Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by christy strahan on September 20, 2009 at 9:35am

i really understand where u r coming from lost my husband june 21st he was only 35. He waited for a heart transplant for 3 years, our whole life revolved around his illness and the hope for a heart. he was my everything for 16 years, we created a beautiful daughter who looks so much like him. i feel lost, like a boat drifting. i just want my love back. cry all the time too and cant control when though that part gets easier to control. live in a smaller town and have went from everyones condolences to now they dont know what 2 say or worse yet they dont mention his name at all. that really throws me because then i think he being forgotten. grief makes u crazy

Permalink Reply by BARBARA K. FELLER on September 21, 2009 at 4:04am

I definitely do understand how u r feeling. I have personally been through so much --in my life but especially in the past 5 yrs. I was very ill for almost 18 yrs from working in 3 sick federal office buildings. It ruined my health for a long time. I took early out federal retirement from SSA instead of disability. That was 09/2004. My permanent pinched nerve in my neck--caused by non-ergonomic work conditions wrenched up & horrible pain. I was scheduled to have out patient operation/procedure for epidurals on my neck. However, my diabetic blood sugar wasn't being controlled by oral medication. Pain Management doctor --after I'd filled out 12 1/2 page questionnaire gave me a prescription for Oxycontin. I have asthma & u can't be on Oxycontin w/asthma. I had life threatening reaction-organs shutting down & I was w/in 4 minutes of dying. Another 10 1/2 days in hospital. I got out, had 3 epidurals on my neck. Then later another 2 on my sternum for Tsietze syndrome. neck responded but nothing for sternum (Tsietze Syndrome). On my way to see dermatologist, I had a awful fall, on fountain ledge, hitting it w/my head-by my eye, & my glasses broke-almost losing my eye, fell & hit w/my arms & knees, then fell onto hard marble tile floor on top of my left hand which I broke in 4 places. 911 called-e/r visit for x rays then on to orthopedic surgeon the next day.
That laid me up 3 more months. 2 sets of physical therapy & my hand was still 'splaying' & ortho. doc wanted me to go to hand specialist for more therapy, which I refused as I'd been there w/recurring constant tendonitis (& carpal tunnel syndrome) from constant use at fed'l job. Then he wanted to re-break my hand & operate on it to make fingers not splay & lay flat. I said, 'Thanks but no thanks." Then my hubby & I were out fishing in back of our condo & it was a little windy. I got abraised cornea-2nd one! That laid me up after I went to Opthalmic Surgeon every other day for 4 wks.
My weight wasn't under control even though eating all protein & no carbs, exercising every day-walking, biking, swimming & work-out room on treadmill & other exercises for 2 hours. Insulin therapy & damaged immune system kept my weight up. So after many tests, I decided to have bariatric gastric bypass on 05-29-07 2 days after my b'day-2 day hospital stay. I lost most of my weight w/in 2 months--65 lbs but ended up back in hospital for 3 day stay because of gastric ulcer at operation site. That was in 09/2007. Doctors said 'No going out to apply for other jobs, no exercise & 3 medications for 4 months until ulcer healed."
Then my husband who was so wonderful but suffered periodically over the yrs from depression, started 'losing his mind' from an entire life filled w/so much constant stress---not from me. His mother, his aunt & their sick little group of friends sexually abused him growing up. His father took off when he was 3 y.o. Only saw Stuie 2 times after moving to Hollywood/Beverly hills, ca., re-marrying & having more children but ignored his 1st born child. His mother, Esther K. Feller, is controlling but crazy. So is her brother, an international corporate tax attorney, worth about 40-50 million dollars. Both Esther & Joseph (Yussie nickname in Yiddish) both blow up--just like their father--for no reason. I think it's 'periodic explosive disorder' as far as I can figure out. My husband's 1st born child, Kevin, had Chron's disease then mental problems on top of that. He was hospitalized 4-5 times for psychiatric stuff. He was bi-polar --died 02/1999 accidental overdose of his mental medications. He had 2nd child, Jill, born 1973 thank god she wasn't ill. Her mother has ulcerative colitis--like Chrons-related to it. Then Yussie kids, my hubby 1st cousins like his brothers/sisters as he was an only child. 1 1st cousin schizophrenic since age 19/20 in mental hospitals since that time about 30 yrs ago. Other 1st cousin ended up in Bellevue Psychiatric hospital-for almost 1 yr w/Bi-polar. He used to come down in s. fl from Ny to visit us and would rant/rave/scream-one time ripped his shirt off & undershirt, screaming/cursing at my husband for no real reason, ran out of our home, drove off like a maniac. duh! Their sister has been seeing a psychiatrist every wk for past 27 yrs. The other sister left her husband-a wonderful guy after being married over 20 yrs w/nice children by him, she up & divorced him to marry her child hood sweet heart-a putzy guy. Now after raising her own children, she's taken on his teenage children. Another Duh!
Anyway, my husband & I were both contacting mortgage brokers, banks, financial institutions, etc. to try & re-finance our condo mortgaged 2 times to the hilt. S. Fl. real estate bombed out--condo went down in value from $190,000 to less than 60,000. No one would help us refinance--not family either. All my husbands letters, emails & phone calls asking his rich Uncle & cousins--all of whom have million dollar trust funds plus all of them own 2 homes-either on Long Island NY, Manhattan and Florida-in the rich areas only. His cousin Sherry, that sees psychiatrist was so upset! She sent Stuie an e-mail saying 'You are '''over the top'' with your request'. So upset that she & her wealthy hubby flew to Italy & stayed for 2 weeks. Uncle Yussie & all others no answer, ignoring our pleas for help. My parents not rich but well off. My mom's crazy/self-absorbed/childish & my father-great growing up stayed unhappy w/my mother, hating himself & his life choices-choosing to stay married to my mom for 66 dysfunctional, enabling years. Another big duh! He turned into a shell of himself--alcoholic around 1983 violent often. My mother refuses to face reality w/anything.
So our ARM on our 2nd mortgage was due to increase 12/1/2007. My husband started w/drawing, depressed, anxious, picking holes in his feet, fretting, scared, panicked. He was almost catatonic, staring out rear sliding door towards lake in our condo. He wouldn't answer me when I asked him something simple-'would u like to eat dinner or would u like me to make u a cup of coffee, etc." Or he'd keep asking me the same thing over & over like he was 'not getting it' asking about 120-200 times same thing. I had to lock him up in psychiatric hospital for 2 days-on suicide watch in a ward like on Cuckoo's nest. They stabilized him but he reacted horribly to all mental medications they gave him....bottom line? He hung himself on back of his bathroom door 11-29-20007 & my world as I knew it blew apart. I found him, tried to revive him after I called 911 but too late. I was denied private ins. as we'd just lowered it from $150,000 down to $100,000 having had policy since 2003. We were trying to watch our costs but agent couldn't make any changes. He had to issue new policy which my hubby signed on 11-23-2007.
Keep a journal, see a therapist, talk to ur husband, make new friends. It will get better eventually. I used to walk a lot. I have almost filled 2 notebooks of journal writing. Buy some books-like at Barnes & nobles or go to library. Get books & there's workbook on grieving. 5 Stages of grief. It's possible to get through it. U r probably stronger than u realize. Pray if u believe in prayers. I do. It will get better. Don't give up. It's taken me coming up on 2 yrs since my husband's suicide 11-29-07. Then my favorite brother dropped dead 07-16-08 ht attack in his sleep. My father dropped dead 1 wk later 07-23-08. My condo foreclosed & my credit's ruined. But I am determined to be positive and know that jesus is my b.f. right now--other than my female best girl friend. There are more than 1 soul mates. I've had 2 but only 1 hubby. There's a book I bought called 'Natural born soul mates'. It's not just about male/female heartmates/soul mates but also about how certain people are meant to meet, help us along on this journey of life. Hang in there. I wrapped my fluffy pillows around my sides when I sleep and hug another one. I pretended for a long time it was my sweetie holding me. I couldn't sleep in our bed so I slept in lazy boy chair in living room. I still miss him and still cry sometimes something will remind me of him. Other times it's for no other reason than I miss him. Take care and write to me if u want to. U will be in my mind and prayers. Don't give up! U can do it!!! Barbara K. Feller (maiden name Barbara J. Kessinger)

Permalink Reply by BARBARA K. FELLER on September 26, 2009 at 12:39am

I wrote a long-sorry it was so very long--reply to u. U can write to me via my email personally if u want to. It's barbarajkfeller@gmail.com. I am also listed on myspace and facebook.

Please don't think any of u r going crazy. I got myself some books on grieving (& for me suicide also) which helped.

I do miss my husband's sweet smile, his deep voice, his telling me he loves me---for no reason, his hugs, his strong arms/shoulders. He was stocky build w/strong hands but soft hands, wonderful solid athletic stocky legs ; beautiful hazel eyes w/dark eyelashes. I also setup a memorial for him. Many friends asked me if I was going to have a memorial service for him down in s. florida where we lived. I had to fly up to NYC & bury him along w/dealing w/homicide detectives, an investigation & the shock of finding him hanging by the neck, performing cpr, calling 911, his dtr wanting to kill herself out of guilt of the way she'd ostracized her father. I had no family support-dysfunctional family except for my oldest brother, Dan, who called me. We spent an hour on the phone long distance. So I couldn't handle a funeral AND memorial service. I didn't even have the presence of mind to handle how his death notice would be reported in the local newspaper, SunSentinel.

However, a suicide is so different no matter what anyone tells u otherwise. It's horrible enough to lose someone u love so much, always cherished & when we treated each other so wonderfully. Everyone that knew us knew how much we were in love, were best friends/soul mates/heart mates & loved each other. We never crowded each other--always gave each other space even when in the same home together. We could talk about any subject & had many of the same interests but enough little differences to make our relationship interesting--never boring.

So, please give yourself some time to grief but don't wallow. I got a good workbook on grieving as it's easy to get caught up and 'stuck' after awhile. However, if u had a wonderful relationship like I did, u have to ask yourself, "What would my husband want me to do w/my life? Would he want me to worry, to wallow, to grieve forever, to be sad all the time or even most of the time? Or would he want me to laugh, cherish his memory and go on living, be happy?" If someone truly loves u they want what would be best for you. Just because u find yourself laughing at something funny-at a tv show, a joke, a cute movie don't chastise yourself. It was hard--still is but it's easier after almost 2 yrs. to listen to oldies or see a romantic movie w/out thinking of my hubby kissing me or dancing w/me.
One time in our living room in the afternoon, there was a video -country style but more rockabilly style---very, very romantic. I forgot the name. For no reason other than my sweetie was a romantic guy, he took me by the hand and we danced all over the living room. Later, he bought me the album. Again for no reason. I miss him buying me fresh strawberries, a rose or fresh flowers---again no reason. We always gave each other cards-physical. One time I had had a horrible, very stressful week at my fed'l job & he sent me 13 long stemmed roses---loaded with greenery, babies breath & a beenie baby bear-cause I collected them over the years w/a note 'I know u had a difficult week, barb. I hope this will help u feel better. I love u now & forever, Stuie". He sent 13 roses b.c. we were married on the 13th! Isn't that sweet?

Just cherish the years u had together & be glad u found each other.

I didn't have children-out of choice-b.c. Stuie's son-Kevin, had Chrons disease & my niece ended up having it also. It can be inherited but his son was very sick from early age & he couldn't have handled it--at the time --if he'd had another disabled child.
But that's ok. Kevin passed away 02/1999 but I still have a great step-dtr & 3 grandchildren by her. She called me tonight. She's in NY area & I'm far away.
But I