Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by tracy on October 26, 2008 at 1:42pm

amy thank u for the responce i am sorry for your loss i cant believe this can happen to people i loved mark with all my soul . I have three children two being twins my darther loved mark alot i thought at times she loved him more than me but this was ok . I have learned that i will never push a women or man from my childern lives like his mother did me . Some people in the time of need need others to help and heal she did nothing but make it worse pleaase respond you were a big help

Permalink Reply by Tammy on November 15, 2008 at 8:06pm

Brenda, I lost my older brother Terry to suicide on Christmas day 2006. His 1st marriage lasted 20 years before she divorced him. He thought he had met the love of his life in 2006. They were married in October 2006 and 2 months later I got a call saying he was gone. I had never met his new wife until the funeral, I liked her, she seemed really nice. But was I wrong. Not long after we buried him, things started coming out about her. I recieved e-mails from her sister that my brother and her wrote. He loved her so much, it killed him. Turns out she was just using him for his money and what she could get out of him. She had plastic surgery, he bought her a spider sports car, anything she wanted, he got for her. He found out she was going out on him, but he forgave her. He worked 2 jobs and found time to referee basketball games. He would leave home at 5:00 a.m. and not get home until after 10:00 p.m. They had went to her sisters house in Alabama for the holidays. They came home on Christmas morning, and got into an argument. She told him he had to leave after the holidays. Her and her son went in the kitchen and my brother called his kids and my mom and dad and told them he loved them. As soon as he hung up the phone with my mom, he pulled the trigger and shot himself in the head. My husband and I were fixing Christmas dinner when my dad called us. My brother was a former marine and cop. I never thought I would get a phone call like that. That is a day I'll never forget.When my brother died he had over $40,000.00 in his bank account, when his son went to check it, he had $30.00 left. His wife cleaned out his accounts. She took everything he had left. His kids didn't get anything she made sure her and her kids got everything. I don't think I'll ever forgive her, because I know she drove him to this. My mom & dad can't go to the cemetery anymore because they can't stand to leave and leave him there. I miss him more everyday. I know one day we'll all be together again. The one thing that helsp me get thru this is knowing that my brother is at peace now. Something he didn't have for many years on earth. He is finally able to rest.

Permalink Reply by Julie Murphy on November 16, 2008 at 7:53am

Dear Amy,
My son Ben Onstott just died Nov.6th 2008, and he to was 16 years old. I am hurting so bably and I feel enormous guilt. Can you help me? Our last hours together were not good. We had punished him and he felt like I didn't love him. Ben had ADHD and we believe he was also Bipolar. I need help!!
Julie

Permalink Reply by Amy on November 16, 2008 at 10:45pm

How so similar this sounds. The eve before Mikie and I had a argument and it was not good. Mostly about the friends he was hanging with. But the next day the 6th he got up and talked with me and telling me of his plans of school later on. I know he was depressed and I believe now Bipiolar too. I too had the guilt and still do. He was such a neat kid and could have went so far. I believe he was a child who was lost in the system. I went through so many changes, I still think of him every minute of every day. Now I try and think of the memories and can smile . I know this is hard and only you and I know what we have to live with. Try not to be so hard on yourself because I would bet my life on this that there was something else going on. We as parents sometimes feel we are too hard only because we woant our children to grow up and be "okay" and have a good life and learn, maybe things we did not. The guilt will eventually ease up . I cant say it will ever be gone. Some times I still search for answers, I was told once by a member of a group I belong to that we can search and search we can find some answers but there is always another question. I hold to the thought that someday I will see him again and I will know the answer. I believe that evrerything happens for a reason, I dont like whatever the reason may be but it had better be good. Your days ahead will be hard and you will never get over it you will learn to live with it. Hang on to your memories, they are precious. I have had a bad few days and the Holidays are here so that makes it worse, every thing you see will remind you, I still when out shopping I say Mikie would love this and it is so hard. Mikie would have been 20 in Dec. and it seems as though it was only yesterday I was talking to him. Hold on to your own memories and thoughts. God has him in the palm of his hand now. I know when I was told these things it kinda made me mad because people just don"t understand, but now I do. God took my son to take care of him. I do miss him , I cry for him, and just want him home with me, but then it all comes back.. I dont know your son but I can bet money he loved you more than you know and is now watching out for you. I hope some of this helps you. Keep in touch I feel we have so much in common. Just dont let the guilt tear you up, I will pray for you and your family. Take Care now Amy PS If I dont get back soon , I will. I will try and get a way to get my PHone No to you and my email maybe we can talk. Amy

Attachments:

• Mikie and his buddy Isaac.jpg, 1.1 MB

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on December 12, 2008 at 7:26am

Dear Julie,
I have started this reply a dozen times because I can only imagine your pain. I have been involved with mental health for 12 years while taking care of my sister. Bipolar illness is devastating and you have to realize it really was an illness and not something you could control. My sister had pretty severe schizophrenia and she died at the age of 48. She was on psychotropic drugs for years and her heart just gave out. NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) offers family support and a lot of information that might help you understand what your son was going through. I became a board member and ultimately met others who had lost their children to suicide mostly because of bipolar. Some parents chose to stay involved in the organization so they could help others and keep their own sanity. I don't really know where I am going with this other than to share with you what I have learned. You are not to blame the illness was! If you can contact NAMI in your area maybe it would help. It might help to know that behavioral issues and frustrations were all part of this illness. My heart really broke when I read your story. I will keep you in my prayers.
Stephanie (sister--Abigail Hoda)

Permalink Reply by romy on November 19, 2008 at 1:43am

I just lost a friend whom I genuinely loved to suicide, I found him on this past Friday and it was too late. He had told other people besides me that his broken heart and worn body was too much, that he had all these ways he could but this was months ago....well I like so many others checked on him more often, spent time with him, I told him how special he was. He was supposed to be on medication. My friend was older than me considerably, broken hearts are difficult to mend as it is but his body was wracked with pain. Abandoned by his own family and living alone, I tried to include him with mine. He did not understand my love of him or my concern for his welfare! I explained that I could not help but admire him and valued his friendship highly. He began to really seem happier! He even dropped a bit of weight and looked great! I even told him how handsome he was. He had so many friends and people who stopped by. I gave him countless hugs and did my best to convince him that his life had such value! There were dinners at his friends homes regularly. There wasn't anyone where we live that did not call him friend if they just to meet him once! This past week, I checked on him because he could not be reached by phone. I found him after he was gone but it was a peaceful although intentional suicide. I was angry and then tormented as if I could somehow have changed what happened at first! It is not for us to change and there is not always a way to prevent suicide. I have had to live with this before from early on, a Grandmother committed suicide when I was very young but I lived with this knowledge...I did not have to check her pulse, touch her face and say goodbye like this! I did not have to notify her family as I did his. I have a twin sister that at the age of 14 attempted suicide twice in one day, upon getting in a locked bathroom door and preventing her both times (she had gotten drunk)....she went on in our difficult childhood understanding what it would have done to me. Although she bears the scars on her wrists.....she is here today, married happily and about to turn 45! I had also found my Mother in Law but she had passed on of natural causes. Today I found out someone else I know just died. Life is precious, short and we need to embrace every day. Life will make us stronger if we understand that even suicide can be forgiven and you can go on! I could not fix his broken heart but I will honor him in the wonderful things I can convey of him. Of all the relatives I have lost and other tragedies in my life....I can smile and feel the happiness of life. It is always there is you can just see through your tears the sun will always rise again!

Permalink Reply by romy on November 23, 2008 at 7:26pm

I can not convey my condolences enough to anyone who has lost someone to suicide. Do you have a boyfriend or husband? Being held and comforted goes a long way by someone else you love! I went thru the what if, could have I have stopped him, could I have said something to change it....NO This happens when a person makes their own decision in spite of you! It can be due to pain they are feeling either emotional or physical or both but......the blame? They do chose themselves to follow through! In my situation growing up, what caused my twin to attempt suicide? Why not me? The difference is choice, I chose not to give in, instead I stood up for myself and it was hard going on through some really tough times unrelated to losing people. Sometimes a person can't seem to feel their life can go on or they give up! Your brother was victimized, it is terrible how he was treated. He chose despite how you felt about him, it was not about you. He was unable to go on in his emotional pain she had caused. Had he lived, he might have gone on to find an incredible woman and find happiness, he was not able to! He needs to be forgiven. As for her? I believe what goes around comes around and God, if you believe, will ultimately judge her! Your brother was a victim but you don't have to be. I reflected on every conversation etc. I had with my friend and I did everything I felt I could as a friend to prevent this. You did too! There is something to be grateful for, your brother and my friend did not take anyone with them. Think about the relevance of this! They did not do it to cause pain but to eliminate their own pain.

I had no one come by my door, I had no calls and no contact with my neighbors where I live on a very small mainly vacation home island. My sisters, it took a couple days to even talk to them. I could only contact them through email at first. One day, this man's wife came by my door! I cried as I told her what happened, while she didn't. Then another lady came by to clear up a rumour she had heard! It never occurred to anyone here that maybe they might have checked on me! I don't feel sorry about it, but it shows charactor how people get through these tragedies. The support you need is through talking about him and all the great things you can remember. WE need to celebrate life...no one is going to do it for us. My twin through this, thanked me! For all I have done for her and for being such a support her whole life. I appreciate your message very much. There was not a time I cried today and that is progress. We drove past his house where his grandson and son were in the yard (apparently, they visited the home, went back on the ferry today). Where were his family before? I commented without crying that it would have been nice had they taken the time to see him before.

I wish you the best in healing...it takes time.

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on November 27, 2008 at 10:09am

In May my son Brandon shot him self. I knew he was upset but didn't know he would do what he did. My wife and I last saw him in in late March when he and his new girl friend came over to visit. He seemed very happy and I thought this was what he was looking for. In 1985 he lost his his mother when he was seven years old. He and his mom were two peas in a pod. They were best buds. He's been very hurt ever since. He always told me he wouldn't live to his 30th birthday. May 20th he was 29 two weeks short of his birthday. What's hard for me to understand is how many of his friends felt he was their best friend. I mean scores of friends. He still to this day has friends add comments to his MySpace page. I miss him daily and pray to God that he's protecting my boy. I hope he's found his mom and they are together.

Permalink Reply by romy on November 28, 2008 at 12:02am

I am so sorry about your son. Their age does not make it easier or harder, it is always heart wrenching and indescribable, my sister once lost a young baby due to incurable illness! My friend was more than twice your son's age! Knowing they talked about it or had the emotional tendency to do it does not make it any easier (which he did at one point). He did not repeat that particular conversation as he knew how upset it made me. I chose to believe my friend would not (although I was warned to not get close to him) and thought my friendship might help his broken heart. I did not have what he needed to mend....he had alot of physical pain as well so although I do not concede to his decision, there is more to understand of his actions. My friend's wife was showered with condolences from this man's "friends" all maintaining how great he was.... I was a closer friend by choice, listening to confidential matters of his heart, spending time with him speaking about his interests and how his life had gone...he was considerably older than I. I knew what he wanted to do last and didn't. I knew what he felt were his failings and how others had failed him....he always maintained his unworthiness in connection to who was responsible. He was amazing in so many ways. He did this despite our friendship and my family's caring manner towards him. It wasn't about us, but he meant for us to find him which we did. Again, so many friends but we are whom he wished to be found by! He went peacefully as if asleep. Although I can not condone his actions he is now without pain and I will treasure the memory of this very special man. I don't think we are supposed to understand but we have to accept it.

Permalink Reply by John Taylor on December 5, 2008 at 8:13am

Romy, thanks for story about your friend. Many of the things that you stated, in gerenal could apply to my sons frame a mind at the time of his end. It's just so hard to let him go. In many ways you don't want to admit it but he'll never come back or visit, hear his voice, enjoy his smile, watch him be the stand up guy he grew into. He was such a good young man, I'm very proud of who my son grew up to be, I just miss him like crazy. Thanks again, JBT

Permalink Reply by msphatboy on December 1, 2008 at 4:27pm

My daugher died Jan. 18, 2008 by suicide. She was 23 years old living in S.C., in the Air Force. I've had moments that I thought and felt like I am going to go crazy. I do have more good days than bad days. The first thought in my mind when I wake up is her and the last thought on my mind when I go to bed is her. This is truly the hardest part of my life. She was my life. It took me 4 years to get pregent with her and I always called her MY STAR. She was and is my Star. Sat. night I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt of not doing more for her. Guilt of not being there for her. I live in Nevada and we talked all the time. Guilt of not being able to hold her and tell her I am sorry, sorry for the pain she was going through. The first thought that crossed my mind when I was told about her death was I wanted to hold her and tell her sorry and I couldn't do it. I am needing some advice on how to deal with or get past the guilt.

Permalink Reply by romy on December 1, 2008 at 10:52pm

There is no one way to deal with the unusual challenges faced by the grief of losing a child by way of suicide. Suicides happen despite having love extended to them, either by parents, friends or spouses. There is time to help soften the jolting pain but you will feel pain always for your loss, it was not your fault. She didn't do it to you, it was despite what you meant to her, she felt that it was the only way out of her pain. I found a very close friend after suicide, probably the best thing was to be able to touch his face, tell him how I felt which he already knew and that I would miss him, saying goodbye. It did help even though that was traumatic, I could handle it and time allowed me to understand....my goodbye was very personal. I didn't feel like I needed to attend his service. I am sure that your daughter knew how you felt as you talked to her all the time! Being called a star, how wonderful she must have felt growing up that way! There is little control over what our children will go through. I am very sorry to hear about your young daughter! You have to forgive yourself...it wasn't about you. She needs to be forgiven for giving in to a terrible decision. I was two houses away from my friend, he could have called me night or day. He had a broken heart and severe physical pain. He gave up one day...knowing I was coming over to give him a homemade treat. He even invited my husband over, which he didn't usually do. He made the effort to speak to family and some friends, he even stopped by my home the day prior. Try to treasure the special memories you have and allow her to live in your heart and through them!

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