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Lisa, I have been thinking the same thing.. Starting last night, on my way home from work at about 11 the crying started in the car and lasted for hours. I cried so hard, like it happened yesterday. I was literally sitting on the kitchen floor ( why i dont know), hysterical.. begging God, the angels, my guides, and annette for help. And at work today.. it started all over again. We got a little busy, but nothing that bad, and I just started hysterical crying. I was like " I cant do this" over and over.. a manager and another bartender jumped in and took over for awhile.
I really dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i'm going backwards lately. I miss her so much. What I wouldnt give to have my life back. All of its craziness.. I would gladly take it all back. I know that I still have alot of anger with her death that I am trying to deal with. Someone at work told me about a counceling service here that is based on your income so I think I am going to go. I need help or medication or something.. I just can't do this anymore alone.

My love and thoughts to everyone
Christine

Lisa said:
Friends,
I don't know what it is that is going on with me. Today has been a very bad day for me and I can't explain why. I have cried so much and missed my darling Bruno it seems like in a exstream pain today all I have done is lay in my bed and cry. Maybe it is because of the dream I had last night and then I was up getting sick all night and I still feel like I am going to be sick. I just don't know what has happen to bring all of this on again so intense as if it were the day he died again and it is not even the anniversary of his death not for a week yet. I feel so helpless and hopeless again. I don't get it why is this happing to me????? I hope that everyone else had a better day then I did. Thank you all for letting me come here and ramble and not make any sense what so ever!!!

Lisa
lisa and christine i know exactly where you are coming from i get these bouts where it seems marilyn only died yesterday our journeys are so long and painful and the worst seems that there are no answers whatsoever only by posting and reading here can one get some solace and lisa you do not ramble einars
Lisa, honestly I believe this is just part of the process of grieving. I had and occasionly still have those days, they are not as intense now but just no real reason to have them and don't know of anything that brought them on.
I have been cleaning out old boxes and pics and have been so tired. I finally realized it was coming from looking at all of our memories and life. I miss him still every day and can't believe at times he is really gone. I still have stress just going to "his garage" for anything. I didn't want to go to the garage the other day for a friend to look at some machine he was interested in and he said, " your problem is you are just not motived". I almost slapped him. I was able to maintain and just said, " you don't know what you are talking about, have the year I have had then give me advice". He was embarrassed and I didn't even care. I simply said, "it bothers me to go to Tom's garage". I know you don't understand. Anyway, there are just days when the emotions are up and down and I think there are sort of depths of reality and some days the deepest reality comes up and you just suffer. You are in my thoughts and prayers Fondly, Suep
Christine, good to have you back. Some days I reflect on the loss and it kills me. I try to find peace but some times it just hurts to remember how much I have lost. suep

All, I have been reading your posts as well but find it difficult to write. I’ve been going through emotional bouts as well. I’ll be angry at Robert, then guilty for being angry because it was not His fault. I’ll start crying when another thought or memory surfaces then become numb for a while. Just about every night I sleep only a few hours because I wake up every hour. Sometimes I just want to be by myself. I even yell at Our dogs for no reason and they look at me like I’m completely insane but I apologize to them after I feel guilty. I often think of Robert as if it was yesterday and I still find it so hard to believe. I recently found some photos that I took of Him shortly after His stroke in 1996 and, of course, the tears began again since I hadn’t seen them in so long. It’s been going on like this for quite some time now. Sometimes I need to look for something but I can’t go into Robert’s room without becoming overwhelmed and begin crying again. I’ll change my mind and walk out as quickly as I can. July 11 would have been Our 24th anniversary and it kills me because I always hoped that We would get to 25 years, at least. I guess that’s been weighing heavy on me as well. It’s so not fair. I only wanted one person to love for my whole life. I don’t think I was asking for too much. I just miss Robert so much. Sorry to ramble on. Barry
hi everyone
sorry i have made myself scarce but seem to be getting progressively worse.
i dont know what is happening to me but my heart seems to be holding more sorrow than ever before...why this is happening i cannot say.
maybe i am realising more and more that i will not be seeing Mark and that just hits home and floors me.

am sorry ..wish i cud have said i was getting better

maybe one day....
Barry, I so understand. I sleep in "our room" and in the same bed. I did get all new comforters and such just to refresh and make it something that I picked just for me but it is so hard at times to always be in "our house". I wouldn't have it any other way also, wierd? suep
annalise, I know what you mean. When the thought really hits.. " for the rest of my life".. its too much for anyones brain and heart to handle. It just makes me think " Dear God, how long is that going to be?" It will be only 4 months on the 21st so I do realize that I am still in the massive stages of grieving. I only had 4 and 1/2 years with her.. I wanted so much more.

annalise samuel lapira said:
hi everyone
sorry i have made myself scarce but seem to be getting progressively worse.
i dont know what is happening to me but my heart seems to be holding more sorrow than ever before...why this is happening i cannot say.
maybe i am realising more and more that i will not be seeing Mark and that just hits home and floors me.

am sorry ..wish i cud have said i was getting better

maybe one day....
Hello my friends

Well my day started off pretty good I am sorry if I sound in high spirits its because today I am even if only after losing my darling nearly 5 months ago..and why am I feeling great..I had a dream..yes a dream. I dreamt about my darling he had just had a tattoo done and he was looking at me and giving me that loving puppy eyed smile that got me everytime..and asking for a jug of tequila and grenadine to kill the pain of the tattoo - but he was smiling at me and laughing and it was so clear - but then I awoke .. but that dream was MY dream ..
I told my daughter abot it and she said hes telling me its okay for me to get that tattoo I have had th urge to do..so I will ..

I am sorry to be feeling good but it does feel good and I m enjoying it while I can..

Thoughts and hugs to everyone
Pauline
Pauline, thats the best news I have heard all day! I am so happy for you! I do believe he was coming to you in your dream. That is incredible. Enjoy it.. it's our little moments now that matter.

Pauline said:
Hello my friends

Well my day started off pretty good I am sorry if I sound in high spirits its because today I am even if only after losing my darling nearly 5 months ago..and why am I feeling great..I had a dream..yes a dream. I dreamt about my darling he had just had a tattoo done and he was looking at me and giving me that loving puppy eyed smile that got me everytime..and asking for a jug of tequila and grenadine to kill the pain of the tattoo - but he was smiling at me and laughing and it was so clear - but then I awoke .. but that dream was MY dream ..
I told my daughter abot it and she said hes telling me its okay for me to get that tattoo I have had th urge to do..so I will ..

I am sorry to be feeling good but it does feel good and I m enjoying it while I can..

Thoughts and hugs to everyone
Pauline
Pauline, I think I got my words wrong.. I was not implying that your dream was a " little moment" I promise!!. What I meant was that our lives and perspectives have changed so drastically that its just so different and you should enjoy this moment as much as you can. I know how HUGE it was to dream of him.. I am impatiently, anxiously, awaiting one from annette.. oh please be soon!

All my best,
Christine

Christine said:
Pauline, thats the best news I have heard all day! I am so happy for you! I do believe he was coming to you in your dream. That is incredible. Enjoy it.. it's our little moments now that matter.

Pauline said:
Hello my friends

Well my day started off pretty good I am sorry if I sound in high spirits its because today I am even if only after losing my darling nearly 5 months ago..and why am I feeling great..I had a dream..yes a dream. I dreamt about my darling he had just had a tattoo done and he was looking at me and giving me that loving puppy eyed smile that got me everytime..and asking for a jug of tequila and grenadine to kill the pain of the tattoo - but he was smiling at me and laughing and it was so clear - but then I awoke .. but that dream was MY dream ..
I told my daughter abot it and she said hes telling me its okay for me to get that tattoo I have had th urge to do..so I will ..

I am sorry to be feeling good but it does feel good and I m enjoying it while I can..

Thoughts and hugs to everyone
Pauline
Pauline, I am so happy for you. I have yet to have a dream and I have hoped for one. What a blessing for you and you should rejoice in the joy and not feel bad for it. I hope everyone here is happy when anyone has a little "break through" because those are a gift. Our 13 year old granddaughter dreams of her Pappaw all the time and she says,"we are just hanging". They are fishing or just riding in the truck together. I love that for her and know it is a gift since he was more her daddy than her paps, as she often called him. I know he would never totally leave that child, she was the daughter he never had and he adored her. He had others but that one was with us so much as her mom was working and going to school. I can still see him warming and testing that bottle and feeding that little tiny sprout early in the morning. He didn't really get to be a father as it was, but he was a great paps. Get that tatoo girl. Fondly, Suep

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