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To:  E W       I understand all too well about trying to cope when you feel like you can't.  And yet I still don't have any answers for you.  My heart goes out to you...and I feel for you...which is what prompted me to write this comment.  But I don't know what to tell you.

 

My only advice is to find a way to stop pretending so much of the time.  You need to grieve.  It might make you feel better.  What do you think your new husband would do if he knew? 

 

No...it is not just you...I find it very hard to get up in the morning, to get ready to go anywhere, and to do anything productive. 

 

Anyway...I am so, so very sorry for your loss. 

Dear E W, You are trying to be so brave, and strong--living up to your spouse's expectations and trying to "shield" your little ones from adversities--while at the same time denying your own very real needs.  Maybe you do not feel safe, for whatever reason, but what would happen, do you think, if you were to enter into an open, honest, authentic conversation with your husband about your feelings, pain, fear, struggle, etc?  My hope is that he would exceed your expectations and provide you with the comfort, encouragement, and support you are so desperately in need of.  If you don't feel like that would be something you could do, or be permitted to do, maybe you could talk with a grief therapist, attend a peer support group, or at minimum continue talking to other bereaved suicide survivors on this site as well as the myriad Facebook support groups that are out there.  The more open you can be with your grief, the more chance for healing to occur.  My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you.

E W said:

Everybody talks about coping....and what if you can't? I have read repeatedly the pain is unbearable, write a journal, hug yourself, take time, slow down and specially "one day at a time". I really made a mess of it. My sister killed herself on April 11, 2000 and things are not better. Since then, I got divorced, remarried and ....nothing. I really made a mess of it, how to unscramble it all. My new husband does not know about my pain, I hide it well. So I thought, last night, as kindly as he could say this, he said I run around the house as if I lost something. I can't remember the last time I was happy. He does not "know" so I cannot seek help. Someone said, you seem depressed, my husband answered, depression does not exist, it is just a state of mind. I have 4 kids, two by my first marriage (21 and 17 who are away to college) and two by this marriage (5 and 2). It is so hard to get up in the morning, to take a shower, to do my shores, is it just me? Do your bones hurt too?..... but I smile ALL the time so my little ones don't "know"....until I run out of smiles.

We lost my brother Adam May 20, 2012 to suicide due to a mental illness. He was only 21 years and my baby brother. My family and I want to be his voice and bring more awareness regarding despression, bipolar, ptsd, panic disorders, schizophrenia, etc. 1 in 4 people are effected by one or more of these which means most of us know someone. It's time to bring more awareness about the subject. Please looking into a group called NAMI. We are doing a huge walk for NAMI Oct. 13, 2012 in Glen Allen VA and our family is walking for Adam. Please help up by donating our doing a local walk near you. Thank you for your support!! http://namiwalks.nami.org/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1551840&...

That is what I felt to do, Amber, and have been doing.  I also started volunteering at NAMI, and I participated in a fundraiser walk through AFSP called Out Of The Darkness that you may also be interested in finding out more about and participating in.  I'm sorry for the tragic loss of your brother and friend Adam.  I lost my son one year ago in May 2011.  He too died from suicide due to a mental illness, and I am learning all I can and trying to promote suicide prevention awareness.  I wish you peace and hope as you and your family process through the grief from your terrible loss.  It does get easier to bear with time and doing the work of grieving the loss of our precious loved ones.

Amber Jacobs said:

We lost my brother Adam May 20, 2012 to suicide due to a mental illness. He was only 21 years and my baby brother. My family and I want to be his voice and bring more awareness regarding despression, bipolar, ptsd, panic disorders, schizophrenia, etc. 1 in 4 people are effected by one or more of these which means most of us know someone. It's time to bring more awareness about the subject. Please looking into a group called NAMI. We are doing a huge walk for NAMI Oct. 13, 2012 in Glen Allen VA and our family is walking for Adam. Please help up by donating our doing a local walk near you. Thank you for your support!! http://namiwalks.nami.org/personalPage.aspx?registrationID=1551840&...

Yes I have recently hear of Out of the Darkness, they are doing a big walk the day I leave to get married. We pushed back the originial date because it was the month after he did it and the day after his birthday. He was supposed to play his guitar for me to walk down to. So instead we celebrated his birthday at the cemetary. He's the baby of the family and this was truly heart breaking. He tried to fight this for 4 years and in the end all he would say was he was so lonely. He battled schizophrenia and depression. His mind eventually took over. My poor parents are devistated and I'm sure you are and can relate. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you found a way (like with Nami) to keep busy.

My son too, battled schizophrenia and depression. In one of his lucid moments weeks before his death, he shared that he had lost his passion. Still, I would have wanted to have kept him alive and help him try to regain some quality of life, but somewhere in his disorganized mind, I think his life had become unbearable to him. He had been a 4.0 gpa student in high school, enjoyed a foreign exchange experience his 11th grade year in Hong Kong, China, and attended a fine university and had so many dreams and such promise only to watch it disintegrate. It must have been hard for him to realize he had already lived his best years. I miss him so. I feel really sorry that your brother Adam's absence is magnified by the fact that he will not be there to play at your wedding, and that this has overshadowed your special day. Charles died the day before his sister's birthday; I'm sad for her that she will always remember the one event with the other. I hope it will not be too terribly difficult for you to enjoy your wedding day.

Amber Jacobs said:

Yes I have recently hear of Out of the Darkness, they are doing a big walk the day I leave to get married. We pushed back the originial date because it was the month after he did it and the day after his birthday. He was supposed to play his guitar for me to walk down to. So instead we celebrated his birthday at the cemetary. He's the baby of the family and this was truly heart breaking. He tried to fight this for 4 years and in the end all he would say was he was so lonely. He battled schizophrenia and depression. His mind eventually took over. My poor parents are devistated and I'm sure you are and can relate. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you found a way (like with Nami) to keep busy.

It's going to be a year since I lost my best friend, husband and my entire life! It still feels unreal and I cant believe a year has almost passed! It feels like yesterday! Everyday hurts more and more and doesnt seem to be getting any better! When my 4 yr tells me how much he misses his father I want to die!!! How can I make this ok!!!! I cant and it really sucks! I am so extremely sad and traumatized! My husband committed suicide and I found him! :( :( :( :( :( MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!

 

Brenda,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my 21 year old brother May, 20 2012. The pain never seems to get any easy and if it wasn't for my son and my fiance I don't know what I would do. I see the pain in my parents everyday and it shows. My parents cry everyday. He was their only son and the youngest out of us three. My brother had a mental illness that couldn't be fix not did the doctors try. In his honor we are doing a few walks through NAMI and Out of the Darkness. You are around other people in the same situation because no one knows exactly what your going through in your everyday life. My parents found my brother, and that phone call will forever haunt me.Be strong for your 4 year old and tell him all the wonderful things about their father. My brother took his life 2 days after my sons 2nd birthday, he will never know his uncle and that alone breaks my heart. He will only know of him through my stories. Even though we told my brother everyday he was loved and not alone it just simply wasnt enough. Stay strong Brenda, remember you are allowed to have good days and bad days.

Im sooooo sorry to hear about your brother! My brother is here helping me now!!!! I am soo sad! I have 3 boys 16,4 and 1 1/2 yrs, and Im trying my hardest to just breath, because i have to take it minute by minute! I cant believe my husband would do this! Oh and my husband had no history of depression that would be me! My husband was a professional jockey! yes he rides horses! We were together for 10 yrs! We were having financial problems and he also has 2 other kids from a previous that was a nightmare and he started to drink and it went down hill from there but very fast within 2 yrs! Yeah CRAZY right? I also feel so bad for his mother who lost her only child!!!! :( :( And thats not it, my husband lost his father at the age 13 in a car accident, so she has lost her only child and her love of her life! my 4 yr is the one who is truly breaking my heart!

Good morning - I am new to this...I tried to join another site, but I don't think it was one for suicide. So, hopefully, I have connected to the site that is appropriate for me.  I walked in the Out of the Darkness walk yesterday for my sister.  She committed suicide (oh, that word!!!) on June 15th 2012.  Just shy of her 42nd bday.  The shock wears off and now one could scream and never stop....

Loosing someone we love is the hardest of all of our suffering and pain to cope with in this life.   Life places before us many trails and tribulations.   I feel, this site is so comforting to those who have common experiences and emotions.  We are able to share those emotions so near and dear to our heart and at the same time gain comfort.   

Relationships are the most valuable gift God has given to us;be it your family, friends or associates - relationships are what keeps us going.   Our comfort we gain when releasing such pain through verbal communication with those who appear to understand give us so much peace and calm.  Above all, our relationship with God also helps us to pull through some of the most difficults times we experiences in life.

When we loose our love one - we treasure their memories as if it was made of gold and replay the many moments we share together.  We recap the many conversations we had with that person.  But, at the end what we have of our love one is our memories - something we will always have........

 

That is typical of losing someone to suicide or any type of death I think.  Life's minor inconveniences simply don't get in the way or cause the same sort of 'bother' that they did previously.  Of course, time does move on and life does have a way of creeping back in with it's little problems.  I hope that therapy and counseling or even just the ear of friends and family has helped bring you back.

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