Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jeanette Kilpatrick on April 16, 2010 at 3:45pm

Jeanette Kilpatrick said:

Dee said:

Hi Terri,
I think whatever time you need, you should take. I am a stay at home mom and I am so glad now that I don't work outside of my home because I have some days that I wake up weepy, so to have to face people would be hard. I grocery shopped this morning and someone came to me to ask about Bud (my husband that passed 5 weeks ago) I went to my truck and cried my eyes out. This is still so new. If you want to chat my e-mail is momgoingback@aol.com

Terri said:

I am not sure I am posting this right so please excuse me if I did it wrong. I lost my husband (44yrs old) on Feb 8th of this year to a massive heart attack at work. He had not been sick or showed any signs that there was a problem. Our anniversary was Feb 19th and it would have been ten years. He was so excited about it because we were going away for the weekend. I hope I can find some answers and comfort here or least have ppl who understand what I am going through. I have a question . When did you go back to work after losing your spouse? Like I said I lost my husband the morning of Feb 8th of this year. The first week is a blur and this last week has been taking care of so much paper work. I am wanting to take this next week off and go back to work March 1st which is not this Monday but the next. Everyone is telling me I should go back to work. I do work for a CPA firm and right now is our busy season with taxes due and all of the year end reports plus just the regular day to day things our due. I know my boss is swamped and he hasn't told me to come back to work or anything I just know he is in a bind. I want to know taking another week off is asking to much? We are a very very small company infact it is just me and my boss and his wife when she is needed. I just lost my heart and the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with but am I being selfish? Is asking to have 3 weeks off asking to much? I know it will help me keep busy and all but I still have a lot of things to do here at the house and I still have a hard time not breaking down at a drop of a hat. Can anyone enlighten me on what I should do? Any reply would greatly appreciated it. Thank you Terri

Permalink Reply by alexis on April 30, 2010 at 11:13pm

There is a time to weep and there is a time to heal. King Solomon brought this out at Ecclesiastes 3:3,4. The scripture says "A time to kill and a time to heal, a time to break down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to wail and a time to skip about" . So basically you need to find the right balance between preserving the memory of your loved one and caring for your present needs. A first step to doing this is by expressing your feelings.By opening up to others your able to get back on your regular routine progressively; maybe even setting new goals. There is also a scripture at Revelation 21:4 it says " And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry, nor pain be anymore the former things have passed away." So there will be a time when there will be no more death and you can see your husband and your mother again one day in a ressurection.

Permalink Reply by Paul Bennett on May 25, 2010 at 1:44pm

Dear Janie,

One thing about grief is that it never comes "straight." It comes mixed with other emotions like fear, regret, resentment, loneliness; and to that list you've added this kind of frustrated curiosity about what was on your ex-husband's mind the day before he died.

I wonder if it will help you to notice that all the people we love are mysteries to us: as much as we may come to know about them, they are living their own lives every moment, and they can share with us just a tiny fragment of what they experience. Can you hold the viewpoint that everything you learned about this man who loved you is a gift to you? Every experience you had together, including that last conversation, is a moment that you are able to re-create in your memory and treasure in your heart. From 23 years of loving my Bonnie, I'm left with the gift of being able to remember this beautiful human being as no one else on earth can. (Bonnie's daughter is left with her own image and memories of Bonnie, different from mine and every bit as precious.) And those memories are not something external to ourselves -- they are, quite literally, written in the wiring of our brains. You have been changed, physically, emotionally, spiritually, by this loving man whom you still love. That's your gift, and it comes wrapped in sorrow. Such gifts, though, last much longer than their wrapping.

By the way, it's not uncommon that you are feeling worse at six months than before -- I think that it's just your heart allowing you to feel more now, because somewhere in us is a wisdom that knows when we are able to feel our love and our loss more fully. Grief changes, if we let it. We grow through grief, if we let ourselves grow.

Paul Bennett
www.lovinggrief.com

Janie said:

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him. It has almost been six months now, but I think it is getting harder not easier to deal with him being gone. I love him so much and I don't know what to do without him.

Permalink Reply by Craig Cody on May 25, 2010 at 2:09pm

BarryWHK said:

Tammy, I visited your Sunshine's site on Legacy and understand your loss.
I didn't expect Robert to ever leave because almost every other year he would be in and out of the hospital with some complication, so, after a decade of this, I expected the same. Like everything else, I got used to the hospital visits. I lost a little bit of Robert each time he came out of the hospital, and, I felt hopeless and helpless every single time. I've cried every day for him and my Mom. Losing both of them within 5 months was just too much for my mind to bear. I've cried more this past year than I've cried my entire life. Believe it or not, I'm crying now as I type. We had no children so there is really no one else. You said that you don't know where you'd be today, if not for the baby. There isn't too much left for me now. All of the routines I had taking care of Robert are gone. Even grocery shopping hurts because I have cut back on so many things. My mind finds it very hard to undo the things I've been doing for so long. Robert had routines that I've had to take over. Everyone tries to compare their experiences but it's just not the same. Forgive me, but I'm not trying to minimize your loss. I see the happiness in the photos and read your comments on the memorial websites so I do understand how deeply you felt for David. Robert is the Love Of My Life. He and I have been together since 1985 and I've taken care of him since his stroke in 1996. I've known one person for so long, that he was all I knew and all I wanted. Robert was my entire world and whenever anything happened to him, it would just kill me. I just couldn't tell anyone at work what was going on because of who we were and because I didn't want to lose my job. There are some significant differences in our lives and the way we handle matters. The ease by which you can celebrate your happiness and marriage and photos and vacations and everything else, is not the same that is afforded to us. Living a double life is extremely difficult. I felt like I had just mountains upon mountains of things inside that I couldn't disclose to anyone and after years of this, it began to take its toll. I learned that I had been depressed for years. Robert had been depressed since his stroke because it took away so much of his abilities and his depression only got worse as the years went by. There was nothing I could do to make him happy or at least see that he was happier.
I've been very reclusive and very emotional for the past few days because of the May 08, 2008 and Mother's Day. I hope this helps you understand my perspective and please understand that I'm not comparing, nor am I minimizing anyone else's loss. They're all different and all complicated. The dedication website I made for Robert and my Mom just touches on some generalities but I tried to balance with the photos and slide shows.

www.harnamjikopler.com

Permalink Reply by Fred Dunn on June 26, 2010 at 10:46pm

Randolph,
I too lost my wife, fried and soulnate of 32 years in May of 2007. For the first 6-9 months it was just surreal, I just couldn't bring myself to believe she had passed into Gods hands. When I did I would cry until my head hurt. No sleep, no appetite (I've lost 35 pounds) and that is not because my wife cooked, as I cooked because my wife was too ill to cook.
I have just past the 3rd anniversary and I am a total recluse even with my son, daughter-in-law and grandkids. To top it off I have had migraines since I was 13 due to epilepsy. They were in check (oh I'd have them periodically) but now I am almost disabled by them. I am seeing the specialists specialist and getting more tests than the astronauts. All of this is keeping me from work and I am on the FMLA now since I may be able to show up at work or not.
My work is my only social life and if I lose that due to the neurological problems then I will have to ask my son and siblings forgiveness and end it.
I am Catholic but I also believe that God is all forgiving particularly to those in pain.
I am not encouraging anybody to do this as it is very painful for those who are left behind to wonder why , and what could I have done? In my case people close to me are almost ready for it as they have keys to my house. A very close friend and VP of the company I work for bumped up my appointments (medical school) and the Police have already shown up on my doorstep asking if I was thinking about it. No one that is truly considering it is going to say yes.

Maybe all of this will just blow over but I have a sneaking suspicion I will be with my wife again at least within a year, but like I said most people I think are surprised that I have made it this long.

God bless us all,
Fred Dunn

Permalink Reply by Paulette on July 1, 2010 at 7:52am

It has been 6 months since I lost the love of my life of 42 years. He will always be my hero, he went through 15 months of chemotheraphy and radiation never uttered a bad word through all of this. He lost his battle with cancer December 28th 2009, one day after my birthday, and on our grandson's 2nd birthday. I will never forget holding his hand as he took his dying last breath. It was a peaceful death, for that much I am grateful. I am having a hard time dealing with life without him, we were inseaparable. God how I miss him.

Permalink Reply by abel washington on July 1, 2010 at 2:21pm

if you prayer we can pray along with you

Permalink Reply by Sharon Barratt Roberson on July 7, 2010 at 7:44pm

Dee said:

Hi Jane,
How sad not to know what he wanted to tell you. There are so many things that we would 'do over' if we could. I look back at how I treated Bud when I was upset with our kids...I put him through so much and he didn't deserve it at all, but I knew he would love me through it all. I am hoping it gets better with time, I have only visited Bud's grave once because we are waiting for the headstone to be finished. I don't want the kids to go there until the headstone is on.

It is very hard going from day to day without the one we loved so much. Dee

Janie said:

I lost my ex-husband, who I was still dating and don't know why he was my ex really, on October 18, 2009. His funeral was on the 21st, my birthday. He was killed in an auto accident unexpectedly. I am having a hard time dealing with it. He was my best friend and was always there for me no matter when or what it was I needed. He always told me how much he loved me and worshiped me and I see now that he really did. I did not see how much he did before and all he wanted was for us to be married again, but I wouldn't. Why couldn't I see before how much he really loved me? He called me the night of the 17th saying he wanted to see me and talk to me, but I had plans with my kids and the next morning he was killed. I can't shake the feeling of wanting to know what he wanted. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do without him now. I feel so lost and alone and I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I cry everyday and I have become obsessed with making flowers for the cemetery and making sure that there are always nice fresh flowers. I miss him every second of every day and I am so lost without him. It has almost been six months now, but I think it is getting harder not easier to deal with him being gone. I love him so much and I don't know what to do without him.

Permalink Reply by Dignity Memorial NC on July 8, 2010 at 9:51am

Losing a partner/spouse can be one of the hardest losses anyone has to cope with. It can be hard to go on with life normally without him or her since they played such a central role in your own life. It's important, though, not to run from these memories. One of the best ways to cope is to create and orchestrate a memorial event for your loved one, to honor their memory and legacy -- helping you finally get peace. We wrote a few tips for planning memorials, if you decide that's the route you'd like to go.

Permalink Reply by Karin on July 10, 2010 at 8:21pm

How do you make it through a day and be sane. I lost my husband suddenly on May 31st. He was 40 we have 3 kids 2 teens one 7 year old and I have a very serious health condition that has tkaen me 3 times in teh past year. i cry as I am scared for my kids . How do any of you cope? I look in my yard other famlies swimming together and I am jsut with my kids. Wonder how you can feel normal again?

Permalink Reply by Liza Smith on July 10, 2010 at 10:26pm

All I know is that there has to be a new normal after such a loss. You're still in the very beginning stages of grief. Your feelings are still raw. I lost my Jim on April 23rd and I well remember the agony of those first few weeks (and months). Crying and talking to others who share your grief help a great deal.

Liza Smith said:

Karin said:

How do you make it through a day and be sane. I lost my husband suddenly on May 31st. He was 40 we have 3 kids 2 teens one 7 year old and I have a very serious health condition that has tkaen me 3 times in teh past year. i cry as I am scared for my kids . How do any of you cope? I look in my yard other famlies swimming together and I am jsut with my kids. Wonder how you can feel normal again?

Permalink Reply by Liza Smith on July 10, 2010 at 10:31pm

It's normal to be jealous of others whose lives haven't be touched by tragedy.

Liza Smith said:

Karin said:

How do you make it through a day and be sane. I lost my husband suddenly on May 31st. He was 40 we have 3 kids 2 teens one 7 year old and I have a very serious health condition that has tkaen me 3 times in teh past year. i cry as I am scared for my kids . How do any of you cope? I look in my yard other famlies swimming together and I am jsut with my kids. Wonder how you can feel normal again?

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