Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 11:21am

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 1:21pm

amaryllis said:

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 1:23pm

amaryllis said:

amaryllis said:

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 1:27pm

amaryllis said:

amaryllis said:

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 1:35pm

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 26, 2009 at 1:40pm

Lee said:

kt, I am so sorry about your friend.

It took me years to forgive my grandfather after he committed suicide. I was so angry that he'd done that to me and my family. I felt betrayed. I felt nauseated. At some fundamental level I just couldn't believe that it had really happened, that it wasn't just some horrible joke. I couldn't believe that he didn't reach out to one of us for help.

The way I try to think about it now is that he was sick with an illness that was terminal. Depression kills. And in many ways, depression silences its victims. Along with misery comes a hopeless lethargy that can stop you from seeking help. It wasn't that you weren't there for her, it was that she could not reach out.

Speaking from my own experience, you may replay all your interactions with your friend, wondering if there was a point at which you could have said or done something that would have prevented her tragic decision. This is a soul-destroying, nightmarish guessing game that has no answers and supplies no peace. If you can avoid putting yourself through it, please do.

You are in my thoughts, along with her boyfriend and family. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on October 30, 2009 at 7:57pm

Hello, I relate so much to the feeling you are having - we always think we could had done better when something tragic happens to a loved one.
After my son's death past March everything changed, I see this life from a different perspective, I am learning a lot on life and death I had never thought before.
I am sorry for all you are going through and wish that little by little you will find a way to feel better.

amaryllis said:

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by juanita marie llamas on November 13, 2009 at 8:49pm

I am 21. I had just lost one of my closest friends ever. He was like a brother to me. He let me be the godmother of his child. He was always there for me. Then one morning, the morning i was happy and packing to go on a trip to texas to visit my newest niece that had just been born.. I got a call from my friends baby's mom. I was so calm and the usual "hey girl, what's up?"... then silence, and i hear instant crying. She told me my friend had shot himself in his chest in his car after he had went to a party around 1am. I denied it. I thought she was messing with me since he seemed to be doing so well and i had just talked to him not even 2 days before that. I had just seen him not even 2 days before that. He was a brother to me. Then, ... it hit me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak... and to this day.. i still cry.. even as i'm writing this..it's been almost 7months. Last month we had a vigil that would have been on his 21st birthday which we were looking forward to so much! He left behind his 1 1/2 yr old baby girl.. it's heartbreaking. I had a dream about him a couple days after it happened and in the dream he told me "juanita.. i'm okay. i'm okay..." and i believe he is. I miss him terribly. Within the following 2 weeks i lost my grandmother and a close family friend also. Then the following month my son had a horrible seizure when he was only a year old.. This has been a trying year, but i will never forget the day he committed suicide because it has changed my life drastically.

Permalink Reply by Lam on November 18, 2009 at 2:44pm

Tracy, The love of my life committed suicide on Oct. 20. He texted me telling me goodbye and nite nite. I couldn't get to him because we were 600 miles away from each other. It is still very very hard to accept that he is gone forever, i am having a hard time to move on.

tracy said:

my name is tracy my boyfriend comitted suicide on wed the 15 oct i am having problems deailing with it he did it over the emptyness he felt for his son his exwife would not let him see him she was selfish i cry everyday i dont know what to do i know i have to keep on living for my children . but i have to suffer now please someone talk to me i need somthing

Permalink Reply by Lam on November 18, 2009 at 3:05pm

Thanks for sharing. i feel every single words you write in your poem. I am still crying for the love of my life who committed suicide 1 month ago. People tell me that i will move on and heal as time goes by, i do live and move on but the pain hasn't gotten any better. I call it " attack" the wave of sadness especially when i drive alone in the car. The new relationship doesn't help me but make me a liar, i lie to this new great man and myself. My heart is missing because he takes it with him to the other side.

Laurie said:

~Good-bye to the Keeper of My Heart~

Sleeping so soundly, I was awakened by the call.
My entire world stopped, and I began to fall.

Those dreadful words echoing in my ear, ignited such pain.
Horrific pain that flooded my heart and soul like a torrential rain.
Images of you raced through my mind, your sweet whispers filled my ears
There I was so blind, yes blinded by pain and endless tears.

I smile at the sweet memories we shared, I knew it was too good to be true.
Anger, hurt and rage got in the way and hindered me from saying "I will always love you."
You begged and pleaded "please baby, don't go, I need you to stay."
How could I when you wanted to live life your way?

You and I were from two different worlds..yours was dark and deep.
I just knew I could show you a love so incredibly rich and sweet.
You swept me up, melted my soul and captured my heart,
Little did I know, our love was doomed from the start.

Now, I still cry when I hear our song
I remember dancing the entire night long.
When you left this world, painful guilt consumed me
You escaped your pain, but I'll never be free.

When I think of you, I smile, I laugh, and I cry.
Rage and pain engulf me...I shake my fist and scream at the sky.
I believe you suffered and hurt with pain much greater than mine.
I am sorry I couldn't help you, fix you or heal you...not even in time.

Although I'm living my life, my heart is so hollow and cold.
People say I will find someone to love, laugh with, and hold.
I'm learning to let go of the past and trust in God, they say that's a start.
I have to let go of our love, but how can I? You possessed my heart!

The jagged edges of my heart will heal, I pray to God above.
So that I may laugh a new laugh, sing a new song, and find another love.
I guess it's now time to say good-bye, a new life I have to start.
We'll see each other again, but this is a last "good-bye" to the keeper of my heart.



**I wrote this poem about 6 months after my husband ended his life...it helped a little with the grief, but I truly believe I will never truly be free of the guilt that I carry.

Permalink Reply by Taylor on November 29, 2009 at 3:03am

Wow I didn't really think anyone else knew what I have been going through I thought I was alone, but I guess I was wrong. A little over a year ago on may31st 2008 my dad commuted suicide when I was twelve but I was pretty much thirteen because it was a few days before my birthday. I still just can't put the pieces together of why he would do that. My parents have been divorced sense I was six but they got along fine, he had a girlfriend, and I thought he was happy. There were no signs of him being suicidal untill the day of it. I got a random text from him saying I love you. I replyed of course. But my whole family tryed reaching him but couldn't get a hold of him. By then I knew something was wrong. It's just a horrible feeling that won't go away. I hate it so much. And I miss him like crazy. He's always been there for me and to protect me so I don't know why he would want to put me through so much pain. I just still don't understand after this long. It didn't even seem real to me till about 5 months after. I didn't even realize how long it's been because it feels like it just happend yesterday. I really just want someone to talk to about this because I normally don't like sharing my feelings with people but i just feel better doing it on here. :/

Permalink Reply by Jeannie on December 11, 2009 at 1:04am

We just found out that my son's best friend (actually he was like another son to me) shot himself. His family belonged to my mother in-law's daycare and the day I was leaving the hospital with my new baby, his mom was going in to the hospital to have him. Being 2 days apart and growing up together my son and his friend were more like brothers. His family moved away a few hours away when the boys were 7 so they would have to get together during the summer and school breaks. Recently, they spent hours together on the internet watching the same program, playing video games, just being together and talking through head phones for hours every day. Since they lived far apart this was the only way to spend so much time together. I just don't understand why he didn't reach out for help. My son is having such a hard time dealing with this (as I am) I don't know how to help him through this. My son said he knew his friend was depressed but he was always such an upbeat happy person, always joking around, my son just thought he was having the normal depression that comes when you have bad days. He never gave any sign that he was depressed enough to shoot himself. I can't close my eyes without seeing images or feeling such great pain. I keep imagining what his parents and sister must be going through and it rips my heart out. I wish that people considering suicide could see what the people that are left behind go through before they follow through with suicide plans. Maybe that would encourage more people to seek the help they need. This boy was only 19.

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