Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Leslie L. Fiorda on October 6, 2009 at 6:55pm

Dear Trevor,
What a tramatic ordeal for you to have gone through. And for your loss, just know I am greiving with you...and praying for you and your family. I lost my son Jordan, in April 29th, 2007. Your story caught my eye, because of your brothers name. I was looking on this {loss of a sibling} site, because I have been trying to better understand what brothers or sisters go through. So that I may help my son and daughter. Thank you for your story. You are very brave, as you tried to save your brother. God Bless you...
I will continue to keep you in my prayers. ....Leslie

Trevor Novak said:

It was 3 a.m. on December 21, 2008 when I got a phone call. I immediately assumed it was my younger brother (19 years of age) who frequently called me at different times of the day and night, usually for a ride to or from work or to a friend's house. I got up to answer the phone but missed the call. The phone rang again before I could check the log and I answered it.

A frantic and concerned voice greeted me. It was my brother's ex-girlfriend (she had moved out of their apartment about a week prior). She explained to me that she was too drunk to drive but that Jordan (my brother) was sending her text messages and she was afraid he was going to hurt himself. I called him for the next ten minutes. I did not invest too much into the concept because he had in the past, used the threat of suicide and in his younger teen years, had a few minor attempts. However, at this point in his life, he was doing better than he had ever done. He was out of trouble, working and living in his own apartment.
I got to his apartment and opened the unlocked front door. The lights were off and both of the bedroom doors were shut (he shared the apartment with his friend). I called his ex-girlfriend and told her that I think he might be sleeping. She convinced me to go into his room and investigate. I went to open the door but it was locked. I wandered around for a minute and called her back. She told me to use a knife to open it because the lock wasn't very good. I popped the lock and entered his bedroom.

It was dark except for a glimmer of light which I did not immediately recognize. I saw a large lump of comforters on his bed. I immediately felt relief and assumed he was asleep. I walked over and casually removed the blankets. He was not there. I thought, "perhaps he has gone for a walk." He frequently went for walks to work out his problems. Then I remembered that his bedroom door was locked and it cannot be locked from the outside. I directed my vision towards the bathroom.

The light was on. I walked over to the door and knocked and yelled for him to answer me. I thought he might have passed out in the bathroom as he sometimes got too drunk and passed out in random places. When I got no response, I knelt down to look under the door. That is when I saw two pairs of socks suspended above the floor.

For some reason, I convinced myself they were simply socks and didn't reason to myself that socks cannot hover over the floor. I reached under and grabbed his ankles. I remember the most intense surge of horror course through my body. I began screaming his name and ran outside to his roommates bedroom and yelled for him to get up. I ran back to the bathroom and began to punch and kick at the part of the door surrounding the handle. I finally broke my way through the door and reached my right arm through, unlocked the door and then I felt his body. I didn't want him to fall when I opened the door, in case he hit his head, so I secured his body with my right arm and opened the door with my left. As I opened the door, I lowered him to the floor. He was 5'11 so when he got the floor, he was blocking the door and I couldnt not open it any further.

Permalink Reply by jackie kelly on October 13, 2009 at 5:10pm

On sept 29 my son shot himself in the head , I had spoken to him about a half hr early , my daily call to him to see how he was doing , that day he told me " mom I don't think I can do it anymore' , and of course i got a little angry and said yes you can you have 3 children that love you more than anything,and i love you , He hung up , I text him ,told him to stay strong That I loved him,I then got in the shower, got out started blow drying my hair ,and heard the sirens and I new it was terry,He only lived 6 blocks from me. I got the call that his father found him in the tub and he had shot himself..My son is my friend, and I miss him so much ,not a day would go by that i didn't see him or talk to him. And now I fill so empty..

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 13, 2009 at 7:12pm

Hi, left a comment on What I Do Now after the loss of a loved one to suicied just 7 minutes ago. My thoughts and prayers to all.

Permalink Reply by SUE on October 13, 2009 at 11:33pm

Trevor,
I also lost my brother.My only brother. He hung himself.That was 7 years ago today. I do not have the horror of discovery to contend with, I think that would of just about destroyed me.You are very strong.I hope you realize, you tried,you did everything you possibly could, I hope you can find a measure of comfort in that.
I failed my brother, in my heart I know thats true. It sounds to me that you have always been there for yours. You were a good brother Trevor. Im very sorry for your loss.
Sue


Trevor Novak said:

It was 3 a.m. on December 21, 2008 when I got a phone call. I immediately assumed it was my younger brother (19 years of age) who frequently called me at different times of the day and night, usually for a ride to or from work or to a friend's house. I got up to answer the phone but missed the call. The phone rang again before I could check the log and I answered it.

A frantic and concerned voice greeted me. It was my brother's ex-girlfriend (she had moved out of their apartment about a week prior). She explained to me that she was too drunk to drive but that Jordan (my brother) was sending her text messages and she was afraid he was going to hurt himself. I called him for the next ten minutes. I did not invest too much into the concept because he had in the past, used the threat of suicide and in his younger teen years, had a few minor attempts. However, at this point in his life, he was doing better than he had ever done. He was out of trouble, working and living in his own apartment.
I got to his apartment and opened the unlocked front door. The lights were off and both of the bedroom doors were shut (he shared the apartment with his friend). I called his ex-girlfriend and told her that I think he might be sleeping. She convinced me to go into his room and investigate. I went to open the door but it was locked. I wandered around for a minute and called her back. She told me to use a knife to open it because the lock wasn't very good. I popped the lock and entered his bedroom.

It was dark except for a glimmer of light which I did not immediately recognize. I saw a large lump of comforters on his bed. I immediately felt relief and assumed he was asleep. I walked over and casually removed the blankets. He was not there. I thought, "perhaps he has gone for a walk." He frequently went for walks to work out his problems. Then I remembered that his bedroom door was locked and it cannot be locked from the outside. I directed my vision towards the bathroom.

The light was on. I walked over to the door and knocked and yelled for him to answer me. I thought he might have passed out in the bathroom as he sometimes got too drunk and passed out in random places. When I got no response, I knelt down to look under the door. That is when I saw two pairs of socks suspended above the floor.

For some reason, I convinced myself they were simply socks and didn't reason to myself that socks cannot hover over the floor. I reached under and grabbed his ankles. I remember the most intense surge of horror course through my body. I began screaming his name and ran outside to his roommates bedroom and yelled for him to get up. I ran back to the bathroom and began to punch and kick at the part of the door surrounding the handle. I finally broke my way through the door and reached my right arm through, unlocked the door and then I felt his body. I didn't want him to fall when I opened the door, in case he hit his head, so I secured his body with my right arm and opened the door with my left. As I opened the door, I lowered him to the floor. He was 5'11 so when he got the floor, he was blocking the door and I couldnt not open it any further.

I climbed up through the top part of the door because I was able to wedge it further and landed on the sink. I jumped to the floor. The first thing I saw was the chair. I looked over and saw my brother slouched against the door, his head leaning over onto is shoulder. I grabbed his head, and held it. I kissed his forehead and rubbed his dreadlocks. His eyes were rolled slightly back into his head but I remember my eyes locking with his and I stared into his pupils. There was no life left in his eyes. Despite this perception, it didn't occur to me that he was dead. I inspected his neck and only found minor abrasions. However, I knew that his neck was completely broken but I my mind could not apprehend it.

I just screamed. We performed CPR but we could not save him.

Permalink Reply by Pam on October 13, 2009 at 11:54pm

my brother shot himself in the head last week October 8,2009. he said he couldnt deal with our mothers cancer and maybe losing her first. Im very angry and feel it was a selfish thing to do. he battled with drugs and alcohol for over 20 years and could not break free of the demon. i had to tell our mother who is now going through chemo and battling herself this ugly disease. in going through hell help.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 14, 2009 at 8:49am

Pam Cardinale said:

my brother shot himself in the head last week October 8,2009. he said he couldnt deal with our mothers cancer and maybe losing her first. Im very angry and feel it was a selfish thing to do. he battled with drugs and alcohol for over 20 years and could not break free of the demon. i had to tell our mother who is now going through chemo and battling herself this ugly disease. in going through hell help.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 14, 2009 at 8:50am

amaryllis said:

Pam Cardinale said:

my brother shot himself in the head last week October 8,2009. he said he couldnt deal with our mothers cancer and maybe losing her first. Im very angry and feel it was a selfish thing to do. he battled with drugs and alcohol for over 20 years and could not break free of the demon. i had to tell our mother who is now going through chemo and battling herself this ugly disease. in going through hell help.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 14, 2009 at 8:51am

amaryllis said:

amaryllis said:

Pam Cardinale said:

my brother shot himself in the head last week October 8,2009. he said he couldnt deal with our mothers cancer and maybe losing her first. Im very angry and feel it was a selfish thing to do. he battled with drugs and alcohol for over 20 years and could not break free of the demon. i had to tell our mother who is now going through chemo and battling herself this ugly disease. in going through hell help.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 14, 2009 at 9:01am

Hi Pam, so sorry I am as I read and re -read it all. I can imagine the pain of your grief, the concern towards your mom. My prayers and my loving thoughts are with you.


amaryllis said:

amaryllis said:

amaryllis said:

Pam Cardinale said:

my brother shot himself in the head last week October 8,2009. he said he couldnt deal with our mothers cancer and maybe losing her first. Im very angry and feel it was a selfish thing to do. he battled with drugs and alcohol for over 20 years and could not break free of the demon. i had to tell our mother who is now going through chemo and battling herself this ugly disease. in going through hell help.

Permalink Reply by michelle foster on October 17, 2009 at 9:19pm

i lost my mother to suicide a year ago and i have major trama. she was and is my best friend! i found her... amy way i understand your pain and deep hurt!

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 19, 2009 at 6:25pm

michelle foster said:

i lost my mother to suicide a year ago and i have major trama. she was and is my best friend! i found her... amy way i understand your pain and deep hurt!

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on October 25, 2009 at 10:45pm

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

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