Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Alice Stonick on March 12, 2010 at 5:36pm

Mary, I know what you are going through. My son took his life right here in my home which is an apartment, but he had a room. Its been 2 and 1/2 yrs. and I have had many a day I did not feel I wanted to go on even to this day, I still cant except his death. You have 2 friends which seems so overwhelming but you know, your here, there are alot of us here, and it's so hard. I think of things I have to complete for my son every day and it keeps me going. But that is not very realistic, I'm guess I'm still going through denial. You are strong, you are writing here like we all are. Suicide of love ones leaves a mark so deep you are not sure you will ever get better.Just keep writing here like I am, the hurt will never go away but the hurt will get lighter and you will keep getting stronger.

Mary said:

I have two friends that have committed suicide within 2 months of each other. I tried to commit suicide twice in the last 4 years. With all this grief that has come my way it is hard not to look for that way out. Yet, it is even harder to phathom it know what it does to people to lose someone to suicide. I'm so lost without my friend to talk to about this, he taught me to keep my head up, and now he is gone. He couldn't make it anymore and I just wonder when my day will come.

Permalink Reply by pearl on April 10, 2010 at 11:55am

Hi,
My partner of two years died two months today by overdose.

I have struggled to cope with the guilt of his death, and iam having therapy.

I just don't know what to do now as we were childhood sweethearts and then after much upheaval went our seperate ways, untill 22 years later when he left his partner for me. We were so happy together, however i knew he had always been troubled and hadn't realised how bad his depression over the years had become. However i stood by him and was there for him even when he had previously taken an overdose whilst he was lay in bed next to me one evening. I called the paramedics and he was saved. Our relationship was so very strong, we had this massive connection that no matter what we always pulled together and even through the years of being apart, we both wanted each other still.

The awful dillema i am left with now is that of his ex-partner, I stayed away from his funeral out of respect to his family, it was awful but i also had to think of them. I have been to the grave, i find it helps me so much to still be close to him but his ex-partner keeps throwing my flowers in the bin.

My partners sister is in touch with me and she is furious that the flowers are going missing as she knew her brother was so happy with me and that he would be so upset by this.

I went to the grave this morning and saw my flowers in the bin, i am going demented with this and so i took them out and tidied them up and placed a note on them asking for them to be left in the nicest possible way i could.

What am i to do about this awful situation, i should be able to go to his graveside and place something for him without them being removed. I miss and love him so much and now all that is left is his grave for me to love and look after.

Permalink Reply by jamesDean on April 16, 2010 at 5:48pm

Jocele said:

Thank you, Darlene. My mother was killed in a car accident when she was 38. My grandmother always said the same thing. Nothing compares to losing a child. I faced the enormity and finality at the funeral home,
but since then it all seems surreal. I keep thinking he'll call or just
show up. I talk to him often. I believe his spirit can hear me. I
remind him how much I love him, what a wonderful young man he was, and
how much joy he brought into so many people's lives. I haven't gotten
angry yet - but I know it's coming. Family and friends help so much.
Every time I get a phone call or email I feel loved, hugged and prayed
for. It all helps.

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on June 7, 2010 at 10:39am

juanita marie llamas said:

I am 21. I had just lost one of my closest friends ever. He was like a brother to me. He let me be the godmother of his child. He was always there for me. Then one morning, the morning i was happy and packing to go on a trip to texas to visit my newest niece that had just been born.. I got a call from my friends baby's mom. I was so calm and the usual "hey girl, what's up?"... then silence, and i hear instant crying. She told me my friend had shot himself in his chest in his car after he had went to a party around 1am. I denied it. I thought she was messing with me since he seemed to be doing so well and i had just talked to him not even 2 days before that. I had just seen him not even 2 days before that. He was a brother to me. Then, ... it hit me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't speak... and to this day.. i still cry.. even as i'm writing this..it's been almost 7months. Last month we had a vigil that would have been on his 21st birthday which we were looking forward to so much! He left behind his 1 1/2 yr old baby girl.. it's heartbreaking. I had a dream about him a couple days after it happened and in the dream he told me "juanita.. i'm okay. i'm okay..." and i believe he is. I miss him terribly. Within the following 2 weeks i lost my grandmother and a close family friend also. Then the following month my son had a horrible seizure when he was only a year old.. This has been a trying year, but i will never forget the day he committed suicide because it has changed my life drastically.

I'm so sorry for your lose. It's great that you could dream that he's OK. After two years I've had only two substantial dreams about my son. the first he was approximately 7, sitting on my shoulders. I couldn't see his face but I knew it was him. The second was just a month ago. He hasn't spoken to me and I don't know if he's OK or not. I will always miss him. Yesterday was his birthday. He would have been 32. I can remember his birth like it was yesterday. Thanks for sharing, take care. JBT

Permalink Reply by Morgan on June 14, 2010 at 6:19pm

My name is Morgan I'm 16 years old
and two years ago on February 26,2008
I lost the first person I ever loved to suicide.
This was by far the worst day of my life
I still havnt gotten over it at all. I remember
this day so clearly, I was in my room on my
computer going to send my ex Ryan I picture
he wanted of me and him. After I got onto his
myspace I noticed comments saying rest in peace
and I had no idea why because I just talked to him
that day and he was fine so I called his house
and his brother who was my age ( Ryan was two years
older than me) answered and told me he was putting
off calling me but something really bad has happened
I didn't even let him finish before I was already crying my eyes
out and he said Morgan I tried to stop him but he locked
himself in his room i was pounding on the door and seconds later
We got the door down but it was too late I walked in and saw
him in the closet hanging... After hearing that I hung up the phone
and cried all night I had everyone calling me but I wouldn't
answer my phone for anyone. The next morning I insisted that
everything was okay and that didn't really happened and I made my
mom let me go to school so I did.. I remember this day so perfectly
I walked into the gym where we had to sit in the morning and everyone
just looked at me I felt like I was in a movie and that's when I finally
realized it really did happen I broke down right away and all my friends
got me out if there through out the day I just kept to myself hearing everyone
talk about it and me untill I got to lunch and a kid thought he was funny
and went up to one of ryans friends holding his neck pretending to choke himself
ryans friend then proceeded to beat him up badly and the school sent everyone
home that was friends with Ryan including me because they didn't want anymore
fights those two days were the hardest days of my life but even though I got
through them I still cannot believe this happened. I can't get over it no matter
how hard I've tried and it kills me because it seems like I am the only one left
that hasn't I feel like I am the only one left who still crys about it the only one left
who still can't see a picture of him or hear his favorite songs without crying like I'm
the only one left who still can't even hear about the incident without crying
I feel so alone and feel like if it has been two years already...
Will I ever get over this???

Rest in peace Ryan
I love you babe

Permalink Reply by Tamara on June 16, 2010 at 2:04pm

Tammy said:

Brenda, I lost my older brother Terry to suicide on Christmas day 2006. His 1st marriage lasted 20 years before she divorced him. He thought he had met the love of his life in 2006. They were married in October 2006 and 2 months later I got a call saying he was gone. I had never met his new wife until the funeral, I liked her, she seemed really nice. But was I wrong. Not long after we buried him, things started coming out about her. I recieved e-mails from her sister that my brother and her wrote. He loved her so much, it killed him. Turns out she was just using him for his money and what she could get out of him. She had plastic surgery, he bought her a spider sports car, anything she wanted, he got for her. He found out she was going out on him, but he forgave her. He worked 2 jobs and found time to referee basketball games. He would leave home at 5:00 a.m. and not get home until after 10:00 p.m. They had went to her sisters house in Alabama for the holidays. They came home on Christmas morning, and got into an argument. She told him he had to leave after the holidays. Her and her son went in the kitchen and my brother called his kids and my mom and dad and told them he loved them. As soon as he hung up the phone with my mom, he pulled the trigger and shot himself in the head. My husband and I were fixing Christmas dinner when my dad called us. My brother was a former marine and cop. I never thought I would get a phone call like that. That is a day I'll never forget.When my brother died he had over $40,000.00 in his bank account, when his son went to check it, he had $30.00 left. His wife cleaned out his accounts. She took everything he had left. His kids didn't get anything she made sure her and her kids got everything. I don't think I'll ever forgive her, because I know she drove him to this. My mom & dad can't go to the cemetery anymore because they can't stand to leave and leave him there. I miss him more everyday. I know one day we'll all be together again. The one thing that helsp me get thru this is knowing that my brother is at peace now. Something he didn't have for many years on earth. He is finally able to rest.

Permalink Reply by Tamara on June 16, 2010 at 2:09pm

I am sorry for everyones loss. I recently lost my ex to suicide. I am having a really hard time with it. We were married for 15 years and best friends for the last 8. As I read the story about the new wife, shivers came over me. My ex had exactly that done to him, except without the cheating that we know of. The surgery, giving money to her kids and ignoring his, taking him for EVERYTHING! Exactly. He loved her and she cared less for him. He told her he was going to do it and she told no one! I have such anger and in my heart. I do not know how to deal with my emotions. I am seeking counseling but I still have breakdowns every day. My new husband is having a hard time dealing with all this. He thinks I should not be grieving as badly as I am. Someone please help me understand how to deal with this! We have 3 children together, 25, 22 & 19. They are holding up better than I am. Please, someone respond. We knew he was depressed, but never thought he was capable of this! I was the one who found him..............

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on July 18, 2010 at 11:57am

The last post here was 6/16. It was also the day my 21 year old son "left". He did not have a valid reason to do this. He over reacted to a bad grade he received. He is a perfectionist.

I am very close to him. I am in horrid, suffocating, intense pain. I am trying to understand how he felt and why he did this. He has such a wonderful future to look forward to. I am trying to understand him on 6/16, but it quickly becomes about me. How could he leave me? How did he expect me to live without him? Why didn't he come to me with what was bothering him? Why didn't he know that I could fix anything for him? That I would do anything for him. What did he expect from me when he left? Did he really think I was going to have any kind of life? How could he choose to leave me here? Dosen't he still need his mom?

Permalink Reply by Stacey R. on July 20, 2010 at 7:22pm

Jocele, I am so sorry to hear about your son. I was just with my mother today, as I am every week, and it has been 7 months since my little brother, 25, hung himself. My mom has been working through her grief and just letting herself cry when she needs to. She has been leaning heavily on the Lord too and that has given her incredible strength. I will pray for you. I know you're hurting more than you have ever hurt before. Grief counseling helps, just make sure you find one that is geared toward suicide. That has helped my parents immensely. My brother suffered from depression and had gotten help for it in the past but this time he didn't reach out to us. His ex-girlfriend had been giving him false hope of a reunion and on December 16, 2009, I guess his hope was all tapped out. She left him and then acted all surprised to find out what he had done. I wish he would have called one of us. He is with the Lord. He knew who to call on in his last moments but it still doesn't help those he left behind grieve any less for him. I will keep you in my prayers. Let yourself grieve. We all grieve in different ways.
Jocele said:

It has been almost 2 weeks since my 20 year old son committed suicide. I've experienced a lot of deaths in my life, as I come from a large family. But this is the first suicide. He was so happy and full of life. He teased, joked, and liked to pull pranks on us. The one thing everyone comments on is how much he made us all laugh. Three nights before his death we went to a concert and he danced his heart away. I hadn't seen him dance since he was about 5 years old. But I always knew there was something dark in him. And we couldn't fix it. He had reached out in the past when he was depressed, but this time he didn't. My 24-year-old son found him in bed - he had shot himself. Sometimes I feel like I've given so much to others that I haven't had time to grieve myself. My kids and grandkids call almost every day, and I start telling funny "Harold" stories - we feel better when we get off the phone. I guess it's helping all of us.

Permalink Reply by Tracey on July 23, 2010 at 12:25am

On 12th May 2010 I came home to find my husband of seven years had hung himself in our garage. He was only 41 years old. He was the sweetest, gentlest most caring person in the whole world and I still can't believe this has happened. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. We had been together for a total of twelve years and longest we had ever been apart was a two and a half week trip I took with a friend. He was my best friend and we were always content to just spend time together no matter what we were doing. Noone saw this coming, we had been making plans and nothing had changed in his behaviour, I just can't believe it.

I can't get the image of finding him out of my head and I think one of the hardest things is that he knew I had struggled for years with the fact that I had been the one to find my mother dead when I was nine (she had leukaemia). I had been dealing with depression myself after losing so many in my family over the years and I can't believe he would do this at all but especially so that I would be the one to find him like that.

We had been talking about starting a family this year and I feel as though he has now taken my life with him. Everyone keeps telling me I still have plenty of time to move on and find someone else and still have a family (I'm 35) but I can't even think about that. He and I were so perfectly suited to one another or so I thought, I could never find anyone who would get me the way he did and of anyone on this planet who I trusted and would have never thought could hurt me like this it was Brook, how could I possibly ever trust anyone else ever again?

I just miss him so much and everyone around me is trying their best but they are all moving on with their lives and I'm getting the feeling they think I should be starting to move on with mine but I just don't know how to start. I don't have anywhere to live, I'm staying with a friend 'cause I couldn't possibly stay in that house after finding him like that, I don't have a job as we had decided that I would do the housewife thing and he would work so I have to try to find somewhere to live and find a job when I can't even concentrate on flicking through a magazine or watching a tv show.

Has anyone been through something like this? What do I do? Where do I start?

Permalink Reply by JANE MANSKE on July 27, 2010 at 6:12pm

Tracey said:

On 12th May 2010 I came home to find my husband of seven years had hung himself in our garage. He was only 41 years old. He was the sweetest, gentlest most caring person in the whole world and I still can't believe this has happened. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. We had been together for a total of twelve years and longest we had ever been apart was a two and a half week trip I took with a friend. He was my best friend and we were always content to just spend time together no matter what we were doing. Noone saw this coming, we had been making plans and nothing had changed in his behaviour, I just can't believe it.

I can't get the image of finding him out of my head and I think one of the hardest things is that he knew I had struggled for years with the fact that I had been the one to find my mother dead when I was nine (she had leukaemia). I had been dealing with depression myself after losing so many in my family over the years and I can't believe he would do this at all but especially so that I would be the one to find him like that.

We had been talking about starting a family this year and I feel as though he has now taken my life with him. Everyone keeps telling me I still have plenty of time to move on and find someone else and still have a family (I'm 35) but I can't even think about that. He and I were so perfectly suited to one another or so I thought, I could never find anyone who would get me the way he did and of anyone on this planet who I trusted and would have never thought could hurt me like this it was Brook, how could I possibly ever trust anyone else ever again?

I just miss him so much and everyone around me is trying their best but they are all moving on with their lives and I'm getting the feeling they think I should be starting to move on with mine but I just don't know how to start. I don't have anywhere to live, I'm staying with a friend 'cause I couldn't possibly stay in that house after finding him like that, I don't have a job as we had decided that I would do the housewife thing and he would work so I have to try to find somewhere to live and find a job when I can't even concentrate on flicking through a magazine or watching a tv show.

Has anyone been through something like this? What do I do? Where do I start?

Permalink Reply by JANE MANSKE on July 27, 2010 at 6:14pm

Tracey said:

On 12th May 2010 I came home to find my husband of seven years had hung himself in our garage. He was only 41 years old. He was the sweetest, gentlest most caring person in the whole world and I still can't believe this has happened. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. We had been together for a total of twelve years and longest we had ever been apart was a two and a half week trip I took with a friend. He was my best friend and we were always content to just spend time together no matter what we were doing. Noone saw this coming, we had been making plans and nothing had changed in his behaviour, I just can't believe it.

I can't get the image of finding him out of my head and I think one of the hardest things is that he knew I had struggled for years with the fact that I had been the one to find my mother dead when I was nine (she had leukaemia). I had been dealing with depression myself after losing so many in my family over the years and I can't believe he would do this at all but especially so that I would be the one to find him like that.

We had been talking about starting a family this year and I feel as though he has now taken my life with him. Everyone keeps telling me I still have plenty of time to move on and find someone else and still have a family (I'm 35) but I can't even think about that. He and I were so perfectly suited to one another or so I thought, I could never find anyone who would get me the way he did and of anyone on this planet who I trusted and would have never thought could hurt me like this it was Brook, how could I possibly ever trust anyone else ever again?

I just miss him so much and everyone around me is trying their best but they are all moving on with their lives and I'm getting the feeling they think I should be starting to move on with mine but I just don't know how to start. I don't have anywhere to live, I'm staying with a friend 'cause I couldn't possibly stay in that house after finding him like that, I don't have a job as we had decided that I would do the housewife thing and he would work so I have to try to find somewhere to live and find a job when I can't even concentrate on flicking through a magazine or watching a tv show.

Has anyone been through something like this? What do I do? Where do I start?

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