Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 23, 2009 at 7:47pm

Christine, Annette’s memorial is beautiful. I’m crying as I type and cried as I read it. You two looked great together. When the tattoo is healed, you need to photograph it and put it on the website. I got my first tattoo when I lost my Mom on Christmas Day, 2006. She had a very simple, small, butterfly on her arm. I didn’t have a picture of it so I did the best to recreate it and embellished it. When I lost Robert, five months later I had the words, “My Life’s Love”, tattooed in Hindi script as well as some other symbols for us. I didn’t need these things to remember either of them but, just like you, I had to get it done. One thing I am grateful for was what you mentioned about the hospitals. I was fortunate that every hospital stay that Robert endured, the entire staff was aware that Robert and I were Life-Partners or together or however they wanted to label it. Christine, your love for Annette was very strong and pure, just like my Love for Robert. My biggest regret was not being able to share Our lives, out of fear that someone would take it away. Half of my soul is gone. I haven’t been the same since.

Christine said:

Barry, the memorial site you made for robert is absolutely beautiful. You have honored him and shown the love you still have for him. He sounds like an amazing man. I made a memorial site for annette but i'm still working on it. Her name is annette mendoza if you want to see it. Her family was always very supportive of us and anyone who knew us knew we were together. But, annette was a victim of a hate crime and was more discreet in public settings and with people she was unsure of. It is sad. I could write pages on this but... I don't have to tell you. She had cirrohsis and spent countless stays in the hospital. We live about 3 hours south of Albuquerque which is where she spent the last three weeks of her life. I would drive up every tuesday and thursday on my days off to be with her, but I needed to work to keep our apartment and pay the bills so I was unable to be with her all the time. The three days prior to her passing, she was unresponsive and in a coma. The doctors, nurses, as well as her family looked to me for all the decisions which I was grateful for... shocked..but grateful. I figured the hospital staff would not acknowledge me because technically.. I wasnt "family". But, they did. They treated me as her wife and I couldnt believe it. I was there when my baby passed away. Words cant describe. She was the one person that I was ever truly in love with, and will always be in love with. Every day that passes is one day closer to being with her. I know they say life is precious.. and I believe it is.. but mine went with her.

BarryWHK said:

Thank you, Christine. I am sorry for loss of Annette. It sounds like you two had a wonderful relationship. Robert and I had a great relationship but we had to endure a very discreet life in order for me to take care of Him, after His stroke, and for us to just live Our lives. There was always the fear that someone, who did not like us just because of who we were, would commit some sort of hate crime against one or both of us. I couldn’t allow anything to happen to Him or me, or my job. Who would have taken care of Robert if something happened to me? There was always that fear since we were living in the bible-belt.
Anyway, I miss Robert so much. The pain I feel does not subside or lessen. I can’t even believe all of the time that has passed. My mind still sees Him as if it were yesterday.


Christine said:

Barry, today is 2 months since I lost my partner and honestly I'm surprised I still have a job! I lost it at work which I try so hard not to do. I'm a bartender in a restaurant and this couple came in which reminded me of me and annette and they were holding hands and one of the women wore her hair like annette did pulled back in a ponytail... and I couldnt stop crying. I am so sorry that you lost robert. I imagine I wont be any better when the two year date comes for me either. This pain is absolutely unbearable.

BarryWHK said:

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything but the twenty-third month since I lost My Robert was on April 8th, 2009. On May 8th, 2009, it will be 2 years. I cannot believe how quickly time has passed.
I have felt so many of the emotions, expressed by so many of you, over the past two years and even more so in the recent past. It may be due to the second anniversary which is approaching but I’m not sure. My grief and depression stays constant but does get worse. Sometimes my emotions go from one extreme to the other and really take a toll on my psyche. Many people I know find it so difficult when I become emotional that they stop talking to me altogether, such as my siblings. I have only a couple friends but they live far from me, so, I’ve really been handling my grief alone. I also decided that I would refrain from becoming emotional around people, so that I don’t frighten them away, and keep my emotional outbursts at home. I love and miss Robert more than life itself. I love and miss my Mom as well. They were the most important persons in my life. My mind continues to try and make sense and continues to ask “Why?” I haven’t found an answer yet.
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler

Permalink Reply by Pauline on April 23, 2009 at 8:10pm

I am so glad I am not the only one still feeling angry and alone this site has been a blessing and probably my sanity space...thank you everyone for being open and sharing yur pain and grief with me.

The next day after my husband died I was hurting so much and even though at the time this sounded selfish I told my children and family that if they dont ever want to go through the pain I was going through not to fall in love...because when your partner is gone it just hurts so much!!!...

It will be 3 months on Monday 27th April my darling left me and I guess I have been coping only because I have a very understanding 24yr old daughter who has been my rock from the minute he left if not for her I would be a mess and probably ready for the looney bin!! She lets me talk on and on but she makes sure I try and handle life with normality by doing things together and I am so grateful to her - my husband was her stepdad but he always had a soft spot for her even though out of our 8 children she was our ratbag!

However for the sake of our 7 year old son I will be as strong as can be and take one day at a time thats all I can do thats all any of us can do ..somedays I feel Ive taken one step forward and 3 back but theres another day around the corner...should the good Lord look upon me and take me to my love I will be so happy but my son needs me as much as I need my husband so I will live my life to the full with my son and our other 7 children until my job here is done!!!


te>BarryWHK said:

Annalise, I could not have expressed this any better. Although it will be the two-year anniversary on May 8th, I still feel exactly the way you do. I can't speak for anyone but unless someone goes through the same thing, they will not understand. Robert is the Love Of My Life and no one could ever make me feel that way. My siblings have stopped speaking to me because they believe I should be over Robert or should move on or however they deal with things should be appropriate for me. They still have family and spouses. Only a couple of true friends continue to talk to me. Thanks for the kind words and signing the guest book too. Did you create a memorial website for your husband? Barry

annalise samuel lapira said:

yes lisa..i know exactly what u mean.
i lost my husband two short months ago...today at lunchtime i met a friend who said...come on..courage...u have to move on now......
i could have lynched him and it was on the tip of my tongue to say.....YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS....he still has his wife and kids ....
the pain is crushing me and i just wish people wud shut up....if one has not been thru it forget it...no use trying to give us words of courage...i know i dont want to hear them.

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 24, 2009 at 12:47am

Barry, thank you for looking at her site. We were together just four and a half short years and she didnt like pictures very much so I am trying to work with what I can find. We were suppose to get pictures of us done again but.. time goes by and you always think you have time. I cried when I saw Robert's site also. I looked and read everything. You did an incredible tribute. I will definately put the tattoo pic on the site. Putting her ashes in it, although controversial, was something that I am very happy that I did. I never really cared what people thought before anyway so this is no different. I put it over my heart and its pretty big. But it came out very nice. Annette had cirrohsis when I met her and something made me say.. ok. We were meant to be together. Although I always hoped for a miracle, I cried often and woke up everyday wondering how much time we will have. In and out of the hospitals, but she always bounced back.. except when she got sick again in November. She just couldnt. When she was given six months to live.. which turned out to be only two weeks, I lost it. I was hysterical constantly. And then I got the call on the way to see her in albuquerque that she was in the process of dying. I just kept saying " baby hold on, wait till I get there". She was in a coma when I arrived and I stayed by her side for three days until she passed away. I just kept taking care of her like I have for 4 years. She was my baby. There was nothing I wouldnt do for her. Our life wasnt perfect. But we both found the love in each other that neither had ever really had and I do believe it was destined. Without going in to great detail.. annette's actions in her life caused her illness. I have many many issues I am trying to deal with. I am madder than hell at her sometimes for this. She thought the sun rose and set on me but I couldnt help her with her problems and it eats away at me everyday. I know she didnt want to die, but it was bigger than she was. Her family has thanked me over and over for what they say I have done for her. They tell me that I made her the happiest she had ever been in her life and if it wasnt for me, they would have lost her 5 years ago. It is comforting to hear. Just like you, taking care of her was never a burden. She was my life.. she still is. And, like you, I understand what you mean about the routines that you establish when caring for your partner, that suddenly change drastically. My whole day revolved around annette. When she left, I didnt know what I was suppose to do anymore. Everything changed. I had to write lists for myself just to remember what to do that day. I still have to sometimes. The grocery store is still a nightmare. Due to her illness I had to shop for her differently and I see everthing that I would get for her and it would send me into a non stop panic attack. Like all of us here, to say " I miss her" is an understatement. My life, my soul, my love, my everything is gone. I miss my best friend.

BarryWHK said:

Christine, Annette’s memorial is beautiful. I’m crying as I type and cried as I read it. You two looked great together. When the tattoo is healed, you need to photograph it and put it on the website. I got my first tattoo when I lost my Mom on Christmas Day, 2006. She had a very simple, small, butterfly on her arm. I didn’t have a picture of it so I did the best to recreate it and embellished it. When I lost Robert, five months later I had the words, “My Life’s Love”, tattooed in Hindi script as well as some other symbols for us. I didn’t need these things to remember either of them but, just like you, I had to get it done. One thing I am grateful for was what you mentioned about the hospitals. I was fortunate that every hospital stay that Robert endured, the entire staff was aware that Robert and I were Life-Partners or together or

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 24, 2009 at 3:23am

<>hi barry....thanks yr reply.
no i have not created a memorial website for my darling yet.
hope to do so soon.....my dad is in hospital now....like after 9 months with mark i need to see more of the place. just cannot believe it!!! mind you i would do it a million times over just to see mark's beautiful smiling face once again.
sorry cannot see for tears...

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 24, 2009 at 9:52am

hi christine
lovely memorial !!!
wish i cud say more but having a very bad day.....not that i have had any good ones since mark passed but some are worse than others

hugz
annalise

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 24, 2009 at 11:28am

I to got a tattoo done after my darling passed away. It was not done with his ashes only do to the fact that he was laid to rest. In my family the yellow rose is the simble for Eternal Love so my tat is just that it is a yellow rose with a banner around it with his and my name in it. I am adding another banner soon to say eternal love on it in german as my husband was from germany. I also have a memorial site for him http://bruno-koob.last-memories.com/index.php if anyone would like to go and see it. I think that these are ways we can honor our loved ones. Through the blankets, the websites, tattoos if you like them, I even have a myspace for him. I think we each and everyone of us are not the crazy ones I think it is the rest of the world. All my love to all of you.

Permalink Reply by kimmer on April 24, 2009 at 3:52pm

Lisa , I just got a new tatto for SImon on saterday by a freind of his .I feel like i Putting him on me forver and so now i cannot ever forget his love for me .I got a Sparrrow because all he wanted to do in life was fly .FLy away to where ever he wanted to be .The sparrow hols his birth flower and our daughters.I have been struggeling th past few days .Its weird how it comes and goes in your life (well it never goes but )I feel like i want everyone to leave me alone and let me be miserable i dont want any help .People dont get it .To them "its been three months"i should be fine or seomthing to them .F*** them is all i feel they dont get it !SOrry for thebluntness and my words but its how if feel these days .

Lisa said:

I to got a tattoo done after my darling passed away. It was not done with his ashes only do to the fact that he was laid to rest. In my family the yellow rose is the simble for Eternal Love so my tat is just that it is a yellow rose with a banner around it with his and my name in it. I am adding another banner soon to say eternal love on it in german as my husband was from germany. I also have a memorial site for him http://bruno-koob.last-memories.com/index.php if anyone would like to go and see it. I think that these are ways we can honor our loved ones. Through the blankets, the websites, tattoos if you like them, I even have a myspace for him. I think we each and everyone of us are not the crazy ones I think it is the rest of the world. All my love to all of you.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on April 24, 2009 at 4:10pm

I could'nt agree with you more. Like I said its not us who are crazy its the rest of the world. This is something that no one can understand until they walk in our shoes.
kimmer said:

Lisa , I just got a new tatto for SImon on saterday by a freind of his .I feel like i Putting him on me forver and so now i cannot ever forget his love for me .I got a Sparrrow because all he wanted to do in life was fly .FLy away to where ever he wanted to be .The sparrow hols his birth flower and our daughters.I have been struggeling th past few days .Its weird how it comes and goes in your life (well it never goes but )I feel like i want everyone to leave me alone and let me be miserable i dont want any help .People dont get it .To them "its been three months"i should be fine or seomthing to them .F*** them is all i feel they dont get it !SOrry for thebluntness and my words but its how if feel these days .

Lisa said:

I to got a tattoo done after my darling passed away. It was not done with his ashes only do to the fact that he was laid to rest. In my family the yellow rose is the simble for Eternal Love so my tat is just that it is a yellow rose with a banner around it with his and my name in it. I am adding another banner soon to say eternal love on it in german as my husband was from germany. I also have a memorial site for him http://bruno-koob.last-memories.com/index.php if anyone would like to go and see it. I think that these are ways we can honor our loved ones. Through the blankets, the websites, tattoos if you like them, I even have a myspace for him. I think we each and everyone of us are not the crazy ones I think it is the rest of the world. All my love to all of you.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 24, 2009 at 4:47pm

Lisa, the memorial website is wonderful. You both look so good and so happy together. I'm glad to know that even though we are all so different, our beloved inspires us so similarly and yet so differently. Please view my beloved's memorial website if you wish.

Barry
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler

Lisa said:

I to got a tattoo done after my darling passed away. It was not done with his ashes only do to the fact that he was laid to rest. In my family the yellow rose is the simble for Eternal Love so my tat is just that it is a yellow rose with a banner around it with his and my name in it. I am adding another banner soon to say eternal love on it in german as my husband was from germany. I also have a memorial site for him http://bruno-koob.last-memories.com/index.php if anyone would like to go and see it. I think that these are ways we can honor our loved ones. Through the blankets, the websites, tattoos if you like them, I even have a myspace for him. I think we each and everyone of us are not the crazy ones I think it is the rest of the world. All my love to all of you.

Permalink Reply by BarryWHK on April 24, 2009 at 5:03pm

Christine, you've expressed so many things that I’ve felt for such a long time. I have so many regrets and so much guilt that I will carry with me until my time on this rock, is up. Just going to the grocery – the knots in my stomach are always there. Many times I just walk out of stores, not buying anything because the pain is so overwhelming. Being together for twenty-two years, we knew so much about each other. The familiarity of the surroundings is enough to stop me – in my tracks and turn around. I have always known that I wanted only one person in my life and Robert was that person: My Love, My Life, and My Soul-Mate – My Everything.

Barry
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/robertwilsonkopler


Christine said:

Barry, thank you for looking at her site. We were together just four and a half short years and she didnt like pictures very much so I am trying to work with what I can find. We were suppose to get pictures of us done again but.. time goes by and you always think you have time. I cried when I saw Robert's site also. I looked and read everything. You did an incredible tribute. I will definately put the tattoo pic on the site. Putting her ashes in it, although controversial, was something that I am very happy that I did. I never really cared what people thought before anyway so this is no different. I put it over my heart and its pretty big. But it came out very nice. Annette had cirrohsis when I met her and something made me say.. ok. We were meant to be together. Although I always hoped for a miracle, I cried often and woke up everyday wondering how much time we will have. In and out of the hospitals, but she always bounced back.. except when she got sick again in November. She just couldnt. When she was given six months to live.. which turned out to be only two weeks, I lost it. I was hysterical constantly. And then I got the call on the way to see her in albuquerque that she was in the process of dying. I just kept saying " baby hold on, wait till I get there". She was in a coma when I arrived and I stayed by her side for three days until she passed away. I just kept taking care of her like I have for 4 years. She was my baby. There was nothing I wouldnt do for her. Our life wasnt perfect. But we both found the love in each other that neither had ever really had and I do believe it was destined. Without going in to great detail.. annette's actions in her life caused her illness. I have many many issues I am trying to deal with. I am madder than hell at her sometimes for this. She thought the sun rose and set on me but I couldnt help her with her problems and it eats away at me everyday. I know she didnt want to die, but it was bigger than she was. Her family has thanked me over and over for what they say I have done for her. They tell me that I made her the happiest she had ever been in her life and if it wasnt for me, they would have lost her 5 years ago. It is comforting to hear. Just like you, taking care of her was never a burden. She was my life.. she still is. And, like you, I understand what you mean about the routines that you establish when caring for your partner, that suddenly change drastically. My whole day revolved around annette. When she left, I didnt know what I was suppose to do anymore. Everything changed. I had to write lists for myself just to remember what to do that day. I still have to sometimes. The grocery store is still a nightmare. Due to her illness I had to shop for her differently and I see everthing that I would get for her and it would send me into a non stop panic attack. Like all of us here, to say " I miss her" is an understatement. My life, my soul, my love, my everything is gone. I miss my best friend.

BarryWHK said:

Christine, Annette’s memorial is beautiful. I’m crying as I type and cried as I read it. You two looked great together. When the tattoo is healed, you need to photograph it and put it on the website. I got my first tattoo when I lost my Mom on Christmas Day, 2006. She had a very simple, small, butterfly on her arm. I didn’t have a picture of it so I did the best to recreate it and embellished it. When I lost Robert, five months later I had the words, “My Life’s Love”, tattooed in Hindi script as well as some other symbols for us. I didn’t need these things to remember either of them but, just like you, I had to get it done. One thing I am grateful for was what you mentioned about the hospitals. I was fortunate that every hospital stay that Robert endured, the entire staff was aware that Robert and I were Life-Partners or together or

Permalink Reply by Hope Randall on April 24, 2009 at 5:10pm

Hello Donna, I've just come upon this cite. I lost my husband in 2006 and we have a wonderful daughter. In many ways I feel the urge to move on and then the depression set in and I began to sink into a state of saddness. We recently as of December purchased a puppy. My way of cheering up my strong daughter and attempting to keep myself living again. I notice that some days I would love for someone to have a decent conversation with particularly a Man yet most would say one day at a time. This communication has always been key and healthy way to connect and yet when we have loss life over shadow us with quiet when we least expected. I hope that in time we can surround ourselves with moments of connections and at this time it seems like the computer has open the window to help eleviate our saddness and allow us to share and help resolve our issues of loss. Take care, Peacefully Hope

Permalink Reply by Christine on April 24, 2009 at 6:17pm

Annalise, thank you so much for seeing her site and commenting on it. It means alot.

annalise samuel lapira said:

hi christine
lovely memorial !!!
wish i cud say more but having a very bad day.....not that i have had any good ones since mark passed but some are worse than others

hugz
annalise

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