Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 3, 2010 at 4:35pm

I know where you are coming from! I am so sorry that you now have to walk this path. After having your husband by your side for 28 years it is really like you are one being and to lose 1/2 of who you are is devastating. Please know that there are so many here that feel your pain and will walk with you on your journey. I am 10 1/2 months into this new life. Those first few weeks are still fresh in my mind. Please take care of yourself, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
Hang on tight to all the memories the two of you ever made; they will carry you forward.

Wishing you comfort and peace to get through your days,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

ghall26 said:

On Jan. 22, 2010 I lost my husband of 28 yrs!!
OMG!! It's soooooooooooo HARD!!
we would talk and e-mail everyday--so the last 10 days have been sooooo hard!!

Permalink Reply by ghall26 on February 3, 2010 at 5:27pm

I know-----I sooooooo wish I had went with my love!!
I just can't see how I'll live without him!!

Marlena said:

I know where you are coming from! I am so sorry that you now have to walk this path. After having your husband by your side for 28 years it is really like you are one being and to lose 1/2 of who you are is devastating. Please know that there are so many here that feel your pain and will walk with you on your journey. I am 10 1/2 months into this new life. Those first few weeks are still fresh in my mind. Please take care of yourself, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
Hang on tight to all the memories the two of you ever made; they will carry you forward.

Wishing you comfort and peace to get through your days,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

ghall26 said:

On Jan. 22, 2010 I lost my husband of 28 yrs!!
OMG!! It's soooooooooooo HARD!!
we would talk and e-mail everyday--so the last 10 days have been sooooo hard!!

Permalink Reply by Marlena on February 3, 2010 at 10:17pm

The thought of wanting to be with him is very normal. It still plagues me to this day, although not quite as often. It's all about baby steps right now. One moment at a time is all you need to worry about. I hope you have family and friends that can rally around you and hold you up. It will help to be around people. Do everything you can to honor him and keep his memory alive. The more you talk about and share your husband, the better it is for you (at least for me it is very cathartic to talk about Tom with everyone). It helps sometimes to write. You can write here, create a whole profile page that tells the story of the two of you, or make a memorial website, or maybe just keep a journal for yourself. The reality seems to take a long time to settle in. There are many days I still do not want to face my new reality. Allow yourself time to grieve any way you need to.

Please know that I am thinking of you.

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever


ghall26 said:

I know-----I sooooooo wish I had went with my love!!
I just can't see how I'll live without him!!

Marlena said:

I know where you are coming from! I am so sorry that you now have to walk this path. After having your husband by your side for 28 years it is really like you are one being and to lose 1/2 of who you are is devastating. Please know that there are so many here that feel your pain and will walk with you on your journey. I am 10 1/2 months into this new life. Those first few weeks are still fresh in my mind. Please take care of yourself, one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
Hang on tight to all the memories the two of you ever made; they will carry you forward.

Wishing you comfort and peace to get through your days,

Marlena (and Tom)
Always and Forever

ghall26 said:

On Jan. 22, 2010 I lost my husband of 28 yrs!!
OMG!! It's soooooooooooo HARD!!
we would talk and e-mail everyday--so the last 10 days have been sooooo hard!!

Permalink Reply by Janie on February 5, 2010 at 5:44pm

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He told always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him.

Permalink Reply by Angi9349 on February 5, 2010 at 6:06pm

I'm so very sorry for your loss Janie. Losing someone so close to us always makes us pick through every detail of our relationship and see all the things that we took for granted. I look back and realize my husband adored me, and as you said worshiped me. I miss him terribly even though I'm coming up on the 5 year anniversary of his death. I look back and see so many times that I would pick a fight or get angry and now realize how trivial those things were. I cannot even begin to tell you that i understand how you're feeling, nobody can tell you that. I can tell you, however, that you have to keep your faith. My faith is what brought me through losing my husband. In fact, I found more faith during that time than I'd ever known. I have no doubt that without God I would not have made it. He picked me up and carried me through my ordeal. You will find yourself asking "what if" about a lot of things...you can't do that as you'll drive yourself batty. Maybe there's a reason he didn't get a chance to tell you what he wanted to talk to you about. Maybe he just wanted to tell you how much he loved you and cared for you and he will always be yours. That's just something that you will never know and shouldn't dwell on the things that weren't said. Remember the happy times with your significant other. The happy memories are what will keep you sane throughout this ordeal, knowing that he was once a wonderful part of your life. The saying "It was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is so true, and losing someone like you/we have will make you a firm believer in that sentence. I wish you luck and I am a great listener if ever you need to talk. :)

God Bless!

Janie said:

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He told always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him.

Permalink Reply by Chris B on February 5, 2010 at 9:16pm

This is the first Friday night I've spent alone since my husband died suddenly on January 19. My family has gone home and it's just me and the dogs.

Normally on Fridays we would watch a movie together on the couch, but tonight I can't find a movie that doesn't remind me of him. I'm wishing it were later so I could go to sleep and lose myself in unconsciousness - but if I go to bed now I'll be up at 3 and the morning without him, and that's even worse. I don't feel like going out and I don't want to stay home... all I want is to have him back and I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I can't have that.

He would have been 48 in May. I turned 39 two days after his funeral, and I never want to see flowers on my birthday again. This isn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't the future we had planned. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him, and I keep wishing I could fast forward my life to the time when everyone tells me "it won't hurt as much" because I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Permalink Reply by Angi9349 on February 6, 2010 at 7:43am

Chris,

When my husband died I found myself trying to be around people as much as I possibly could. That would at least make the pain a little more tolerable knowing that when I went home I would be alone. My husband wouldn't be there. There were days when I would not come home until wee hours of the morning (and I don't drink so it wasn't from out partying all night) and be so tired that I'd shower and instantly fall into bed. Too tired to think, too tired to move, too tired to grieve. I'd wake up in the morning and do it all over again. Five years later I can tell you that was the wrong thing for me to do as that has only avoided grieving my husband's death.

I'm sure, eventually, it will get better. I can't tell you how to grieve nor can anyone tell you. Noone can tell you "it won't hurt as much" because I'm living proof that the years that go by are still the same for me. I believe it's on a person to person basis how we deal with the hand we're given. I completely kept myself so busy that I didn't have TIME to grieve, but I'm wishing I would've stayed home and done just that. Unfortunately, my situation was a bit different as we were living on land that his mother owned so I was served an eviction notice on the day of my husband's funeral and I also worked for her and lost my job when I was in the hospital with him. I didn't have time to sit and grieve properly like most people do.

Just do what you can to make it through the first part of this, it IS the hardest because you just cannot comprehend that he's gone. Keep in touch with your family because my family are the ones that really helped me through my loss.

Chris B said:

This is the first Friday night I've spent alone since my husband died suddenly on January 19. My family has gone home and it's just me and the dogs.

Normally on Fridays we would watch a movie together on the couch, but tonight I can't find a movie that doesn't remind me of him. I'm wishing it were later so I could go to sleep and lose myself in unconsciousness - but if I go to bed now I'll be up at 3 and the morning without him, and that's even worse. I don't feel like going out and I don't want to stay home... all I want is to have him back and I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I can't have that.

He would have been 48 in May. I turned 39 two days after his funeral, and I never want to see flowers on my birthday again. This isn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't the future we had planned. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him, and I keep wishing I could fast forward my life to the time when everyone tells me "it won't hurt as much" because I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Permalink Reply by Penni Helms on February 15, 2010 at 8:51pm

HI! I lost my precious husband on June 28, 08. My heart feels like I am loosing it... we were married 22 years, he was the most kind, loving, compassionate, caring man I know. I am disabled and live in severe pain everyday, and he always loved/cared and helped me through so much! He had diabetes for over 10 years and his sugar was VERY uncontrolled. Walt went to the hospital, b/c he was very sick, tired, and just was not himself, they told us he had a massive heart attack, called a WIDOW maker, what a name huh?? The heart doctor is looking at me talking to me telling how sick walt is
and i am like what? is this a dream? they told me they took him UP to HEART ICU,
after his catherazation on his heart, and he had all main arteries blocked, praying he
would get strength a very better, his heart was only beating 17 percent, I KNEW GOD COULD DO ANYTHING. walt a stroke b/c of his heart and a blood clot go to his brain, they tried to remove it, but, he had a tear in somewhere in his brain, and another stroke, so they had to put a breathing tube in him, on Saturday the 28th of June,
I had to make the decision to remove it, after NO HOPE. but, in JESUS... and he passed away in 4 minutes.
Now i live ... well, i live one day at a time, I truly Believe in Jesus, and I believe he is w/me.. but, I need FRIENDSHIP, of someone who understands, encouragement, I have no money. my heart is breaking, ((( tears ))). i feel I cannot make or take much MORE. everyone even my grown kids have there lives. and i feel I fit in NO WHERE. Hope to talk sometime!!!
I dont mean to sound depressing, Its just my heart is breaking, and I feel I am gonna crumble....

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on February 15, 2010 at 10:24pm

Penni,
My heart goes out to you on this. As a Christian, I also trust Jesus but I also know that human companionship is very necessary. My first advice is to contact your local hospice group. They have many support groups and trained counselors that can help. Second, if you have a good church home, make sure you reach out to them and let them know your needs. No one can respond if they don't know you need help, no matter what kind. Finally, do not hesitate to reach out to your family, we all have lives, but each one of your family has been touched and affected by this, by reaching out to them, you give them a chance to grieve with you which can help bring you all closer. Please keep in touch.

Permalink Reply by JULIA on February 15, 2010 at 10:43pm

Tammy and Barry i am so sorry for both your losses. I too lost my husband on October 27, 2009. I always pictures us growing old together. An now i am left with 5 children at age 26 to raise on my own. His life was taken so suddenly and he had so much life to him still to share. My heart goes out to you both but if you have any advice on how i can cope with my loss please please feel free to let me know.. i still do not know who to deal with all this.. it's just so hard to cry in front of my kids...

Permalink Reply by Angi9349 on February 16, 2010 at 7:19am

Julia...I have to tell you that being so young and being a widow is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. I am very sorry for your loss and I'd like to tell you that it's easy, but I can't. I cannot understand how you feel having lost your spouse and have children to raise, as my husband and I didn't have children. The best advice I can give is let God guide you in this journey. Be as strong as you ultimately can for your children, and find someone that allows you to talk to them and express your feelings b/c that'll be the turning point. Keeping it all bottled inside is not healthy and while there may be a lot of people that just don't understand what you're going through, there's got to be someone that you can talk to that can at least give you comfort in knowing you have someone to listen to you when you need a shoulder. If you ever need an email buddy, I'm a great listener and I have been through what you're going through and I know how important it is to have someone to talk to. You can send me a private messasge here and I can give you my email if you'd like.

JULIA said:

Tammy and Barry i am so sorry for both your losses. I too lost my husband on October 27, 2009. I always pictures us growing old together. An now i am left with 5 children at age 26 to raise on my own. His life was taken so suddenly and he had so much life to him still to share. My heart goes out to you both but if you have any advice on how i can cope with my loss please please feel free to let me know.. i still do not know who to deal with all this.. it's just so hard to cry in front of my kids...

Permalink Reply by T.C. Goodwin on February 16, 2010 at 3:51pm

Facing Up to the Loss of a spouse
1) crying is normal (Genesis 23:2)
2) seek the support of relatives and friends
3) put in writing the good things that you remember about your mate and the moments you shared...make an album
4) adhere to customary schedule and activities
5)avoid making hasty decisions
6)seek the help of a friend/relative in taking care of any paperwork
7)avoid romantic or sexual-oriented movies,books,and music
*) above all Pray to God for endurance

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