Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kathy M on November 1, 2012 at 6:16pm

Lisa Tyda said:

Good morning - I am new to this...I tried to join another site, but I don't think it was one for suicide. So, hopefully, I have connected to the site that is appropriate for me.  I walked in the Out of the Darkness walk yesterday for my sister.  She committed suicide (oh, that word!!!) on June 15th 2012.  Just shy of her 42nd bday.  The shock wears off and now one could scream and never stop....

Permalink Reply by Kathy M on November 1, 2012 at 6:42pm

Lisa, im pretty much the same as you with regards to this site. My only brother and sibling died by sucide last January and my world has turned upside down. Denis was 40, he showed no signs of being unhappy or depressed.(we now know he was suffering silently) Our Dad died 22 years ago after an ilness , so I looked up to Denis as my father figure as years went on. My Mom raised us single handed after that. I have spent the last 10 months in a fog trying to understand where it all went so wrong, he was a great person, my Rock through my teenage years (he was the sensible one!!) The flash backs, the waves of sadness,anger, shock, everyday is different .....reality. I hope the sun will shine for us someday soon.

Permalink Reply by Hallie on November 20, 2012 at 4:11pm

Honestly, all of these stories break my heart.  I wish that those that are considering suicide realized what the impact is on the survivors.

Permalink Reply by rachel on November 29, 2012 at 5:18pm

It breaks my heart to know that other people feel this way, it has been 6 months and i decided to have a look at a website to try to see someway thru this, but everyone here is heartbroken, i cant see how it helps.

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 29, 2012 at 8:03pm

Hi Rachel.  Losing my son put me in a place all to myself.  I felt so alone.  It gave me immense comfort to be among others who knew and understood my pain.  People could sympathize with me, but these people really knew firsthand what I was feeling inside.  Their stories are like mine, tragic loss.  But there is strength in our numbers, and we offer our support and strengthen each other with our understanding and compassion.  Give it time, it will hopefully have that effect upon you as well.  Hugs and prayers for your healing process.

rachel said:

It breaks my heart to know that other people feel this way, it has been 6 months and i decided to have a look at a website to try to see someway thru this, but everyone here is heartbroken, i cant see how it helps.

Permalink Reply by Ciera McCaig on November 30, 2012 at 7:02pm

December 19th will mark the fifth anniversary from the day he left the 5 of us his children. I remember the last time we spoke on the phone it was a month after my 18th birthday. We spoke of the other 4 children as I am the oldest I had already gotten married and he joked of wanting to become a grandparent. I remember growing up and knowing nothing of suicide until at the age of 14 my mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 27. Thats the first time I remember anything in regards to suicide. I remember the first time my father called me to his room, you have to understand the day my mother died was the day I started to loose my daddy. He called me to his room and started telling me how it was going to be my responsibility to make sure that my brothers and sisters were taken care of. I didn't understand till I saw the gun I remember the fear I had that I was going to loose my daddy I had just lost my mommy. I called my dads best friend who immediately came over and helped my dad. There were several episodes after this one but he always seemed to get better. At 15 I started cutting not understanding what I was doing all I knew is that the pain went away for a little. A couple months after the cutting I intentionally overdosed myself and slit my wrist. I remember the ICU and my dads face he couldn't look me in the eyes, I spent my 16th birthday alone because it hurt everyone to much to be around me after what I had done. That was the moment that everything clicked I was strong I could be even stronger for my family I never wanted to hurt them I never meant to. Ill never forget the hurt in my dads eyes. That was also the moment he stopped threatening suicide himself. After 2 years of getting better together and no suicide threats I thought we were all better. I never thought he would do anything to hurt us after the hurt he endured over me. The day I received the phone call I was on my way to work thousands of miles from any of my family other than my husband who was a marine and at work himself. I was alone when the phone call came it was my little brother he wasn't crying or anything all he said was sis its dad he hung himself. I think I was in shock because I asked why he would joke about something so serious he was only 15 that's when he started to cry. I knew then he wasn't joking I had no idea what to do or say. I promised my brother I would make everything better I promised but I had no idea how. I remember hanging the phone up and calling my husband at work I remember falling to the floor and screaming he couldn't understand anything i was saying I don't know how long I sat there screaming but I remember him walking threw the door with two other people. They instantly sprang into action looking for tickets to go to my 4 brothers and sisters I was 18 the oldest of 5. I remember calling my brother back and he told me the hospital my father was rushed to, he didn't die instantly from hanging himself as he had severed his brain stem and was currently on life support in a coma. I thank god everyday for the people who helped care for my brothers and sisters while I tried to get there as quick as possible, child protective services were threatening to step in being there was no guardian for the children till I got there fortunately their were friends of my father who kept that from happening till I got there. I don't remember much except for the hurt. Every delay I had at the airport I would call the hospital and the nurses would hold the phone to my dads ear and I would talk to him the whole time till it was time to catch the next plane.Once I made it to the hospital I remember the immediate stress I had 4 kids counting on me, I was in charge of my father and the decisions that needed to be made regarding his condition. I was only 18, I had just turned 18 and all this was mine and mine alone to deal with. I remember the moment I first seen my father while trying to be strong for 4 other children who didn't understand either. I tried not to cry but the bruises were so bad and he no longer looked like my daddy. My little brother found him hanging in my little sisters room while all the other kids were at school. He cutt the belt my father had used and started CPR. I didn't know how to help him, myself or the others. A couple hours after arriving the nurses started explaining my dad coma and the fact that no one had ever woken from the coma my dad was in. he wasn't breathing on his own and I needed to make the decision to take him off life support. I have never encountered another decision that was that hard. I made the decision to take my last parent off life support, 3 days later my dad died from kidney failure I had fallen asleep next to him in the bed with my head resting on his chest I think i woke up the second he took his last breath. I remember the nurses running in I tried my hardest to be strong but I couldn't. I remember screaming at them begging them not to take my daddy he was my daddy even if he wasn't there anymore I just needed more time. The next few days were spent planning a funeral in a fog. Money was hard I was only 18 I had just started my life. My husband ended up finding the means to bury my dad by expanding one of our credit cards. He was buried a few days after Christmas right next to my mother. Two weeks after his funeral I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I never dealt with his death because I had to be strong for my brothers and sisters and then I had happiness I was going to be a mommy. For the past 5 years without realizing I was doing it I built walls around myself everyone I loved left me. I blocked everyone out including my own husband. I felt rejected by my father. Theres a lot of things I have kept bottled for almost 5 years now that I have to let out and deal with. I'm not the person I should be because I haven't dealt with my fathers death. I have severe anxiety since my father I always assume I'm not good enough to love anymore, after all my daddy couldn't love me enough. I know this isn't the case at all. I just have to learn how to get past 5 years of festered emotions and no idea how. But today for the first time I have told alot of his story and my story. These are my first steps to get myself back.

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on November 30, 2012 at 7:30pm

• Be strong for your child, your husband and your siblings. You can do it, and your dad will help.

• I ask my son for help with little favours, and you cannot believe the little good things that happen!

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on November 30, 2012 at 8:03pm

Dear Ciera,

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Bless your heart, you have had a very hard time of it, and there is so much on you and for you to process.  You had so much--too much--responsibility laid on you too young.  Though your fears have caused you to insulate your heart, I still consider you a walking breathing miracle.  I'm glad you are finding yourself in a place to open up to the extent that you have, by sharing your story here now with us.  You are instinctively putting yourself on the path of healing.

I hope very much that you are reaching out for resources to help you walk through all this pain and the anxiety it has caused you.  Have you thought about speaking with a counselor yet?  One who is well qualified in grief recovery?  There are self help groups for anxiety as well as grief recovery.  Check NAMI in your area for resources dealing with anxiety disorders, and Survivors of Suicide for suicide loss recovery. 

You are in my prayers and thoughts as you approach another difficult anniversary of your father's death.  Just take things a day at a time, moment by moment, and remember not to do it alone.  Reach out and secure as many supports as you can to help you.

Hugs,

Theresa

Ciera McCaig said:

December 19th will mark the fifth anniversary from the day he left the 5 of us his children. I remember the last time we spoke on the phone it was a month after my 18th birthday. We spoke of the other 4 children as I am the oldest I had already gotten married and he joked of wanting to become a grandparent. I remember growing up and knowing nothing of suicide until at the age of 14 my mother died of ovarian cancer at the age of 27. Thats the first time I remember anything in regards to suicide. I remember the first time my father called me to his room, you have to understand the day my mother died was the day I started to loose my daddy. He called me to his room and started telling me how it was going to be my responsibility to make sure that my brothers and sisters were taken care of. I didn't understand till I saw the gun I remember the fear I had that I was going to loose my daddy I had just lost my mommy. I called my dads best friend who immediately came over and helped my dad. There were several episodes after this one but he always seemed to get better. At 15 I started cutting not understanding what I was doing all I knew is that the pain went away for a little. A couple months after the cutting I intentionally overdosed myself and slit my wrist. I remember the ICU and my dads face he couldn't look me in the eyes, I spent my 16th birthday alone because it hurt everyone to much to be around me after what I had done. That was the moment that everything clicked I was strong I could be even stronger for my family I never wanted to hurt them I never meant to. Ill never forget the hurt in my dads eyes. That was also the moment he stopped threatening suicide himself. After 2 years of getting better together and no suicide threats I thought we were all better. I never thought he would do anything to hurt us after the hurt he endured over me. The day I received the phone call I was on my way to work thousands of miles from any of my family other than my husband who was a marine and at work himself. I was alone when the phone call came it was my little brother he wasn't crying or anything all he said was sis its dad he hung himself. I think I was in shock because I asked why he would joke about something so serious he was only 15 that's when he started to cry. I knew then he wasn't joking I had no idea what to do or say. I promised my brother I would make everything better I promised but I had no idea how. I remember hanging the phone up and calling my husband at work I remember falling to the floor and screaming he couldn't understand anything i was saying I don't know how long I sat there screaming but I remember him walking threw the door with two other people. They instantly sprang into action looking for tickets to go to my 4 brothers and sisters I was 18 the oldest of 5. I remember calling my brother back and he told me the hospital my father was rushed to, he didn't die instantly from hanging himself as he had severed his brain stem and was currently on life support in a coma. I thank god everyday for the people who helped care for my brothers and sisters while I tried to get there as quick as possible, child protective services were threatening to step in being there was no guardian for the children till I got there fortunately their were friends of my father who kept that from happening till I got there. I don't remember much except for the hurt. Every delay I had at the airport I would call the hospital and the nurses would hold the phone to my dads ear and I would talk to him the whole time till it was time to catch the next plane.Once I made it to the hospital I remember the immediate stress I had 4 kids counting on me, I was in charge of my father and the decisions that needed to be made regarding his condition. I was only 18, I had just turned 18 and all this was mine and mine alone to deal with. I remember the moment I first seen my father while trying to be strong for 4 other children who didn't understand either. I tried not to cry but the bruises were so bad and he no longer looked like my daddy. My little brother found him hanging in my little sisters room while all the other kids were at school. He cutt the belt my father had used and started CPR. I didn't know how to help him, myself or the others. A couple hours after arriving the nurses started explaining my dad coma and the fact that no one had ever woken from the coma my dad was in. he wasn't breathing on his own and I needed to make the decision to take him off life support. I have never encountered another decision that was that hard. I made the decision to take my last parent off life support, 3 days later my dad died from kidney failure I had fallen asleep next to him in the bed with my head resting on his chest I think i woke up the second he took his last breath. I remember the nurses running in I tried my hardest to be strong but I couldn't. I remember screaming at them begging them not to take my daddy he was my daddy even if he wasn't there anymore I just needed more time. The next few days were spent planning a funeral in a fog. Money was hard I was only 18 I had just started my life. My husband ended up finding the means to bury my dad by expanding one of our credit cards. He was buried a few days after Christmas right next to my mother. Two weeks after his funeral I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I never dealt with his death because I had to be strong for my brothers and sisters and then I had happiness I was going to be a mommy. For the past 5 years without realizing I was doing it I built walls around myself everyone I loved left me. I blocked everyone out including my own husband. I felt rejected by my father. Theres a lot of things I have kept bottled for almost 5 years now that I have to let out and deal with. I'm not the person I should be because I haven't dealt with my fathers death. I have severe anxiety since my father I always assume I'm not good enough to love anymore, after all my daddy couldn't love me enough. I know this isn't the case at all. I just have to learn how to get past 5 years of festered emotions and no idea how. But today for the first time I have told alot of his story and my story. These are my first steps to get myself back.

Permalink Reply by Erica Shepherd on November 30, 2012 at 8:42pm

Well where to begin i was  7 years old when i lost my mom to cancer i dont remember much when it comes to her other then she was a wonderful person. I was 13 when i lost my dad to suicide he hung himself in my room. I remember that morning like it was yesterday i had went to school that day i remember leaving for school and daddy saying he was going to go give blood for money we didnt have much then so this was i was of him getting a little cash. He said love you honey have a good day i went on about my day and was in 6 period when i was told i was going home then was not something that happened often so i suspected something was wrong i went down to the nurses office to find a friend bobby there and my dads cousin and they both were crying i didnt understand what was going on they wouldnt tell me nothing until we pulled up to a friends house and i went inside trying to figure out what was going on when she told me my daddy had hung himself i remember running out to the road crying saying this isnt true i ran all the way to my house to find the police carrying out the belt that he had hung himself with i cried out for my daddy wanting nothing more then him to come outside and hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok we went to the hospital to find out he was in a coma due to the cut off of the circlation. Me and my dad had this song he loved for me to sing jesus take the wheel i sit there and sung it to him begging for him to please come back that i couldnt live without him i was a daddys girl i couldnt see life without my dad i held his hand untill they told me i had to go i went home to the house it all happen and layed in my room wondering what i did to deserve my daddy doing this to himself  i blamed myself for this. I remember things being the same for a couple days until one day i woke up inside the house by myself i called a friend they came and got me and took me to the hospital no one was there so i didnt understand i just sit and talked to my dad until i got a phone call saying i needed to come home. Once home my brothers and sister sat me down and told me we had to make the hardest decision we ever had to make and that was to take him off lifesupport i did not want to do this i believed so strong he would come back that he was still holding on for us kids i didnt think he would live of with nothing but eachother we needed him. When finally my sister told me we could donate a bone out of daddy that it would save anothers life that daddy was already gone and the day they took him off life support he took him last breath i was not here for this but i remember looking up into the sky and seeing this bird then my aunt coming up to me and saying hes gone i said no aunt he cant be i cant lose him i need him but it was already to late. The next couple days was a blur i was in and out but at his funeral i was so scared i didnt want to see him like that but i had to say my goodbyes. After a couple of weeks i would have these dreams of daddy telling me it was fault it hurt so bad i didnt understand the dreams but i still to this day dont understand why he did what he did but this is the first time ive ever told my story and i believe it does help thanks sis

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on November 30, 2012 at 8:53pm

For Ciera and Erica:

Now Know We Not the Meaning of Life's Sorrow

 

Now know we not the meaning of life's sorrow,
Now know we not the pattern God has planned.
But comes the dawn of His all glorious morrow,
Then shall we know; then shall we understand. 

Then shall we know the love that passes measure,
Then shall we read the mysteries of grace;
Then shall we know eternal truth and treasure;
Then shall we see our Savior, face to face!

 

Permalink Reply by rachel on December 3, 2012 at 6:43pm

Thank you, it really hurts to know that other people feel the same way cos i wouldnt want anyone to feel it, but obviously thats not possible, i dont want anyone else to feel it x

Theresa Sweaney said:

Hi Rachel.  Losing my son put me in a place all to myself.  I felt so alone.  It gave me immense comfort to be among others who knew and understood my pain.  People could sympathize with me, but these people really knew firsthand what I was feeling inside.  Their stories are like mine, tragic loss.  But there is strength in our numbers, and we offer our support and strengthen each other with our understanding and compassion.  Give it time, it will hopefully have that effect upon you as well.  Hugs and prayers for your healing process.

rachel said:

It breaks my heart to know that other people feel this way, it has been 6 months and i decided to have a look at a website to try to see someway thru this, but everyone here is heartbroken, i cant see how it helps.

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on December 19, 2012 at 10:53am

Best wishes for strength today to Ciera. Remember the good, pleasant times.

David.

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