Lost husband...

I lost my husband, Wes, to a self inflicted gun shot wound on Sunday Nov 8th, 2009. We have 3 children - they are 9, 7, and 5 years old.
I am living in MD with my grandparents because I have been on medical leave for over a year and can't afford to live on my own.
Wes was living with friends in IN. We have been seperated. He just came out in Sept. to visit. My profile picture is from that visit, Wes with his babies.
We met 3 years before we were married. We married July 4, 2000- July 4th so there would always be fireworks for us to celebrate. We gave all 3 of our children a 2nd middle name, which they share in common- the name Forever. It was to symbolize our bond as a family and our love for both one another and our children.

I can't even believe this is real.

Wes's family is all in CA and they are having a memorial service for him there. I have gone to every resource I can think of to help me and the kids with airfare from MD to CA, to attend his funeral. I called all of our local emergency assistance charities, I also called the Red Cross, Salvation Army, local churches, OUR church...in addition to calling EVERY airline trying to find some sympathetic rate, which does not exist.

I have no resources. My mother passed away 7 years ago. My grandparents are on a fixed income. And I feel so desperate to be able to give my children closure, they need to be at that funeral. They are so hurt and crying every day- asking when we are going to his funeral, and I'm so scared that now they won't be able to. I was across the country when my mother dies and I didn't get to attend her funeral and it eats my up inside. I can't have my children growing up knowing they were given the chance to say goodbye.

My husband's family in CA even gave me an extra week to try to figure something out. I'm at such a loss, trying to console my children and work through my own pain-I just have no idea what I can do. My kids will grow up to resent my not being able to get them there.

I just wish we could all have him back with us. I'd surely do things different the second time around.

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Permalink Reply by SUE on November 18, 2009 at 12:59am

First off,
Jennifer I am very sorry you have all that to deal with in addition to your loss. I can hear your desperation and I can tell how badly you want your family to be there. Im not sure how I could help you achieve that tho.
Forgive me for asking...did your husband have life insurance ? Are you the nxt of kin ? Whos decision was it for him to be laid to rest in ca ? Is that what you would of wanted ? You mentioned seperated, but not divorced. Could you afford to go on your own? Have you considered a memorial or service or something private in your own town? If you absolutley cant go, then I would either try to get him bck to you or if not possible or desirable, I would have your church minister offer you and your children a service or mention his name in church and then take your kids out to release balloons or something in memory of their dad. Wish I could be of more help.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on November 18, 2009 at 3:38pm

I was in agreement with his family that he should be back in CA. I am next of kin, but I've tried to be sympathetic to their pain and not selfish in my own. His grandmother flew to IN and I have been trying to do everything I can from MD. The kids and I are his only link to MD, and I did manage to contact the funeral home and they are sending a portion of his ashes out to me. It's just been a big mess and I can tell his family, at least one side of his family, resents that they are needing my consent for so many decisions. I agreed to let them creamate him and I agreed to let him go back to CA, as long as we had some of his ashes-enough for each one of the kids to have their own.

There was no life insurance.

I have thought about doing something here, but it just feels like it wouldn't be the same. I spoke to some of his family today and said that even if I can't bring the kids now, I want to bring them as soon as I can. I feel like they need that link and connection to their family, to their father. I won't go out there by myself. That would be too hard for the kids. The trip was for them-so they could be at their father's funeral. Of course I'd like to be there, but if I can't find a way for all of us to go, then I'll wait and take them at a later time.

It's so hard to even get out of bed. I feel defeated.

Thank you for taking the time to write me. It really does help to be able to talk about it some. I really like the balloon idea. I think the kids would really like it too. Thanks again.

SUE said:

First off,
Jennifer I am very sorry you have all that to deal with in addition to your loss. I can hear your desperation and I can tell how badly you want your family to be there. Im not sure how I could help you achieve that tho.
Forgive me for asking...did your husband have life insurance ? Are you the nxt of kin ? Whos decision was it for him to be laid to rest in ca ? Is that what you would of wanted ? You mentioned seperated, but not divorced. Could you afford to go on your own? Have you considered a memorial or service or something private in your own town? If you absolutley cant go, then I would either try to get him bck to you or if not possible or desirable, I would have your church minister offer you and your children a service or mention his name in church and then take your kids out to release balloons or something in memory of their dad. Wish I could be of more help.
Sue

Permalink Reply by SUE on November 18, 2009 at 4:24pm

Dear Jennifer,
You know thats my daughters name too. I understand how defeated feels but know that with time you will feel more like yourself. Obviously a loss such as yours changes you, but I believe with love and support, you will find your way. Just go slow and be kind to yourself. One breath at a time.
In lieu of a service at home, aside from what Ive already suggested. When you feel strong enough, you and the kids could create a memorial of your own for him. Whether it be an on line virtual memorial or a scrap book or ? I found it truly helped me. And again the balloons are pretty popular with many, and I think especially good for kids. You can tie messages to them and send them off to their dad. Im really sorry you are a part of being a survivor of suicide, but I am glad you found a place to share, thats what kept me goin in the beginning, and keeps me coming bck.
(((hug)))
Sue

Jennifer said:

I was in agreement with his family that he should be back in CA. I am next of kin, but I've tried to be sympathetic to their pain and not selfish in my own. His grandmother flew to IN and I have been trying to do everything I can from MD. The kids and I are his only link to MD, and I did manage to contact the funeral home and they are sending a portion of his ashes out to me. It's just been a big mess and I can tell his family, at least one side of his family, resents that they are needing my consent for so many decisions. I agreed to let them creamate him and I agreed to let him go back to CA, as long as we had some of his ashes-enough for each one of the kids to have their own.

There was no life insurance.

I have thought about doing something here, but it just feels like it wouldn't be the same. I spoke to some of his family today and said that even if I can't bring the kids now, I want to bring them as soon as I can. I feel like they need that link and connection to their family, to their father. I won't go out there by myself. That would be too hard for the kids. The trip was for them-so they could be at their father's funeral. Of course I'd like to be there, but if I can't find a way for all of us to go, then I'll wait and take them at a later time.

It's so hard to even get out of bed. I feel defeated.

Thank you for taking the time to write me. It really does help to be able to talk about it some. I really like the balloon idea. I think the kids would really like it too. Thanks again.

SUE said:
First off,
Jennifer I am very sorry you have all that to deal with in addition to your loss. I can hear your desperation and I can tell how badly you want your family to be there. Im not sure how I could help you achieve that tho.
Forgive me for asking...did your husband have life insurance ? Are you the nxt of kin ? Whos decision was it for him to be laid to rest in ca ? Is that what you would of wanted ? You mentioned seperated, but not divorced. Could you afford to go on your own? Have you considered a memorial or service or something private in your own town? If you absolutley cant go, then I would either try to get him bck to you or if not possible or desirable, I would have your church minister offer you and your children a service or mention his name in church and then take your kids out to release balloons or something in memory of their dad. Wish I could be of more help.
Sue