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Wow, what an awesome story,  Thanks for sharing it!

Recca Milton said:

Dear NIKKI,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad. While I don't know the feeling of losing a dear loved one in the same manner, I do know the feeling of losing someone to an unexpected death, as a close cousin of mine was brutally murdered.

In spite of the manner in which we lose a loved one, it is hard to wrap our mind around a loss. It's unnatural. We were created to love and live forever. That's why we grieve and it's such a process.

Regarding your memories of your dad, they will come back. In fact, during an early stage of the grieving process, it is common to experience memory loss. But at an unexpected moment, you will do, see, smell or hear something that will automatically trigger a memory for you. For me it was a photo of a plate of seafood in a magazine. Yes - you read it right - a picture of seafood. Crazy, huh?!? I'll explain...

A few weeks after my cousin's death, I was looking through a magazine and saw a picture of a plate of seafood and immediately started to cry. That photo trigger a childhood memory of when my cousin first learned about my seafood allergy during a summer vacation at our grandmother's when I was 7 or 8. At some point he was told that he couldn't come around me with his plate of fish because my eyes would swell up. His 4 or 5 year old mind understood that to mean that my SEEING fish would make my eyes swell. Unbeknownst to me, he wanted to see this "phenomenon." So he searched ALL of the magazines around our grandmother's house for a picture of fish. When he found one, he sneakily showed me the picture. Then he said, "look at me." Then he ran away. This happened 4 or 5 times before I eventually asked what he was doing. When he told me what and why, I busted up laughing. Then I explained that it would NEVER happen from looking at a picture, and we both busted up laughing.

When he died, my mind was so overwhelmed by the circumstances surrounding his death - especially the why's, the "if only's," and the effect of it on everyone - that I couldn't think about anything else in relation to him. I'd forgotten about that summer. But seeing that picture weeks later triggered that memory. The first time I remembered it was very sad for me, as all I kept thinking was he and I would not be able to laugh about it, or anything else, again. Having gone through the various stages of the grieving process, when I see a picture now, I still have that thought of loss, but now I dwell more on the memory and it effects me as it did before his death - I enjoy a good laugh!

That will happen for you too, Nikki. When it does, please let me know. I'd love to hear about it, and am more than happy to keep in touch with you...

-Recca
On febuary 15th at 5pm my kids were all getting home from school and we were preparing to go on winter break and was going to be a great week .. When my phone rang it was my sister calling ..I thought she was calling me about a prior obligation . That's when I realized her voice was trembling I thought oh NO it had to be about my little sister she had been struggling a lot with for the past 6 months the pregnancy and birth of her daughter had brought on a lot of mental health complications including psycosis.. So hearing my sisters voice trembling sent a chill down my spine.. Then she uttered the words "Tanya hung herself we don't know yet".. As we are driving down the highway desperate to get to the hospital as fast as we could the thought that her dying would enter my mind sort of as a swear word .. When we reached the hospital my sister eyes soaked with tears screamed for me and ushered me into the consultation room where I learned yes my baby sister was gone.. I have been in such disbelief ..how could this happen what did I miss.. Her beautiful new baby she was SOOO proud of .. Her fiancé .. I know she is at peace but I don't kow how to find peace I have so many unanswered questions ..I knew she was sick but I never imagined this could happen .

Rest assure your baby sister is not suffering - sometimes, we do not understand totally what is going on  inside the mind of someone we feel is so close to us.  We all fight with various trails and try to sometimes make sense of them and for the most part it is just a lot of suffering.  For all of us we heal in a different matter - and for some it may be just too much.  However, only Almighty God knows the heart-felt pain we are going through and only  Almighty God can discern our pain. 

We may not see the signs of their pain or the severity of their heartfelt pain - but they do love us and our love for them will remain in the core of our heart.     Your sister is at peace.  The unanswered questions only God has the answers.    Remember the good times you had with your sister an remember her smile  Remember the many conversation you had with her.  Focus on those memories that brings a smile to your face.   Pray and tell Almighty God the pain you are feeling - trust him to heal your heart.   I hope, I have been able to help you to find some comfort.  I know you have a treasure of beautiful memories of your sister and remember those memories and cherish them.

 

 

Suicide is one of the hardest deaths to cope with in my opinion.  There are so many whys and what if's that it's hardest on those left behind to reconcile.  I'm so very sorry for your losses.

My son James would have been 37 today. He scummed to suicide on Nov.30, 2007. I have to write because it still feels like I am reliving it (especially today). I am told many times that the pain will get easier to deal with as time goes by but for me it doesn't. James overdosed in his bedroom at my apt. and his fiancee and I found him. He had always said he would never make it to his 30th birthday so I think"did he do it because he always said so" or just do it because his life was so messed up along with his mental and physical self. Is there any others who feel this way? I have gone to some sos meetings and they are great but I guess I just feel embarrassed to face others, my pain is great.

I woke up after sleeping for possibly an hour having fell on a newly mopped floor and split my head open needing 7 staples and I was sick and tired from the Hospital visit, my Husband said "no wonder you are tired, you suffered a trauma today", covered me with a blanket and went upstairs to die. While I slept, he went upstairs and hung himself doing AEA (auto arotic asphyxiation) that I didn't know, that I found him, that I cut him down and did chest compressions, that I couldn't save him except for 6 days in the hospital on machines to stay "alive" - was horrid. He was ALL I HAD and to lose him was a crush to my life that I barely survived. I promise you; I have never been through anything worse...EVER. Understand this was an addiction that an otherwise perfect Man had. Bill would have helped anyone, loved me, loved life and to find him like this would have been a "nightmare" for him. We both died that day, only one of us had to be buried. 

Shannon ,
It's been awhile since I have come to this site.. And rereading my last message seems like a million years ago .. This week I lost a beloved great uncle who was the patriarch of my family and I truly believe that because of the love support of my family , friends and sooooo many prayers from the beautiful people in this support group I can remember the good times and of course be sad that I can't talk to him but let him go and keep his amazing smile and contagious laugh always in my heart !! As for my little sister I miss her more every day then I ever thought I could miss anyone ..losing a loved one to suicide is soooo sudden and the natural instinct that I could have done something or that I missed something is really hard to deal with .. My head always tells me I did everything in my power to support and love her .. But my heart still says maybe there was more I could have done.. I joined walk out of the darkness last year and will also be joining again this year .. It's been very helpful it's my way of memorializing her every year ..I really try to focus on that event it's really been great outlet for me!! I think if you ask any of us in this group they will all say to you that talking about suicide to even a close friend is very difficult.. I am soooo sorry for your loss ..

I know about "beating yourself up" after my Husband died from AEA, I drove myself crazy asking "what did I see?" and I reviewed every moment, every word, everything I could remember. I just figured I must have missed something, but what I have learned is that even if I had put Bill in the car and driven him to the Doctor for help, they don't get it until they want it. Suicide is (so they tell me...a temporary moment of insanity) since losing my Husband, I know what he decided; it was a choice. You can choose to be the Victim or not. Maybe some people just get past the point of making that choice. My Husband did...the Addiction he had was stronger and he didn't know how to control it and of course the denial that he wasn't in it. You have to love and remember them and nurture your own spirit. The choosing to be a Victim or not...that comes from you, no one can help you with that, it's you and you only.

Hi everyone I'm new to this site and I hope this works talking about I don't know what else to do no one seems to want to listen to me I feel alone I lost my daddy to suicide about three months and three weeks ago I feel so lost he left me a voice mail before he did it and I feel like I should of picked up should of listen he was my best friend we talked everyday I still feel as he is alive his wife didn't let me view or have a saying to his body all I got saying he was dead was a detailed police report of what happen that's all I got to say I even had a dad I'm just lost with no one to talk to no one seems to listen everyone wants me to be ok and forget that I even had a dad I just wish he would call me and tell me that it was a lie

You are not alone, Ariel. That is the reason for this site. We ALL are expected to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'don't you want to talk about something else?'. Even my best friend of 53 years asked why I was mourning on that date every month. 'Why not just do it annually, and on his birthday and at Christmas', like putting on a stupid sweater or baking a special cake now and then. They don't realise that we have had a chunk torn from our hearts. It will scab over, and become less sensitive, but the hole remains, sometimes more painful than others. As time goes by we 'tear up' less frequently, but after nearly three years there isn't a day that goes by without special thoughts, special memories, and the firm hope and belief that, one day, we shall be together in Paradise.

Forgive your family and friends for being thoughtless. Be brave and strong. Plant a garden, large or small, and watch it grow. Your father will be proud.

David
I have never thought to plant a garden ..that is a great idea .. It's been just over A year for me .. And still that day replays over and over .. I really tried the last year of her life to support and help her through a very difficult time .. The last time I talked to her I yelled at her and was very angry and disagreed with some life choices she was making .. The last thing she said to me was FINE you want me out of your life then I'm out of your life ... We were sisters so we of course disagreed but I never was so angry with her then I was that day ! 2 months later she took her own life .. How will I ever forgive myself for being stubborn and not calling her or stopping by I had 2 months and I ruined my chance .. I still can't get passed that I don't know that I ever will ..

Not sure how to start this post. I am writing about the tremendous shock I feel from Robin Williams suicide. I wish so much people close to him could have seen it coming so they could have offered help. If I had been near-by and known him I would have done anything to help him. He was gifted and gave so much to us all. Now he is gone. I feel empty. I feel angry and betrayed. But who am I? certainly not his family nor closest friends. Somehow though, I feel my feelings are valid. I am going to go out and buy what movies I don't already have of his so I can watch him as much as I want.

Here is to Robin Williams!! May he rest in Peace!

***I am sorry, I see I posted in the wrong place. I did not know how to begin a new discussion.

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