I thought I was doing ok, until 2 days ago when I felt like I had a breakdown. I know that the first 2 weeks I was numb (planning and attending the funeral in IL-we live in CA so there was travel involved), and then the following 2 weeks I was planning Brandon's memorial service (in CA) so I was extremely busy.

Too busy to grieve right?

Well, now it's caught up with me and I lost it all day at work on Friday. I'm feeling so much pressure- financial (how am I going to make it without him?, how do I settle everything?), cause of his death (what happened to him that morning? I have been an amateur CSI/detective trying to help the coroner), emotional (how will my heart ever heal?) and my daily life (how do I keep going on day-to-day when my day-to-day has changed so dramatically?).

I read on other posts here that after the memorial service most people are not around anymore. I have unfortunately found that to be true for me too.

I'm lost, scared, lonely and am having trouble sleeping again because I'm so worried...I have sleeping pills but am afraid to use them. I feel like a train has hit me. I hate what my life has become.

Thank you all for being here....you are the only ones who really understand and that makes me feel a little less lonely today :)

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Replies to This Discussion

It is okay to feel sad, scared and lonely -- we are all going through the emotions at different times as we trip and fall through the grieving process. Our "old" normal has been dismantled and we are all looking for the "new" normal. Perhaps we are looking too hard -- maybe it needs to find us. Emotionally I am a wreck. I have had many mini-melt downs -- nothing major -- YET! Like you I don't want to take anything to help me sleep. It isn't because I enjoy hurting but I am not sure that I wouldn't be tempted to take more then one at a time so I can be with my dear Douglas. I feel like a cannonball has hit me in the chest. Duct tape cannot fix everything -- it can't heal a broken heart. This isn't exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life. And like many others I feel cheated and I get so angry. I am so very thankful for this site and for all of you here. It is easy to express feelings because you actually can say "I know what you mean" and you really, really do. We will get through this. Our loved ones will watch over us and I believe that my Douglas brought me to this site. He is my hero!
I know only so well the roller coaster ride. One day I'm doing well. Then I am crying for four days for every little thing that reminds me of him. His pictures surround me. I call his phone to hear his voice on his message. Yes there are days that I think I'm going insane with grief. I need Xanax to get me through the day and night. I understand.
Brigitte-

I actually did take the sleeping pills this week. I'm not afraid of taking too many....I'm more scared of not being able to function at work. I took 1/2 pill, slept great and had no trouble getting to work. I have had those feelings of "I just wish I could be with him". I never felt like I would actually harm myself, just longing to be with him again. I have to say though that the thought of death doesn't scare me anymore. I really don't think dying can be any worse than the pain felt by those left behind.
Linda-

I have found that looking at pictures has been way too painful for me right now. It's weird because I feel like I want to see them, I look at them and then feel worse. I have put them away for the moment until I feel stronger.

I hope the Xanax is helping you. I was given trazadone for sleep and I was scared of taking it (afraid I couldn't function at work), but actually did take it this week. It is a lifesaver! On Monday I went to work on one hour of sleep and was miserable. I took 1/2 trazadone on Monday night and had 7 hours of sleep! The roller coaster is still there for me though. One day I feel good and the next I hit rock bottom again. I'm telling myself that this is part of the process.
I hope you are doing ok and today is better than yesterday.....


Linda said:
I know only so well the roller coaster ride. One day I'm doing well. Then I am crying for four days for every little thing that reminds me of him. His pictures surround me. I call his phone to hear his voice on his message. Yes there are days that I think I'm going insane with grief. I need Xanax to get me through the day and night. I understand.

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