Views: 7804

Replies to This Discussion

I have been married previously, a total of 34 years of my adult life has been spent married to someone else. About 8 years ago, my previous marriage met its demise. After caring for his mother for nearly a year, my ex-husband took all our retirement funds and calmly walked out of my life. I grieved for the loss of my relationship but I grieved more for the unbelievable lack of regard he demonstrated for our relationship as well as myself. Well, about a year later, a friend introduced me to Jimmy (see the website James "Smilin Jim" Gardner -- he is my one true love.

Jim and I dated for several years then he asked me to marry him. Having been a bachelor all his life, the thought of marriage scared him to death; he could not marry me then so marriage was never mentioned again. We continued to date for several more years during which time I continued to understand, love and appreciate him more deeply than I ever dreamed possible.

On January 24, 2009, Jim and I were married. We began our married life happily making arrangements to sell my home and merge our two households. Once I had done this, our plan was to integrate our belongings, paint and clean and have a big party with friends and family when the weather got warmer and announce our marriage. We had scheduled the big event for August 29, 2009.

On July 13, 2009 my whole world stopped turning. I had just filled his garage with all my furnishings the day before. Jimmy, a professional hobbyest and tinkerer, had just completed building a motorized bicycle. He took his bicycle on its maiden voyage while I returned the rental truck. As I rounded the corner toward my new home - - there, laying on the side of the road, was my Jimmy. He had been struck by a motorcyclist and thrown some 30 feet from where his bike landed. He suffered a broken leg and severe trauma to his chest and head. Jimmy never regained consciousness and died less than 3 hours later. We were married less than 6 months. Now, the nuptial celebration scheduled later this month has been changed to a memorial service.

Some of our friends have been very supportive; others have become invisible and still others try to console me by suggesting that ours was a marriage of convenience because of our respective ages and moving forward should be simple enough. More people whom I had not met prior to Jim's passing have demonstrated more compassion, empathy and support thant those whom I have known for many years. I am unsure how to respond to these people; I have used more of my energy to "comfort" others' grief at this news than I have with my own grief. I find myself wanting to become as invisible as some of our friends have become.
Thasia:

I can understand that this is traumatic to you. Do you have a friend whom you can ask to inquire into this on your behalf? It seems very strange that a sister could order the removal of a body without the spouse's consent. This is a time to ask your friends for help.

Paul Bennett

www.lovinggrief.com


Thasia said:
I just don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. My husband passed away April 27th, 2009 and today I am informed by his sister that she is having his body moved. I can not find any answers, this is just so wrong on so many levels. I don't know how much more I can handle.
Dear Bryce,

You know, sometimes people think they need to say something, think it's urgent that they say something, and the oddest things come out. Other people don't know what they should do or say, and they hate that helpless feeling, so they stay away. "Become invisible," as you eloquently put it.

Can you just accept that they said what they said and did what they did, and forgive them if you feel there's something that needs to be forgiven? I do believe you will be more at peace without putting energy into figuring out their words or their behavior. It sounds like some people are being helpful, saying and doing the right things. That is, really, all you need. If we needed all our friends to be perfect, we'd be in real trouble.

Maybe you can help by asking your friends for what you need. So many people are eager to do something if they know what's wanted.


Paul Bennett

www.lovinggrief.com

Bryce said:
I have been married previously, a total of 34 years of my adult life has been spent married to someone else. About 8 years ago, my previous marriage met its demise. After caring for his mother for nearly a year, my ex-husband took all our retirement funds and calmly walked out of my life. I grieved for the loss of my relationship but I grieved more for the unbelievable lack of regard he demonstrated for our relationship as well as myself. Well, about a year later, a friend introduced me to Jimmy (see the website James "Smilin Jim" Gardner -- he is my one true love.

Jim and I dated for several years then he asked me to marry him. Having been a bachelor all his life, the thought of marriage scared him to death; he could not marry me then so marriage was never mentioned again. We continued to date for several more years during which time I continued to understand, love and appreciate him more deeply than I ever dreamed possible.

On January 24, 2009, Jim and I were married. We began our married life happily making arrangements to sell my home and merge our two households. Once I had done this, our plan was to integrate our belongings, paint and clean and have a big party with friends and family when the weather got warmer and announce our marriage. We had scheduled the big event for August 29, 2009.

On July 13, 2009 my whole world stopped turning. I had just filled his garage with all my furnishings the day before. Jimmy, a professional hobbyest and tinkerer, had just completed building a motorized bicycle. He took his bicycle on its maiden voyage while I returned the rental truck. As I rounded the corner toward my new home - - there, laying on the side of the road, was my Jimmy. He had been struck by a motorcyclist and thrown some 30 feet from where his bike landed. He suffered a broken leg and severe trauma to his chest and head. Jimmy never regained consciousness and died less than 3 hours later. We were married less than 6 months. Now, the nuptial celebration scheduled later this month has been changed to a memorial service.

Some of our friends have been very supportive; others have become invisible and still others try to console me by suggesting that ours was a marriage of convenience because of our respective ages and moving forward should be simple enough. More people whom I had not met prior to Jim's passing have demonstrated more compassion, empathy and support thant those whom I have known for many years. I am unsure how to respond to these people; I have used more of my energy to "comfort" others' grief at this news than I have with my own grief. I find myself wanting to become as invisible as some of our friends have become.
Unfortunately when I fell head over heals in love with my husband he lived in another state and I moved to be with him. I have not been able to find a support system around where I live. I am reaching out to a support group but as far as a true friend I don't have one down here.

I just feel so defeated.

Paul Bennett said:
Thasia:

I can understand that this is traumatic to you. Do you have a friend whom you can ask to inquire into this on your behalf? It seems very strange that a sister could order the removal of a body without the spouse's consent. This is a time to ask your friends for help.

Paul Bennett

www.lovinggrief.com


Thasia said:
I just don't know what to do, I feel so helpless. My husband passed away April 27th, 2009 and today I am informed by his sister that she is having his body moved. I can not find any answers, this is just so wrong on so many levels. I don't know how much more I can handle.
Dear Mitchell,

You know what's normal? ... to wonder if your grief is normal. My life since Bonnie died almost eight years ago has been very different from yours, and yep, we're both normal.

You say you "never really grieved," but I hear a man grieving. Did you have some image of what "really grieving" is? If so, could you let go of that and allow yourself simply to feel everything you feel for your wife? I also hear you doing something I do, too: second-guessing the way I cared for Bonnie and what I said to her. Did she know you loved her? I can't believe that that wasn't very clear to her.

I think that the really important memorial to your wife is you. You are where the love that she inspired lives on. Is there a better memorial any of us can have?


Paul Bennett

www.lovinggrief.com




Mitchell Ball said:
I lost my wife almost 2 years ago. And I guess I am still grieving for her quietly. I knew she was sick and she said she knew she was dying but I did want to hear it. She was sick with systemic lupus caused by breast implants. I never really grieved but went to see a psychiatrist and prescribed anti depressants and anti anxiety medications. We had some talk therapy but I needed to go back to work as a respiratory therapist. My wife eventually died of a respiratory condition that she had to go on a ventilator. That is my field. Very hard to bear. I think about her and still can not believe I will never see her again in the physical presence just in the spiritual presence when I die. Tears come to my eyes as I am writing this. I made a virtual memorial for her. I do not know where her ashes are. I could not handle the cremation part and my step son and his aunts paid for that and I was not invited. I have asked my step son several weeks ago and have not gotten an answer where her ashes were spread. I know it does not matter but if would be nice to know. You see my step son is controlled by his wife and really has no say. My sister in-laws I have no contact with, they wrote evil letters to me after my wife's passing. They are dead to me! Are there other men out there whom are still grieving 2 years later. Is this normal? Please help me understand.
I am going to need everyone's support this week. Tomorrow would have been our first wedding anniversary and on Friday it will be two months since I lost my Kris. It also didn't help that last week our oldest dog also passed away. We got a card from the vet yesterday that included a poem called Rainbow Bridge that just really hit me. If you are on my Facebook, you can read it there. All I could think about was that Sammie (our dog) and Kris are together and I am not there with them. It hurts so much. All I can think of is reuniting with them in Eternity. The tears have been flowing a lot in the last day or so.
You will be in my prayers.

Steve Cain said:
I am going to need everyone's support this week. Tomorrow would have been our first wedding anniversary and on Friday it will be two months since I lost my Kris. It also didn't help that last week our oldest dog also passed away. We got a card from the vet yesterday that included a poem called Rainbow Bridge that just really hit me. If you are on my Facebook, you can read it there. All I could think about was that Sammie (our dog) and Kris are together and I am not there with them. It hurts so much. All I can think of is reuniting with them in Eternity. The tears have been flowing a lot in the last day or so.

Annalise, I know that today is the sixth month of your loss of Mark.
Lisa, the 20th will be nine months for your loss of Bruno.
Christine, the 21st will be six months for your loss of Annette.
This is a very trying time but I wanted to let you all know that I do think of you although I find it difficult to write sometimes. I visit the memorial websites you’ve created as well. I don’t have any wonderful words of encouragement but I do appreciate the kind words from all of you. It shows me that there are some caring individuals out there. Thank you. Barry
Barry, thank you so much. I was thinking about annalise today as well. I hope she is ok. I'm going through a million emotions lately. Mostly it seems to be anger. And disbelief.. and so many more that everyone can relate to. I read the posts frequently and check robert's site also but I also sometimes cant write but think of everyone often.

Christine
BarryWHK said:

Annalise, I know that today is the sixth month of your loss of Mark.
Lisa, the 20th will be nine months for your loss of Bruno.
Christine, the 21st will be six months for your loss of Annette.
This is a very trying time but I wanted to let you all know that I do think of you although I find it difficult to write sometimes. I visit the memorial websites you’ve created as well. I don’t have any wonderful words of encouragement but I do appreciate the kind words from all of you. It shows me that there are some caring individuals out there. Thank you. Barry
Barry,
Thank you so much my dear. I think of all of you often as well but like everyone else I am finding it harder and harder to come here and write. I visit Roberts site often and look at the pictures there and wonder if everyone else sees what I see and that was two people who love each other very very much. I miss Bruno so so much and broke down last week while at the gravesite I yelled I screamed I cried I pounded my fist into the dirt that covered my beloved. I don't have any words of wisdom for you or anyone and I feel so helpless. I feel as if you guys here have become family and wish so much that I could take away all of our pain. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers. And know that I am only a post away if you ever need someone to just listen. I know how much that can mean. It must be hard for you my dear not having anyone to turn to. I hope that someday God will have mercy on us all and let us get through these times. We will never forget and we will never stop loving them, but sooner or later is there has to be hope. There has to be answers there has to be more. I can't wait to rejoin my Bruno in the eternites. I hope that you know that Robert is waiting for you in a place that there is nothing but love and acceptance.

All my love

Christine said:
Barry, thank you so much. I was thinking about annalise today as well. I hope she is ok. I'm going through a million emotions lately. Mostly it seems to be anger. And disbelief.. and so many more that everyone can relate to. I read the posts frequently and check robert's site also but I also sometimes cant write but think of everyone often.

Christine
BarryWHK said:

Annalise, I know that today is the sixth month of your loss of Mark.
Lisa, the 20th will be nine months for your loss of Bruno.
Christine, the 21st will be six months for your loss of Annette.
This is a very trying time but I wanted to let you all know that I do think of you although I find it difficult to write sometimes. I visit the memorial websites you’ve created as well. I don’t have any wonderful words of encouragement but I do appreciate the kind words from all of you. It shows me that there are some caring individuals out there. Thank you. Barry
I know it's been a while since I or a lot of us have been on here so I just wanted to let you know where I was at.
Our local hospice has a great fellow whom I meet with every 2 weeks and talking to him just seems to help at many times. Our maid of honor and I have also spent a lot of time talking and consoling each other.The problem gets to be for her at times is because she works at night she sleeps during the day and yesterday she was in such a deep sleep she never heard the phone ring, which really got to me. All I did was read the "Single Parent's Prayer" that Kris put up many years ago in the bathroom (she raised her son for 20 years and did not date until I came along) and it started me out. I spent quite a bit of the afternnon and evening in a depression because my friend was so out of it she never heard the phone ring. I know I probably should have posted on here but I didn't think, I wasn't functioning properly. JUst keep me held up as I do for you all. Have a good, or at least fuctional, day.
Steve & Kris (Forever in my heart)
My husband of almost 20 years died on April 29, I was at home when I got a call saying he had collapsed on the softball field and they were bringing him to the ER. When I got to the ER I was brought to the back with our daughter to an empty room and I thought he was in surgery or something. I still hear them in my mind telling me there was was nothing they could do. I remember my sister coming and the next couple weeks were a blur. The night before he died we were talking about our daughters high school gradation. May 13 would have been 20 years. Then in June my daughter graduated. If was a good but sad day. Then his birthday & my birthday were in July. My daughter started college at the end of August. I am so proud of her and I am glad she is trying to follow her dreams.

However tonight I sit here again and I feel so alone even though I do have family near here. I know they care and are supportive but I feel so alone. They ask how they can help but no one can bring him back. No one can make the pain stop. I really wish we had died together or I had died first so I would not be dealing with this. I love my daughter and I know if anything happened to her I could not take it. I am trying to stay positive for her but I am so over whelmed at times. Being busy at times helps - other times it doesn't.

There are times I wish I could go back and maybe something could have been different that day and he would still be here but I can't. This isn't a dream it really happened and it isn't fair.

He had had kidney cancer and he had hepatitis C from a blood transfusion. He had tied an experimental treatment but the virus came back. I knew in my mind that when the virus got worse he could die or if the cancer came back, however I knew I would have time to say good bye. I was not able to say goodbye or prepare myself. However I am not sure if that I would have handled it any better if I had time to prepare. How do you prepare to lose someone you have loved for almost half your life?

i keep thinking I am too young to be a widow. We never did a few things we had wanted to do together. Some things were put off until our daughter finished college. I don't think I can even try to afford them.

How do you make the pain go away? How do you stop crying? When do you feel like you aren't falling apart? How do you say goodbye to the person you love when they aren't there anymore and they should be? What if I am not strong enough to handle this? How am I suppose to live without him? How was this fair?

I never imagined my life without him. It's like part of me is missing and no one really understands how lost I feel. There are times I am so tired of crying.

RSS

Latest Conversations

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2019   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service