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Hi, I am so sorry for everyone's losses. My mother committed suicide when I was 9. I have never really dealt with it or gotten over it. It colors my every thought, mood, action. My twin sister has attempted suicide several times. My son attempted suicide his junior year of high school. He is a freshman in college now and doing pretty well (I think? I will never again trust my sense of how he is doing. I thought he was a happy-go-lucky high school student. Anyone else would have said the same thing. This was totally out of the blue.) He wasn't diagnosed as depressed, and we were told it was an "unthinking act of adolescent rage."

My problem is that I live in fear that he will do it again, and if he does, I will not survive. I feel surrounded by suicide and I can't escape it. I feel that if I have to live through one more, I will become suicidal myself. I can't imagine "getting over" a loved one's suicide, as I am having a very difficult time even getting over my son's attempt. I am angry at him for doing this to us (I know... selfish) and fearful of it happening again. And now I'm afraid of his sister/my daughter doing the same thing some day. It would kill me. It would be worse than death. I could not live with that pain. I almost regret having kids. I thought all that was left in the past; in my generation of my family, but my son has carried it forward into my new family. I can't escape it. Suicide has made me a prisoner. I know we are lucky that he didn't die that day, but in a way, something did. I still feel that I am mourning/grieving. It's strange... and so painful.
My name is Kaitlyn and I am 17 years old. Last year on March 15, 2008 I lost my father to suicide. I still haven't been able to fully cope. There are things about his suicide that I have never reveled to anyone who didn't already know. I'm going to share that today in hopes that someone will read it and somehow a life will be touched, and in hopes that it will help me cope with the loss of my father. On March 15 it was an ordinary day I went to work and passed the house my father was painting (he was an amazing painter) i passed the house at 8:45 a.m. I went to work and worked a normal morning of work as if nothing was wrong. I took my break at 10:15 and checked my phone to see that I had a text message from my father that he sent at 8:36 a.m. and it simply stated "i love you kiddo" Thats what he called me, kiddo. At 1:25 my boss received a phone call that my uncle was going to come and pick me up that there was something going on at home. I walked in the door to see my mother and my 8 year old sister crying....my mother had told me that my father had hung himself and that he had passed away...i fell to the floor and screamed. There were so many emotions that I felt empty after 5 minutes. I later went to my uncles to talk about arrangements for the funeral to find out details about my fathers death ( this is the first time i have shared this information) My father had passed on at 8:45 a.m. the exact time that I passed the house he was in ( he committed suicide at work because he knew no one would be there till later that day.) I learned that he had the bible open to the same passage his older brother had it open to when he had committed suicide...my father was surrounded by pictures of me and my two sisters and my brother. There were no notes only a single text message to all of us. I couldn't believe what had happened because i had just been hanging out with him the night before and we were laughing and having a good time. My father was an amazing man who had his flaws but was unable to reach out for help. He was always lending a helping hand and never received it. I miss my father everyday, and his voice fades more and more as time goes on. His memory will never fade.There were so many things that i my father will miss out on. He will miss me graduate, my senior prom, my sister growing old, my wedding. He has already missed his first grandchild, my son Landon who was born December 18, The only thing that has helped me get through my dads passing away is my son. He's the most precious thing to me and it's almost as if God sent me my son because it was my dads time to go.


I share my story in hopes that it will help me cope with the loss of my father as well as hoping that it will help someone realize that they have so much to live for if they are thinking about killing themselves.

Rest in Peace
Michael Wade Sexton
June 6, 1964 to March 15,2008
May God welcome you with open arms.
I love you daddy, and i'll always be your lil girl.
Ms. Kaitlyn, I too have a daughter named Katelynn, she is 17 also, a junior in highschool. We both lose my son, Brandon on May 20th, 2008 to suicide. I feel extremly sad for your lose of both your dad and your brother. Suicide is such a waste and hurts so many who are left behind to face that pain. That emptiness feeling we have when we consently think of those who we have lost.

When I was in my twenties my uncle on my mothers side shot himself when he knew he would have to return to prison due to a DWI. My son shot himself for the pain he had been dealing with since his mother was murdered in 1985. I tried to explain to my kids that suicide was a cowards way out when my uncle died not understanding how depression and dispear can effect ones clear thinking. I was wrong on how I felt when I was younger. Unfortunately I was unable to reach my son in time before his demise.

Please know that your father loved you tremdously as all us fathers and mothers love our children. Your mother will need you more than ever now. Please be a strength for her and your sister. They need you, and you them more than ever. Be strong! My family and my Katelynn will pray for you and your family that Gods grace and guidence will ease your pain in the coming times ahead. Please know your father is still with you and will see you again. You'll be together soon enough. He would want you to live your live to the fullest and help the rest of your family through the sad times ahead. Please take care, sincerely. JBT Arlington, TX.
My sister was buried March 6 2009. At the funeal home the Director said " She did Not die from suicide". She said, She died. Suicide was her means of passing. Some of those of us who were sitting there gave a huge response of gratitude. To accepte this as a way of understanding and allowing to see another way of looking at her passing.
I see it just as sadness. Of so much pain. Why I didn't ask the right questions or show that I was able to help. Leaves me with a Loss a Huge Loss. She was only 44. Somehow she didn't want to keep going. That tomorrow was to painful for her. I still don't accept that. We have a 83 year old mom. She was the only one who didn't work , twice a week she would take a bus over and they would have long visits. I'm still not satisfied it was suicide. Why would she do this to mom? I don't think she would. The autopsy showed nothing. The toxicology report hasn't come back. Will it make a difference? I don't know. I just want this to not have happened. I want to wake up soon and have it as it was in Jan.

John Taylor said:
Ms. Kaitlyn, I too have a daughter named Katelynn, she is 17 also, a junior in highschool. We both lose my son, Brandon on May 20th, 2008 to suicide. I feel extremly sad for your lose of both your dad and your brother. Suicide is such a waste and hurts so many who are left behind to face that pain. That emptiness feeling we have when we consently think of those who we have lost.

When I was in my twenties my uncle on my mothers side shot himself when he knew he would have to return to prison due to a DWI. My son shot himself for the pain he had been dealing with since his mother was murdered in 1985. I tried to explain to my kids that suicide was a cowards way out when my uncle died not understanding how depression and dispear can effect ones clear thinking. I was wrong on how I felt when I was younger. Unfortunately I was unable to reach my son in time before his demise.

Please know that your father loved you tremdously as all us fathers and mothers love our children. Your mother will need you more than ever now. Please be a strength for her and your sister. They need you, and you them more than ever. Be strong! My family and my Katelynn will pray for you and your family that Gods grace and guidence will ease your pain in the coming times ahead. Please know your father is still with you and will see you again. You'll be together soon enough. He would want you to live your live to the fullest and help the rest of your family through the sad times ahead. Please take care, sincerely. JBT Arlington, TX.
I lost my Boyfriend Jay of of almost 4 years and the father of my little girl to suicide in 2006... I am glad that i can talk about this to people that understand what i am going through. i was there when he did it in fact i had the gun in my hands three times, and i keep tellin myself that i could have stoped him.. and all the what ifs, this still bothers me so bad and i miss him so much.. i have so many questions that i want answerd and to tell u the truth they well never get answerd because he took them with him... so please someone help me understand the hurt, and the anger that i have inside of me, i can't stand the feelings that i have inside.. it is such a hard thing to deal with!!
Amanda, I can relate to what your going through as I to had the gun in my hands that my brother,Dean, used to kill himself almost a year ago..May 6, 2008. My brother had purchased a rifle and had placed it in the trunk of his car. A few days later he had let another one of our brothers, Bob, use his car to run some errands. While out running errands Bob stopped at my house for a little visit. Bob told me about Dean making the purchase of the rifle. I asked him where the rifle was and Bob told me it was in the trunk of Dean's car in which was now parked in my driveway. I asked Bob for the keys to the car and opened the trunk and found, just as Bob said, the rifle. I took it from the trunk and brought it into my house and placed it as far in the back of my closet as possible. I told Bob to be honest with Dean when he asks where the gun was and not to make up a story that someone must have stold(sp) it or that he didn't know. I wanted Dean to know I had it because he would know why I took it since he had told me numerous times that he had thoughts of suicide. For over a year Dean had been dealing with many problems. He and I had our problems over the years and had one huge blow up in 2005 and we had not spoken or seen one another for 2 years. One night though in the Spring of 2007 Dean called me very distressed. He was having an anxiety attack and apparently it was bad , he wanted my help. I suffered with anxiety/panic attacks for a few years after my divorce in 2001 and Dean knew this and had talked to my mother who in turn persuaded him to call me in hopes to help him. His call to me that night was our closure to those past few years and to become brother and sisiter again. He apoligised for causing the rift between us and that was all I needed to hear. I went to him that night and helped him through his attack. I told him he really needed to find someone professional to talk to as there is medication that would help him, that suffering with anxiety was something he didn't have to do with medication..of course he said he didn't want to seek help that he would get a handle on it as soon as he got his problems ironed out. I didn't push the subject anymore that night but each and every time he would call or come over for my help to talk him through his attacks I would tell him again to seek professional help for his anxiety and get medication.
When my brother, Bob returned Dean's car after running errands he told Dean that the rifle was no longer in his trunk and that I had it put away (there was no bullets in the gun). Bob said Dean didn't get upset at all about the fact I took it from his trunk and had kept it. 2 weeks later I was visiting my mother and Dean came home from work (he had been living with her after the sale of his home) and offered to drive me home. It's about an hours drive back to my house and I could tell Dean was troubled about something. As we talked he opened up about what was troubleing him. We talked all the way back to my house and he said I was of great help to him and he felt much better. He dropped me off and as I was walking up the walk towards my house he rolls down his car window and says"Hey Lin, I love you"..I turned around and said"I love you too". He left and I came into the house. 2 hours later he and my brother Bob come by because Bob needed to use my computer since his wasn't working. After about 30 minutes Dean tells me he needs the gun, that he had a buddy who wanted to buy it. I told him that he could have his friend come to my house for it. Dean said that he wanted to take the gun to his friend himself and that the friend didn't have a car. I then told Dean to give me the friend's phone number so I could talk to him and confirm this. By this time Dean was getting very aggitated with me and started to become his old self with getting very demanding and loud. He demanded I give him the gun that it was his and I had no right telling him he couldn't have it. Dean wasn't easy to get along with alot of the time of years past but I thought he had made headway with his short fused temper but right then I could see he didn't really have a hold on it and he was going to explode. I asked Bob who was sitting at the computer if he knew it to be true of this friend wanting to buy the gun, he said he knew the guy had mentioned it but he couldn't say if it was a sure thing about the purchase. Dean got up from the chair he was sitting in and told me to just go get the gun. I asked him if he was telling me the truth,,he said he absolutely was telling the truth. I said to him to please not lie to me ...he knew what I meant,,he promised he wasn't going to anything stupid. Reluctantly, I went to my bedroom closet, took the gun out and brought it to the kitchen where I wrapped it up in a flannel sheet and wrapped tape all around it.
The next morning around 7:15 my mother calls sobbing, she told me my brother had just shot himself. I got there within the hour, 3 sheriff cars , an ambulance and my brothers car with the driver's door wide open at my mother's. The area all taped off and I knew then my brother was gone. My brother was still alive when my mom called, she was kneeling on the floor next him, pleading with God not to take her son.
Dean had left the house about 6:30 am that morning, drove just down the street to the neighborhood mail boxes where he parked his car just behind the building where he was mainly out of sight, put the gun into position of his chest and managed to somehow pull the trigger. How he managed to drive his car back down the street , pull in my moms driveway, shut his car off, get out of his car walk up the drive, up 5 steps to the deck , get to the door into my moms, go inside a few steps, call out to my mom who knew something was wrong by the sound of his voice and shot from her bed and found him just as she opened her bedroom door, he told her he had just shot himself and fell to his knee's, she helped him lie down and called 911. He lived about 15 minutes, died before the paramedics arrived and died in our mothers arms.
Amanda, I know so many of the feelings you are feeling and what your going through. The guilt I felt was more than I could bear, I thought I would lose my mind because I felt I am the one who pulled the trigger since I am the one who handed the gun back to him but almost a year later I no longer feel as guilty, I still have my moments of blaming myself but I do know in my heart I am not to blame as your not to blame for your boyfriend's death either.
This may sound strange to some who don't believe but it actually has been my brother himself who has helped me get through this past year, Dean has come to me numerous times through dreams and other ways..and because of him I now have a peace in knowing he is finally happy, he isn't suffering as he did in his physical life, he told me in one dream that the language there is different but the angels were teaching him.

Amanda, my heart goes out to you for your loss, my prayers are with you. I am here if you need to talk as are so many others of us here . We all in some way know what your going through and will help you along your way to healing.
Love, Linda
My deepest sympathies are extended to all of you here.

I'm afraid I few answers and am reeling from the news that my dearest nephew took his own life by hanging sometime on Fri. April 17th. My siblings and I are close and many of our children grew up being friends as well as cousins.
My eldest sister lost her oldest son 3 years ago after he had a heart attack at age 39, she still grieves his loss. Now for her to lose her younger son to suicide, now also at the age of 39 is just an unthinkable horror. I'm 3000 miles away and won't be there for her as she goes through this unbearable process. She does have a good husband and most of my brothers and sisters will spend time with her.
Her son spent a lot of time at my home when he was young, and we've always kept in touch. He leaves behind a wife and 2 young sons. I feel my sister's loss significantly, but I feel my loss as well of this precious young man. God how I will miss his sunny disposition. I suppose we'll never know what makes someone 'snap' and feel that life isn't worth living anymore.
I'm feeling that if I still lived in the area and not totally across the country he may have come to me for help or advice. He had been dead, hanging in his garage for approx. 12 hours when he was found.
Right now I'm dealing with my husband who has a terminal illness and would LOVE to live to a very old age. And then to imagine this young man throwing his life away is so painful.
This is all just too fresh for me to know how to deal with this loss yet, I feel so sad.
I wrote my own son a letter letting him know how precious he is to me and how proud I am of him.
God bless all of you who have suffered a loss and I'm thankful I 'stumbled' across this site and to be able to vent my feelings....Barbara in Oregon
first off i would like to say..that i am very enlightened to have found this website, and to see that there are many other ppl that are going thru what i am. suicide i would say is the worst way to go, because you are doing it to yourself,..and you couldn't even imagine the way that person would feel, even though you were so close to them..I Miss Pat everyday, still. He hung himself on New years of 07,,, its been two and a half years and some times it feels like it still happend yesterday...we were friends for about a year, and were together for about a year and a half. I was always a very confusing, misunderstood person. Until I met him. It was so natural, we fell in love so naturally. its like God sent him to me. the one that cared for me, loved me accepted me for who I was. I never had to think about what i had to say, worry about wht he would think.,, never felt uncomfortable, (unless maybe he was sneakin me in to his moms basement) hahah. He was perfect. We would say that our love was so strong, it could never be broken. I know if he was still here, we would still be strong like that...despite our problems that every relationship has.. Pat was my whole world, oen that I could share my deepest secrets with, no problem..I miss him more than anything and I would get stabbed over and over and overr just to have him back. He was only 18 when he did this, and I am now 18. I can't seem to know why sumbody so young would want to end this, I knew he had problems..but I was so blinded by reality..I wish there was sumthing I culd hav said or done, or hve known the things I know now back then.......maybe it wud b diffrent..but i dnt think so because if sumbody will do that I think they will do it whether its now or in 5 yrs, if its in they head they will do it...but I hate it, and I hate myself now....my one true love, the one i couldve spent my whole life with...I am mature for my age, very mature. and he was too. my one true love, the memories the memories never ending...I was so mesmorized just by watching him and looking at him, even when he would sleep HAHA. I could just stare at him forever, smiling, never get tired of him...one of a kind...a king..baby i miss you more than anything<3

Alisha said:
I have just recently lost the one I love, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years, my best friend, my lover, my companion....he committed suicide by gun shot on Friday January the 16th 2009, and was alive for 2 days after that...he passed away at 10:35 am on Sunday January 18th 2009...I feel so bad and depressed right now...i was the last one to talk to him...I received a call about, well not even a minute later from his sister and she was yelling at me and crying telling me why did i do this to her brother and that he shot himself in the head and he wasnt breathing, I didnt believe her I asked her what are you talking about?She replied again the same thing she just said, she then proceeded to tell me that she didnt want to talk to someone who did this to her brother...I immediately fell to the floor crying....i was at a loss for words and was intent in my own thoughts and feelings....I felt guilty because a few months ago we moved in with each other and I ended up putting him out of my house 3 weeks before this but it was because of very good reasons, he started becoming abusive and i felt like my life was in danger every time he started to get angry ...long story short, we got back together and a week before he did this i just explained to him that i needed time and that we needed to be apart...i guess he couldnt grasp it but he knew that he had done me very very wrong for quite a while...the night this happened i was on my way home from work, but something told me DONT GO HOME because i knew that he was mad, so i didnt, i went straight to my cousins house...he was repeatedly calling and texting me...he ended up texting his suicide note to my phone and thats when i got the call from his sister....i cant even explain how tramatic this is for me....his sister still blames me and i feel like she has told the world that this is all my fault...i get threats from people because of her and what she has told people...his funeral was the hardest thing ive ever had to deal with in my life...actually it was the hardest day of my life...his casket was closed throughout the funeral and as they wheeled his casket down the ile, i thought that they had put him in the hurst, but to my shock they had opened his casket for the first time at the front doors so you had to walk by and see him before you left the church...i was walking and my eyes fell upon his face, he didnt look like himself at all,i felt my knees give out and blackness surrounding me, i dont even remember getting into the car, i remember hyperventalating and felt that i couldnt breathe....i couldnt even go to his burial because i couldnt take anymore pain....I try to remind my self everyday that this is not my fault, and God has helped me get this far and i thank my family for being here for me through this hard time....i can now talk about and im not crying every minute....so thanks to God and my family and friends because without them i would be a terrible mess right now...R.I.P Demontre Cartrel Carter...01-01-1990-01-18-2009....I love you....09-26-06<3 Always in my heart!!
Two months ago I lost my best friend to suicide. I was sitting in a class for my job and I received a text message from a friend telling me that my best friend's body had been found; she hung herself. We didn't become best friends until our junior year in high school. We were both cheerleaders, so we got to spend an extra amount of time with each other; by the end of our senior year we were inseparable. When I read the text it didn't make sense to me, I couldn't let the thought of her being dead "process." I sat there hoping that I would receive a text saying "Nevermind, it's not true," but I never received that text or phone call. I hoped that it was a dream and that I would wake up from it and everything would be okay. It didn't really sink in until I called her mom and heard her crying on the other end of the phone. Never did I think I would receive a text message or phone call saying that my best friend had committed suicide. How am I supposed to cope? How do I accept this? Why did she do it? were just a few of the many questions that I asked myself. She always smiled and it took a lot to "tick" her off. How did we miss the signs, if there were any. How can you not notice that your friend isn't acting the same? I wish I could have saw her one more time before Feb. 21. There are so many words that are left unsaid. I get so mad at her sometimes.... Did she not stop to think of all the people that she would be hurting? Did she know that she had people in her life that could have turned to? The pictures and memories I have of her aren't enough....
I lost my ex-husband to suicide, He had hung him self,and his 11 yr and 13 yr found him, Even know we were Divorced, I still had feeling's for him, and my step children. I was so upset that he would do this to him and his children, and knowing that his children would find him. But i have forgive him as his children did. And to day..May 25,2009 they found my Brother-in-Law dead on his bed, He shot him self in the mouth. He and my sister were married for 24 yr, and she left him a year ago for his best friend. And he has two children over 20 yr. But I realy loved randy, that was his name. I married his brother robert and we had three children together, But we divorced in 1989. But randy really loved sylvia. and his son thinks it is his fault, which of course it wasnt.I pray he is happy and well and with god and all his love ones that he has lost in his life. God Bless

Wendy
I lost my aunt in aug 08 and then my mother in law Dec 1 of 08 and my beautiful granddaughter Jan 10,09 and my brother in law today may 25.09. How much more can anyone take. I cant....
Wendy, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to understand why things like this happen and all so close together. You are just getting up and then something else pushes you down. Just know that others do care and take care of yourself. suep

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