Condolences: If you’ve ever had trouble finding the right words, you’re not alone. Share your story and get advice from others who’ve been there.

Related articles:
Why Write Sympathy Notes?
What Makes a Condolence Note Memorable?
Writing a Condolence Note
Writing a Condolence Note to a Grieving Child or Adolescent
What to Say to a Grieving Spouse
What to Say When Someone Dies Unexpectedly
What to Say: Rocky Relationships
What to Say When Someone’s Ex Dies
What Not to Say

Views: 1733

Replies to This Discussion

I’m not sure that this is a topic that is addressed in this forum, but I hope that someone can direct me in the right direction.
I had a recent relationship this passed summer in which I became very close with her 17 year old brother, Eric. The relationship ended, and he tragically died in a car accident in late July. Since then I have talked to his sister about everything there going through. I have been trying to be there for both her and her family. I know that it helps her because I knew him so well. With that being said I have collaborated a list of different memories, all unique in there own way. I thought about putting them together in a “memory book” if you will, but I have been trying to find a more creative way to present them. Does anyone have any ideas?
Sean
There is no right or wrong forum when dealing with the lose of someone.
Your support and willing to share the memories is healing in all its self.
I had someone offer to take pictures of my daughter I lost last May and put her pictures onto a CD.
Your memories you share of him and allow people to talk about him is a gift enough. I think people are afraid to ask about my daughter for fear it will upset me....Well I might have a tear in my eye as I speak but I want to live with the good memories of her....
Keep your strength with the family and you all heal.
Cathy
Sean
There is no right or wrong forum when dealing with the lose of someone.
Your support and willing to share the memories is healing in all its self.
I had someone offer to take pictures of my daughter I lost last May and put her pictures onto a CD.
Your memories you share of him and allow people to talk about him is a gift enough. I think people are afraid to ask about my daughter for fear it will upset me....Well I might have a tear in my eye as I speak but I want to live with the good memories of her....
Keep your strength with the family and you all heal.
Cathy
I just lost my 28 year old son 9 months ago. I find that I really appreciate those who know me who know of Mike's death to acknowledge the fact that my son has died and that I am grieving my loss of his life in my life. I have watched TV shows and heard so many times "I am sorry for your loss" and somehow that seemed so impersonal and it still does - why can't people say, "I am so sorry about your son"?? I want people to know that I list my son, a person, one very dear to me. I dont' want people to not mention Mike's death, nor do I want people to minimize Mike and my loss of him from my life by calling him "loss". Yes, I have lost Mike, but "loss" is like you list your purse...

People are so afraid that by sauying anything you will start crying, and sometimes I do. But, I tell people "thank you for allowing me to cry". I learned that from another mother whose child had died. It is true, the tears come and that is exactly what we need to do when someone we love dearly had died!

Don't be afraid to talk about the dead person - those left behind are searching for any semblance of that person's life - probably as a means to keep that person close. If we cry, know that it is what we need to do, that you have not "made" us cry, but rather by your acknowledgement of the death of our dear ones, you do allow us to cry and grieve. As with any event in one's life that is momental, such as the birth of your child, marriage, we love to talk about all the details - we are the same way about all the details of the "event" - not so much the actual c ircumstances, but we relive our dear dead in our hearts every day. It is ok that the other person cries and it is ok for you to cry too!
Do not die. Let someone not to die. If possible live yourself and help others who cant!
Feb 18th will be 1 year ago my daughter was taken without warning. It has not been easy but I still know that every day I have to get up and take care of my 2 other children, one of them being her twin sister. My daughter died at 3 months old, she would not be 14 months old. She died because someone was lazy and did not burp her and put her to bed, she burped up her formula but was too little to roll over and it got stuck in her throat, mouth and nose and guess what... that person is free and was not charged with anything. I was on anti-depressants but realized that I was a totally different person on them and hated who I was becomming. I quit, now I dont use anything and it is so much harder. I used to go to her gravesite every day or every week but now I don't go as often as I should Next month will be 1 year and I am doing a balloon release for her memorial, as we did for her birthday too. I miss her so much. This would still hurt but not as bad, if she passed away because she was sick or something. But she was sooo healthy and sooo happy! Autoposy came back and said SIDS but the dr at the hospital said no way.The pic i have added was the day before she died. the day she died, I almost didnt go to work, I was late to work because I was not going to go but trying to be the responsible single mom, I decided to go. If I would have listened, Sariah McKenzie would stll be here! I love you baby girl!!

After getting the medical report back, not the autoposy report, it showed at the hospital, they almost had her back she took 3 breaths and stopped again. It broke my heart to see that but then I was trying to not be so selfish because they said she was laying there for 45-60 minutes before she was found not breathing. So if she was here today, she would be suffering from brain damage. Using this information, I try to let her rest in peace and let her be a happy memory but I just cannot let her go. Her birthday, the date is a sad symbolic memory too. 11-21 = 1+1=2 babies (she was a twin)-1 baby= because now I only have 1 left

www.myspace.com/sariahmckenzie or you can find her page on facebook too by using her name
What I like from others about the death of my son (age 47)in a auto accident (he was stopped at a traffic light and hit from behind):

"I am so sorry. what a terrible thing."
"I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through."
"I am so sorry. I remember John so well when he and I were in ...........together."
"I am so sorry. John and I used to........"
"I am so sorry. I admired his ability to..............."
I am embarassed to admit that my favoite is, "I am so sorry. He was truly one of the handsomest men I ever saw."
My dad died when I was 9, and one of the phrases I hated the most was "I'm sorry." My angry response was invariably "Why? It's not your fault." I know now that they weren't apologizing, they were empathizing and sorry for the fact that I had to go through the loss.

My husband died three and a half weeks ago. I still hate the phrase "I'm sorry", because it's still not their fault, but at least now I can lie and answer with "I appreciate that."

What I hated the most after my husband died was the never-ending "If there's anything I can do, let me know" and "If there's anything you need, let me know" and "What can I do to help?"

I had no clue what I needed done, what people could do, what they wanted to do. And even when I did have things that I needed done, it felt I was imposing on them by asking them to do something. I know that they were offering because they honestly wanted to help me in any way they could, but I got so frustrated and stressed sometimes by trying to "come up with things for people to do."

It would have been better, I think, for folks to offer to do specific things, or simply say something like "I'll take care of cooking dinner" or "I'll make a list and go to the grocery store for you" or "Can I rake your leaves up so you don't have to worry about it?" and just take care of it. It would have spared me from feeling like I had to come up with things for them to do. But they absolutely would have had to have told me first before just "doing" - having people doing things without letting me know would have been worse, because it would have made me even less "in control" of my life.
My boyfriend died two years ago of a drug overdose. At the wake his family members said to me....."whats a matter, do you feel guilty?" I have prescription medicine that I have to take and he got into these pills. I wouldn't blame anyone if they said, I'm sorry because they just don't know what else to say. I miss him so much and it has been two years. They jumped me like a pack of wolves, so badly I couldn't go to the funeral and have it happen again. They broke into my home, had the power shut off, etc..I know they lost their son but...I was just really bad and I tryed to stop him so much from taking my pills. I bought a safe, etc......

Chris B said:
My dad died when I was 9, and one of the phrases I hated the most was "I'm sorry." My angry response was invariably "Why? It's not your fault." I know now that they weren't apologizing, they were empathizing and sorry for the fact that I had to go through the loss.

My husband died three and a half weeks ago. I still hate the phrase "I'm sorry", because it's still not their fault, but at least now I can lie and answer with "I appreciate that."

What I hated the most after my husband died was the never-ending "If there's anything I can do, let me know" and "If there's anything you need, let me know" and "What can I do to help?"

I had no clue what I needed done, what people could do, what they wanted to do. And even when I did have things that I needed done, it felt I was imposing on them by asking them to do something. I know that they were offering because they honestly wanted to help me in any way they could, but I got so frustrated and stressed sometimes by trying to "come up with things for people to do."

It would have been better, I think, for folks to offer to do specific things, or simply say something like "I'll take care of cooking dinner" or "I'll make a list and go to the grocery store for you" or "Can I rake your leaves up so you don't have to worry about it?" and just take care of it. It would have spared me from feeling like I had to come up with things for them to do. But they absolutely would have had to have told me first before just "doing" - having people doing things without letting me know would have been worse, because it would have made me even less "in control" of my life.
I found that a recent Watchtower article for those who have lost their loved ones - focusing on widows and widowers - was very helpful. Avoid not speaking about the deceased as if he/she never existed. This Bible-based publication encouraged that when survivors in time, wish to speak openly about the one they have lost in death, "do not allow fear to hold you back. If you sense that your comment would be welcome, say what you appreciated about him or what you miss about her. This may help grieving mates to appreciate that their grief is shared." So if we 'remember a kind gesture or an amusing story involving the deceased loved one, then offer to tell it.' Also allow time for the bereaved person to grieve and be there to provide not just the initial, but also ongoing support.
Things you can do
1)Listen -James 1:19
2) Provide Reassurance -Proverbs 16:24
3) Be available- Proverbs 17: 17
4) Take the appropriate initiative- 1 Corinthians 10:24
5) Be Hospitable -Hebrews 13:2
6)Be patient and understanding - Colossians 3:12,13
7) Write a letter- Hebrews 13:22
8) Pray with them James 5:16
sometimes the best things to say initially - is to offer your support and that you will be there if the person is in need to talk with someone. Most of the time - a nice hug - helps so much. Romans 15:4. If you know the person has a strong Biblical background ofer them - scriptural comfort.

Someone with a Biblical background derives so much comfort from the promises associated with God's word pertainng to their love ones. They are aware that their love ones are no-longer suffering as assured through the Bible. Ecc 9:5. Just try to take in what means the most to the person and the words will follow. No, you can not just ignore that death did not occur - but you can offer loving support.

Karen said:
I remember when I was in fourth grade, the father of a boy at my school died. It was the first time most of us at that young age had ever really had to think about death. I remember my teacher instructed my class on how to act toward the boy: "Unless you're really, really good friends with him, you shouldn't say anything to him about it, because it will just make him feel worse." Looking back, I think that was terrible advice to give a bunch of nine-year-olds.

I think so many people don't know what to say, so we just decide to avoid the subject altogether. It's not as though the boy would have somehow forgotten about his father's death once he came back to school; I don't think anything we could have said out of sympathy would have truly made his situation worse. I can only hope that he didn't feel too isolated with so many of his peers avoiding him.

The next year, the grandfather of a girl in my class died. Our teacher set aside a part of the day to talk about death with us, and we all made cards for the girl out of construction paper. The teacher also recommended that we all try to do one small, nice thing for her in the next month or so. When she came back to school a few days later, all of the cards were on her desk, and she was absolutely thrilled. I think this was a much better way to deal with it. The girl got to feel the support of her class, and we all felt like it was ok to talk about death; we didn't have to pretend it never happened. I think even the simplest "I'm sorry," is better than not acknowledging the death at all.

RSS

Latest Conversations

Ginger Mary Jarvis is now a member of LegacyConnect
9 hours ago
Debbie is now a member of LegacyConnect
yesterday
Charles E. Nelson commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
Tuesday
deborah peck commented on Steve Cain's group Bereaved Spouses
Tuesday

Community Guidelines

Please be respectful of others. For more information, read our Community Guidelines.

Follow Legacy

© 2019   Created by Legacy.com.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service