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Steve, My thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Annette passed away in Albuquerque, and we live three hours south. Her brother went with me. It was so unreal when we got there that I dont think I cried very much. She rode home.. on my lap.. and all I could think of was that this was so wrong. It wasnt suppose to be this way. We had too much to do.. she was only 39.. and what do I do now. Today for some reason has been hard. Its been almost four and a half months that she had been gone and not a minute goes by that she is not in my head. Every now and then it hits me harder.. the realization that she is really gone.. not just in the hospital. I miss her so much. Still havent moved any of her things.. they are all right where she left them when she went to her dr. appt in albuquerque, February 2nd, 2009 and never came home.

Steve Cain said:
Thank you for all the replies. Just knowing there is someone on the other end who is still dealing with it makes me feel a little less alone. Tomorrow is going to be rough as I pick up her ashes from the funeral home and bring her home. All Kris wanted most of all in this world to be able to be home with her husband. She will be, but not in the way either of us expected or wanted it.

Laurie Garman said:
Steve,

I went thru a similar experience. I found my boyfriend of 9 years unconcious on the couch in his home. I had to break thru a window to get in. He wasn't breathing and I started CPR on him, he was still warm, and I was doing my best to focus on getting him back! The paramedics showed up in about 3 minutes and he had to be taken to the hospital as well, but I knew he was gone before they ever took him out of the house. It's so raw still and hard, and it's been almost a month. Friends act like I should be all better now. But, they go home to their husbands and wives, and significant others, and I wander around town in my vehicle for 3 or 4 hours wasting time because there is no one here for me.
I say, go ahead and cry, punch something, or scream if you want to. My new hangout is the cemetery where he is, and I talk to him, and sometimes just sit and listen. Hoping to hear his voice. My prayers for you.

Ann said:
Steve, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband almost two years ago to suicide. I can relate to the numbness and pain you are experiencing. It's like an ache in your tummy that will not go away. You have a right to grieve and feel the loss of your wife. I am still going through mine. I will keep you in my prayers. Ann
Steve Cain said:
I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my wife right in my arms in our home on Sunday June 21. We had gotten married August 17th of last year. Now technically she was pronounced dead at the hospital at 11:45, but she really was gone at 10:40, even with all the work I, my stepson, the paramedics at the house and the doctors at the hospital did to try to get her back.
This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. The site has been very helpful this week as I am reading a lot about what can happen during grief and loss. A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, I can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.
I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do! Please feel free to message me because I need a community to share with that understands me and what I am going through.
Today has been a VERY hard day. Our church picnic was canceled because of the rain, I'm figuring that fireworks will be canceled as well and I can't seem to get ANYONE to return my calls. I'm lost, lonely and VERY vulnerable and I don't know what to do!

Christine said:
Steve, My thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Annette passed away in Albuquerque, and we live three hours south. Her brother went with me. It was so unreal when we got there that I dont think I cried very much. She rode home.. on my lap.. and all I could think of was that this was so wrong. It wasnt suppose to be this way. We had too much to do.. she was only 39.. and what do I do now. Today for some reason has been hard. Its been almost four and a half months that she had been gone and not a minute goes by that she is not in my head. Every now and then it hits me harder.. the realization that she is really gone.. not just in the hospital. I miss her so much. Still havent moved any of her things.. they are all right where she left them when she went to her dr. appt in albuquerque, February 2nd, 2009 and never came home.

Steve Cain said:
Thank you for all the replies. Just knowing there is someone on the other end who is still dealing with it makes me feel a little less alone. Tomorrow is going to be rough as I pick up her ashes from the funeral home and bring her home. All Kris wanted most of all in this world to be able to be home with her husband. She will be, but not in the way either of us expected or wanted it.

Laurie Garman said:
Steve,

I went thru a similar experience. I found my boyfriend of 9 years unconcious on the couch in his home. I had to break thru a window to get in. He wasn't breathing and I started CPR on him, he was still warm, and I was doing my best to focus on getting him back! The paramedics showed up in about 3 minutes and he had to be taken to the hospital as well, but I knew he was gone before they ever took him out of the house. It's so raw still and hard, and it's been almost a month. Friends act like I should be all better now. But, they go home to their husbands and wives, and significant others, and I wander around town in my vehicle for 3 or 4 hours wasting time because there is no one here for me.
I say, go ahead and cry, punch something, or scream if you want to. My new hangout is the cemetery where he is, and I talk to him, and sometimes just sit and listen. Hoping to hear his voice. My prayers for you.

Ann said:
Steve, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband almost two years ago to suicide. I can relate to the numbness and pain you are experiencing. It's like an ache in your tummy that will not go away. You have a right to grieve and feel the loss of your wife. I am still going through mine. I will keep you in my prayers. Ann
Steve Cain said:
I am the new kid on the block NO ONE wants to be on. I lost my wife right in my arms in our home on Sunday June 21. We had gotten married August 17th of last year. Now technically she was pronounced dead at the hospital at 11:45, but she really was gone at 10:40, even with all the work I, my stepson, the paramedics at the house and the doctors at the hospital did to try to get her back.
This week has been an unreal amount of emotion for me as there were times I was on auto pilot and in shock, there were times when I would think of or hear something and just start bawling. The site has been very helpful this week as I am reading a lot about what can happen during grief and loss. A lot of times I hear or read people say, especially to a guy that suffers a loss "stay strong" almost like sadness is not allowed for a man. If I can feel love, I can feel sadness and pain and cry like I was two again.
I hope any man who is in my position will be allowed to feel because we do! Please feel free to message me because I need a community to share with that understands me and what I am going through.
Hello to all my precious friends and to many new ones who have joined while I have been away. I have settled into my new home with my daughter and son and loving being in the same town as my eldest son and new daughterinlaw and 2 gorgeous loving granddaughters. My son (7) has settled into his new school and loving it, I have started partime work only 2 nights a week but thats enough for me. I went out last week and got a cabinet to put my husbands ashes in but I will get a better one he doesnt look as comfortable in this cabinet as our last cabinet but hes safe for now.

it feels good being here by the beachside and I picture my husband sitting on our deck and soaking up the sun or even sitting on the beach fishing - he so would have loved it here.....

It will be 6 months on the 27th of this month since I lost my darling to illness - a day doesnt go by I dont miss him terribly - it may sound I have gotten on with my life I guess in a way I have but its only for my sons sake that I had to pull my head out of the sand and do something positive and so far it feels right - his behaviour has changed and my health is getting a little better. Please dont get me wrong everything I have done in the last 4 weeks has been hard but now I have moved to a new place and a new start Im feeling okay about it and I know Graham would have wanted me to be doing what makes me feel okay..the good thing about it is I still have him here with me no matter what I do..he always trusted my judgement because I was the stronger one of us and always saw our way out and followed through....

To the new ones on this page please keep coming back - in my first few weeks this page was my solace and it was a place where you could come and air out yor feelings and not be judged or told how to feel or what to feel..please dont be frightened to write down what you feel it does help..dont feel a burden..its the best outlet I ever had and there is always someone here to talkt to you..

I know what you are going through and not a day goes by I wish I could turn back the clock if only for one day..just to say all those things you forgot to say or just to hold my darling one more time and tell him how much i love him.

i lost Graham on January 27th this year - he was a very sick man with everything but cancer - he was given quality time but his death in January took us by surprise as that same day he was talking about coming home in a couple of days from hospital but unfortunately it didnt happen...my husbands funeral was on February 2nd and his 51st birthday was Feb 6th then it was my birthday March 19th and just last month it was our 11th wedding anniversary even though we had been together 16 years ... I am so agoing to hate the new years for a while..next feb 2nd is my daughters 21st so you can imagine what a mess i will be next year but it will be a celebration .. when we made the funeral arrangements the funeral director asked my daughter if she was okay picking this day for the funeral and she felt chuffed to be sharing this day with her poppa!!!

Emotionally losing one you love so much it is very draining .. its hard to walk down the street and see couples hand in hand and even harder when you see older couples so happy and enjoying each other!! It took ages for me to get over it I guess Im still not but I do get jealous but its not their faults I just hope that they all realise what they have..the pain of not having the one you love in your life anymore is so unbearable but unfortunately for us its a choice we couldnt make we all survivie in our own ways some of us easier than others and some of us take a little longer but what is time when you are alone and have no one to share it with..please everyone look after yourselves and take care

Thoughts and prayers to everyone xxxxxx Pauline
Well the fireworks did happen. I recorded some thoughts as I was walking around the park where the viewing area was in which I talked about how I felt like a 5th wheel, even at a public event where many people were at. All around me I saw husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children and long time friends and here I was, all alone, not by choice. I will admit the fireworks, which are done to music, were excellent. I sat pretending I was holding her hand as I had for the previous couple of years. At least one of my phone calls did get returned which helped. I encourage you that if any of your friends are in your position, if they call you when you are not there to get the original call, please call them back. A lot of times the person is feeling alone, lost and particularly vulnerable and you could help save them from making a potentially horrible mistake out of grief that they will regret later.
Steve Cain said:
Well the fireworks did happen. I recorded some thoughts as I was walking around the park where the viewing area was in which I talked about how I felt like a 5th wheel, even at a public event where many people were at. All around me I saw husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children and long time friends and here I was, all alone, not by choice. I will admit the fireworks, which are done to music, were excellent. I sat pretending I was holding her hand as I had for the previous couple of years. At least one of my phone calls did get returned which helped. I encourage you that if any of your friends are in your position, if they call you when you are not there to get the original call, please call them back. A lot of times the person is feeling alone, lost and particularly vulnerable and you could help save them from making a potentially horrible mistake out of grief that they will regret later.
Donna Perrin said:
Steve Cain said:
Well the fireworks did happen. I recorded some thoughts as I was walking around the park where the viewing area was in which I talked about how I felt like a 5th wheel, even at a public event where many people were at. All around me I saw husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children and long time friends and here I was, all alone, not by choice. I will admit the fireworks, which are done to music, were excellent. I sat pretending I was holding her hand as I had for the previous couple of years. At least one of my phone calls did get returned which helped. I encourage you that if any of your friends are in your position, if they call you when you are not there to get the original call, please call them back. A lot of times the person is feeling alone, lost and particularly vulnerable and you could help save them from making a potentially horrible mistake out of grief that they will regret later.
Donna Perrin said:
Donna Perrin said:
Steve Cain said:
Well the fireworks did happen. I recorded some thoughts as I was walking around the park where the viewing area was in which I talked about how I felt like a 5th wheel, even at a public event where many people were at. All around me I saw husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children and long time friends and here I was, all alone, not by choice. I will admit the fireworks, which are done to music, were excellent. I sat pretending I was holding her hand as I had for the previous couple of years. At least one of my phone calls did get returned which helped. I encourage you that if any of your friends are in your position, if they call you when you are not there to get the original call, please call them back. A lot of times the person is feeling alone, lost and particularly vulnerable and you could help save them from making a potentially horrible mistake out of grief that they will regret later.
Donna Perrin said:
Donna Perrin said:
Donna Perrin said:
Steve Cain said:
Well the fireworks did happen. I recorded some thoughts as I was walking around the park where the viewing area was in which I talked about how I felt like a 5th wheel, even at a public event where many people were at. All around me I saw husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, parents and children and long time friends and here I was, all alone, not by choice. I will admit the fireworks, which are done to music, were excellent. I sat pretending I was holding her hand as I had for the previous couple of years. At least one of my phone calls did get returned which helped. I encourage you that if any of your friends are in your position, if they call you when you are not there to get the original call, please call them back. A lot of times the person is feeling alone, lost and particularly vulnerable and you could help save them from making a potentially horrible mistake out of grief that they will regret later.
Pauline, I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you got settled in your new home closer to your children. It sounds like your going in the right direction. I'm so glad that your son is adjusting better and enjoying his new school. My son is still on summer vacation until the middle of august, so we try to find things to do in this small town. Money still very tight, so its hard to entertain him all day! I have my moments when it seems unbearable, but, like you, I have to be ok for my son.
Keep in touch with us here and let us know how you are doing

Love,
Christine
Pauline said:
Hello to all my precious friends and to many new ones who have joined while I have been away. I have settled into my new home with my daughter and son and loving being in the same town as my eldest son and new daughterinlaw and 2 gorgeous loving granddaughters. My son (7) has settled into his new school and loving it, I have started partime work only 2 nights a week but thats enough for me. I went out last week and got a cabinet to put my husbands ashes in but I will get a better one he doesnt look as comfortable in this cabinet as our last cabinet but hes safe for now.

it feels good being here by the beachside and I picture my husband sitting on our deck and soaking up the sun or even sitting on the beach fishing - he so would have loved it here.....

It will be 6 months on the 27th of this month since I lost my darling to illness - a day doesnt go by I dont miss him terribly - it may sound I have gotten on with my life I guess in a way I have but its only for my sons sake that I had to pull my head out of the sand and do something positive and so far it feels right - his behaviour has changed and my health is getting a little better. Please dont get me wrong everything I have done in the last 4 weeks has been hard but now I have moved to a new place and a new start Im feeling okay about it and I know Graham would have wanted me to be doing what makes me feel okay..the good thing about it is I still have him here with me no matter what I do..he always trusted my judgement because I was the stronger one of us and always saw our way out and followed through....

To the new ones on this page please keep coming back - in my first few weeks this page was my solace and it was a place where you could come and air out yor feelings and not be judged or told how to feel or what to feel..please dont be frightened to write down what you feel it does help..dont feel a burden..its the best outlet I ever had and there is always someone here to talkt to you..

I know what you are going through and not a day goes by I wish I could turn back the clock if only for one day..just to say all those things you forgot to say or just to hold my darling one more time and tell him how much i love him.

i lost Graham on January 27th this year - he was a very sick man with everything but cancer - he was given quality time but his death in January took us by surprise as that same day he was talking about coming home in a couple of days from hospital but unfortunately it didnt happen...my husbands funeral was on February 2nd and his 51st birthday was Feb 6th then it was my birthday March 19th and just last month it was our 11th wedding anniversary even though we had been together 16 years ... I am so agoing to hate the new years for a while..next feb 2nd is my daughters 21st so you can imagine what a mess i will be next year but it will be a celebration .. when we made the funeral arrangements the funeral director asked my daughter if she was okay picking this day for the funeral and she felt chuffed to be sharing this day with her poppa!!!

Emotionally losing one you love so much it is very draining .. its hard to walk down the street and see couples hand in hand and even harder when you see older couples so happy and enjoying each other!! It took ages for me to get over it I guess Im still not but I do get jealous but its not their faults I just hope that they all realise what they have..the pain of not having the one you love in your life anymore is so unbearable but unfortunately for us its a choice we couldnt make we all survivie in our own ways some of us easier than others and some of us take a little longer but what is time when you are alone and have no one to share it with..please everyone look after yourselves and take care

Thoughts and prayers to everyone xxxxxx Pauline
hello Christine

Thank you for dropping in on me..yep I guess I am heading in the right direction but Im still on one day at a time and one foot in front of the other....I had a week moment today the family went down to the beach for the morning so I was left potting around the house - I decided to play my tribute dvd my daughter made for me since I was on my own .. I hadnt played it for a few weeks and just the music and the photos of my darling just set the tears flowing - funny thing they were really lonely tears - missing Graham and bringing back our good happy times - the realism of how much he was suffering has made me realise that he is in a better place - dont get me wrong if I could have him back in a flash I would have him - our wedding vows were in sickness and in health and no matter how strong our love was I couldnt stop him from leaving me...moreso being taken away from me.
Graham made me the person I am today and he would be proud of the way I have coped without him - the decision making is always the hardest especially when we made them always together...
Christine, do you feel like the time is moving so fast that someone is trying to take away what we have and does it feel so scary that youre almost terrified that you might forget your loved one!! It does sound corny but thats how I feel at times even though a day doesnt go by without my darling in my heart and thoughts. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Pauline
Pauline, that sounds truly lovely and I am so proud for you that you are taking those steps to find your life. It is so hard and one is to be encouraged by what you are doing. I too am a March baby.
I am doing okay, no foster children yet but the process is getting there. I am painting and doing some things to the house. It feels good but also strange because these were decisions we always made together. It bothers me some with someone else doing the work he once did and not as well. I can just hear him when I pick some of the colors etc. He did learn to trust my sense of color. I miss him. I still enjoy being alone alot. I go and then come home. It still feels like he is here and that is still where I want to be it seems.
Take care all. Suep
Pauline, It does feel like its been so long since she has been gone and at the same time, it feels like it just happened so I understand what you mean. No one has her on video or anything with her voice except for her voice mail on her phone, which I continue to pay for the phone line for that reason even though I cant afford it any longer but I am so scared of not having her voice somewhere. `
I too understand that she is no longer suffering and is a much better place. Watching her suffer the way she did for so long always tore me up. I remember the last day or two in the hospital before she went. She was in a coma when I got to albuquerque and remained that way till her passing. I would help the nurses when they had to change her bedding due to the massive amount of fluid she was retaining and when they rolled her over on her side I was there by her face talking her through it.. The pain she was in was so great that it caused her to open her eyes and scream and cry in pain for them to stop cause it hurt. She couldnt see me, her eyes would not focus but I kept telling her " focus on me honey, listen to my voice, they are almost done".. and then I would move to the other side and we would do it all again. I remember one of those times, I left the room, crying hysterical.. somehow made it out of the hospital.. looked up and said, " God, if your going to take her.. do it now.. please.. she cant go through this anymore". The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to tell her it was time for her to go. Her cousin hugged me and thanked me.. I said, " for what", and she said, " for letting her go".. I said " she is my baby, there is nothing I wont do for her".
So, to get to my point.. I am extremely grateful that she is no longer hurting. Like you, there is nothing I wouldnt give to have her back, but, honestly, it is not in our hands. It was their life, not ours, we just had the priviledge to be in it for awhile.. Its still so hard, I am still so angry, but at the same time, I do believe in a plan for us all.. I do believe we chart our course before coming here and this was hers and I have to respect that. But, oh how I miss her. Nothing in my life is the same. I kind of started to cook again. That was hard, cried several times when I would cook something that I know she would enjoy. I'm still in our apartment, I like being here even though I thought I never would be able to live here after she was gone. It brings me comfort somehow. Her things are still right where she left them. I did manage to put most of her hard cover books in boxes in the closet because they were scattered around and I didnt want them to get ruined. But thats all I have done and I'm ok with that.
I do know, without a doubt that annette and I were destined to be together. The things that we both went through with each other could not have been anything less than fate. We gave each other so much that neither of us had found before.
With everything that I have gone through in my life ( this of course being the hardest), everyone has always told me through my life how strong I am, and I never believed it. Maybe they are right and I just dont see it. I know I will make it through this, I have to for my children and grandchildren. I dont always want to thats for sure, but, I do. I hope she never leaves me, I want her around me always, forever. And I look forward to seeing her again, but, I still take it day by day. It still hurts like hell.
Ok, well i guess I have rambled on enough! Thanks for listening. Take care,

Christine
Pauline said:
hello Christine

Thank you for dropping in on me..yep I guess I am heading in the right direction but Im still on one day at a time and one foot in front of the other....I had a week moment today the family went down to the beach for the morning so I was left potting around the house - I decided to play my tribute dvd my daughter made for me since I was on my own .. I hadnt played it for a few weeks and just the music and the photos of my darling just set the tears flowing - funny thing they were really lonely tears - missing Graham and bringing back our good happy times - the realism of how much he was suffering has made me realise that he is in a better place - dont get me wrong if I could have him back in a flash I would have him - our wedding vows were in sickness and in health and no matter how strong our love was I couldnt stop him from leaving me...moreso being taken away from me.
Graham made me the person I am today and he would be proud of the way I have coped without him - the decision making is always the hardest especially when we made them always together...
Christine, do you feel like the time is moving so fast that someone is trying to take away what we have and does it feel so scary that youre almost terrified that you might forget your loved one!! It does sound corny but thats how I feel at times even though a day doesnt go by without my darling in my heart and thoughts. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Pauline

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