Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by debbie pasch on March 24, 2009 at 7:05pm

catherine Minshew said:

I am so so sorry that so many people feel what I feel; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I lost my husband and love of my life to lung cancer July 16th 2008, he was 51. Debbie I know what you are going through with not sleeping, wandering, eating until I'm sick then sometimes forgetting for days to eat. It's been 8 months this week and I still cry everyday. I play the I'm ok game at work but my mind wanders always back to him and something he did or said or something that we did together, I feel like I'm losing my mind but won't really miss it when it goes. My husband Earl was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, well him and the birth of my children. People tell me I only remember the good parts of our relationship because he's gone but that not true our marriage was good, yes we fought once and a while but it was few and far between that we had a real flight and we never stayed mad. I waited for him my whole life and it took me 2 other marriages before we found each other, it was the best 10 years I could have ever wished for.
he was a non-smoker but spent 22 years in the Air force but was retired (the government took no responsibility) We knew he had the cancer for 16 months and he fought hard. The doctors never told him to get his affairs in order or gave time a time line. He got pneumonia and within 2 days was in a coma on a breathing machine. I stayed with him for 6 days until his fight was over and mine started. I fight everyday to live without him. He left me a present that helps, 3 months before he left me he got sole custody of his 12 year old twin boys (my 3 are grown). He fought for 5 years to get them so I fought to keep them and last week I got sole custody of my step sons (they wanted to stay too). The hole in my life is still there without him but the boys help the pain lighten up when they smile and hug me and we talk about "dad".

I lost my all my grand parents, mom, dad and a brother but nothing could ever prepare me for this kind of grief. All I can say to everyone that has posted on this is , "you never get over the loss, you just find a place to put it" I'm still looking for that place but have hope that I will someday.

Permalink Reply by debbie pasch on March 24, 2009 at 7:06pm

debbie pasch said:

catherine Minshew said:

I am so so sorry that so many people feel what I feel; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I lost my husband and love of my life to lung cancer July 16th 2008, he was 51. Debbie I know what you are going through with not sleeping, wandering, eating until I'm sick then sometimes forgetting for days to eat. It's been 8 months this week and I still cry everyday. I play the I'm ok game at work but my mind wanders always back to him and something he did or said or something that we did together, I feel like I'm losing my mind but won't really miss it when it goes. My husband Earl was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, well him and the birth of my children. People tell me I only remember the good parts of our relationship because he's gone but that not true our marriage was good, yes we fought once and a while but it was few and far between that we had a real flight and we never stayed mad. I waited for him my whole life and it took me 2 other marriages before we found each other, it was the best 10 years I could have ever wished for.
he was a non-smoker but spent 22 years in the Air force but was retired (the government took no responsibility) We knew he had the cancer for 16 months and he fought hard. The doctors never told him to get his affairs in order or gave time a time line. He got pneumonia and within 2 days was in a coma on a breathing machine. I stayed with him for 6 days until his fight was over and mine started. I fight everyday to live without him. He left me a present that helps, 3 months before he left me he got sole custody of his 12 year old twin boys (my 3 are grown). He fought for 5 years to get them so I fought to keep them and last week I got sole custody of my step sons (they wanted to stay too). The hole in my life is still there without him but the boys help the pain lighten up when they smile and hug me and we talk about "dad".

I lost my all my grand parents, mom, dad and a brother but nothing could ever prepare me for this kind of grief. All I can say to everyone that has posted on this is , "you never get over the loss, you just find a place to put it" I'm still looking for that place but have hope that I will someday.

Permalink Reply by debbie pasch on March 24, 2009 at 8:43pm

obviously i don't know much about computers since i have know idea where my comment is or how to find it. i was trying to respond to catherine minshew

debbie pasch said:

debbie pasch said:

catherine Minshew said:

I am so so sorry that so many people feel what I feel; I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I lost my husband and love of my life to lung cancer July 16th 2008, he was 51. Debbie I know what you are going through with not sleeping, wandering, eating until I'm sick then sometimes forgetting for days to eat. It's been 8 months this week and I still cry everyday. I play the I'm ok game at work but my mind wanders always back to him and something he did or said or something that we did together, I feel like I'm losing my mind but won't really miss it when it goes. My husband Earl was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, well him and the birth of my children. People tell me I only remember the good parts of our relationship because he's gone but that not true our marriage was good, yes we fought once and a while but it was few and far between that we had a real flight and we never stayed mad. I waited for him my whole life and it took me 2 other marriages before we found each other, it was the best 10 years I could have ever wished for.
he was a non-smoker but spent 22 years in the Air force but was retired (the government took no responsibility) We knew he had the cancer for 16 months and he fought hard. The doctors never told him to get his affairs in order or gave time a time line. He got pneumonia and within 2 days was in a coma on a breathing machine. I stayed with him for 6 days until his fight was over and mine started. I fight everyday to live without him. He left me a present that helps, 3 months before he left me he got sole custody of his 12 year old twin boys (my 3 are grown). He fought for 5 years to get them so I fought to keep them and last week I got sole custody of my step sons (they wanted to stay too). The hole in my life is still there without him but the boys help the pain lighten up when they smile and hug me and we talk about "dad".

I lost my all my grand parents, mom, dad and a brother but nothing could ever prepare me for this kind of grief. All I can say to everyone that has posted on this is , "you never get over the loss, you just find a place to put it" I'm still looking for that place but have hope that I will someday.

Permalink Reply by Christine on March 24, 2009 at 10:05pm

Mary Beth said:

I completely understand, when I have a few "better" days, they seem to be followed by a major hit. Still, even tho I wrote that the holidays were no worse or better than any other days - her birthday was something totally different. That was a day to celebrate her life and I understand how horrible that is - because her life has ended - and it is SO NOT FAIR that she is not here anymore!!! Oh, I completely understand. You are right about the lousy way to get stronger, I have lost a lot of weight and people comment about how slim I am. I just tell them that I do not reccomend my weight loss program- and they just look at me oddly. That's only one type of odd comment I have had made to me. Please let me hear from you that you are still hanging in there. God's strength, love and comfort be with you. Mary Beth

Permalink Reply by Christine on March 24, 2009 at 10:08pm

I lost my partner on February 21, 2009 and my whole world has collapsed. Annette was my life and ( I cant stop crying writing this so i guess i will try later)

Permalink Reply by sue on March 25, 2009 at 9:53am

Christine, your wounds are just so fresh. I honestly don't really remember the first few months after losing Tom.(5/22/08) I
remember feeling sort of dazed and like the world no longer made sense. It seemed so unreal that the world had continued as usual. I had to make this huge effort to do anything. I smiled at the grand childrens faces but on the inside, I felt like I was dead. When I was alone, I cried and just walked from room to room. I would work in the yard and cry, whatever I did, it seems the tears were there. My son worked hard to make this dvd of him at different functions and when I just needed to see him, I would watch that and of course, cry! I just couldn't believe he was gone and I didn't want to believe it because of course, that made it real.
This is a real pain, it is emotional and also physical. What Catherine said about "nothing preparing you for this grief" is so true. I lost Mom, dad, a sister, and now my husband, my best friend, my side kick, my encourager, my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever but forever was just too soon and too quick and too shocking.
I am doing better but I did have to finally get some help because the emotions were too unpredictable, anger, depression,frustration, no patience. The struggle is not easier but acceptance and knowing you have to survive this finally takes over and you will, believe it or not. You must, you are living because you are supposed to still be alive.
I have a wonderful family who loves me and shares my pain and I don't know how it would be without that. I hope you can find that support. People do care. Suep

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on March 25, 2009 at 3:52pm

Debbie please feel free to email me...cathy5150nv@yahoo.com

catherine Minshew said:

Lisa, I too lost my husband to lung cancer and he was only 51, it still hurts so very badly. I still cry everyday and the smallest things like when I hear his favorite songs on the radio sends me off on a crying tangent. I get mad over nothing and let things pass right by me that would normally make me furious. To smile takes effort and is never from my heart, it’s to full of pain. I could win an academy award for acting when I’m at work but fall apart every time I’m alone.
I can’t help but feel that with so many of us who have such a black hole left when our loved one leaves us that maybe it’s because they filled our lives with such bright light when they were here. When you look at the sun, and then close your eyes all you see is black, with the outline of how intense the sun was and it takes a while for your sight to return to normal. My husbands love for me and mine for him was like that. I am still waiting for my sight (life) to return to normal, what ever normal may be now.
I spoke with a counselor right after he passed and had no luck trying to find the answers I was looking for. I didn’t go to her again and have been searching for answers on my own and I don’t really even know what the questions are. I have learned something though. I learned there are no answers and the questions are overwhelming. The past 8 months have shown me that. I wake up every morning from what I now know as sleep (the restless night spent tossing and turning and reaching for him and waking up in tears because I can’t feel him beside me) and then the reality wall of life hits me like a ton of bricks knowing I have to face the day and go on even though I would rather climb back in bed and lay there until he comes and gets me to be with him again. I myself have had thoughts of helping my journey back to him finish at my own hand but then I think, what if I don’t get back to him? He was a good man and I want to be by his side again and if I do something stupid I won’t get there, and the thought of eternity without him scares me more than waiting to finishing my job here on earth to be with him again. I am not overly spiritual but do believe in God so I won’t take that risk. I have been mad at God for taking him and leaving me here but if given the choice, would I rather have him feel the pain I am going through instead of me? The answer is emphatically NO; I would never want him to have this pain because I love him so very much, so God must have known that.
I am, at best, half of the person I used to be and I know I have changed. Loving someone so much and losing them has to change you, but as Sue said “some people don't get to have that experience”. I am very lucky to have had the GIFT of my husbands love, but for now I still wonder if there will ever be a time that I will be happy with who I am instead of grieve for who we were. I do however have hope that I can someday again be the person who he fell in love with.
Cathy


Lisa said:

It is hard to hear other peoples stories. I feel as if I am the only one going through this pain. I am 35 years old and lost my husband of only two years to lung cancer on November 20, 2008 20 days to the day after we found out that he had it. My husband was only 49 years old. It was so sudden and unexpected I expected to spend a lifetime with him. Now I can't sleep I have had thoughts of sucide, not eating and cry almost every day. And I get to relive the night he died once a month every month. I feel as if I am trapped in a pitch black endless maze and I will never ever find my way out. I get tired of hearing that it will " GET BETTER" I don't think that it can ever get better when you have lost the one person in your life that made you totally happy. I was married twice before this to two very abusive men. My husband took

Permalink Reply by Christine on March 26, 2009 at 11:11pm

Thank you for your kind words. It is still so new and I know I am no where near rational right now. I still walk from room to room crying my eyes out. All of her things are right where she left them. I see her everywhere. Annette had cirrhosis of the liver and although we were trying desperately to get her insurance so she could have a transplant, God had other ideas i guess. The six months the doctors gave her turned into two weeks. I was with her when she passed, along with alot of her family. The first three or so weeks i just cried and screamed.. at her, at god.. then of course apologize to no end. Some people that i have talked to who have never lost their partner dont really understand. I never realized until she was gone that almost everything we do in the course of the day somehow revolves around them and when they are gone, we dont know what to do. I took 3 weeks off of work and when i would wake up ( if i slept that night) and cry not knowing what i was suppose to be doing. I have to make lists of what i should be doing that day. otherwise, i have no clue. Every one tells me.." it will get better with time".. or " be strong" .. ( which i so don't want to be). I lost the one true love of my life and i miss her more which each passing day. It's still only been a little over a month, so I know it will take time, but its getting worse instead of better with each day that passes.

Permalink Reply by sue on March 27, 2009 at 6:02pm

Christine, I think it feels like it gets worse because in the beginning you are numb and in shock. You are probably actually starting to heal but it is as if the wounds are raw and they feel better some days and worse others.

This is just the hardest thing you will probably ever experience and it is going to take a life time. I don't believe you ever "get over it", I believe you just start to accept what you can't change.
I was glad to see you posted. It does help I think to talk to others that at least understand how hard it is. Others think they do, but they don't really unless they have had the experience because it is like no other. suep

Permalink Reply by catherine Minshew on March 27, 2009 at 6:16pm

I’m so sorry and I know there is nothing that makes sense right now. I too am lost; I don't know how to be me with out him. It’s been 8 months and I still have all his things. Some I managed to pack up and put in the garage and it took days for the swelling in my eyes to go down afterwards, I cried so hard. Most are still right where he left them. I am not strong enough to deal with that yet so I am sure it will be sometime before you are ready as well. Don’t let anyone rush you; take it as you are able. It took me 2 weeks to get through a drawer and that was over a 2 month period. I am sure that Annette was as intertwined with you as Earl was with me and everything holds a memory that you must relive each time you see it. I hope peace comes to you and you will be able to smile when those memories cross your path, I have started to smile a little when I think of them (right before I cry myself sick) so there is hope…I think. I still have that fleeting thought every time I walk in my house that he will be there, and it takes my breath away when I don’t see him. I know he died but for that moment I relive the acute pain of losing him and the life we had together. Please know that my heart (what’s left of it) goes out to you and the many others who have joined this terrible association that we share. May we all find peace along our journeys back to our loved ones.

Christine said:

Thank you for your kind words. It is still so new and I know I am no where near rational right now. I still walk from room to room crying my eyes out. All of her things are right where she left them. I see her everywhere. Annette had cirrhosis of the liver and although we were trying desperately to get her insurance so she could have a transplant, God had other ideas i guess. The six months the doctors gave her turned into two weeks. I was with her when she passed, along with alot of her family. The first three or so weeks i just cried and screamed.. at her, at god.. then of course apologize to no end. Some people that i have talked to who have never lost their partner dont really understand. I never realized until she was gone that almost everything we do in the course of the day somehow revolves around them and when they are gone, we dont know what to do. I took 3 weeks off of work and when i would wake up ( if i slept that night) and cry not knowing what i was suppose to be doing. I have to make lists of what i should be doing that day. otherwise, i have no clue. Every one tells me.." it will get better with time".. or " be strong" .. ( which i so don't want to be). I lost the one true love of my life and i miss her more which each passing day. It's still only been a little over a month, so I know it will take time, but its getting worse instead of better with each day that passes.

Permalink Reply by George Allen on March 29, 2009 at 3:50am

My name is George Allen and I live in South Carolina. My beautiful wife Judy died(it took a year before I could say died) on July 15, 2005, 6 months after heart surgery to replace a valve. Everything went wrong and she finally died of liver failure. I did all the things I've read about you guys doing - walking around the house crying. I drove to Charleston and considered throwing myself in the ocean but I couldn't do it. I was amazed at how many tears my eyes cound produce. I cried every day for at least a year but most of the tears have dried. I do however still cry quite often. People asked me "how you doing" so much I finally started telling them and everyone stopped asking. I wanted (and still do) to talk about Judy but most people want to pretend like nothing happened or maybe she never existed. Someone said "I know how you feel - my father died last year". I didn't say it but my father died too but there's no comparison. I didn't plan the rest of my life with my father. My world didn't revolve around my father. People ask my if I've married again yet. Other guys at work whose wives died since mine have already married and moving right along. I just can't do it. I tell them I can only love one woman at a time and I love Judy. Nobody talks to me about it anymore and I carry it inside. I'll never get over it but I've gotten used to it and I've lowered my expectation of others considerbly. I take a day at a time.
George

Permalink Reply by sue on March 30, 2009 at 10:40am

George, you expressed such insight. I hate those words too. "how are you". I know they are meant to show concern, but how can you respond? I also hate. "sorry for your loss". What do you say?
I learned to say "thank you" but it is a struggle. My mind goes to the thought of loss. This was not someone lost, it was the loss of everything real in my life. Almost the loss of my life as I knew it.
I too did all the things you mentioned or at least thought about it. I too want to talk about Tom. I just go ahead and do it and sometimes when I mention something he said or did, people will say, "auh" like they are feeling sorry for me. That is what I feel anyway. I am however blessed with many people who loved him too and don't seem to mind talking about him and in fact do. I think they realize that I need to talk about him and like to hear about him so they talk about him to me. We have grandchildren and the 13 year old told me that she dreams about him all the time. When I asked about the dreams, she said they were just "you know hanging out". He had taken her fishing and she was dreaming about that. I was so glad to know that she is visiting with him in her dreams. She was a sickly little girl and spent so much time with us. Her father was not in her life so Tom was her male figure and she has appeared to suffer the most. That was so hard too. This 5/22/09 will already be a year and it sometimes feels like only a few weeks ago. I too get the question or comment about re marrying? How can you even think about that when you are in love with your husband. Love doesn't die. I honestly don't want to even consider marriage because I can't imagine finding the love I had twice in one lifetime.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Suep

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