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Linseay, I'm so sorry. I too lost my son on Aug. 8, 2010 to suicide. You don't sound crazy at all. I miss myself too. Many hugs to you.
Oh! I am sorry for your loss. Tears sprung to my eyes. Both our sons left the same day. And you understand about missing yourself? I'm so sorry.
When my children came in my life, my life changed forever. Was like they had always been with me. Could not imagine my life without them.


I am blessed because my husband knows me better than anyone other than God. But he can't stand for me to cry because he feels helpless and doesn't want me to hurt. Wish I could just collapse in his arms. Putting up a brave front is what I do. And pray. Yet he too sees I've changed and for the better mostly. I think.

Thank you for replying. Send you loving thoughts and hugs from my heart to yours.

PS Is the photo of your son? Also want you to know your reply did not show up in my email. If it had I would have responded sooner. I 'accidently' discovered
Linseay, yes the photo is my son. We will never be the person we were before, that's for sure. Hugs to you.

Linseay Seay-Skaggs said:
Oh! I am sorry for your loss. Tears sprung to my eyes. Both our sons left the same day. And you understand about missing yourself? I'm so sorry.
When my children came in my life, my life changed forever. Was like they had always been with me. Could not imagine my life without them.


I am blessed because my husband knows me better than anyone other than God. But he can't stand for me to cry because he feels helpless and doesn't want me to hurt. Wish I could just collapse in his arms. Putting up a brave front is what I do. And pray. Yet he too sees I've changed and for the better mostly. I think.

Thank you for replying. Send you loving thoughts and hugs from my heart to yours.

PS Is the photo of your son? Also want you to know your reply did not show up in my email. If it had I would have responded sooner. I 'accidently' discovered

i am still not able to say the horrible "s" word out loud.  And I certainly cannot say that that is how my daughter died.  It is easier to just say "she took her own life".  I know this sounds crazy but it's all I can get out. I guess maybe the police chief was right. He said "well your daughter committed suicide, so learn to deal with it".  But i just cannot say it yet.

 

Sometimes, we do not know the inner emotional pain our love ones are going through - sometimes, there are no signs --the person just get to the point where they feel it is the best route to take.  No matter what, when we loose our love one the pain goes so deep we have to truly re-group in order to handle the absence of someone who meant so much to us.  However, we all have a hope as promised by God to see these pain experiences come to past (Revelation 21:3,4)  

I look forward to the day when  I can see all of my love ones again.  I have come to learn to cherish the many beautiful thoughts we have of our Dear Love Ones and pray for them.   I usually take comfort in knowing that they are no longer in any type of "emotional or physical pain."

 

Lee said:

kt, I am so sorry about your friend.

It took me years to forgive my grandfather after he committed suicide. I was so angry that he'd done that to me and my family. I felt betrayed. I felt nauseated. At some fundamental level I just couldn't believe that it had really happened, that it wasn't just some horrible joke. I couldn't believe that he didn't reach out to one of us for help.

The way I try to think about it now is that he was sick with an illness that was terminal. Depression kills. And in many ways, depression silences its victims. Along with misery comes a hopeless lethargy that can stop you from seeking help. It wasn't that you weren't there for her, it was that she could not reach out.

Speaking from my own experience, you may replay all your interactions with your friend, wondering if there was a point at which you could have said or done something that would have prevented her tragic decision. This is a soul-destroying, nightmarish guessing game that has no answers and supplies no peace. If you can avoid putting yourself through it, please do.

You are in my thoughts, along with her boyfriend and family. I am so very sorry for your loss.

it was the night of november 8th,2009 and i was at the manor (a placement)  listening to micheal jacksons you are not alone and then after that i went to bed and the next morning i visited the apartments and we all had gone outside after lunch and then the supervisor came out and said sarah you have a phone call its youre mom i thought it was no big deal shes probably just gonna ask me if i wanna go home for the weekend or something so i picked up the phone and said hey mommy (i was only 16 at this time) and she said hey babe i have something to tell you i said what and she said straight up youre fathers dead i started bawling because that was my daddy and he spoiled me he was the only one i could trust it took me a few months to get rid of the thought i kept thinking why did he do this he was loved dearly a few weeks later we had the funeral and that was it but i was still depressed and im still not over it i have nightmares about it

 

 

 

R.I.P. daddy

My 20 year old son was an addict with bipolar disorder. He had threatened suicide multiple times, we put him in rehab, called police and did what we thought was right.  He was living in a sober living house, got kicked out for drug use - he tried calling us a few times that week (we were out of town and kept missing his calls).  We arrived home 8/15/2011 and on the night of 8/16/2011 the police came to our door to tell us that our son had stepped into the path of an oncoming amtrack train.  I dont even know what to say next, other than it is just awful and I hurt more for my 13 year old son than for myself.  I am angry with my son for doing this to his brother, I know in time I will forgive but the wounds are still so fresh.

Dear Cindy, suicide is an extremely hard concept for us to comprehend.  What little insight I have been able to gain has been through much heartache, crying out for answers, reading and studying suicide and my son's mental health brain disorder, trying to put myself in his shoes (his mind).  It has not been an easy path, but I have been resolute in coming to terms with it, and I am beginning to feel less in pain.  I lost my son (Charles, age 26) to suicide in May of 2011.  I hope these words give you encouragement.  Take good care.

Cindy said:

My 20 year old son was an addict with bipolar disorder. He had threatened suicide multiple times, we put him in rehab, called police and did what we thought was right.  He was living in a sober living house, got kicked out for drug use - he tried calling us a few times that week (we were out of town and kept missing his calls).  We arrived home 8/15/2011 and on the night of 8/16/2011 the police came to our door to tell us that our son had stepped into the path of an oncoming amtrack train.  I dont even know what to say next, other than it is just awful and I hurt more for my 13 year old son than for myself.  I am angry with my son for doing this to his brother, I know in time I will forgive but the wounds are still so fresh.

Lee:  Thank you so much for what you said.   "It wasn't that you weren't there for her, it was that she could not reach out."   I have been having such regrets and guilt over not being there enough for my sister.  I knew she was upset...and I did try once to get her to talk to me.  I meant to try again...but sadly I ran out of time before I got that far.  Anyway...thank you for what you said...it does give me some comfort.  :)
 

It really bothers me that I was so happy on the day my sister died.  My son...who hadn't gotten an award from school in quite some time...got two awards that day.  It was a nice day.  Of course I had had absolutely no idea that my youngest sister was dead.  I didn't find that out until the following evening.  But it still just feels so wrong.  :(

That is what happened to me too, Christine.  I graduated college that day my son died.  He died that evening and I was notified the following morning.

Christine Bastone said:

It really bothers me that I was so happy on the day my sister died.  My son...who hadn't gotten an award from school in quite some time...got two awards that day.  It was a nice day.  Of course I had had absolutely no idea that my youngest sister was dead.  I didn't find that out until the following evening.  But it still just feels so wrong.  :(

Everybody talks about coping....and what if you can't? I have read repeatedly the pain is unbearable, write a journal, hug yourself, take time, slow down and specially "one day at a time". I really made a mess of it. My sister killed herself on April 11, 2000 and things are not better. Since then, I got divorced, remarried and ....nothing. I really made a mess of it, how to unscramble it all. My new husband does not know about my pain, I hide it well. So I thought, last night, as kindly as he could say this, he said I run around the house as if I lost something. I can't remember the last time I was happy. He does not "know" so I cannot seek help. Someone said, you seem depressed, my husband answered, depression does not exist, it is just a state of mind. I have 4 kids, two by my first marriage (21 and 17 who are away to college) and two by this marriage (5 and 2). It is so hard to get up in the morning, to take a shower, to do my shores, is it just me? Do your bones hurt too?..... but I smile ALL the time so my little ones don't "know"....until I run out of smiles.

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