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Permalink Reply by Linda on December 5, 2008 at 6:49am

My heart goes out to each and everyone , I lost my older brother, Dean, to suicide May 6th, 2008, He shot himself. Even though I am the oldest out of six children, Dean being the third one born and first son, he was like an older brother. Receiving that call on that morning will forever reply in my mind each and every day as it has since May 6th..He and I were together the night before. He had drove me home from our mothers house ...about a 45 minute drive, He pulled into my driveway and I got out and thanked him for the ride home and turned walking up the walkway to my door...He yelled to me,,,"Hey Lin"...Love ya!"...I turned around , threw an" I love you back"..and walked on in my house. But This wasn't like my brother to voice his feelings and show emotion..but the last year he was doing just that more and more.
He backed out and pulled away. About an hour or so later he and one of my other brothers come back to get on my computer for soemthing or another. Dean just sat waiting as my brother , Bob, does what he has to do online, Dean and I talk about this and that. Get him a soft drink, have a few laughs..and then Dean asks me" Hey Lin, That gun of mine you have put away in your closet??...Would ya get it for me...a buddy wants to buy it.". Let me explain about the gun briefly...about 2 or 3 weeks prior to this night...Bob,,stops by my house in Deans car..surfing the web a little and we chat..he tells me that in the trunk of Deans car is a rifle that Dean had bought that day...well..I knew Dean would probably be mad as hell at me ..but I didn't care, that gun was coming out of his trunk and into my house until I felt I could trust him not doing something foolish. There were no bullets in it, I put it in the furthest part of my closet and told Bob he can tell Dean I have it but under no certain terms will I give it back to him when he has been talking suicide off and on for about a year. Dean never asked me for it, never even mentioned it until the night he and Bob came over after dropping me off only an hour prior.
Well..I say to Dean, If you have a buddy who wants to buy it then get him on the phone and give him directions to my house, he can come here. Nope, this wasn't good enough ,,,And Dean knew I wasn't going to just hand it over. So I tell him,,,Get the guy on the phone and I'll confirm it. Well, this wasn't going his way and he was getting irritated. This is one of my brother's shortcomings...he had a temper and he and I over the years had had our share of arguements..and I wasn't really wanting to go through another one with him..he and I hadn't spoke for over a year going on two..and the past 8 months had been so good betwwen us..I just didn't want this to happen again.
I looked at him.."Dean, you swear your tellin the truth"?..Yes, he says, of course.
But he was quite hot under the color and I knew he could explode at any moment. Reluctently, I go get the gun, wrap it in a flannel sheet and make him promise again. But I felt something that wasn't a good feeling,,,but then I thought, he was with Bob so of course Bob wouldn't let him lie about this.
To make this short...the next morning..about 7:15am while I am getting my son up for school...My mother calls"Lin, Hurry get here...Dean shot himself.
Do I blame myself...Of course I do. I have good days, and bad days. But each day I relive it all again.
There is more to this, but for now I will stop here. But I will add this..My brother, My mothers son, died in her arms a few minutes after that call.
Your in my heart and prayers,,,all of you!!
Linda

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on December 5, 2008 at 8:32am

Linda, I'm so sorry for your lose and the last memory you have of him. Please know he would have found a way with or without you giving him that gun. I don't understand all the pain my son was going through but a lot of it, I'm sure stemmed from the April day in 1985 when I had to look him in his beautiful brown eyes and let him know his mom was gone and wouldn't be coming back. He was seven and I know I broke his heart that day. He great up a great big brother to all three of his sisters and I worry for each of them daily. Please take care and love each of your family and friends as if it was the last day you'd get to see them. Sincerely, JBT

Permalink Reply by Debi Tatum on December 18, 2008 at 5:16pm

I lost my only son last month. He died 15 days before his 36th birthday. I am not dealing with this very well. I don't know how and no one says anything to me because they are afraid I will break down. And I will. I need to. I am so angry! And I feel so guilty...... I can't even write about it. I do not know what to do.

Permalink Reply by Linda on December 19, 2008 at 9:36pm

Debbie, I am so sorry for your lose. I honestly don't think any of us knew how to deal with our loved ones death, it's not anything anyone can tell you how to do and it's even worse when others feel they shouldn't talk to you about your son in fear to upset you..What I found is that people wanted to keep my mind focused in other directions because they felt as you saidthat it would cause me to break down but I think also that people really don't understand unless they have lost a loved one as we have that the talking about them..and even about how's and why's are the way we heal through this. I remember just after my brother died no one wanted to talk about him ..only my mother and myself so the two of us were left to talk to one another but I began to get so angered because others that didn't want to talk about Dean would ask us or tell us to not talk about him...well,,I finally said to anyone who felt that way that there was no one that would make me feel uncomfortable talking about my brother and talking about Dean is what I will do for I will be the one to heal from this and those who did the same would follow suit but to make someone feel they cannot go through the healing process because of their fears of remembering or whatever it be is so cruel and selfish. Talk Debbie, talk all you want ,,there are people who will listen and there will be those who won't but let them know you need this in order to move on. We will listen here !
Love and Hugs!
Linda

Permalink Reply by Nancy on December 24, 2008 at 10:59am

Debi,
I also lost my son but have gained a guardian angel, he left us in Novemebr of 2006, he was 29 years old. You will never get over the loss but you will get through it. Family and friends help so much. Its especially hard around holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. No one knows what its like unless they have endured this pain and emptiness. I still continue to look for answers. I think talking about it does help. Sometimes I feel that people avoid talking about him for fear that it will upset me when we both know he is constantly in both our thoughts and prayers. I may appear strong on the outside but my heart is broken and will never mend.
I came across this site and have read many touching emails. I can relate to all of them and my heart reaches out to every one of them. We're all feeling a void in our hearts. The holidays are very hard. We can only hold onto the memories and the knowing that one day we will meet again.
I just wanted you to know that someone is watching over you from above and every day it gets a little better.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely, Nance

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on January 2, 2009 at 6:15pm

Ms. Tatum I'm very sorry for your lose of your son. I understand how it feels that you need to have someone to talk to. Right after Thanksgiving I broke down at work one morning in front of everyone. I was so embarressed, but everyone was so supportive. It just seemed as though everything just piled up on me all at once. I've never had to deal with such a break down ever in my life before. I pray you'll find someone close who can help you deal with the lose of your only son. Take care, JBT

Permalink Reply by devon on December 27, 2008 at 11:30am

There are many beautiful expressions commented in this post board. The geniune concern people have about the loss of a loved one is touching.
What helps me is turning to Gods word and meditating on such scriptures like
1 cor. 15:26 which states, 'the last enemy death is to be brought to nothing."
I truly cannot wait for this to happen for all mankind. We were not created just to live and die, we should live forever.
But sadly this is the reality for us today.
I met a man and explained this to him and he said he just couldn't see that promise from God happening in his time. But I assured him it will come soon. I read to him 1 Tim. 3:1-5, "In the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here.." with that I shared with him what Jesus Christ said would be a sign before the end at Matt. 24:14, that "this good news of the kingdom will be preached in all the enhabited earth...and then the end will come."

Yes, the bible truly gives us hope for our dead loved ones.

Permalink Reply by romy on January 3, 2009 at 7:10pm

I have been following all the entries on suicide and I think about my friend every single day. I feel so much relief and the pain has been so lessened by following the thread that I have responded to. It does help to treasure the memories of the person lost through suicide. There is counceling and there is faith ((I chose faith). Discussing all the circumstances that you must let go to avoid keeping them bottled up inside helps so much. This helped me to remember the friend who committed suicide clearly without judging and to embrace each day knowing that I did the right things all along the way. Finding someone you love after they have committed suicide has it's unique challenges but somehow in my case it was an advantage in closure, I could not deny what I could see. It does not make a person less worthy to have loved or less of a person because they did this to themselves. I say to those few who have asked me how I was doing that it was worth the pain to have known him. It was worth every minute! I believe in God and his forgiveness. I believe in peace after passing on. My dreams reflect there is a better place! Why not see them this way without emotional or physical pain in a beautiful place we may rejoin them in someday? There will always be love thru those tears....

Permalink Reply by romy on January 16, 2009 at 12:20am

Forensics is not an exact science and although I wish there were consistencies in what to expect, there aren't. Each case is different and tests run are different. In my friends case, I found him in the back of his van, he had made a bed and it was if he was sleeping, covered in a beautiful quilt up to his neck. He had used the exhaust by cutting a hole in the bottom of the van so it was pretty obvious to the officers who responded and to the coroner. As to your brother, there are simply no words to convey how sorry I am to hear of your own tragedy. If you have not spoken to the head of the coroner's office, do so as nicely as you can manage and explain your concerns and emotional distress. It is so very difficult to confront your feelings and eventually move on if you don't have the how answered, such confusion I am sure. If he did this to himself there is the test to determine powder burns or residue which would be on his hands. Although this is not perfect it is usually the first indicator I would think they would test for.

I will pray for you and your brother. Know that you are never alone! Make calls on this for your own peace of mind. You have every right to know!

Permalink Reply by Alisha on January 28, 2009 at 10:46am

I have just recently lost the one I love, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, my best friend, my lover, my companion....he committed suicide by gun shot on Friday January the 16th 2009, and was alive for 2 days after that...he passed away at 10:35 am on Sunday January 18th 2009...I feel so bad and depressed right now...i was the last one to talk to him...I received a call about, well not even a minute later from his sister and she was yelling at me and crying telling me why did i do this to her brother and that he shot himself in the head and he wasnt breathing, I didnt believe her I asked her what are you talking about?She replied again the same thing she just said, she then proceeded to tell me that she didnt want to talk to someone who did this to her brother...I immediately fell to the floor crying....i was at a loss for words and was intent in my own thoughts and feelings....I felt guilty because a few months ago we moved in with each other and I ended up putting him out of my house 3 weeks before this but it was because of very good reasons, he started becoming abusive and i felt like my life was in danger every time he started to get angry ...long story short, we got back together and a week before he did this i just explained to him that i needed time and that we needed to be apart...i guess he couldnt grasp it but he knew that he had done me very very wrong for quite a while...the night this happened i was on my way home from work, but something told me DONT GO HOME because i knew that he was mad, so i didnt, i went straight to my cousins house...he was repeatedly calling and texting me...he ended up texting his suicide note to my phone and thats when i got the call from his sister....i cant even explain how tramatic this is for me....his sister still blames me and i feel like she has told the world that this is all my fault...i get threats from people because of her and what she has told people...his funeral was the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with in my life...actually it was the hardest day of my life...his casket was closed throughout the funeral and as they wheeled his casket down the ile, i thought that they had put him in the hurst, but to my shock they had opened his casket for the first time at the front doors so you had to walk by and see him before you left the church...i was walking and my eyes fell upon his face, he didnt look like himself at all,i felt my knees give out and blackness surrounding me, i dont even remember getting into the car, i remember hyperventalating and felt that i couldnt breathe....i couldnt even go to his burial because i couldnt take anymore pain....I try to remind my self everyday that this is not my fault, and God has helped me get this far and i thank my family for being here for me through this hard time....i can now talk about and im not crying every minute....so thanks to God and my family and friends because without them i would be a terrible mess right now...R.I.P Demontre Cartrel Carter...01-01-1990-01-18-2009....I love you....09-26-06<3 Always in my heart!!

Permalink Reply by sandra on January 31, 2009 at 7:17am

my dad shot hisself too but i was in the next room i taked to him about 5mins before he did this he was on hospice he has copd,, ii also think wh/ cause my mother did the same thing in1979 soo he always thought us it was one i do know no that if someone is going to kill there self there is noone to get to them fast enough if so belive me i would have my dad rised my sister7 i from1979 till his death he was the best

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on March 17, 2009 at 5:29pm

KT, your story is very erie(sic) because when my daughter called me, histerically attempting to inform me that my son had committed suicide that afternoon this last May 2008. I couldn't believe her either. I emmidately called his grandmother's home to talk with him. A great aunt answered the phone and confirmed that my wasn't nuts. I hit my knees hard praying that this was a dream and nightmare. Unfortunately it wasn't. I'm saddened for your lose and will pray for all of us who have lost our love one in this manner. May God bless you and your family. Sincerely, JBT

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