Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on December 19, 2012 at 10:58am

Permalink Reply by Ciera McCaig on December 19, 2012 at 11:57am

To my daddy on this fifth anniversary. Times are rough but I know you are where your meant to be. Thank you david this day is always a hard one.

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on December 19, 2012 at 12:03pm

Beautiful poem. Beautiful drawing. He must be proud.

Permalink Reply by Tamika on December 31, 2012 at 11:59am

Another year that my Brother is not here. I still just don't know why he would just leave in November of 2013 it will be year 6. I still just wish that day that decision was not made. This year I feel good that he is not alone My Father has been up there with him for 3 months now. I'm being strong because they would hate for me to fall apart. But I really needed my brother these last 3 months. I'm in pain. But I'm making it bearable. I love you Baby bro. Your 6th Angel Anniversary coming up.

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 3, 2013 at 5:49pm

It has been 101 days since he ended his pain by hanging himself.

He was me, I was him.  He has left this earthly place.  I am lost.  From the first day that I met him in August of 1995, I recognized myself in him.  He was a melancholy soul and so was I.  When we met we were already so very broken that we actually made sense.  I loved his melancholy soul and I loved that he understood mine.  I have searched everywhere for him.  Any little piece I can find.  I have been through every picture for what seems a thousand times.  There he is looking back at me but I can not will him back to life no matter how hard I try.  When we first met, I was scouting out whether or not I wanted to move here from Texas.  It was by chance that we met.  We were inseparable from the moment we met until I had to go back.  We wrote letters back and forth while I was saving enough money to move.  I have read and reread our letters to each other.  I keep saying I will not read them again but I can not help myself.  It is all I have left that feels like he is speaking to me.  I wish I could actually hear his voice again.  When I finally moved here, everything was like it was meant to be.  I was scattered and crazy, he was calm and gentle.  When I would have a hard time, he would hold me a stroke my hair and pet me until I was calm again.  He was happy at those times because he knew he was saving me from myself.  I was and still am very self loathing.  I just hide it well in public.  But right now I am finding it beyond difficult to deal with.  I am consumed with so many emotions that I can hardly breathe at any given moment.  I always knew he had a lovely sadness about him.  It made him more precious to me.  I never thought he would ever kill himself, I just thought it was the way he was.  I am unable to think of anything else at all.  He never felt he was worthy of any love he received even though he was dearly loved.  He had a wicked wit, sharp and biting but self-deprecating alot of the time.  Everyone just laughed because he was so damned funny.  I saw his pain but I carried my own heavy burden and I was sure he could handle his.  He was half in the dark and I was half in the light.  As I read the silly singles ad that he wrote as a joke to send me in one of his first letters, I can see it now plain as day.  It began: DWM, one foot in the grave...  And that was 17 and half years ago. He also mentions several times throughout his letters things like If I die tonight and If tommorrow never comes.  He always preceded or followed these statements with a dark joke.  I have been looking any where I can to try to stop this pain.  Nothing can stop it.  It is like a freight train running me over and over again.  I will say that reading words of other people who have been facing this at least makes not feel insane.  It makes me sad though because everyone, no matter how time has passed whether it be recent or years ago, can not ever get over their beloved killing themselves.  I know I never will but I have to at least find a way to function and get through my life at least at work to begin with.  I do not have anyone to talk to as everyone wants to act like he did actually commit suicide but that he just died.  Well he did commit suicide, he choose it.  I just do not want to understand the "Why".  There is no "Why" that will satisfy my ripped to shreds heart and soul.  I have to find a way to function at work.  If I could I would crawl under a rock and never come out.  I can not.  I have my son to think about.  I am scared for him.  He has been severely depressed since he was 13, he is now 18.  He has threatened suicide, his poetry is very disturbing.  I have taken him to so many therapists and psychiatrists.  Some days are good and some days are bad and that's how life goes.  I could not bring myself to tell him how Don died.  I thought it would somehow validate that suicide is okay.  I have always told him that if he kills himself he kills me too.  I realize I couldn't have been more right after reading the grief of the mothers whose sons have done it and how I feel now that he did it.  I want my love back and I want my son to never make the same choice.  I am lost at sea with my head barely above water.  I must find a way to make it to shore.  I really agree with the people who wish they could be who they were before.  I am not the same person.  I  am changed for all eternity.  How do I go on?

 

Permalink Reply by David, BERNIE's dad on January 3, 2013 at 8:00pm

Michelle, my heart goes out to you and your son, on the day 16 months after my own son died of natural causes. I am 74, and in a long life have never had a greater loss since my own father and mother died. But parents dying is expected, sad but the right order of things. I still cannot believe he left before me!

I am not a shrink or any other medical type, but I must tell you this truism:

YOU CANNOT KEEP ON DOING THE SAME THING, AND EXPECT TO GET A DIFFERENT RESULT.

Your son must break from his present activities and find a new interest. HE MUST DO SOMETHING NEW!

What are his interests?  Writing?  Gardening?  Biking?  Athletic games? (Please try to keep him away from computer games!)

Bernie died near the end of 2011, and although I live in a temperate climate, I could not start gardening for him until the next Spring.  His little public memorial garden bloomed and bloomed like it was possessed!  You can see pics on my page (click on my name and go to photos). After a night of frost, I was still able to photograph his last Shasta Daisy THIS MORNING!  It has been my therapy, my somewhere-to-go, and something-to-do. Find out what his MAIN INTEREST IS, and let him meet an EXPERT IN THAT FIELD. Maybe he can stay there for a few weeks as a form of apprenticeship, working for his room and board.

He can write to me if he wants, and you certainly can, and a strong new interest can be dedicated to his dad, and will absorb his emotions (and yours too!) in a way that you can hardly imagine!

Please believe me.  et me know.  Kindest regards, David. 

 

Permalink Reply by Michelle on January 4, 2013 at 10:18am

David,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I think your memorial garden and the pictures of your son are beautiful.  I am glad you have such a meaningful way of remembering your Bernie.  A garden just keeps giving beauty and love over and over again.  I am sure he is looking down from heaven and enjoying the view.  I appreciate your kind words and the truism.  It is so exactly on the mark.  I really needed to hear it.  I do feel as if I am repeating the same actions.  I must shift gears and try very hard to do something different, anything different.  I am trying to get my son expand his activities but he is very resistant.  He loves to draw so I to make sure he has all the supplies he needs.  He creates art in all mediums.  I am trying really hard to see if I can get him to enroll in some type of art classes this spring.  I hope I can convince him.  Some days he's interested, some days he's not.  He knows he needs to do something.  The depression just stops him in his tracks.  Right now I am trying to focus on helping him get his license.  I already have the car(just a beater as it is all I can afford).  it is a good starter car though.  He is finally driving me around in my car.  That took a monumental effort to get him to do that.  I hope it is a good start.  I firmly believe in my heart that if he could get around that he would be more motivated.  I know that I can not escape my pain but I must push through it.  I journal all the time as means of coping with Don's suicide.  I have read a few some books on being the survivor of suicide.  Both help me to wrap my head around the regret, sadness and loss.  I am making a list of things that I need to get done.  I hope it will keep me on track as I get easily distracted by my grief.  If you pray, say one for us.  I will say one for you and Bernie everyday when I pray.

 

Again thanks for the kind words, Michelle
 
David, Bernie's dad said:

Michelle, my heart goes out to you and your son, on the day 16 months after my own son died of natural causes. I am 74, and in a long life have never had a greater loss since my own father and mother died. But parents dying is expected, sad but the right order of things. I still cannot believe he left before me!

I am not a shrink or any other medical type, but I must tell you this truism:

YOU CANNOT KEEP ON DOING THE SAME THING, AND EXPECT TO GET A DIFFERENT RESULT.

Your son must break from his present activities and find a new interest. HE MUST DO SOMETHING NEW!

What are his interests?  Writing?  Gardening?  Biking?  Athletic games? (Please try to keep him away from computer games!)

Bernie died near the end of 2011, and although I live in a temperate climate, I could not start gardening for him until the next Spring.  His little public memorial garden bloomed and bloomed like it was possessed!  You can see pics on my page (click on my name and go to photos). After a night of frost, I was still able to photograph his last Shasta Daisy THIS MORNING!  It has been my therapy, my somewhere-to-go, and something-to-do. Find out what his MAIN INTEREST IS, and let him meet an EXPERT IN THAT FIELD. Maybe he can stay there for a few weeks as a form of apprenticeship, working for his room and board.

He can write to me if he wants, and you certainly can, and a strong new interest can be dedicated to his dad, and will absorb his emotions (and yours too!) in a way that you can hardly imagine!

Please believe me.  et me know.  Kindest regards, David. 

 

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on January 4, 2013 at 5:51pm

Dear Michelle, reaching shore again may well be the hardest thing we ever do.  The pain is still so raw for you now, as you are only 3+ months since your terrible loss.  As David says, surround yourself and loved ones with as many protective supports as possible to help you through this.  We cannot do it alone, we need as many helpers as we can connect to.  Thank you for sharing your experience with us here.  It really does help each of us to grow and heal as we link stories, hearts, and lives in a common goal to survive our loss, and learn how to reconnect with and regain our lives, and hopefully also purpose and even to experience joy again someday.  I lost my son Charles 19 mos ago.  It is not near as hard for me as it was, but I won't lie to you, sadness is a constant.  But so is joy sometimes now, even though it is partnered with sadness.  I am a stronger person today, so I am able to bear my loss better with each new phase of this grief process/journey.  I hope this gives you hope and encourages your broken heart to carry on and work through the hard times ahead.  Take good care, gentle hugs to you.

Michelle said:

It has been 101 days since he ended his pain by hanging himself.

He was me, I was him.  He has left this earthly place.  I am lost.  From the first day that I met him in August of 1995, I recognized myself in him.  He was a melancholy soul and so was I.  When we met we were already so very broken that we actually made sense.  I loved his melancholy soul and I loved that he understood mine.  I have searched everywhere for him.  Any little piece I can find.  I have been through every picture for what seems a thousand times.  There he is looking back at me but I can not will him back to life no matter how hard I try.  When we first met, I was scouting out whether or not I wanted to move here from Texas.  It was by chance that we met.  We were inseparable from the moment we met until I had to go back.  We wrote letters back and forth while I was saving enough money to move.  I have read and reread our letters to each other.  I keep saying I will not read them again but I can not help myself.  It is all I have left that feels like he is speaking to me.  I wish I could actually hear his voice again.  When I finally moved here, everything was like it was meant to be.  I was scattered and crazy, he was calm and gentle.  When I would have a hard time, he would hold me a stroke my hair and pet me until I was calm again.  He was happy at those times because he knew he was saving me from myself.  I was and still am very self loathing.  I just hide it well in public.  But right now I am finding it beyond difficult to deal with.  I am consumed with so many emotions that I can hardly breathe at any given moment.  I always knew he had a lovely sadness about him.  It made him more precious to me.  I never thought he would ever kill himself, I just thought it was the way he was.  I am unable to think of anything else at all.  He never felt he was worthy of any love he received even though he was dearly loved.  He had a wicked wit, sharp and biting but self-deprecating alot of the time.  Everyone just laughed because he was so damned funny.  I saw his pain but I carried my own heavy burden and I was sure he could handle his.  He was half in the dark and I was half in the light.  As I read the silly singles ad that he wrote as a joke to send me in one of his first letters, I can see it now plain as day.  It began: DWM, one foot in the grave...  And that was 17 and half years ago. He also mentions several times throughout his letters things like If I die tonight and If tommorrow never comes.  He always preceded or followed these statements with a dark joke.  I have been looking any where I can to try to stop this pain.  Nothing can stop it.  It is like a freight train running me over and over again.  I will say that reading words of other people who have been facing this at least makes not feel insane.  It makes me sad though because everyone, no matter how time has passed whether it be recent or years ago, can not ever get over their beloved killing themselves.  I know I never will but I have to at least find a way to function and get through my life at least at work to begin with.  I do not have anyone to talk to as everyone wants to act like he did actually commit suicide but that he just died.  Well he did commit suicide, he choose it.  I just do not want to understand the "Why".  There is no "Why" that will satisfy my ripped to shreds heart and soul.  I have to find a way to function at work.  If I could I would crawl under a rock and never come out.  I can not.  I have my son to think about.  I am scared for him.  He has been severely depressed since he was 13, he is now 18.  He has threatened suicide, his poetry is very disturbing.  I have taken him to so many therapists and psychiatrists.  Some days are good and some days are bad and that's how life goes.  I could not bring myself to tell him how Don died.  I thought it would somehow validate that suicide is okay.  I have always told him that if he kills himself he kills me too.  I realize I couldn't have been more right after reading the grief of the mothers whose sons have done it and how I feel now that he did it.  I want my love back and I want my son to never make the same choice.  I am lost at sea with my head barely above water.  I must find a way to make it to shore.  I really agree with the people who wish they could be who they were before.  I am not the same person.  I  am changed for all eternity.  How do I go on?

 

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on January 4, 2013 at 6:13pm

Michele, one thing more came to mind.  NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) offers peer support groups for individuals suffering from depression or other life-threatening brain disorders.  Maybe your son or you would benefit from being with others to learn more ways to build resilience.  And I love your idea about the art classes, maybe gift him with them for his birthday or a late Christmas gift, and he'll be more likely to cooperate and attend them!

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=Your_Local_NAMI&Templa...

Permalink Reply by Tammy Cameron on January 11, 2013 at 10:56am

I lost my mother to suicide 7 months ago. I've finally hit the acceptance stage of grieving but it's still very painful. I can smile thinking of find memories and feel more at peace.

Permalink Reply by Tammy Cameron on January 11, 2013 at 11:02am

We are forever changed by their departure from this earth. Through the sadness important lessons are learned and for me I have learned to appreciate everything around me and to be more kind to those around us. You never know what the person sitting beside you in a public place has been through. I've also learned to be more kind to myself and love myself like my mother loved me.

Permalink Reply by Theresa Sweaney on January 11, 2013 at 2:53pm

What a blessing, Tammy, and so soon after your loss.  It is apparent you must be actively working through your grief process.  Don't be surprised by apparent regressions from time to time, but the forward movement will still continue!  xOxO

Tammy Cameron said:

I lost my mother to suicide 7 months ago. I've finally hit the acceptance stage of grieving but it's still very painful. I can smile thinking of find memories and feel more at peace.

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