Reply by Lee on May 8, 2008 at 6:52pm

How are you doing today, Barry? I can't imagine how tough the day must be for you, but you're in my thoughts and prayers. Robert gave you some beautiful memories, and I hope that you're able to think about the good times and celebrate his life.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on May 9, 2008 at 6:48pm

On the morning of March 2, 2007, I lost my husband David to a heart arrhythmia, he was only 36 years old.. On that day, my world collapsed. Prior to that I had lost my sister Lissette on 6-1-06 due to cervical cancer. So in 9 months time my bright beautiful world turned into night. I still have not come to terms with my loss. I've been to therapy etc, but its not as simple as talking about it and everything gets better. I don't cry every day but I cry on more days then some. When my sister died, i thought i was prepared for it, hey we knew she was dying the doctors told us it was a matter of time. But nevertheless it hurt when she died, it still hurts. Sometimes when i miss David, i pick up the phone to call her and knowing she is not there, tears me to pieces. I thought i had lost my head, but then David died... I still have trouble talking about it. I was NOT prepared for David dying. David death was unexpected, we did not even know he had this heart arrhythmia. He was only 36 years old, and our son was 3 yrs old at the time. All i can say is thank God for the baby, because if not, i don't know where i would be today. Granted, I am not that same person i was before. I used to fly off the handle and get upset about trivial things. You know like if the house was not clean etc. But now i feel that life is too short, and you just don't know if you are saying good nite for the last time. Who cares waht the house looks like now. My husband, my rock when my sister died, and to lose that rock, that person i thought i was going to grow old with just boggle my mind. I understand how you feel Barry. I agree with you, nothing makes sense. I try to explain to my son why i tell him that his daddy and aunty are ok in heaven, when i am a mess. He can not understand why the book i read to him written by maria shriver, "what is heaven" seems so beautiful & wonderful, yet i am so sad. All i tell him is that i miss his daddy & his aunty. And God knows i miss them so much. Barry, i know yesterday was tough, and i wish that i could say tomorrow is going to be better, but it might never be. After my sister passed away, David said to me that if something ever happened to him, he said it was ok for me to cry if i missed him but he wanted me to smile. If Robert was anything like David, i know he would want you to smile. I do that, i cry when i think of David but i also smile. Almost like when the sun is out but its raining. Smile, Robert is watching.... You can visit my site for david on legacy. Name is david o'connor, he was & will always be my sunshine... Tammy O'Connor

Permalink Reply by Jessica on May 9, 2008 at 10:34pm

Tammy, I'm so sorry for your losses. Such a tragedy to lose both Lissette and David, and so close together. You've endured so much these past two years. Hug your son tight and keep smiling through the rain!

Permalink Reply by Erika on July 14, 2008 at 6:23pm

Hi Tammy,
This is the first time that I have done something like this but I wanted to respond to your story because it is very similar to mine. It will be thirty days on Wednesday that I have lost my boyfriend, Kelvin, to a heart arrhythmia. He was only 38 years old. Although we knew of the condition, I would not have expected his death so suddenly due him taking medication to control it. I only knew him for a short time (10 months) but have felt that I knew him for a lifetime. He had become such a part of my life and my daily routine. This has been one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with but I know that I have to take it one day at a time. I also know that as much as I love him and want him here still with me, God does not give us more than we can handle even though it may not feel like it.

Erika

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on May 12, 2008 at 5:49am

Tammy, I visited your Sunshine's site on Legacy and understand your loss.
I didn't expect Robert to ever leave because almost every other year he would be in and out of the hospital with some complication, so, after a decade of this, I expected the same. Like everything else, I got used to the hospital visits. I lost a little bit of Robert each time he came out of the hospital, and, I felt hopeless and helpless every single time. I've cried every day for him and my Mom. Losing both of them within 5 months was just too much for my mind to bear. I've cried more this past year than I've cried my entire life. Believe it or not, I'm crying now as I type. We had no children so there is really no one else. You said that you don't know where you'd be today, if not for the baby. There isn't too much left for me now. All of the routines I had taking care of Robert are gone. Even grocery shopping hurts because I have cut back on so many things. My mind finds it very hard to undo the things I've been doing for so long. Robert had routines that I've had to take over. Everyone tries to compare their experiences but it's just not the same. Forgive me, but I'm not trying to minimize your loss. I see the happiness in the photos and read your comments on the memorial websites so I do understand how deeply you felt for David. Robert is the Love Of My Life. He and I have been together since 1985 and I've taken care of him since his stroke in 1996. I've known one person for so long, that he was all I knew and all I wanted. Robert was my entire world and whenever anything happened to him, it would just kill me. I just couldn't tell anyone at work what was going on because of who we were and because I didn't want to lose my job. There are some significant differences in our lives and the way we handle matters. The ease by which you can celebrate your happiness and marriage and photos and vacations and everything else, is not the same that is afforded to us. Living a double life is extremely difficult. I felt like I had just mountains upon mountains of things inside that I couldn't disclose to anyone and after years of this, it began to take its toll. I learned that I had been depressed for years. Robert had been depressed since his stroke because it took away so much of his abilities and his depression only got worse as the years went by. There was nothing I could do to make him happy or at least see that he was happier.
I've been very reclusive and very emotional for the past few days because of the May 08, 2008 and Mother's Day. I hope this helps you understand my perspective and please understand that I'm not comparing, nor am I minimizing anyone else's loss. They're all different and all complicated. The dedication website I made for Robert and my Mom just touches on some generalities but I tried to balance with the photos and slide shows.

www.harnamjikopler.com

Permalink Reply by Jessica on May 27, 2008 at 10:08am

Tammy and Barry, Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you, especially over Memorial Day. I know holidays can be tough. Take care of yourselves. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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