Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 29, 2009 at 8:44am

Steve,
Who ever expects you to "stay strong" are idoits. It does'nt matter that you are a man you love just the same as us women do. I know that I'm sorrys don't help at all so I am not going to say it cause I also know even after 7 months I still hate hearing "I'm Sorry". I hope that you keep coming and shareing with us all. I found that this site has helped me more then any other. Just knowing that I was not alone in my journey helped me allot. There is no light at the end of this tunnel but there is hope that you will find your way around.
You and your step son are in my prayers.

Lisa

Permalink Reply by Ann on June 29, 2009 at 9:20am

Steve, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband almost two years ago to suicide. I can relate to the numbness and pain you are experiencing. It's like an ache in your tummy that will not go away. You have a right to grieve and feel the loss of your wife. I am still going through mine. I will keep you in my prayers. Ann
Steve Cain said:

I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my wife right in my arms in our home on Sunday June 21. We had gotten married August 17th of last year. Now technically she was pronounced dead at the hospital at 11:45, but she really was gone at 10:40, even with all the work I, my stepson, the paramedics at the house and the doctors at the hospital did to try to get her back.
This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. The site has been very helpful this week as I am reading a lot about what can happen during grief and loss. A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, I can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.
I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do! Please feel free to message me because I need a community to share with that understands me and what I am going through.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 29, 2009 at 8:27pm

Ann,
I don't know what to say. Other then you are in my thoughts and prayers. When I saw your story I did'nt even know what to think. I know how devestdated I am from the sudden death of my husband to lung cancer. I can't even begin to know what you must be going through or the nighmares you must have. I am not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to say to you but the fact that you have survived your tragey has given me some hope that I will contuine to survive mine. You have given me hope, Thank you. I hope that this helps in a little way knowing that your story has helped someone. Please keep coming and sharing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


Ann said:

I witnessed my husband's suicide approximately 1-1/2 years ago. We had gone through Katrina, lost everything we had, and he was just physically and mentally worn out. He was a rough tough cop who served the State of Louisiana for many years. But, the cancer had eaten his body up and the loss of his job and our home was too too much for him. He shot himself with his 357 in front of me. I watched the blood spill from his body as well as his last sigh of life leave him. Has anyone out there gone through something like this? Thanks for listening. I was his best friend and he remains mine.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Johansen on June 30, 2009 at 10:15am

Hi. My name is Sandra and my husband of 32 years died on Valentines Day of last year. Valentine's Day......what kind of sick joke is that for crying out loud? A day for lovers and the love of my life was gone. That is just so unfair. About the time I think I am doing better, something happens to smack me in the face again and I am right back where I was 16 months ago. For 10 years I was a caregiver and he was with me 24/7 and now I have an empty house and I am not sure I am going to be able to do this. I am not even sure if I want to. I want to be able to go to sleep with the lights off. I want to be able to close the bedroom doors and the bathroom doors. I want my life back. What I really want is my life back with him and that isn't going to happen. I don't expect to see him on the couch when I come back into the house, so I guess that is some kind of progess.

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 30, 2009 at 11:29am

Sandra,
Oh how awful that must have been. I lost my husband just a week before Thanksgiving this last year. And he was buried the day before my birthday. I know that I don't care to celeabrate holidays at all anymore. I don't care. He was my whole reason for everything. I go through life day by day and wishing and hoping that it will end soon. I hate the days when "couples" are suppose to be together. When those days come around I have to go be a couple in a cemenatary how fair is that? ITS NOT!!! Why us why these days??? I wish I knew. I do know that coming here and sharing and blowing off steam helps some. Like I told a guy here at work I am not getting better I'm learing how to function with the pain.
Your in my prayers
Lisa

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on June 30, 2009 at 12:43pm

Sandra,
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can very much relate to what you are saying. For someone who before I met my dear wife was OK alone, now, I don't do alone well at all. Saying "I don't know if I want to" is, at least to me, a reasonable response given your circumstances. I know I don't have all the answers. If I did, I don't know if I would be in this situation or not, and I'm trying not to beat myself up over stuff. In fact, right now I'm not sure I know what 2+2 is! I will say as people are saying to me, keep posting, here you know you are not alone.


Sandra Johansen said:

Hi. My name is Sandra and my husband of 32 years died on Valentines Day of last year. Valentine's Day......what kind of sick joke is that for crying out loud? A day for lovers and the love of my life was gone. That is just so unfair. About the time I think I am doing better, something happens to smack me in the face again and I am right back where I was 16 months ago. For 10 years I was a caregiver and he was with me 24/7 and now I have an empty house and I am not sure I am going to be able to do this. I am not even sure if I want to. I want to be able to go to sleep with the lights off. I want to be able to close the bedroom doors and the bathroom doors. I want my life back. What I really want is my life back with him and that isn't going to happen. I don't expect to see him on the couch when I come back into the house, so I guess that is some kind of progess.

Permalink Reply by Christine on June 30, 2009 at 2:24pm

Sandra, Its only been a little over four months since I lost Annette so its still pretty new but I know what you mean about wanting your life back. I took care of her when she was sick ( cirrhosis), and was there with her when she passed. As you know, words cannot describe what we feel. Only those that have been through it can really truly understand it. We were together a short four and a half amazing years. Not nearly enough. She was and still is my world. I try so hard to understand. I know that the grieving I do is for me, not for her. We are all going to join them one day. ( not soon enough, i agree). She is in a beautiful place, free of the pain she was in for so long.. and for that, i am grateful.. but.. I want her back.. I want our life back.. I miss her so much. On the outside, I appear to be ok, back to the way I was.. But, for those that really know me.. On the inside, everything has changed, and they can see that. I dont care about anything anymore except for my children and grandchild. ( plus, one on the way, I just found out), I'm only 44, two grandchildren!!
I try to be ok only for my kids, one is 21 and on her own, but my son is only 11. They are the only reason I am still here, sad to say. I long for the day that I am with her again, but at the same time, I need and want to be here for my kids. So, I keep waking up everyday. ( not always happy about it), but I do. I dont cry like i used to but every once in awhile I break down like it just happened yesterday. But the pain never leaves. Its exhausting. Every moment of every day, we all go through this. My thoughts are with everyone.

Christine

Sandra Johansen said:

Hi. My name is Sandra and my husband of 32 years died on Valentines Day of last year. Valentine's Day......what kind of sick joke is that for crying out loud? A day for lovers and the love of my life was gone. That is just so unfair. About the time I think I am doing better, something happens to smack me in the face again and I am right back where I was 16 months ago. For 10 years I was a caregiver and he was with me 24/7 and now I have an empty house and I am not sure I am going to be able to do this. I am not even sure if I want to. I want to be able to go to sleep with the lights off. I want to be able to close the bedroom doors and the bathroom doors. I want my life back. What I really want is my life back with him and that isn't going to happen. I don't expect to see him on the couch when I come back into the house, so I guess that is some kind of progess.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on June 30, 2009 at 11:31pm

Now tonight my stepson and his girlfriend have decided to move to Kansas where his grandpa, who abused his mom when she was young, and some of the other family live. He has told him there is a job for him and school. However, I remember my sister-in-law moving down there to work for him. Within months she had left the job due to his inability to deal with his other staff members attitudes toward her. Although they talk now and she still lives out there, I know there is still some hard feelings there. He has said he will help financially toward the expenses of the house, but I still feel like I've been kicked in the gut twice in just two weeks.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Johansen on July 1, 2009 at 3:24pm

Lisa said:

Sandra,
Oh how awful that must have been. I lost my husband just a week before Thanksgiving this last year. And he was buried the day before my birthday. I know that I don't care to celeabrate holidays at all anymore. I don't care. He was my whole reason for everything. I go through life day by day and wishing and hoping that it will end soon. I hate the days when "couples" are suppose to be together. When those days come around I have to go be a couple in a cemenatary how fair is that? ITS NOT!!! Why us why these days??? I wish I knew. I do know that coming here and sharing and blowing off steam helps some. Like I told a guy here at work I am not getting better I'm learing how to function with the pain.
Your in my prayers
Lisa

I know how you feel, Lisa. For the longest time I couldn't bear to see couples our age out at the mall or where ever. I just wanted to go up to them, shake them and ask them if they realized how lucky they were to have each other still and that it could be taken from them in an instant. That should be me and Roy. We should still be together. I am not dumb and I realize that our age difference and the fact that women outlive men would probably mean that he would die before me. But this took us completely by surprise and we had no time to prepare for it. Feb, 2 he went into the hospital with what we thought was some dehydration and Feb.14 he was gone. We weren't even able to wrap our heads around the fact that he had cancer again. He had been 10 years cancer free and I guess I thought we were home free. I wish holidays didn't exist either. If it was up to me they wouldn't.

Permalink Reply by Laurie Garman on July 1, 2009 at 10:44pm

On June 3, I lost my boyfriend of 9 years. I found him on the couch at his home that morning when he didn't return my morning phone call. It was traumatic at best. Since we weren't married, I got no funeral leave from work, and although his family has always treated me good, they somehow think my grieving is not as deep as theirs. I feel like a widow. He isn't going to call me anymore, or have dinners with me. I have no interest in anything. Everything in my world seems so trivial, and to be honest, I really don't care about much of anything. My house could fall down around me, and I wouldn't care.
Contemplated suicide several times, so I could be with him. But, think this is the "unforgivable sin" mentioned in the bible. So that's out. I go to work to make money to live, but don't care about living...I'm just super messed up right now. Any suggestions?

Permalink Reply by Laurie Garman on July 1, 2009 at 10:57pm

Steve,

I went thru a similar experience. I found my boyfriend of 9 years unconcious on the couch in his home. I had to break thru a window to get in. He wasn't breathing and I started CPR on him, he was still warm, and I was doing my best to focus on getting him back! The paramedics showed up in about 3 minutes and he had to be taken to the hospital as well, but I knew he was gone before they ever took him out of the house. It's so raw still and hard, and it's been almost a month. Friends act like I should be all better now. But, they go home to their husbands and wives, and significant others, and I wander around town in my vehicle for 3 or 4 hours wasting time because there is no one here for me.
I say, go ahead and cry, punch something, or scream if you want to. My new hangout is the cemetery where he is, and I talk to him, and sometimes just sit and listen. Hoping to hear his voice. My prayers for you.

Ann said:

Steve, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband almost two years ago to suicide. I can relate to the numbness and pain you are experiencing. It's like an ache in your tummy that will not go away. You have a right to grieve and feel the loss of your wife. I am still going through mine. I will keep you in my prayers. Ann
Steve Cain said:

I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my wife right in my arms in our home on Sunday June 21. We had gotten married August 17th of last year. Now technically she was pronounced dead at the hospital at 11:45, but she really was gone at 10:40, even with all the work I, my stepson, the paramedics at the house and the doctors at the hospital did to try to get her back.
This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. The site has been very helpful this week as I am reading a lot about what can happen during grief and loss. A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, I can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.
I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do! Please feel free to message me because I need a community to share with that understands me and what I am going through.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on July 1, 2009 at 11:13pm

Thank you for all the replies. Just knowing there is someone on the other end who is still dealing with it makes me feel a little less alone. Tomorrow is going to be rough as I pick up her ashes from the funeral home and bring her home. All Kris wanted most of all in this world to be able to be home with her husband. She will be, but not in the way either of us expected or wanted it.

Laurie Garman said:

Steve,

I went thru a similar experience. I found my boyfriend of 9 years unconcious on the couch in his home. I had to break thru a window to get in. He wasn't breathing and I started CPR on him, he was still warm, and I was doing my best to focus on getting him back! The paramedics showed up in about 3 minutes and he had to be taken to the hospital as well, but I knew he was gone before they ever took him out of the house. It's so raw still and hard, and it's been almost a month. Friends act like I should be all better now. But, they go home to their husbands and wives, and significant others, and I wander around town in my vehicle for 3 or 4 hours wasting time because there is no one here for me.
I say, go ahead and cry, punch something, or scream if you want to. My new hangout is the cemetery where he is, and I talk to him, and sometimes just sit and listen. Hoping to hear his voice. My prayers for you.

Ann said:

Steve, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband almost two years ago to suicide. I can relate to the numbness and pain you are experiencing. It's like an ache in your tummy that will not go away. You have a right to grieve and feel the loss of your wife. I am still going through mine. I will keep you in my prayers. Ann
Steve Cain said:

I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my wife right in my arms in our home on Sunday June 21. We had gotten married August 17th of last year. Now technically she was pronounced dead at the hospital at 11:45, but she really was gone at 10:40, even with all the work I, my stepson, the paramedics at the house and the doctors at the hospital did to try to get her back.
This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. The site has been very helpful this week as I am reading a lot about what can happen during grief and loss. A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, I can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.
I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do! Please feel free to message me because I need a community to share with that understands me and what I am going through.

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