Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Susan W Reynolds on April 8, 2009 at 11:33am

Having been widowed 5 years ago, I stepped in several new directions.
Today I am running a successful interior redesign business ( using what already owns to create a personal and functioning room) and finding that most of my clients are in grief or have recently been dealing with grief issues.

I speak with Hospice Bereavement on Room For Change: Honoring Yourself in and Through Grief. You can catch some ideas from my blog http://revivalredesign.blogspot.com.

I would welcome your ideas and challenge in areas of your concern. Additional blogs to follow for different rooms and ways to ease through this healing time.

Permalink Reply by sue on April 9, 2009 at 8:28pm

Terri, I am so sorry. Over 20 years ago my bro n law shot my sister to death. She was a beautiful 38 year old women. It was so unbelivable that anger and violance could go that far. It hurt so bad but it also hurt so many other people and in this case, you are one of them.
I remember how my ex brother in laws(divorced 30 days) daughter fought to save and to defend her father and even in my broken heart I knew that if it had been reversed I would have felt the same and would have stood beside my sister all the way. Unlike most of my family, I got and understood this young women and her defense of her dad. She also loved my sis so she had to deal with that pain also. I can still remember this daughters wailing when she left the court room after her dad had been sentenced. He got off on voluntary manslaughter which is not unusual in family disputes but it seems it was nothing to the loss of this life. She left two almost grown children and a 2 l/2 year old that was their child. Life changing experience. I wanted so badly to go to this young women at the courthouse and just hug her but my family was so angry and silent and hurt and in shock that I just walked out with them.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this horrible pain. Your brother was not in his right mind and I am confident in saying that. I don't think anyone realizes how painful this expereince is and how easy and often it happens when people are going through this kind of trauma. This man killed my sister because she refused to return to him. She had apparently been living in an abusive relationship for all these years. It was just so sad for the whole family and my folks started to really age after this happened.
I know how much you love your brother. Continue to love him and allow yourself to forgive him and yourself because no matter how someone dies, it seems we all wonder "what if". We all have a time to live and a time to die. It is hard to understand.
If I can help you in any way, my e mail is mimisuep@yahoo.com. I think this is allowed. Suep

terri said:

My brother shot himself.. Plus his x wife ... he took her back & well her son & my brothers son heard her tell my brother She is leaving.. My brother that night shot in the head.. & shoot himself.. There is much to his sorry.. for this was the 19th. time she had left him in2 1/2 yrs. she was taking everthing( & yes U women that have x- husand trouble I am sorry I just miss him SO, SO. We did not have a dad so I took him hunting for the first time & we always took care of each other.. But that Sat. I talked to him 2 times.. I would NEVER Think that that night I would get the call to come get my nephew & that night finding out he shot & killed His wife.. I didnot get to go to hospital till that Sun. Night. & My brother was brain dead.. PLEASE.. I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, For I have to to his place to make sure noone has broken in

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 13, 2009 at 9:53am

i lost my husband the day before you wrote this message, rhonda..so it has only been two months and i am plodding on through the days feeling so desperate and lost.
i shudder to think i have the rest of my life feeling like this and keep asking him to call me up near him but i know it will not happen..he was only 58 years old and treated me like a princess and i loved him more than i love myself....i dont eat or sleep..i go to work cos i have to but cant even get to sleep at our flat.....it hurts too too much...does it ever go away?

Permalink Reply by sue on April 13, 2009 at 7:04pm

Annalise, it doesn't go away but it starts to cause less physical pain. It comes and goes but as time goes on I think you just make a decision to go on living. My guy died 5/22/08 and the first few months I was just numb. I hardly remember most of it. Then the shock wore off and the pain was raw and real and I longed for the shock to return. Sleep was difficult and time was hard to track. I am coming up on a year having been through many first and they are hard but somehow you survive and find a way to laugh sometimes and enjoy what you do have and it does help. I didn't celebrate when I didn't want to and I allowed myself the luxury of being selfish and caring for me first and that was hard for me to be honest. It is better now but I would still have him back in a heartbeat and I still cry at times and I still miss him and wish I could see him.
Each day I try to make myself remember what I have to be grateful for. In the beginning I too thought a lot of "what now", how do I go on", where is the joy, but I had to decide to face this and find a way to go on because I felt I would surely die otherwise.
I encourage you to take care of yourself and do nice things for yourself. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel but feel as you will. This is a hard thing to deal with and nothing fair about it or there is no way to understand it, you do have to get through it and that is the way I am surviving. Blessing to you and my thoughts are with you. Sincerely, Suep

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 14, 2009 at 8:57am

THANKS SUE...YES I FEEL LIKE I SIMPLY HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR AND DO NOT KNOW IN WHICH DIRECTION MY LIFE IS GOING. LIFE LOOKS SO BLEAK RIGHT NOW. IT IS GOOD TO HEAR THAT YOU DID GET A BIT BETTER. I KNOW IT IS EARLY TIMES YET BUT MARK SPENT 9 MONTHS IN HOSPITAL SO THE TRAUMA STARTED LAST YEAR 23RD MAY 2008 (A DAY AFTER GUY'S PASSING) BUT IT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE SHOCK OF HIS PASSING AWAY .... AT TIMES I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY. POSTING HERE HELPS BUT I STILL FEEL SO VERY DESPERATE...THANKS YR HELP

sue said:

Annalise, it doesn't go away but it starts to cause less physical pain. It comes and goes but as time goes on I think you just make a decision to go on living. My guy died 5/22/08 and the first few months I was just numb. I hardly remember most of it. Then the shock wore off and the pain was raw and real and I longed for the shock to return. Sleep was difficult and time was hard to track. I am coming up on a year having been through many first and they are hard but somehow you survive and find a way to laugh sometimes and enjoy what you do have and it does help. I didn't celebrate when I didn't want to and I allowed myself the luxury of being selfish and caring for me first and that was hard for me to be honest. It is better now but I would still have him back in a heartbeat and I still cry at times and I still miss him and wish I could see him.
Each day I try to make myself remember what I have to be grateful for. In the beginning I too thought a lot of "what now", how do I go on", where is the joy, but I had to decide to face this and find a way to go on because I felt I would surely die otherwise.
I encourage you to take care of yourself and do nice things for yourself. Don't let anyone tell you how to feel but feel as you will. This is a hard thing to deal with and nothing fair about it or there is no way to understand it, you do have to get through it and that is the way I am surviving. Blessing to you and my thoughts are with you. Sincerely, Suep

Permalink Reply by sue on April 14, 2009 at 10:37am

Annalise, I too thought I was going crazy at times. I just didn't know who I was anymore. I spent a lot of time alone and still do. It seems to me like I had to find myself again without him to go on.
We are all different. My girlfriend had lost her husband to a slow death about a year before mine and she just didn't understand me because she wanted to be with someone all the time and be doing and going all the time. I just couldn't be that way and finally it caused a bit of a rift between long time friends. She was trying to help but I began to avoid her. We worked through it some as old friends hopefully do but we mostly communicate by e-mail or phone now.
This changes who you are and it can't be helped. I remember so many sleepless nights of crying and just hurting physically. I not only thought I would die from the pain but I just didn't care if I did. I didn't see the joy in living without him and I just couldn't imagine doing it.
Since then, I realize I am healing a little each day and I do feel joy in the little things again. I can think of him and smile and I talk to him sometimes as if he is still here. He was always so quite and I was the talker. I laugh at the things we would have laughed at together. I feel joy in the things we would have felt joy in. I often think "Tom I wish you were here,or are you seeing this?" . I feel like he is part of me and is still with me just like he was before.
I am not going to tell you it will get better but it does change and for me it became a reality. That was the hardest part for me to make it real. I think I tried to deny the fact since he died from a brain anyerism, it was a shock. It seemed so unreal for him to have just been on the phone with me and then the next call came from the person that found him. They wouldn't tell me over the phone that he was gone but that emergency was working with him. I knew. I was begging the Lord to not take him all the while I was trying to get to him and when I did, of course he was gone. I told my husband good bye and saw his body for the last time while he was lying on a cold concrete floor with his shirt cut away and his other clothing loose and he was without shoes. He was so cold and gray and it took me months to forget that look when I thought of him and remember his beautiful smile and that twinkle in his warm blue eyes. Being taken away by the coroner is not something you want to see with your love. I remember how green his feet looked as he was loaded on the vehicle. He was cremated according to our decision and I still have his ashes and I will do something with them when I am ready. It was strange to get his ashes back and to know that he was in there. It even bothered me to take them to the church for the service and come back home without them that afternoon after setting up for the service. You go through some really strange feelings and emotions but each has their own. I learned to just ignore the advise I got from people if it didn't fit with me and to say "no" and "I don't want to do that" and like I said, "think selfishly". You can't worry about letting other people feel better at your expense. This is survival and you have to do it. They do too.
Many of his siblings didn't agree with things I did but he and I were partners and I knew what he wanted because he told me. Family has to deal with it in their way too and that isn't always pleasant for you. I had some problems with some of his family and that hurt too. They were not a close family but they liked to think they were and because they thought that, they thought they knew what he would want. I learned to not care what they said because I realized they didn't know him like I did and didn't want to. Strange times, but you will get through it but you will be forever changed. suep

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 15, 2009 at 10:55am

sue said:

Annalise, I too thought I was going crazy at times. I just didn't know who I was anymore. I spent a lot of time alone and still do. It seems to me like I had to find myself again without him to go on.
We are all different. My girlfriend had lost her husband to a slow death about a year before mine and she just didn't understand me because she wanted to be with someone all the time and be doing and going all the time. I just couldn't be that way and finally it caused a bit of a rift between long time friends. She was trying to help but I began to avoid her. We worked through it some as old friends hopefully do but we mostly communicate by e-mail or phone now.
This changes who you are and it can't be helped. I remember so many sleepless nights of crying and just hurting physically. I not only thought I would die from the pain but I just didn't care if I did. I didn't see the joy in living without him and I just couldn't imagine doing it.
Since then, I realize I am healing a little each day and I do feel joy in the little things again. I can think of him and smile and I talk to him sometimes as if he is still here. He was always so quite and I was the talker. I laugh at the things we would have laughed at together. I feel joy in the things we would have felt joy in. I often think "Tom I wish you were here,or are you seeing this?" . I feel like he is part of me and is still with me just like he was before.
I am not going to tell you it will get better but it does change and for me it became a reality. That was the hardest part for me to make it real. I think I tried to deny the fact since he died from a brain anyerism, it was a shock. It seemed so unreal for him to have just been on the phone with me and then the next call came from the person that found him. They wouldn't tell me over the phone that he was gone but that emergency was working with him. I knew. I was begging the Lord to not take him all the while I was trying to get to him and when I did, of course he was gone. I told my husband good bye and saw his body for the last time while he was lying on a cold concrete floor with his shirt cut away and his other clothing loose and he was without shoes. He was so cold and gray and it took me months to forget that look when I thought of him and remember his beautiful smile and that twinkle in his warm blue eyes. Being taken away by the coroner is not something you want to see with your love. I remember how green his feet looked as he was loaded on the vehicle. He was cremated according to our decision and I still have his ashes and I will do something with them when I am ready. It was strange to get his ashes back and to know that he was in there. It even bothered me to take them to the church for the service and come back home without them that afternoon after setting up for the service. You go through some really strange feelings and emotions but each has their own. I learned to just ignore the advise I got from people if it didn't fit with me and to say "no" and "I don't want to do that" and like I said, "think selfishly". You can't worry about letting other people feel better at your expense. This is survival and you have to do it. They do too.
Many of his siblings didn't agree with things I did but he and I were partners and I knew what he wanted because he told me. Family has to deal with it in their way too and that isn't always pleasant for you. I had some problems with some of his family and that hurt too. They were not a close family but they liked to think they were and because they thought that, they thought they knew what he would want. I learned to not care what they said because I realized they didn't know him like I did and didn't want to. Strange times, but you will get through it but you will be forever changed. suep

thank u sue

just like u i dont care whether i live or die any more..it just does not seem to matter now that mark is no longer in my life.
in fact i would rather not be alive. have no kids to depend on me but my parents are both in their mid-seventies and still alive and i know they are suffering because of me. what u told me i could relate to completely.
mark was not cremated but at the moment all that keeps coming to mind is the moment of his death and how the colour just drained from his beautiful face.
why dont the lovely memories over the past twelve years come rushing back rather than his dying moments.
at night i cannot think of anything but this memory.

i am suffering so so much....but all know what i mean.

i just want time to pass...maybe i will start hardening a bit soon.

oh to be near him...mark my love...i miss u so very very much !!

Permalink Reply by annalise samuel lapira on April 15, 2009 at 10:58am

sue said:

Annalise, I too thought I was going crazy at times. I just didn't know who I was anymore. I spent a lot of time alone and still do. It seems to me like I had to find myself again without him to go on.
We are all different. My girlfriend had lost her husband to a slow death about a year before mine and she just didn't understand me because she wanted to be with someone all the time and be doing and going all the time. I just couldn't be that way and finally it caused a bit of a rift between long time friends. She was trying to help but I began to avoid her. We worked through it some as old friends hopefully do but we mostly communicate by e-mail or phone now.
This changes who you are and it can't be helped. I remember so many sleepless nights of crying and just hurting physically. I not only thought I would die from the pain but I just didn't care if I did. I didn't see the joy in living without him and I just couldn't imagine doing it.
Since then, I realize I am healing a little each day and I do feel joy in the little things again. I can think of him and smile and I talk to him sometimes as if he is still here. He was always so quite and I was the talker. I laugh at the things we would have laughed at together. I feel joy in the things we would have felt joy in. I often think "Tom I wish you were here,or are you seeing this?" . I feel like he is part of me and is still with me just like he was before.
I am not going to tell you it will get better but it does change and for me it became a reality. That was the hardest part for me to make it real. I think I tried to deny the fact since he died from a brain anyerism, it was a shock. It seemed so unreal for him to have just been on the phone with me and then the next call came from the person that found him. They wouldn't tell me over the phone that he was gone but that emergency was working with him. I knew. I was begging the Lord to not take him all the while I was trying to get to him and when I did, of course he was gone. I told my husband good bye and saw his body for the last time while he was lying on a cold concrete floor with his shirt cut away and his other clothing loose and he was without shoes. He was so cold and gray and it took me months to forget that look when I thought of him and remember his beautiful smile and that twinkle in his warm blue eyes. Being taken away by the coroner is not something you want to see with your love. I remember how green his feet looked as he was loaded on the vehicle. He was cremated according to our decision and I still have his ashes and I will do something with them when I am ready. It was strange to get his ashes back and to know that he was in there. It even bothered me to take them to the church for the service and come back home without them that afternoon after setting up for the service. You go through some really strange feelings and emotions but each has their own. I learned to just ignore the advise I got from people if it didn't fit with me and to say "no" and "I don't want to do that" and like I said, "think selfishly". You can't worry about letting other people feel better at your expense. This is survival and you have to do it. They do too.
Many of his siblings didn't agree with things I did but he and I were partners and I knew what he wanted because he told me. Family has to deal with it in their way too and that isn't always pleasant for you. I had some problems with some of his family and that hurt too. They were not a close family but they liked to think they were and because they thought that, they thought they knew what he would want. I learned to not care what they said because I realized they didn't know him like I did and didn't want to. Strange times, but you will get through it but you will be forever changed. suep

an sue....yes just like u i have become withdrawn and alone most of the time..losing my friends but dont really care

Permalink Reply by sue on April 17, 2009 at 11:42am

They will come back, they just don't know how to deal with your pain. I found going out and talking to total strangers helped me more because just for a little while I could just be Sue. Sometimes I would get back in my car and cry but it helped to get out. It always felt like he was with me but this helped my healing and finally I was able to be with old friends and be more myself. The beginning is just so raw, please take special care of you and be your "best friend". If he could do anything for you what would it be? Do that for yourself, run a hot bath, buy something pretty, take care of you!!!!! I believe that is what our loved ones would say to all of us. I know they can see further down the road and know that we will mend but I also feel they want us to be okay because they love us and as I always say, "love never dies". Suep

Permalink Reply by Donna on September 30, 2009 at 6:13pm

I just suddenly lost my best friend this past Saturday and I don't even know how to begin to write down my feelings. I feel many things inside but mostly I'm grief stricken and shocked. Although Charlotte and I talked many times about dying and she made her wishes known to me I am still struggling.

I am originally from Tallahassee where I worked for many years. I knew Charlotte and many of my friends from work. I moved to Athens, Ga a couple years after we were laid off and had to deal with cancer. Charlotte was there for me as much as she could be but she never felt that she did enough. That was how she was. She would give everything she had yet feel as though there was more she could have done. I love her for this but sometimes wanted to shake some sense into her! You can only do so much but Charlotte would hurt herself helping ease someone else's pain.

I want to sit on her front porch in the swing with her again. We would be there many times until the sun came up the next morning and there were times this last year that I'd beg her to let me go to sleep but she would say " no! I don't know when I'll see you again." She also had begun to give away things and said she wanted to be ready when the time came.

Charlotte was angry with me about something and I have no idea what it is to this day but we haven't spoken since 11-5 08,,,,almost a year. "Charlotte, if you can read this PLEASE tell me why you're so mad with me!!. I need to know! I love you no matter what,,,I always have. You'v e been my best friend for 29 years so I know you can tell me and we can talk it out. "

No, we can't. You're gone now and we can no longer talk to one another. I have prayed that your soul is resting and headed to heaven once Jesus comes to claim his own. This is about all I can now..and find forgiveness in my heart. I'm sorry, Charlotte if I hurt you or did anything to upset you. I hope you know that.

Be free now. Be happy and be loved and know that the ones you left will always remember you and keep you in their hearts. We will meet again one fine day.

Permalink Reply by barbara on November 13, 2009 at 4:55pm

This may seeem strange to some being this is not a mother father, grandparent daughter ect. The person I grieve and miss terribly was a long time ago boyfriend. He died in Lake winola and I never ever had any closure except a phone call explaining he had passed. I was aware he was dating someone else as well as me he wrote me about this but I never thought he would ever be gone.
He died of carbon poisoning and from what I was told he had just married this female whom the families disapproved of ect. I have tried to write to the papers and get the articles for myself so I could read them nobody wants to help me.
I have no photos as they were destroyed amonst my things when I had moved years ago. Ive tried reaching out to his family but they dont seem to care Im obviously a nobody to them now. I named my son Christopher after him and that is about all I have. I dont know where he is buried not even positive of the date that would be posted as his death. A single day doesnt pass that I think about
him and yes I know he obviously married someone else but still we had something special and I am sure the reason he broke that was to stop the pain we both experienced year in and year out when I had to return to NY to school and we only saw each other in the summer. His last letter to me told me its just too hard to hurt so much so I met someone else and will try to make this work.
I would like to put closure and the only way I can do this is if I I had his photo, the articles explaining what happened and knowing where he was put to rest.
I believe the year was 1972 its been so long he was from lake winola pennsylvania they found his car on point road it was a Camaro. the girls nickname was Sunshine that is the only way I ever knew her he called her sunshine in his letters as well. I have tried everything to locate articles, to locate his remains to locate anything to give me closure. I cant get anything. I did have one girl write me claiming to know his younger brother Andy she gave me he and his wifes address and telephone but andy was really young at the time and who knows maybe he just wants to put the past behind and I dont blame him he never replied to my telephone. Silly enough my autograph book from school says good luck from you brother in law to be Andy simpson. I have lost my sister, my parents, my grandparents and almost all my friends growing up I believe for people who have died I might make the guiness world book but nothing has stuck with me and hurt as much as this I need to know exactly what happened to him I need to know where he is buried if he is buried. Can anyone tell me how I can find out anything.

Permalink Reply by barbara on November 13, 2009 at 4:59pm

So sorry for your loss I know how hard it is when you leave things unsaid or done and you just dont know. I am sure that if she were to be able to she would tell you that it didnt make any difference and she loves you. One day she will.
She would want you to be happy and not dwell on something that was not worth you being in such pain.

Donna said:

I just suddenly lost my best friend this past Saturday and I don't even know how to begin to write down my feelings. I feel many things inside but mostly I'm grief stricken and shocked. Although Charlotte and I talked many times about dying and she made her wishes known to me I am still struggling.

I am originally from Tallahassee where I worked for many years. I knew Charlotte and many of my friends from work. I moved to Athens, Ga a couple years after we were laid off and had to deal with cancer. Charlotte was there for me as much as she could be but she never felt that she did enough. That was how she was. She would give everything she had yet feel as though there was more she could have done. I love her for this but sometimes wanted to shake some sense into her! You can only do so much but Charlotte would hurt herself helping ease someone else's pain.

I want to sit on her front porch in the swing with her again. We would be there many times until the sun came up the next morning and there were times this last year that I'd beg her to let me go to sleep but she would say " no! I don't know when I'll see you again." She also had begun to give away things and said she wanted to be ready when the time came.

Charlotte was angry with me about something and I have no idea what it is to this day but we haven't spoken since 11-5 08,,,,almost a year. "Charlotte, if you can read this PLEASE tell me why you're so mad with me!!. I need to know! I love you no matter what,,,I always have. You'v e been my best friend for 29 years so I know you can tell me and we can talk it out. "

No, we can't. You're gone now and we can no longer talk to one another. I have prayed that your soul is resting and headed to heaven once Jesus comes to claim his own. This is about all I can now..and find forgiveness in my heart. I'm sorry, Charlotte if I hurt you or did anything to upset you. I hope you know that.

Be free now. Be happy and be loved and know that the ones you left will always remember you and keep you in their hearts. We will meet again one fine day.

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