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Hello my friends
Well its been a while since I was last on and its been a bit of a hit and miss week with my emotions. Yesterday was our 11th wedding anniversary and it was so hard to cope through the day..I had to work and most of the time I was crying and trying to hide the tears..this emotional upheavel hurts so much ..I made very hard decisions this week..I will be moving back to the North Island in a couple of weeks to be closer to my oldest son and his wife I thought I was coping but undoubtedly I am not..it will also be good for my baby as he is missing his daddys company and a male figre around him and my son is the best I can do for now and probably for a very long time..It has been a decision waiting to be made since Graham passed but I thought I could be strong and stick it out until at least the end of the year but having to work to pay the bills and not having the time or energy for my son is getting on top of me..my son understands and is looking forward to having his little brother until I settle everything here and move up..am I being selfish? My energy levels are low and I am doing a good job at hiding my pain at work but I know myself that I am not putting 100% into my job and I am getting sick and not giving myself time to heal properly so this decision had to be made before I ran myself completely out.. I dont know if I have made the right decision .. I was hoping to get a sign from Graham just to let me know that what I am doing is okay..my kids said that he would understand and would only want me to do what is best for me and our son..I guess I know that too and just holding on for an answer from him...

So on top of all that I started packing today - it hasnt been so bad because I had already done what I had to do with Grahams stuff but just by chance I came across his diabetes meter and I just clicked through it and found that the day he died his sugar levels had gone from 15 down to a dramatic 6 which should have alerted the nurses that something was wrong with him - for some reason or maybe I am just clutching at straws I am angry and someone should have picked this up knowing that a 6 for him was too low and would cause him problems - even tho Im not a qualified medical person as his wife and caregiver even I know a reading that low is a telltale something is wrong..but like I say Im clutching at straws trying to blame someone..my god how that hurt and made me blubber as I saw these readings..someone help me understand how this could happen...sorry gotta go Im starting to cry and cant see through the tears..luv to you all..Pauline
Barry and Einars, I have come to feel that there are no answers. I too often fight the truth and wish it wasn't so and don't understand why but finally I have to accept and do the best I can each day and try to have peace. At times I fight the anger I feel and the sadness and disappointment that he is not with me and that we didn't get to do all those things we planned. Some things I am doing for the both of us as I can. Acceptance has to be the key to finding your way out of this hole at some point. I still have lots of feelings but there are times when I can laugh and remember. Barry there was more joy than pain, wasn't there? You had a love for a lifetime, didn't you? This is what I tell myself anyway. Fondly, Suep
thank you for your posting barry lisa and sue i also know there were more good times than sad but they are gone and so that is sad as well i think my problem is that acceptance of marilyns death means i have to forget her which is just not possible i do things to keep her legacy alive but even that is not that comforting all i know is that after a year and four months everything is just as painful and it is a terrible nightmare that goes on and on sorry for being so down but so it be einars
Einars,
I don't think that just because we go on with life means we have to forget about the ones that we love the most in this life. You will never forget her she was your everything. At the same time I don't think she is happy seeing you this way. I know that Bruno is not happy seeing me this way. His whole purpose in life was to make me happy as I am sure it was the same for you and your wife. There will always be pain I am afraid I just think that we learn how to "live" with it the best we can. I miss Bruno's touch so much I still wish for death at times. There is a reason we were left behind. Maybe it is to make sure that these wonderful people are always remembered. I don't know all I know is that we all need to hold unto the love that we shared with them. Never let go. You will never forget that is a promise from God.

einars simons said:
thank you for your posting barry lisa and sue i also know there were more good times than sad but they are gone and so that is sad as well i think my problem is that acceptance of marilyns death means i have to forget her which is just not possible i do things to keep her legacy alive but even that is not that comforting all i know is that after a year and four months everything is just as painful and it is a terrible nightmare that goes on and on sorry for being so down but so it be einars
thanks lisa for your words they were a good reality check i know marilyn would slap me a few good ones when i get into my states today is better i planted some daisies at her grave her favourite flowers i guess part of the issue is that one lives in a fairly constant state of turmoil where you go from some degree of acceptance to very painful lows but yes as sue said too we did get a chance to experience this unforgettable love although for some unknown reason it was shortlived einars
I know that there have been so many times that I yelled at God and even cursed him for taking my baby away from me. But there are also those times that I thank God and praise him for letting have that kind of love if only for a short time. At least I know how it feels to be loved like that and I know how to love like that now. Something I did'nt know how to do before I met Bruno he showed me how. You are do right my friend when you say it is an unforgettable love. I know that I will always love Bruno and will always remember him and that because he had no family of his own other then two ungrateful sons that I must make sure he is always remembered for the man he was. Do this for your wife to.
einars simons said:
thanks lisa for your words they were a good reality check i know marilyn would slap me a few good ones when i get into my states today is better i planted some daisies at her grave her favourite flowers i guess part of the issue is that one lives in a fairly constant state of turmoil where you go from some degree of acceptance to very painful lows but yes as sue said too we did get a chance to experience this unforgettable love although for some unknown reason it was shortlived einars
Ditto Lisa, I have been so angry and disappointed and just hurt at god for taking Tom. I am reminded of how much we healed together and this was always going to happen for whatever reason but we had it and now we know. I am a much better person for having loved Tom and having been loved by him. Now, I know I am lovable in spite of being this bull headed opinionated women. ") He loved my free spirit and I loved his. We were happy and we challenged each other. We were a team and I still feel that way. I know my life is taking a different road now but I will always feel so blessed that we had this time together. Fondly, suep
sorry i have not been in touch but have been very bad....
cannot say i am getting any better :(

i have been following your posts but not had the energy to post myself.

am thinking of you all

annalise xxxx
annlise, I remember in the early days being so tired and sad there were days I hardly moved at all. It is not bad, but grief. I encourage you to try to eat well, take walks if you can. I found that morning was my worst time and I would put on those shoes and just put one foot in front of the other. I walked past the gradeschool and the kids laughing and playing was nice. My husbands great niece always waved to me when she saw me. (little things) Some days I walked longer than others but it started to help my morning pain and got me motivated to keep going. In the evening I tried to have a movie to look forward to or a project. I don't know but for me I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days I allowed myself to drop out and just survive. This is just so hard to deal with and no one has any real anwers. I wasn't helped by company but my friend wanted people around all the time. I needed to be alone with myself. We are all different but these things helped me to get through the day. I am praying for all of us. suep
When a spouse or partner dies...how are you supposed to move forward? Everyday I am struggling just to get out of bed...we have a 13 yr old son to take care of and two grown girls age 22 and 24, they are my motivation for everything. I wake up every morning with the feeling of dread in my chest just knowing that my Tom isn't going to be here. It will be 3 months on March 16th and although, I know I am doing better than I was at 1 month the dread is still there weighing heavily on my heart. I do like having people around it helps to make the time go faster but, when I am alone all I want to do is just sit and think about Tom...all we had and all we've lost. Basically, my goal is to just get through the day and then the next day and the next. It's kind of like wishing time away just to be back together again.
thanks sue...
i tend to withdraw and not want to be around people although everyone keeps hounding me to go out and have fun..yeah right !!

some days seem much worse than others.
thank God i have my job...it is the only thing that makes me feel a bit useful but i am a travel agent and many a time i have had clients walk in to see my tear-stained face.
life has lost its meaning..nothing makes sense any more
I know exactly what you are saying. It's only been 5 weeks since I lost my beloved husband and already some people are acting like I should be "over it".
They cannot understand that grief is constant and long lasting, and unexpected memories will flash through my mind and bring on overwhelming sadness and tears. I feel like telling them, every time you get ready to speak to your husband or wife from now on, STOP........and tell yourself, oh, I can't.........he or she isn't here anymore. The lonliness is undescribable..........my heart feels like it's been cut out with a knife.

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