annalise, I know exactly how you feel. I have so much anger sometimes I dont know what to do with it. She was in and out of the hospitals for years.. with good and bad times in between. I would have gladly taken care of her forever.. no problem.. but like you said.. it was no life for them.. but still.. why couldnt it have been different.. why why why!!! ( yes, i'm screaming). So many questions.. no answers.. why them.. why us.. how do we do this? I cant take it anymore. The pain is absolutely completely unbearable.
I had to downgrade my cable tv and internet cause I cant afford it anymore, which is fine.. but.. I got the bill today and they changed the billing name from her to me.. and I was upset about it!! She is gone and never coming back.. and I doubt she is going to pay this bill anytime soon, but.. I was mad! Yeah, I have officially lost it.
annalise samuel lapira said:christine,
i thank you for your prayers....i feel so betrayed at times.
i used to pray so much during those 9 months for my precious to get better but God wanted him to Himself i suppose...oh, just dont know at times what to think.
yes..in a flash my life has changed too...do not even have a life any more.
i am just vegetating...hoping that i could be near him right NOW.
ok mark spent 9 months in hospital and it was no life either but somehow i kept hoping that we would get back to some semblance of normality...even if it meant me nursing him for the rest of our lives...i was ready to deal with that.
but DEATH ...no...that was something i was never ready for...well i guess no one ever is ...It is something i cannot come to terms with..EVERYTHING has changed for me.
i used to love shopping for the house and buying clothes for mark and myself..we used to go abroad..with no kids it was not a problem..we could choose to fly at any time of the year..work permitting....
and now ..it is all over and i am so bitter about it.
i guess i should be grateful for the 12 good years we spent together but i am obviously only looking at the suffering i am enduring now.
it is too sharp...the pain leaves me breathless !!!
i wish i could say something to help you all but i am so messed up.
i miss u my precious so so so much !!
I miss Our life. I just want to see Robert sitting in His recliner, watching TV and, even, smoking a cigarette – Yes, My Love, I said, “smoking a cigarette.” I will never understand and this will never make any sense to me, although my mind constantly struggles to comprehend. I don’t know what I want or what to do most of the time. I would give anything just to have Him back but when Robert became disabled in 1996, His whole demeanor changed. He never accepted that He would get better and just gave up. Robert was a very proud and independent individual who never wanted me to fuss over Him so I tried my best not to do it but sometimes I couldn’t help it for the one you love. I know you all know what I mean. It’s not the life I wanted and I’m sure it’s not what He wanted either. I know that Robert didn’t get to accomplish all that He wanted and that is a big part of the hurt I feel as well.
first and foresmost i would like to wish you a happy birthday but i know it jarrs so all i can say is that you are in my thoughts today.
what you wrote is so beautiful and so poignant and so spot on.
my tears just keep flowing.
i am sure your precious love is with you in spirit and looking over you and protecting you.
i am at work...it is 1030 am here but am quite a mess.
you take care
annalise BIG BIG BIG HUG
Its 2 am. Technically, my birthday. I wrote to annette on her memorial but feel the need to write to her here as well, I hope you all don't mind my taking the space.
My beautiful angel and wife annette,
I sit here, depressed, missing you more than words can say. My birthday wish.. to have my wife back. But since that cant happen.. My wish is for you. I wish for you to be happy, healthy, and surrounded by eternal love in God's beautiful kingdom. I wish for you to do all the things your body here on earth no longer allowed. Your spirit and soul was too much for it to contain and now my love, you are free. Free to go wherever you want, and do all the things that you were unable to do here. I miss you baby. I miss your smile, your laugh, your love.. your hugs and kisses, our talks. There is nothing I would'nt give to have my angel back with me. Baby please stay around me as much as you can.. I need you so much. Let me know you are here. You are still the only true love of my life and that will never change honey. My heart and my love went with you. I grieve for myself, but not for you my sweetheart. You have reached the destination. You have suffered for so long and deserve everything that the Lord has in store for you. I light the white candles for you to surround you in love and peace. Be well my love, be happy. I look forward to joining you for eternity when my lessons here are learned and my time comes.
Forever I will be in love with you,