Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mary Beth on January 12, 2009 at 6:29pm

Why am I feeling so overwhelmed that I have now found total strangers that i feel so strong a connection with when I dont feel that connection with those that are supposed to love me? I am hurting so bad over my loss. I feel so alone. I miss my husband so much. Every day I try so hard to keep going and end up thinking "I'll have to share that with him when I get home, he would love that so much", and then I have to stop and realize that he will not be there when I get home to that quiet and empty house.

Permalink Reply by judy on March 19, 2009 at 11:48pm

Mary Beth this is very hard for me to tell,but I'll try. I loss my husband Oct, 27,2008.he was only 57, John had lung cancer for18 months before he passed. I can't deal with it . There are so many beautiful memories that we had together,John was a wonderful husband and a great stepfather any son could ask for.I still have his voice on the answering machine.There are times that I'll call the just to hear his voice.The night before he passed, We talked about everything and as the night went on into the morning,I knew that it was getting closer to the moment that would change my son's and my life forever.I feel so alone without him, I also spend alot of time with my grandchildren. The evening are the toughest for me.Thankyou for listening to me.

Permalink Reply by einars simons on January 12, 2009 at 7:02pm

I can only share with you where I have been and am after 11 months .Marilyn died in February .A bond exists between strangers whose spouses have died because I think only we know about the pain.I found that other family and friends either did not really care or if they did they did not really know how to comfort you or did not want to attempt to.You are no longer the same person Mary Beth as you were before your husband died and you never will be.I think family and friends may have difficulty in dealing with this.I saw and am still seeing a grievance councellor without whom I am sure I would not have managed anything.I also find this grief journey has to be made only by oneself .This is so difficult.Marilyn was always with me and we did everything together.I read and continue to do so a lot about grieving and my journey.This has helped me to understand more but it certainly has not taken away any pain or allowed me to feel better any sooner.I so feel for you Mary Beth and wish I had a magic wand to take away the pain for all who are on this grief journey.Also for along time I was living in 2 universes.I went to work and coped by putting on an aceptable front and then in my real life I felt so lonely and cried a lot.I guess now a dull ache sort of replaces all the before.May you find solace Mary Beth.I know you eventually will as we all will but our lives ,feelings,values and everything that defines us I think will change as we move on.einars

Permalink Reply by Mary Beth on January 13, 2009 at 8:49pm

Thank you for your posting. I read what I wrote yesterday and feel that I need to apologize - I sounded so whiney! I can completely relate with what you said about living in 2 universes - I go to work and put on my "professional" face and then come home and cry myself to sleep!
Why is it that when people don't know what to say that they still feel the need to say something? I have had some of the most bizarre comments made to me by people that I have to refer back to a dear friend of mine's comment: "you can't be mad at someone because they are stupid".

I am praying for peace for you tomorrow on your beloved Marliyn's birthday - I know that will be hard for you. Thank you for caring enough to reach out to someone else and write and may God bless you with His peace.

It may sound stupid, but a suggestion is to send up helium baloons with messages in them at a site that was important to you both - just a thought.

May God's peace be with you at this sad time.

Permalink Reply by einars simons on January 14, 2009 at 7:08pm

Hi Mary Beth Thank you for your prayers but to no avail.I guess I am supposed to control the peace end of it.Today was not good.I miss Marilyn so much that I guess since the hurricane of grief has not hit me for awhile it did me a triple whammy.But I am not afraid so I ride it out.I know tomorrow will be another day so what comes I am sure I will endure.Grieving sure makes a person stronger but what a lousy way to get stronger.I thought of the helium baloon idea but no time to make it happen.Good thought otherwise.Are people stupid or have they not got out of their mindset.Thanks again for your prayers Mary Beth and you are in my prayers as well.Hope to hear from you again.Einars

Permalink Reply by Mary Beth on January 16, 2009 at 7:39pm

I completely understand, when I have a few "better" days, they seem to be followed by a major hit. Still, even tho I wrote that the holidays were no worse or better than any other days - her birthday was something totally different. That was a day to celebrate her life and I understand how horrible that is - because her life has ended - and it is SO NOT FAIR that she is not here anymore!!! Oh, I completely understand. You are right about the lousy way to get stronger, I have lost a lot of weight and people comment about how slim I am. I just tell them that I do not reccomend my weight loss program- and they just look at me oddly. That's only one type of odd comment I have had made to me. Please let me hear from you that you are still hanging in there. God's strength, love and comfort be with you. Mary Beth

Permalink Reply by einars simons on January 18, 2009 at 8:24am

Still hanging in as you are and others are.Another sad weekend as they and evenings are the worse.I was listening to Leonard Cohen and he has a song there aint no cure for love.I think that is the whole issue.When marilyn was alive I danced with the angels our lives were so fullfilled.Now everything seems a far cry from this previous existence and I definitely do not want to participate sometimes.However Marilyn has left a legacy for me which includes mindful living and a lot of work for charities if I did not honour these commitments I would not be true in my love for her.So Mary Beth thank you again for your kind words and May God help you and give you strength.I hope to hear from you as you journey on.einars

Permalink Reply by judy on January 15, 2009 at 11:27pm

I know how you feel Mary Beth, I lost My husband two months ago, and everyday I seem to just go through the motions of existing. I do have a loving family and friends, but my beautiful life that I shared with my husband no longer exist. It was a beautiful picture that has fallen to pieces. I miss telling him (John) that I love him ,or his warm hugs.Its the small talk I miss. Every day is now a chore for me . I stayed with him right up to the moment that he pasted.We talked about everthing that we have been through together, I have no regrets Only that I want to hear him that one more time. To have that moment again.

Permalink Reply by Mary Beth on January 16, 2009 at 7:52pm

Oh Judy, i am so sorry for your loss. I hope that I don't make you feel worse when I say that I still know (after 7 months) exactly how you are feeling right now. See einars comments above after 11 months. A friend of mine put it this way "I am struggling very hard, every day, working to be okay", and I think that says it all. It is such a struggle - and not a good one. I too shared everything with my husband and was with him in his last hours and minutes - but that doesn't change what I wish my (our) life would be like right now. Please reach out to whomever you can - and you can see that I have chosen to reach out to this site - DO NOT stay alone any more than you need to. ( I know that I am a very private person and it has taken me this long to even find this site.) I hope that you can find someone to talk to - even if it is on this site. Do not be afraid to ask for help. We are all here to help each other - that is what God put us here for. Please let us know how we can best help you. My prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on January 16, 2009 at 10:12pm

Hello everyone
I lost my husband 18 months ago. I didn't think I could go on, I have even though I don't like it one bit. I'm not saying it gets better, but it does get easier. I miss him everyday, but I know he would want me to carry on. That's the only reason I do go on. He was my soul mate and my best friend. Rely on God's strength. That is how I have survived. God bless you all.

Permalink Reply by einars simons on January 18, 2009 at 8:33am

hi Tammy I just wanted to say that you best summed up what I find as well after losing my wife almost 12 months ago.I really balk at the idea that I am supposed to carry on and enjoy.One does carry on but it certainly is not much enjoyment.Yes God does provide strength and so does my love for Marilyn.I grieve as I do because I did love her so.God Bless you and help you on your journey.einars

Permalink Reply by Charles Mathison on January 17, 2009 at 12:37pm

Grief is a difficult process as I too lost a spouse 5 mos. ago. It is a great void in my life as we shared so much over 45 years. I find I must keep busy but at the end of the day is an emotional challenge. The wonderful family memories are cherished and ongoing tributes to my dear wife keep me going. In realigning my life I've become a loyal churchgoer and active in volunteer organizations. It definitely helps being around people as with close family.
Chas

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