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I am so sorry that you lost your son. I am a Christian, and I do have beliefs on suicide. However, I not only know that the bible says that the Lords thoughts are far above our own, and I am also Bi-Polar. As a Christian, it has been very hard for me to live with this brain disease. There is very little support in the Christian community fo rindividuals such as your son and myself, and I think this is because people are so caught up with the image of things. People with mental illness has multi- varied personality querks and behaviors that only serve to ostracize them from society. I personally believe that from suffering with this disease, you can learn to control, at least somewhat moderately the outbursts and other behaviors that come along with such a poor mood balance. But to do so, would be the equivalent of trying to overcome a terminal illness. It takes just as much tenacity to do so. I have of recent become a quick fan of Kay-Jamison Redfield who is a tenure clinical psychologist, and is herself a suffere of Bi-polar disorder. She was able to sum up very fluently the discription of a psychotic mood, in which she says it is a deep succumption into darkness, and at the times, the only solution is death. I tend to weigh such things on a balance always comparable to the Spiritual Word that I have accumulated after years of intense bible study. I do believe that the answer to all illness and disease is i the hands of the Almighty God. However, I also believe that very few human beings have the Spiritual capacity to dwelve with God into the realms that give us the access to conquer the evil principalities of illness and death. (Period.) For myself, I have taken on this recourse with the best of my abilities thus far. I amnot nearly disciplined for the type of prayer and fasting maintenance that is required to overcome these matters. So, to the best of my ability, I am able to at least learn what the matters and the strongholds are that tie us to these behaviors, and work to educate others about them, so that at the minimum, maybe someone will learn what they are up against, and stop blaming themselves. I believe that just as there are chemical make-ups and other biological factors that make us susceptible to diseases, both mental and physical. I also believe that there is also a Spiritual element for the same things. Since we are transient beings. Both physical and Spiritual. All of these issues go back to one key word, and that is balance. It has been discovered that cancer cannot exist in the body of a person with a proper ph balance. Nor can mental illness exist in the mind of a person with an proper neurotransmission balance. There are many factors which cause improper balance, and it presents itself physically, because it was originally spiritual. Before birth sometimes even. But that is neither her nor there. The key element is control. Self-control, weight control. diet control. A number of things. I have found that the thing that helps me when my illness begins taking over, is no.1 recognizing that I am indeed going into psychosis. Identifying the trigger. There always is one. Understanding tha for every action our bodies make, or fpr every emotion that we have, there is a chemical reaction that takes place in our brain. Stress is hard to manage in the mind of a mntally healthy individual. For, someone mentally ill, stress is like having a flu on top of an immune deficiency, and like someone in such a predicament, for any person going through that type of situation, it should be handled with intensive care. The problem with mental illness, is that all the symptoms are trapped in the brain. Fever, headache, nausea; if we were to see a physically ill person exhibit these symptoms, as a loved one, we would be readily attentive for the most part. For a mentally ill person, these symptoms are carried most dangerously in the heart and mind, usually exhibiting itself in the summations of the DSM1v. We cannot SEE a loved one having rapid thoughts, are frequently thinking about death, and so on. But when the matters become terminal, those behaviors tend to come to the fore. I too have lost a son this past year, not to suicide, but to murder. Over the past year, I have delved into the full of this grief. Many times alone with just myself and my higher power. It hasn't been easy. I too have developed ptsd which I began managing better once I identified that it was from my extreme anger with my son's murderers. (Members of my own immediate family.) He got into some drugs or medicine that was carelessly left out, and once he began exhibiting obvious physiological symptoms, they withheld medical care, until there was no hope for any. They have access to a little bit of money, and were probably more afraid of losing access to that, then they were of losing my son's life. CLearly. But the coping has been my redemption. I have come to understand mortality, and no longer fear my own, or do I have the need to sublimally pretend that death will never breach my doorway. A quote I take froma movie I didn't see all of, and despised what I did see, has stayed with me. "We are all dying." And from all that I have come to learn over this past year, has brought me to a very basic truth. For all that we live through in this human experience. Things seen and unseen. Things known and all unknown about the content of our lives. There is only God, and his order of the heavenlies, that truly know everything. We can guess, estimate, extrapulate, investigate, communicate, legate, judiciate, educate, and in the end all is vanity, for God knows all. So for this realization, what I have come to know as true, the undertone of my every belief in the Lord, is at the end of the day, you don't have to spend the rest of your life dying over the loss of a loved one. That is an emotional imabalance. There are a number of other things that will take you long before mourning ends your flame. So until that time, live. Live abundantly, and live free. Knowing, that when it is over, only God can judge you. It is my hope that any individual that has taken the time to read this entry, if you have not accepted the Lord as you personal savior, that perhaps this entry will plant the seed and inspire you to do so, so that you too may come to know the freedom and the peace that I have, even after such terrible losses.
1thes. 4:13: I would not have you brothers being ignorant in regards to those whom sleep, that ye would sorrow not, even as those that have no hope.
Sorrow not loved ones. Grieve for your season, for even the Lord knows that we must all mourn. But, sorrow not for the loss of life. Live for your today. This from an intensely bereft, grieving mother. His word has not return void. I still rejoice, for I know that even as I am dust, with life, I am still richly blessed. God bless u all. And Godspeed to your more abundant thinking and living from henceforth.

Grieving Mom said:
Hi. I lost my son to suicide at the young age of 22, a few months shy of his 23rd birthday. He was bi polar. The pain the hurt, the LIFETIME of grief ahead has left me very depressed. I didn't wanna take anti-depressants until I found myself writing goodbye letters to my family. I knew then I was in trouble. I sought help and am okay now. I am not doped up, no, I am able to cry, but more importantly, I am now able to function. To make the loss worse, my ex and I did not get along. He made my life a living heck at the wake, and the funeral. Lastly, he did not allow me to go to my son's apt (his name was on the lease as well) so I basically have NOTHING of my child's. I now suffer from PTSD. Meanwhile, life goes on for him. He is the one who found my child. He hung himself during a blackout. Toxicology confirmed high alcohol content. He had been fighting with his girl, and called her she never answered him. She knew he was in bad shape mentally and yet told nobody. I am hurt, angry, and overwhelmed with grief. I am now a 'changed woman' one who will never be the same. SOS imo, we change. Life will never ever be the same again. I do recommend a great book though: Danielle Steele''s book called In His Bright Light, The Story of Nick Traina, her son. Yes, he was bi polar also. It brought me comfort, tears, and some laughter. For any parent who has lost a child to suicide and know or suspect your child was bi polar, this is an AWESOME book. I got mine at the 1/2 price bookstore. God Bless Us....xoxo
I LOST MY BEST FRIEND TO SUICIDE WHEN HE WAS 18YRS OLD. I ALWAYS HAVE HIM IN MY HEART AND NEVER FORGET HIM HE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL SUPPORTIVE FRIEND ANYONE COULD HAVE AND I STILL MISS HIM SO MUCH TILL THIS DAY, BUT NOW I KNOW HES NOT ALONE MY MOM PASSED AWAY AUG 30TH, 08 AND SHE WAS LIKE A MOM TO HIM AND NOW THEY ARE TOGETHER WITH GOD WAITING FOR ME
http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/abby-hoda/homepage.aspx Tiffany, It has been awhile since I have been in touch but as I approach the date of the loss of my sister in Sept I started reading the posts again. I just want you to know your enlightenment on mental illness is so amazing to me and deeply touched my heart. My sister died of natural causes if taking 18 psychotropic meds per day can be considered natural. I appreciate your writing on this site because so many people turn to suicide to fight off the demons and the stigma they face every day. You are so right and word it so much better than I ever could about the symptoms of the illness and how "normal" people do not understand the diseases of the brain nor the symptoms. I cared for my sister for years and saw firsthand on a daily basis the struggle to balance what was real and what wasn't and yes I believe the Lord ultimately took her to a better place.The void in my heart is always there but like you I pray and talk to her through prayer on a regular basis. To the many families on this site I know you are devastated that your loved one reached that desperate point and took their own life but when the mind takes over it is hard to reach that person. I have many friends in the NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) Organization who even though they were involved and understood depression could not save their loved one. NAMI has a lot of information about depression, bipolar and suicide if you pull up their website. So many people don't like to associate depression and mental illness but it really is one of the most devastating illnesses. I included my sister Abby's website as a way to help any family dealing with this to know you are not alone. She was so special and fought such a brave fight before this horrible disease won out here on earth but she was truly the winner in the end. I love you ABBY and thank you Tiffany from the bottom of my heart. Stephanie

tiffany wheatley said:
I am so sorry that you lost your son. I am a Christian, and I do have beliefs on suicide. However, I not only know that the bible says that the Lords thoughts are far above our own, and I am also Bi-Polar. As a Christian, it has been very hard for me to live with this brain disease. There is very little support in the Christian community fo rindividuals such as your son and myself, and I think this is because people are so caught up with the image of things. People with mental illness has multi- varied personality querks and behaviors that only serve to ostracize them from society. I personally believe that from suffering with this disease, you can learn to control, at least somewhat moderately the outbursts and other behaviors that come along with such a poor mood balance. But to do so, would be the equivalent of trying to overcome a terminal illness. It takes just as much tenacity to do so. I have of recent become a quick fan of Kay-Jamison Redfield who is a tenure clinical psychologist, and is herself a suffere of Bi-polar disorder. She was able to sum up very fluently the discription of a psychotic mood, in which she says it is a deep succumption into darkness, and at the times, the only solution is death. I tend to weigh such things on a balance always comparable to the Spiritual Word that I have accumulated after years of intense bible study. I do believe that the answer to all illness and disease is i the hands of the Almighty God. However, I also believe that very few human beings have the Spiritual capacity to dwelve with God into the realms that give us the access to conquer the evil principalities of illness and death. (Period.) For myself, I have taken on this recourse with the best of my abilities thus far. I amnot nearly disciplined for the type of prayer and fasting maintenance that is required to overcome these matters. So, to the best of my ability, I am able to at least learn what the matters and the strongholds are that tie us to these behaviors, and work to educate others about them, so that at the minimum, maybe someone will learn what they are up against, and stop blaming themselves. I believe that just as there are chemical make-ups and other biological factors that make us susceptible to diseases, both mental and physical. I also believe that there is also a Spiritual element for the same things. Since we are transient beings. Both physical and Spiritual. All of these issues go back to one key word, and that is balance. It has been discovered that cancer cannot exist in the body of a person with a proper ph balance. Nor can mental illness exist in the mind of a person with an proper neurotransmission balance. There are many factors which cause improper balance, and it presents itself physically, because it was originally spiritual. Before birth sometimes even. But that is neither her nor there. The key element is control. Self-control, weight control. diet control. A number of things. I have found that the thing that helps me when my illness begins taking over, is no.1 recognizing that I am indeed going into psychosis. Identifying the trigger. There always is one. Understanding tha for every action our bodies make, or fpr every emotion that we have, there is a chemical reaction that takes place in our brain. Stress is hard to manage in the mind of a mntally healthy individual. For, someone mentally ill, stress is like having a flu on top of an immune deficiency, and like someone in such a predicament, for any person going through that type of situation, it should be handled with intensive care. The problem with mental illness, is that all the symptoms are trapped in the brain. Fever, headache, nausea; if we were to see a physically ill person exhibit these symptoms, as a loved one, we would be readily attentive for the most part. For a mentally ill person, these symptoms are carried most dangerously in the heart and mind, usually exhibiting itself in the summations of the DSM1v. We cannot SEE a loved one having rapid thoughts, are frequently thinking about death, and so on. But when the matters become terminal, those behaviors tend to come to the fore. I too have lost a son this past year, not to suicide, but to murder. Over the past year, I have delved into the full of this grief. Many times alone with just myself and my higher power. It hasn't been easy. I too have developed ptsd which I began managing better once I identified that it was from my extreme anger with my son's murderers. (Members of my own immediate family.) He got into some drugs or medicine that was carelessly left out, and once he began exhibiting obvious physiological symptoms, they withheld medical care, until there was no hope for any. They have access to a little bit of money, and were probably more afraid of losing access to that, then they were of losing my son's life. CLearly. But the coping has been my redemption. I have come to understand mortality, and no longer fear my own, or do I have the need to sublimally pretend that death will never breach my doorway. A quote I take froma movie I didn't see all of, and despised what I did see, has stayed with me. "We are all dying." And from all that I have come to learn over this past year, has brought me to a very basic truth. For all that we live through in this human experience. Things seen and unseen. Things known and all unknown about the content of our lives. There is only God, and his order of the heavenlies, that truly know everything. We can guess, estimate, extrapulate, investigate, communicate, legate, judiciate, educate, and in the end all is vanity, for God knows all. So for this realization, what I have come to know as true, the undertone of my every belief in the Lord, is at the end of the day, you don't have to spend the rest of your life dying over the loss of a loved one. That is an emotional imabalance. There are a number of other things that will take you long before mourning ends your flame. So until that time, live. Live abundantly, and live free. Knowing, that when it is over, only God can judge you. It is my hope that any individual that has taken the time to read this entry, if you have not accepted the Lord as you personal savior, that perhaps this entry will plant the seed and inspire you to do so, so that you too may come to know the freedom and the peace that I have, even after such terrible losses.
1thes. 4:13: I would not have you brothers being ignorant in regards to those whom sleep, that ye would sorrow not, even as those that have no hope.
Sorrow not loved ones. Grieve for your season, for even the Lord knows that we must all mourn. But, sorrow not for the loss of life. Live for your today. This from an intensely bereft, grieving mother. His word has not return void. I still rejoice, for I know that even as I am dust, with life, I am still richly blessed. God bless u all. And Godspeed to your more abundant thinking and living from henceforth.

Grieving Mom said:
Hi. I lost my son to suicide at the young age of 22, a few months shy of his 23rd birthday. He was bi polar. The pain the hurt, the LIFETIME of grief ahead has left me very depressed. I didn't wanna take anti-depressants until I found myself writing goodbye letters to my family. I knew then I was in trouble. I sought help and am okay now. I am not doped up, no, I am able to cry, but more importantly, I am now able to function. To make the loss worse, my ex and I did not get along. He made my life a living heck at the wake, and the funeral. Lastly, he did not allow me to go to my son's apt (his name was on the lease as well) so I basically have NOTHING of my child's. I now suffer from PTSD. Meanwhile, life goes on for him. He is the one who found my child. He hung himself during a blackout. Toxicology confirmed high alcohol content. He had been fighting with his girl, and called her she never answered him. She knew he was in bad shape mentally and yet told nobody. I am hurt, angry, and overwhelmed with grief. I am now a 'changed woman' one who will never be the same. SOS imo, we change. Life will never ever be the same again. I do recommend a great book though: Danielle Steele''s book called In His Bright Light, The Story of Nick Traina, her son. Yes, he was bi polar also. It brought me comfort, tears, and some laughter. For any parent who has lost a child to suicide and know or suspect your child was bi polar, this is an AWESOME book. I got mine at the 1/2 price bookstore. God Bless Us....xoxo
Laurie said:
October 31, 2007 was the last time I saw my husband. Our marriage was very rocky due to his drug addiction. He had attempted suicide in Sept 2007 after a continuous downward spiral since that July. I never thought I'd love a man the way I loved him. For my own sanity and safety, I had no choice but to leave him. He had been in and out of mental health facilities, however, the "system" believed he would be capable of surviving in the real world. I bought him a bus ticket to his hometown, hoping he would seek help there.

I continued to talk to him on the phone, refusing to see him. It was my way of holding on to him, the man I loved, without being hurt. He continued to refuse treatment for his addiction and mental health treatment. Although, he continuously told me me he was clean, I knew he wouldn't stay that way without treatment. On July 10, 2008, I was working a night shift when I received a text message from him telling me he sent me an e-mail. He knew I was working that night, and I wouldn't check my e-mail until the next morning. Like always, I checked my e-mail the next morning shortly after arriving home from work. It was no different from phone conversations or letters he had written. He always manipulated friends and loved ones with suicidal verbage. I responded to his e-mail, but he never received it. An hour later, I received the call that he was found in his bed that morning by his father. It was determined he died during the night. Because of health conditions, his parents assumed he died naturally and an autopsy wasn't performed. I, however, knew differently. Family members cleaned the room later that day and stumbled upon a suicide note. It was never known the true cause of death, my guess would be an insulin overdose, as this was previously attempted. It doesn't matter how he did it. He's gone, and I will always carry a certain amount of guilt with me. My heart will never be whole again. What could I have done differently? I get so angry with him, still to this day. He left behind two beautiful daughters (from a previous marriage). Suicide is such a selfish act. I understand a mentally ill, drug addicted person isn't going to see it that way. But, what about the living? Our questions will never be answered. Will I carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life? iv>
My brother, Allen,49 years old, committed suicide 3 years ago-May 10, 2006. It was the Wednesday before Mother's Day. He shot himself! The bullet went straight through his heart. His wife had left him. How could he do this to the rest of the family that loved him so much. My mother, my brother Dennis who had stayed with him, consoling him and then the minute Dennis leaves after Allen had promised he wouldn't do anything he shoots himself. He left such a mess that everybody else had to deal with. I'm still so angry with him, for being weak,for being selfish and for loving that woman more than he loved us. How can I come to grips with these feelings? This last Wednesday, a dear friend of ours, only 31 years old, committed the same act and it seems for the same reason. I thought men were suppose to be stronger! How can I help my friends when I haven't been able to help myself with the unanswered questions?
I'm sorry I may have put this entry in the wrong place, this is my first time on this website.
My husband, Jerry, shot himself in front of me two years ago on July 27, 2007. He was a Police Officer in the State of Louisiana for many years. I am still so much in pain and so lonely without him. I am also angry with him. He had so many issues he had yet to deal with. And yet he left me with so many unanswered questions. Trish, I hope you are doing better than I am. It's Saturday evening and I am so alone and frightened about the world around me. It takes everything I have to go to work each day and to write these words. My best to you.
I lost my father to suicide in 1986, that's 23 years ago and it still feels as though it was yesterday. I had talked with him the night before, i was living out of state at the time due to my husband's work. Dad ask me to bring the kids and come back home. I told him that at that time i was home and that I loved him and would talk to him the next day, My brother-law called early the next morning and asked to talk to my husband, I knew from his end of the conversation what was facing me after he got off the phone he told me he had to talk to me and I told him I didn't want to talk to him, he said you have to I have something I have to tell you. I lost it and I told him I knew he was going to tell me that my Dad was gone. He took me in his arms and proceeded to tell me what I didn't want to hear
I always wondered had I came home would it had made a difference or would it have just prolong the situation. My husband was an angel for 26 years because about a week before the anniversary of Dad's death and a week following I was a hard person to live with. This year it was even harder because on April 12th my
darling husband that had been my rock and soul mate for 27 years passed away from a massive heart attack and now my world is shattered once again.
I lost my father to suicide in 1986, that's 23 years ago and it still feels as though it was yesterday. I had talked with him the night before, I was living out of state at the time due to my husband's work. Dad ask me to bring the kids and come back home. I told him that at that time I was home and that I loved him and would talk to him the next day, My brother-law called early the next morning and asked to talk to my husband, I knew from his end of the conversation what was facing me after he got off the phone he told me he had to talk to me and I told him I didn't want to talk to him, he said you have to I have something I have to tell you. I lost it and I told him I knew he was going to tell me that my Dad was gone. He took me in his arms and proceeded to tell me what I didn't want to hear
I always wondered had I came home would it have made a difference or would it have just prolonged the situation. My husband was an angel for 26 years because about a week before the anniversary of Dad's death and a week following I was a hard person to live with. This year it was even harder because on April 12th my
darling husband that had been my rock and soul mate for 27 years passed away from a massive heart attack and now my world is shattered once again.To this
day I still find it hard to face the fact that my dad is gone, I still feel guilty
about it and always wonder could I have made a difference?
I have never experienced the loss of a loved one through suicide, however, my boyfriend of 15 years lost both parents in a murder-suicide. He was only 8 yrs. old, he came home from school and found his parents lying in their bed. His mother was dead and his father was barely alive. He said that the stereo in the bedroom was playing, and he thought the gurgling sound his father was making was coming through the stereo.
This happened in 1975, he said no one tried to offer him support, police officers or emergency ambulance attendants. They opened the door of the bedroom and by doing so he was standing behind the door. He saw everything that was done to prepare to remove the bodies from the home.
He said after the funerals he was moved around and finally ended up with his sister, who was married to a man in a motorcycle gang in South Florida. He said these people were kinder to him than his own relatives had been. Eventually, he moved back here.
He tells me as he has gotten older, he vividly remebers the scene, the way the room, the bed, and his parents looked. And he remembers being the 8 yrs. old little boy standing behind the door.
I love this man with all my heart. I wish their was something I could do to take away his pain.
Vena Griffin said:
I have never experienced the loss of a loved one through suicide, however, my boyfriend of 15 years lost both parents in a murder-suicide. He was only 8 yrs. old, he came home from school and found his parents lying in their bed. His mother was dead and his father was barely alive. He said that the stereo in the bedroom was playing, and he thought the gurgling sound his father was making was coming through the stereo.
This happened in 1975, he said no one tried to offer him support, police officers or emergency ambulance attendants. They opened the door of the bedroom and by doing so he was standing behind the door. He saw everything that was done to prepare to remove the bodies from the home.
He said after the funerals he was moved around and finally ended up with his sister, who was married to a man in a motorcycle gang in South Florida. He said these people were kinder to him than his own relatives had been. Eventually, he moved back here.
He tells me as he has gotten older, he vividly remebers the scene, the way the room, the bed, and his parents looked. And he remembers being the 8 yrs. old little boy standing behind the door.
I love this man with all my heart. I wish their was something I could do to take away his pain.
My son Paul, shot himself when he was 16. That was eight years ago this past March, 14. His birthday was August 30th, he would have been twenty five this year. He left a poem he had written the night before he died. In it he asks for no pity or tears, he asks only to be kept in our hearts. I remember that day vividly, it is never far from my thoughts. A song, a word, or someone with the same name can bring it all back. I have managed to go on. I had three other children to worry about also. I innocently started taking nerve pills and anti-depressants to cope because my doctor thought i was having a nervous breakdown. That started a dowmward spiral that lasted for seven years. I have been clean now for a year and a half now. I finally got rid of Paul's school papers. I had held on to them because I did'nt want to face the fact that he was'nt ever coming home. I had to greive all over again and it hurt. So I prayed and prayed until I started feeling better. It still hurts and I will always miss him. I don't know if it will ever ease up, but I know that one day all of the pain and sorrow will be gone and none of this will matter.
~Good-bye to the Keeper of My Heart~

Sleeping so soundly, I was awakened by the call.
My entire world stopped, and I began to fall.

Those dreadful words echoing in my ear, ignited such pain.
Horrific pain that flooded my heart and soul like a torrential rain.
Images of you raced through my mind, your sweet whispers filled my ears
There I was so blind, yes blinded by pain and endless tears.

I smile at the sweet memories we shared, I knew it was too good to be true.
Anger, hurt and rage got in the way and hindered me from saying "I will always love you."
You begged and pleaded "please baby, don't go, I need you to stay."
How could I when you wanted to live life your way?

You and I were from two different worlds..yours was dark and deep.
I just knew I could show you a love so incredibly rich and sweet.
You swept me up, melted my soul and captured my heart,
Little did I know, our love was doomed from the start.

Now, I still cry when I hear our song
I remember dancing the entire night long.
When you left this world, painful guilt consumed me
You escaped your pain, but I'll never be free.

When I think of you, I smile, I laugh, and I cry.
Rage and pain engulf me...I shake my fist and scream at the sky.
I believe you suffered and hurt with pain much greater than mine.
I am sorry I couldn't help you, fix you or heal you...not even in time.

Although I'm living my life, my heart is so hollow and cold.
People say I will find someone to love, laugh with, and hold.
I'm learning to let go of the past and trust in God, they say that's a start.
I have to let go of our love, but how can I? You possessed my heart!

The jagged edges of my heart will heal, I pray to God above.
So that I may laugh a new laugh, sing a new song, and find another love.
I guess it's now time to say good-bye, a new life I have to start.
We'll see each other again, but this is a last "good-bye" to the keeper of my heart.



**I wrote this poem about 6 months after my husband ended his life...it helped a little with the grief, but I truly believe I will never truly be free of the guilt that I carry.

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