Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on August 11, 2010 at 2:31pm

Yes, there are many of us who went through bad surprises like this. the pain is forever, we go thorugh and we get a place of peace as we et the Grace.
Yes, Jane, we survive and this is what our loved ones want because there where they are now they have a clear understanding better of all things.
xxxx

JANE MANSKE said:

Tracey said:

On 12th May 2010 I came home to find my husband of seven years had hung himself in our garage. He was only 41 years old. He was the sweetest, gentlest most caring person in the whole world and I still can't believe this has happened. I don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces of my life. We had been together for a total of twelve years and longest we had ever been apart was a two and a half week trip I took with a friend. He was my best friend and we were always content to just spend time together no matter what we were doing. Noone saw this coming, we had been making plans and nothing had changed in his behaviour, I just can't believe it.

I can't get the image of finding him out of my head and I think one of the hardest things is that he knew I had struggled for years with the fact that I had been the one to find my mother dead when I was nine (she had leukaemia). I had been dealing with depression myself after losing so many in my family over the years and I can't believe he would do this at all but especially so that I would be the one to find him like that.

We had been talking about starting a family this year and I feel as though he has now taken my life with him. Everyone keeps telling me I still have plenty of time to move on and find someone else and still have a family (I'm 35) but I can't even think about that. He and I were so perfectly suited to one another or so I thought, I could never find anyone who would get me the way he did and of anyone on this planet who I trusted and would have never thought could hurt me like this it was Brook, how could I possibly ever trust anyone else ever again?

I just miss him so much and everyone around me is trying their best but they are all moving on with their lives and I'm getting the feeling they think I should be starting to move on with mine but I just don't know how to start. I don't have anywhere to live, I'm staying with a friend 'cause I couldn't possibly stay in that house after finding him like that, I don't have a job as we had decided that I would do the housewife thing and he would work so I have to try to find somewhere to live and find a job when I can't even concentrate on flicking through a magazine or watching a tv show.

Has anyone been through something like this? What do I do? Where do I start?

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on August 12, 2010 at 12:07am

Jane,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my son 8 weeks ago today. I found him and he knew I would. I relive the experience all day and all night long. The horror, the shock, the disbelief, the helplessnes, the pain, the disbelief, begging god to fix it or take me.

Others including my husband have moved on. I am frozen. I get by an hour at a time. I am limited as to how far in the future I can look and stay sane. This is my first bout of depression and it has gripped me tightly.

I am in therapy and medicated. I am on a medical leave for work but am realizing that I need to go back soon.

The why and how could you suffocate me. One hour at a time.

praying for you

Permalink Reply by romy on August 12, 2010 at 12:36am

I had a close friend I loved dearly....he made sure it would be us that found him. He staged his death very precisely. I was horrified and quite grief stricken as he was alone, his wife lived away from him...he was not appreciated for his amazing mind, physical abilities, in his late 70's he could build anything and was an artist with his hands. I realize being a supportive and caring friend is not enough. I was only a few houses away, he could have called, could have reached out, I would have been there. This was about him, his decision and how he expected his life to end on his own terms. How awful that seems to others....to take your own life does nothing but punish all others around you that love you. For those of us that find them, we are left with the indelible image of that last glance.

I felt like I couldn't breath! My chest was so heavy, and my heart hurt! I have lost others in my life but not like this. With all losses the same way of healing is what happened with me. I accepted and embraced the pain and allowed it to flood right over me. One day I could say his name and not cry, look at his home and not break down...one day I could breath! One day is the hope you must carry with you, that your heart will heal enough to still feel but not overwhelm you. Your son was a gift, he took that gift away but he didn't do this intentionally to you. It was about ending his own pain or whatever he was going through. I think it is more about them believing it is their own choice and their own sense of control over an uncontrollable situation or pain.

There is no medicine to cure this or therapy to talk it away at least there was not for me....it is deliberate and time does heal enough to bear the pain you must carry. I don't expect to not feel pain of loss for many family and friends lost through tragedy but his was by his own choice. It is harder to wrap your mind around this type of loss....it was for me. After two years I can still see "him."

Your own son, I can't even begin to imagine the scope of emotion this must involve. I am sorrier than I could possibly express to you.

I will add you to my prayers. Please know that you had your son for the time you did....hold onto that while you deal with the loss of him. You must have had some awesome memories with him to treasure. There is a place of peace for you down the line....you must give yourself time.

I don't know that anyone is capable of "moving on" in only 8 weeks. Maybe their outer appearance is deceiving, surely they feel as you do on the inside. They might not be able to express it as you have. Being able to conduct one's self after a tragedy does not reflect on any healing on the inside....I can smile through my tears but I am still crying. There is an empty place that is like air passing through...that is what it feels like now. A confused empty place where a deep respect and love of a person once resided. I will always miss him. After 2 years....I can feel him just around the bend and he is not there. I look for him to wave as he did and he is not there. I still look that direction.

Permalink Reply by katie b on August 18, 2010 at 1:03am

in march, i was on the phone with my boyfriend and we were randomly talking and he told me that some guy had hung himself on our school bleachers across the street that morning. i went to my mom and asked if she had heard what had happened..she told me that it was my cousin..i dropped the phone and fell to the ground..i couldnt move, i couldnt breathe. i couldnt believe what was going on and i couldnt understand what he had done. he unknowingly meant so much to me..i looked for him at every family gathering and i was always so happy to see him. i had to go to that school the next day and have a view of those bleachers almost every class i went to. everyone was talking about it in the hallway. i kept hearing "i eard it was some random guy." but it wasnt..it was my family. my boyfriend didnt know what to say or what to do..and i couldnt listen to the rumors anymore. i had to deal with that until school was over. i think about him everyday and i visit his grave often..im trying to deal with this..but its hard.

Permalink Reply by Scott's lost mom on August 18, 2010 at 7:25am

It is 9 weeks today.

I am still in shock at the changes in life. The loss of my son is consuming.

The changes to life are overwhelming. Suddenly all the joy is gone and the world is dark. Each day brings another knife to the heart that accentuates the loss.

The pain of losing him is so much more than the joy we had when he was born. I didn't think there could be a more intense emotion than the love I felt for him. Losing him is undescrible. It impacts every part of me. I feel like most of me died with him. All that is left is the pain.

I am so sorry for you loss. Sorry that any of us have to feel this pain.



katie b said:

in march, i was on the phone with my boyfriend and we were randomly talking and he told me that some guy had hung himself on our school bleachers across the street that morning. i went to my mom and asked if she had heard what had happened..she told me that it was my cousin..i dropped the phone and fell to the ground..i couldnt move, i couldnt breathe. i couldnt believe what was going on and i couldnt understand what he had done. he unknowingly meant so much to me..i looked for him at every family gathering and i was always so happy to see him. i had to go to that school the next day and have a view of those bleachers almost every class i went to. everyone was talking about it in the hallway. i kept hearing "i eard it was some random guy." but it wasnt..it was my family. my boyfriend didnt know what to say or what to do..and i couldnt listen to the rumors anymore. i had to deal with that until school was over. i think about him everyday and i visit his grave often..im trying to deal with this..but its hard.

Permalink Reply by JJ Lyman on August 18, 2010 at 11:51pm

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

Permalink Reply by JJ Lyman on August 18, 2010 at 11:53pm

John Taylor said:

On September 18th my youngest daughter Katy, turned 18. On the 19th we took her out to lunch with her boy friend. That morning I couldn't get over being irritated about something. All morning long I couldn't figure out what was making me so upset. I wasn't until we drove by my son's last work place that I became aware of what was upsetting me. My son Brandon, who commited suicide in May 2008, would have definiately been at this occasion. He always made sure he was at all the important occassions. It was him not being there that was upsetting all morning long. It was a hard day!
I love my girls but Brandon was the best big brother and son anyone could hope for. I remember when he was born I kept thinking that something bad was going to happen to me. Everything was just to good. A great marriage, a perfect son, a little sister for him to look after. Life was way to perfect. Then in '85 my wife was abducted and murdered, My 7 year old son was never the same.
With in months I re-married for the wrong reason (to find a mom for my son). Ten out of eleven years of hell later, a divorce, two young adult children with no stable home, and no simbulance of what a happy marriage should be.
The guilt that I carry for not being able to help my son and the demons that caused him to leave us the way he did will always haunt me that I could have been better of created a better life for my children. I know my son was upset with the way his life was proceeding, his job, his girl friend and life in general but I will always wonder how much my influence could have been better for all my kids.

When we run into the surprise of being imperfect we are so shocked. And when we turn around and investigate our lives to see exactly where and what we have done wrong, the list becomes endless. If we’re looking for guilt we will surely find it. We can scrutinize our actions to find more proofs that we did the wrong things or did not do the right things or anyway to make us wrong.

Why?

The shock of suicide of a loved one can cause these shame-based life inventories…created to find fault in ourselves. And we are such imperfect creatures, it’s sure easy to find.

The first thing is to forgive yourself and breathe every time you discover and rediscover your seeming fault. Forgive yourself each time and then, when you have a little spare time, forgive the suicide too.
This will keep you busy. Keep it up, write down your thoughts, find a SOS group to belong to, and try to shake off the contagious infection of the whole suicide thing. Stop the blame. Breathe. Stop the self blame. Breathe. Start walking. Keep going. Don’t do to others what was done to you.

Keep looking and breathing until you find something to live for. Don’t stop looking till you find it.

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing. And I’m still here. It’s been 10 years since my brother’s suicide.
JJ

Permalink Reply by JJ Lyman on August 19, 2010 at 12:11am

Lee said:

Two days after my thirteenth birthday, my grandfather shot himself. A month and ten days later I lost my grandmother, too. There was some medical cause, but the truth is that she didn't want to live anymore, so she turned her face to the wall and faded away.

If I could roll back time, I'd try to stop it from ever happening. But since I can't do that, I try to think about the positive things that came out of those times. This is not something I could do at the time, and it's only now, 14 years later, that I can even begin to approach it that way.

Most importantly, even though it sent me into my first depression, his taking his own life might have saved mine. I've gone through some very bad periods. But never once did I seriously consider suicide, because I knew how it affects the people you leave behind. It just was not an option.

Also, once I'd experienced actual tragedy, the little inconveniences of life just didn't bother me as much as they would have. A failing grade on a test? A fight with a friend? They couldn't even compare.

I'd rather have my grandfather. But I can't. So I'll take what I can get.

Permalink Reply by JJ Lyman on August 19, 2010 at 12:12am

JJ Lyman said:

Lee said:

Two days after my thirteenth birthday, my grandfather shot himself. A month and ten days later I lost my grandmother, too. There was some medical cause, but the truth is that she didn't want to live anymore, so she turned her face to the wall and faded away.

If I could roll back time, I'd try to stop it from ever happening. But since I can't do that, I try to think about the positive things that came out of those times. This is not something I could do at the time, and it's only now, 14 years later, that I can even begin to approach it that way.

Most importantly, even though it sent me into my first depression, his taking his own life might have saved mine. I've gone through some very bad periods. But never once did I seriously consider suicide, because I knew how it affects the people you leave behind. It just was not an option.

Also, once I'd experienced actual tragedy, the little inconveniences of life just didn't bother me as much as they would have. A failing grade on a test? A fight with a friend? They couldn't even compare.

I'd rather have my grandfather. But I can't. So I'll take what I can get.

Permalink Reply by Susan Jason's Mom on August 25, 2010 at 4:29pm

Hi everyone,

I lost my son, Jason, on Aug. 8th. He was 25. He hung himself with a belt at his sisters house. Thankfully she didn't find him, her boyfriend did. She did however see him lying in the floor - stiff. I don't know how I feel...lost, empty, dead inside. At first, I felt that he was at peace and that made me feel better. I understand depression all to well. I suffer from chronic depression. He didn't leave a not and we really didn't know he was so depressed. We will never understand why. For several days right after he died, I would search around the house looking for a note, thinking maybe he had hid something the last time he visited me 3 days before his death. I was able to remember him and laugh at his silliness. Now I can't bare to think about him, see a picture of him, or hear the songs that he loved. When I do, I push it deep inside. I haven't cried that much yet. I did the first day and when I really think about that day it tears me to pieces. Although, I have chronic depression, it has been under control for the last 2 years. Now I am scared for myself. I don't want to go back to that dark place. I had a great counselor but she has moved away. And I really need her now.

To everyone here, I am deeply sorry for your losses and send you many virtual hugs.

Permalink Reply by amaryllis on August 25, 2010 at 9:21pm

My thoughts and my prayers are with you as I relate to your pain. I am not only sorry for the loss of your son - I am sorry for the way it happened - to suicide. I went to the same experience one year ago. We all have our particular way to cope with our suffering, so what works for a person may not work for each one of us. After crying and crying and crying there was a moment I understood there is no future in the past, so I had to do something about it. I ask to God to put in front of me the word I needed and it happened after a while. From that moment on my life changed and I started having a better understanding of what life is all about, and death, too. I hope you will find your way through your suffering. God bless you. A warm hug and my love.

Susan said:

Hi everyone,

I lost my son, Jason, on Aug. 8th. He was 25. He hung himself with a belt at his sisters house. Thankfully she didn't find him, her boyfriend did. She did however see him lying in the floor - stiff. I don't know how I feel...lost, empty, dead inside. At first, I felt that he was at peace and that made me feel better. I understand depression all to well. I suffer from chronic depression. He didn't leave a not and we really didn't know he was so depressed. We will never understand why. For several days right after he died, I would search around the house looking for a note, thinking maybe he had hid something the last time he visited me 3 days before his death. I was able to remember him and laugh at his silliness. Now I can't bare to think about him, see a picture of him, or hear the songs that he loved. When I do, I push it deep inside. I haven't cried that much yet. I did the first day and when I really think about that day it tears me to pieces. Although, I have chronic depression, it has been under control for the last 2 years. Now I am scared for myself. I don't want to go back to that dark place. I had a great counselor but she has moved away. And I really need her now.

To everyone here, I am deeply sorry for your losses and send you many virtual hugs.

Permalink Reply by Susan Jason's Mom on August 26, 2010 at 11:24am

Thank you Amaryllis,

I've seen several of your posts and you are such a kind person. Hugs to you my friend!

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