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hi einars
i lost my dearly beloved husband on 17th february 2009 and just feel that i keep getting worse and the pain keeps getting more and more unbearable.
I wish i could sound more positive but some days (like today) are even worse than others. I know that everyone is unique and everyone feels his own pain.
we had no children so i really do feel like i have nothing and no one to live for. i hate saying this as my parents are still alive and i know it wud hurt them immensely if they read this because they adore the ground i walk on but the situation is overwhelming me. Almost three months down the road i would have thought i would have started to feel somewhat stronger but the exact opposite seems to be occurring. i am feeling so desperate !!
I know that you all know the feeling and i am not making things any better so do forgive me but people just do not understand ....unless they have loved the way we have....unless they have lost what we have...
i wish you all a better day then the one i seem to be having...
annalise
Lisa, I also have had about three dreams about annette and she had come back for just a while, only to die again. I realized that the dreams, although all of them were different, have one "theme" in common.. they were all based on the chance to say all the things we needed to say before she died again that we never got to say before she passed in real life. In my dreams, there were symbols that told me she had already died.. like in one, I was holding her ashes and looking at her confused like.. I know you are in here.. how can you be right there ( I think she was working or something). In one, I have my tattoo, which has her ashes in it so I know that she had already died. And she tells me or someone tells me.. Its time.. she is going.. and we get to say all the things we need to before her eyes close again. In one dream she was dying and I was going through tons of mazes to get to her before she went and I was panicking because I couldnt get to her. All of these dreams left me with a weird feeling all day and I couldnt shake the feeling from them. I know it wasnt a "visit" from her because so many of the details in the dreams made no sense at all but they all had the same theme to them.

Lisa said:
I just don't know what to do the last three nights I have had some of the most terrible nightmares to wear I am waking up in a cold sweat and I am afraid to close my eyes again. I have been dreaming that this was all a joke that my husband and family have been playing on me the last 6 months, then in these dreams my husband tells me that he is only back for a little while and he must die again. So night after night I get him back then I watch him die over and over again I am reliving his death in all my dreams. The strange thing is he is not dyeing in my dreams the way he really died. Why is this happening? Why am I dreaming these things? One of my dreams was so real in it I woke up from this nightmare to find him laying next to me I could feel his breath on my face and his hand in mine while he smiled at me and told me that he was sorry for playing this awful joke on me. Then I wake up for real and I am back in the nightmare of everyday life. Please someone tell me what all this means. Am I losing my mind???
i keep hoping to dream of mark but so far have only had two short fragmented dreams..if u can call them dreams.
and he was always so sad when i saw him and that saddened me even more.
someone said that is cos he is seeing how bad i am without him...but what would one expect...had i not loved/love mark they way i did/do i would not be in so much pain.
Our pain is so unbearable because we love beyond compare.
i wish i could have a solid dream where he seems happy and tells me that he is OK...i keep wondering how he is keeping and it kills me not to know.
hi annnalise thank you for your reply Ifeel so much for you as your husband passed away such a short while ago.The worst of it is that one can offer no remedy at all as ive found out that there is no getting better.I live with a constant ache that mentally and physically debilitates me. Marilyn died from lung cancer in her other lung as she had one removed two years previously.Everything just fell apart in two years and I know she is in a better place than suffering here yet I also know she wanted to be with me and likewise rather than being in this better place.We were supposed to grow old and be silly together.As it has been a year and some months I am constantly told by so called loved ones that I have to get on with it and find another love.I get angry because love to me is not some cheap commodity you can just transfer around.I have been blessed by having my eight years with my love but it never was supposed to end so quickly we were so fine together.Annalise I know over time {I hate that word}you will endure as we all seem to but the level we may get to is not particularly nice.It still astounds me that it seems like last year never happened and Marilyn passed on such such a short awhile ago.I dreamt of my soulmate shortly after she died but it was good as she was there beside me smiling,Now I dont dream of her but she is with me constantly especially when I am alone as most of the time.Maybe that is why I have chosen to be alone.Godspeed Annalise and I hope to hear from you again
Graham has been gone 13 weeks 4 days and unlike some of yous I have not been able to have him in my dreams..why?? Does anyone know why I cant dream about him? I just want to see him if only in a dream - be it good or bad..and like everyone else I want to know how he is and if hes okay..
I think he is around me I want to think hes around me..everyone told me that he will always be with me no matter what but I dont know I just talk to his photo to his ashes and I joke with him like the good ol days but I still feel lonely and empty .. can someone help me understand???

Christine said:
Lisa, I also have had about three dreams about annette and she had come back for just a while, only to die again. I realized that the dreams, although all of them were different, have one "theme" in common.. they were all based on the chance to say all the things we needed to say before she died again that we never got to say before she passed in real life. In my dreams, there were symbols that told me she had already died.. like in one, I was holding her ashes and looking at her confused like.. I know you are in here.. how can you be right there ( I think she was working or something). In one, I have my tattoo, which has her ashes in it so I know that she had already died. And she tells me or someone tells me.. Its time.. she is going.. and we get to say all the things we need to before her eyes close again. In one dream she was dying and I was going through tons of mazes to get to her before she went and I was panicking because I couldnt get to her. All of these dreams left me with a weird feeling all day and I couldnt shake the feeling from them. I know it wasnt a "visit" from her because so many of the details in the dreams made no sense at all but they all had the same theme to them.

Lisa said:
I just don't know what to do the last three nights I have had some of the most terrible nightmares to wear I am waking up in a cold sweat and I am afraid to close my eyes again. I have been dreaming that this was all a joke that my husband and family have been playing on me the last 6 months, then in these dreams my husband tells me that he is only back for a little while and he must die again. So night after night I get him back then I watch him die over and over again I am reliving his death in all my dreams. The strange thing is he is not dyeing in my dreams the way he really died. Why is this happening? Why am I dreaming these things? One of my dreams was so real in it I woke up from this nightmare to find him laying next to me I could feel his breath on my face and his hand in mine while he smiled at me and told me that he was sorry for playing this awful joke on me. Then I wake up for real and I am back in the nightmare of everyday life. Please someone tell me what all this means. Am I losing my mind???
hi einars
thanks yr reply...yes, so did i think that mark and i would grow old together.
In a matter of 9 months (Mark's time in hospital) my whole world collapsed.
During his stay there i had a lot of strength, which, i realise i was drawing from him but as soon as he passed away all my energy drained from within me and to date i feel totally helpless. People tell me to get on with my life...they do not know what it means to lose your direction in life...they do not know what it means to feel that you have nothing to live for.....easy for them to talk.
Someone even had the gall to say...Dont worry...Mark will find you another man...
this happened a day after we buried him....i dont know and dont really care what the future holds at the moment and right now the last thing i feel like hearing is that...how can so called 'well wishers' be so callous and insensitive ???
i loved/love mark like nothing on earth and i cannot find any joy any more in this my sorry life....it is an ordeal to plough through each day.
i know it is early days yet.....i hope i will feel a little stronger in the future but at present i am a total mess.
thanks for listening to me...annalise

dear barry
i am thinking of you dearest on this particular day ....
take care of yourself.
love annalise xxx
Barry,
I'm sure that this is probley the last place that you will be today but wanted you to know that I was thinking about you sweetheart and I am praying that you make it through this day with as little as pain possible. Please let us all know how you are holding up.

Einars,
I have'nt had a chance to answer to your posting. Well thats not true our stories are so simalar that it hurt me so bad that I did'nt know what to say. I lost my husband to lung cancer just the 20th of Nov. this last year. 20 days to the date that we found out he had the cancer my heart and soul was ripped out of me. It has been almost 6 months now and I still wait for him to come and walk thru the door with his blue eyes sparkling and his beautiful smile and him to bend down and kiss me and tell me that he loves me. I to am glad that he is no longer in pain but I also just want him here no matter what. I have asked myself many times if his pain was even close to what I am going through now ( I know that is selfish) but in turn I can't help but wonder if he knew what leaving me would do to me.
Anyhow I hope that you will keep coming here it has helped me alot to have everyone to talk to.
Thanks for letting me blow off yet again
Lisa
I dont know whether its the cold weather or just me but lately I have been finding myself just sitting at the computer cryng or emailing friends who have just found out about my darling and crying as I type ..what is wrong with me? please dont tell me Im about to lose it ..I just cant...I dont think I have really had time on my own to grieve and maybe now it is just starting to hit me 13 weeks 5 days later.....why why why?..I dont want to sound selfish but why do we have to go through all this heartache its just so painful I am so hating every minute of today and I dont want to go through too many of these days..Im yelling at my boy (7) and its not even his fault ..oh why my darling did you leave me so soon..so alone..I miss you so much come back to me.................
hii pauline all i can say is that you are being hit by the hurricane of grief.For the first few months aftter Mairlyn died I would be crying and and feeling such pain I also thought I was losing it.You are not as I dont think you could have loved as you did without feeling what you do. I found allowing myself to go with whatever agony and pain there is and was is necessary for any sanity.I read somewhere that grieving is like being hit by this huge tidal wave.You are washed onto shore allowed to rest for a very small while and then back into the ocean before being flung onto the shore again.This grief journey we are on is the most difficult thing we have ever faced and will face but you are very strong Pauline as you still manage somehow to get through another day although as you and all of us are severely handicapped .I now have been on this journey for one year and three months.The hurricane of grief has been replaced by a constant ache for my soulmate.One is no better than the other.Godspeed Pauline please reply einars
Hi Lisa Yes it is good to visit this site as there is nowhere else one can go to feel empathy and understanding which has to be crucial to our sad lives.I many times wonder if Marilyn realized how devastated she would leave me but then she never would if she had a choice.That is the total injustice as we were meant for each other us became our life .I guess one is selfish when our thoughts are of ourselves but then we are left behind .I really have no answers to anything and just know this is all terrible. I havent seen any sunshine for a year and three months.Hope to hear from you again Lisa. einars
Hi annalise I just feel so sad for you as you are only beginning your grief journey and there is nothing good about it.Yes you do learn things about yourself your family and friends not necessarily good things but truths I think.I guess I have become stronger or maybe just more adept at masking true feelings and living in that parallel universe.It does not really matter as I hurt as I never have.I saw a grievance counciller for the last year and did some group counselling as well.All helpful as I could cry and talk about Marilyn for an hour.No one else would listen.After awhile I would notice peoples eyes would glaze over if I brought up Marilyn.My dad passed away last July as well of cancer he was in his eighties but we had become very good friends over the last years.I miss him too.You feel as you do annalise because you dared to love Mark as you did.Although I am in this terrible place I would never not love Mairlyn as I do in exchange for peace now.Godspeed Annalise and hope to hear from you again einars
Pauline, I have been so depressed the last couple of days that nothing seems to matter to me. I have found myself being really angry at alot of things. I want her back. And there is nothing that I can do about it. I often wonder as well if she really knew what her leaving would do to me. I know in my heart that of course she did not want to die and leave me. But two days before she passed I was visiting her in hospital and she says to me. " your ok".. your gonna be ok".. I was like.. Umm.. NO i'm not. and someone came in the room or something and I never got to ask her why she said that. It kind of bothered me and still does. Maybe she knew it was the last time I would talk to her. Maybe she knew she was gonna go.. I dont know. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night literally screaming and crying for the doctors and nurses to stop hurting her.. to stop poking her with needles. I guess I was having a nightmare about her. This pain we are all in is beyond anything we ever thought possible. There are no words for it. I still have not felt her around me at all and that bothers me to no end. I know its probably not true.. but I feel completely abandoned by her. If it was me that had to go and she was left here as devastated as I am.. I would do everything in my power to let her know that I was here with her and still loved her.. But.. I get nothing.. I dont understand.. im trying so so hard to understand. I cant take this pain.. 11 weeks tomorrow.. why why why

Pauline said:
I dont know whether its the cold weather or just me but lately I have been finding myself just sitting at the computer cryng or emailing friends who have just found out about my darling and crying as I type ..what is wrong with me? please dont tell me Im about to lose it ..I just cant...I dont think I have really had time on my own to grieve and maybe now it is just starting to hit me 13 weeks 5 days later.....why why why?..I dont want to sound selfish but why do we have to go through all this heartache its just so painful I am so hating every minute of today and I dont want to go through too many of these days..Im yelling at my boy (7) and its not even his fault ..oh why my darling did you leave me so soon..so alone..I miss you so much come back to me.................

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