Why didn't anyone ever tell me about the silence?

It has been 7 months since my beloved Andrew was taken from me. I have had so much going on as my children were also critically injured when he died, but now that they are getting better, and returning to life, I just feel silent. A few months ago I may have thought I wanted this, but good lord, it's overwhelming me and I cannot do anything to make it go away. I feel so alone, as all the people who once were surrounding me have just gone back to their lives ( and rightfully so) but I just feel nothing anymore... I don't know how to get through this, I don't know when I should feel better, because it's as though it's getting worse and worse every second. I am so very grateful that my children survived and will in the long run, have no lasting physical issues from this wreck, but is it wrong of me to say that sometimes that is just not enough for me? I ache so badly that it physically hurts me, I cannot imagine a day that I will not include him in all my planning.. I still cannot believe that he is gone and I am so very very alone. It's the silence, when everyone is asleep, and the world is quiet that it hurts so much that I feel physically ill. I keep saying the same thing over and over, I need to move forward, but all I see is that wreck, I see my beautiful husband laying on a gurney and hear and see him die as I held his very very cold hand. Will this ever end ? Will it ever feel as though I am part of this world that seems to madly spinning around me as I stand still, stuck in April, in a place that I do not know, on a trip that was never meant to end the way it did .. He was 31 years old, we had just barely started our life together, just made it out of the learning and fighting portion of our lives, we really were content, enjoying each other.. and now .. just silence.. When will this stop. I take so much medication just to get through the day, see the doctors, and therapists that they tell me to, and NOTHING IS WORKING .. I just feel like I died that day and my body is just on auto pilot .. I just don't know if I can go on another day like this..

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Permalink Reply by Teri on November 29, 2009 at 8:58pm

My Andrew and I were together for 7 years and I celebrated our 4th anniversary about a month and 5 days after his death. He was killed in a car wreck that hurt or killed everyone in the car but me. I am depressed, and I cannot do anything to make that go away. I am on the meds, 8 of them to be exact and nothing helps. I just see flashes of that day over and over again .. in my dreams, while I drive, when I am with family and friends... it doesnt matter, I feel as though I died with him that day, and most days wake up wishing that I had not. I know what he would have wanted for me, but honestly he is not here so I have hard time worrying about what he thinks. I have had nothing but doctor after doctor appointments, therapy, appointments for my children who are still recovering from the accident , and I feel as though whoever I used to be died right there in that car with my husband. I feel guilty if I enjoy enaything, I cannot seem to get enough will and get up and go to move forward, and in general feel as though I am standing still on the side of the road begging for help, but no one hears me. I have so much support, and I am thankful for that, but the truth is, they have all gone back to their lives and I am stuck in a hell of my own that not one person in my life understands it. I am trying, God knows how I try but I am so angry with God and my husband, and most of all the man who caused all of this pain in my life. I did not deserve this. I am a young 34 year old woman who waited until I was almost 30 to marry my husband, I wanted one marriage and one life with that person, and I feel as though I was cheated, that I was given a taste of what could have been ... and then it was all taken away. I lost everything that day, my home, my car, my children's future without this horrible event in their lives, but most of all I lost me.. I am still sitting on the side of the road in Wyoming, in a field where no one seems to be able to reach me... Maybe it's because I don't want to be reached.. maybe this was supposed to be when I left this earth to be with him.. and that was stolen from me. I do not ever think that I will move on, forward or out of this dark place I am in .. I have no desire too.... I want him so badly that it hurts when I breathe, It hurts when I laugh or smile because he is not here to share that with me. I will not hurt myself intentionally because I know that my children deserve better than that, but trust me when I say I go to bed every night, asking God to set me free so that I can just drift away into the dark that surrounds me. I am not the same and I do no longer have the dreams that I used to have ... I am in a black hole.. and I honestly don't think I will make it out.. I am just waiting for my girls to be old enough to be on their own , and then I will crawl into bed.. and hopefully never get up again ... Im worried for me too, but I have no care and no reason for anything to be good in my life again. With him I knew that I could do anything ... and now .. I feel as though I do not even exist in this world.

Missmylove47 said:

Dear Teri,

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Andrew.
I understand your pain, I just lost my beloved husband just a month ago, October 26, 2009. From a sudden and unexpected death as well. My God Teri, you sound very depressed sweetie, I am concerned about your well being. It has been 7 months, and you still on so much pain.In your comment you mentioned about you're seeing doctors, doing therapy, and taking medications and nothing is working? Something must be wrong Teri. First you have to accept that your husband Andrew died, he is not longer HERE with you. Second of all, you need to realize that you "Still Alive'' and need to take care of yourself, how you are doing is just hurting yourself....giving up! Where is your faith in God Teri? I am sorry I no meant to be hard on you.....I just worry about you! You need to stand up and move on with your life, you must want to help yourself...no one can do that but you. Look around you, how many people loves, care & needs you right now?
You are so luck to have family to comfort you Teri. I don't ....I just have
my only daughter, and God to comfort me, and I making it! Believe me I feel so much pain right now, my heart is so broken in peaces, I miss so much the love of my life....my John. We were together for 10 years married almost 8 yrs. He and my daughter, and our 4 little poodles were everything I always could count on. He died it is very difficult, painful, and devastating. I cry off and on, I have bad days and better days. I feel lonely, suddenly all financial responsability is my shoulders. So look at the picture. Lonely, financial problems, no family to count on, daughter to take care, no job right now, because I quit my job to take care of husband full time cause he was very sick. Plus I have to grieve and find strengh and have clear mind to take control of my life again .......as a widow. I have no motivation for even go outdoors, but I push myself Teri. I am depressed too, I know I needed help ...so I saw my doctor, and he prescribed me antidepressive medication which actually is helping me. Please not expect someone to rescue you if don't want to be rescued...you need to wish to live and looking forward. Each one of us come to this world with a mission, and time to born and die. Life is a long journey for someone, and short for others. Your husband still alive in your heart and spiritual world, looking after you as an 'Angel'. His time in this world is over, nothing can bring him back he is in a better place. Your mission and life journey is not over yet....you must continue. One day, if you believe and trust God you will be reunited with your husband again Teri. Try to buy a book about grief for the loss of a spouse, I am reading one it is helping me, another think I can suggest you is write a journal, write a letter to your husband keep daily notes of how you feel. Eat well, take your vitamins, read a bible try Psalms:23 & Psalms: 91. Go to a church, maybe a quiet church during the day light some candles for your Andrew, talk to God to guide you and give you strengh. If I can do it.....you can too Teri. I am a nurse and I don't like what is see. How you are dealing with your loss. You need to fight it for your own sake Teri, and your family. Please pray....and let go, if not your husband spirit could not rest in peace. He wants you to be happy & move one with your life. Death Teri, is part of life. If you try it will get better.....take day by day. I don't know the circumstances of your husband death or what happened to him.....but be strong okay!
How old are you Teri? How long were you married?
Please let me know how you are doing please!
I am here write to me anytime.....you are not alone on this :)
God bless you and give you hope,peace and strengh.
Olivia

Permalink Reply by Anita Simmons on November 29, 2009 at 9:34pm

Dear Teri, Oct 26, 2009 my fiance passed away from a traggic plane crash caused by pilot error and that man killed my Malcolm all cause he cauldn't wait to get home and felt he was a good enough pilot to fly in a very dangerous storm. Every time a plane flies by I cry so I cry all the time. All I see is him all burnt up in that plane and spend every waking min praying for the image to get out of my head. As I read you letter here I really thought you were talking about me. I feel the same way. I am 41 yrs old and I too pray to God to just take me so I can be with my Malcolm. I promise you this, you are not alone on the side of the road. God is right there and I really believe that I am still getting out of bed cause of him. I too will lose my house, our dream in Tennessee (property we just bought to build our dream cabin), everything. My life was completly consumed by him so I ended up giving up my life and job to help him with his job and the world he felt he needed to take care of. I didn't mind then but now I have nothing to do. I have no reason to get out of bed for my kids are all grown up. I miss my cowboy so much and I know your pain. I am very worried that you are still feeling so empty after 7 months. I wish I knew how to help you. You ever, ever want to talk on the phone, it helps to talk about it, I am very happy to give you my number and you can cry to me all night if you want. I will pray every night for you. I am so sorry.

Anita

Permalink Reply by Teri on November 30, 2009 at 9:50pm

I had to sit a moment after reading your response because quite honestly I was and am a little angered by it. I know it has been 7 months, it will be eight in a few days, but when is the righ amount of time for me to grieve. I woke up, bloody, in a storm with my husband draped across me. I could not find my eldest child and my youngest had severe traumatic brain injury. I walked through a foot of snow barefoot to flag down someone to help me and all the while had no idea what happened, where we were and if anyone in my car was alive. Yes I have PTSD, I have a therapist that I work with one on one, I follow my medications and only have one doctor who prescribes them. I am told every single day that the pain will get better, and I keep waiting for that day to come. For me, the only thing that I ever hear is the sound of them shocking my 31 year old husbands heart, I hear the doctor asking me to sign for 6 pints of blood for my husband, ask me to sign paperwork to transfer my baby girl to a hospital one state over, and watch as they put 500 staples and stitches into my oldest daughter who was cut open and broken. After all of that, I then see constantly my husband, naked, full of tubes and contraptions to try and save his life to no avail, I held his hand as he died and they turned off machine after machine. I see the coroner's van in the ambulance bay where I went to smoke a ciggarette becuase I felt as though I was going to explode, and I did this all 1200 miles from home .. alone because no one could get to us due to this "unexpected" storm that we got caught in. I have since spent this last 7 months in and out of 5 hospitals, in 4 states and all of this because someone was in a hurry to get home and didnt see my car, in the emergency lane , with my flashers on and we were hit by a Semi Truck at 70 miles an hour... last thing I remember about my husband... watching him remove his seatbelt so that he could get out of the car and remove the ice and snow buildup that was stopping the wipers from working. We pulled over to make sure that we were safe as were the others on the road that day.I am sorry if hoping to die is not God's will, and trust me I have my fair share of anger with him at this time as well. I lost EVERYTHING that day, it was not an obsession with my husband, it was a complete and utter devastation of every dream that I have had in the last 7 years. I didn't get to build a future with my husband, I barely got to lay a foundation.. as for our children, biologically they are not his, he was in a legal sense only a " step father", but try and explain that to my 7 year old, because she has no idea what that even refers to in her life. They do have an active father in their life, they get to go back to school and go on ... amazing how children cope like that. I personally, well I stick a smile on my face, get up everyday, drive my kids to school and then ... and ONLY then do I allow this to overwhelm me. I can't say that I wish I was alive and happy because I do not, I am consumed by his death, the man who killed him and the fact that I will NEVER again see, hear or be held by the man I waited so patiently for ...Yes, by the book I have been angry, sad, numb, I have begged God, I have prayed and now .. I am nothing.. This is not being alive, this is not even existing, its just a hole that I cannot see the end of , and I certainly cannot see the opening at the top. I cannot eat, I do not sleep, I am on medicines to boost my anti depressants, anxiety meds so that I can get through a day without having a breakdown because some one is wearing his cologne, and I have meds to take because I was harmed as well in the wreck, but it has taken all these months to truly identify what is causing all my pain and illnesses. I am 34, in debt almost a million dollars, I spend most days at appointments for the three of us, and the rest of the time on the phone with lawyers, DA's and victim advocates. This wreck has consumed my life and there is no way out of it ... So when .. WHEN .. will I ever feel as though I am the one who needs help? When is it time for the silence to make me feel ok and safe and secure again.. I am doing all that I can to get out of this depression... the only thing that I can think is God must be busy .. maybe I was supposed to die that day, but in all the comotion, he forgot me there.. or maybe, I just get to live in hell right here on earth.

Missmylove47 said:

Dear Teri,

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband Andrew.
I understand your pain, I just lost my beloved husband just a month ago, October 26, 2009. From a sudden and unexpected death as well. My God Teri, you sound very depressed sweetie, I am concerned about your well being. It has been 7 months, and you still on so much pain.In your comment you mentioned about you're seeing doctors, doing therapy, and taking medications and nothing is working? Something must be wrong Teri. First you have to accept that your husband Andrew died, he is not longer HERE with you. Second of all, you need to realize that you "Still Alive'' and need to take care of yourself, how you are doing is just hurting yourself....giving up! Where is your faith in God Teri? I am sorry I no meant to be hard on you.....I just worry about you! You need to stand up and move on with your life, you must want to help yourself...no one can do that but you. Look around you, how many people loves, care & needs you right now?
You are so luck to have family to comfort you Teri. I don't ....I just have
my only daughter, and God to comfort me, and I making it! Believe me I feel so much pain right now, my heart is so broken in peaces, I miss so much the love of my life....my John. We were together for 10 years married almost 8 yrs. He and my daughter, and our 4 little poodles were everything I always could count on. He died it is very difficult, painful, and devastating. I cry off and on, I have bad days and better days. I feel lonely, suddenly all financial responsability is my shoulders. So look at the picture. Lonely, financial problems, no family to count on, daughter to take care, no job right now, because I quit my job to take care of husband full time cause he was very sick. Plus I have to grieve and find strengh and have clear mind to take control of my life again .......as a widow. I have no motivation for even go outdoors, but I push myself Teri. I am depressed too, I know I needed help ...so I saw my doctor, and he prescribed me antidepressive medication which actually is helping me. Please not expect someone to rescue you if don't want to be rescued...you need to wish to live and looking forward. Each one of us come to this world with a mission, and time to born and die. Life is a long journey for someone, and short for others. Your husband still alive in your heart and spiritual world, looking after you as an 'Angel'. His time in this world is over, nothing can bring him back he is in a better place. Your mission and life journey is not over yet....you must continue. One day, if you believe and trust God you will be reunited with your husband again Teri. Try to buy a book about grief for the loss of a spouse, I am reading one it is helping me, another think I can suggest you is write a journal, write a letter to your husband keep daily notes of how you feel. Eat well, take your vitamins, read a bible try Psalms:23 & Psalms: 91. Go to a church, maybe a quiet church during the day light some candles for your Andrew, talk to God to guide you and give you strengh. If I can do it.....you can too Teri. I am a nurse and I don't like what is see. How you are dealing with your loss. You need to fight it for your own sake Teri, and your family. Please pray....and let go, if not your husband spirit could not rest in peace. He wants you to be happy & move one with your life. Death Teri, is part of life. If you try it will get better.....take day by day. I don't know the circumstances of your husband death or what happened to him.....but be strong okay!
How old are you Teri? How long were you married?
Please let me know how you are doing please!
I am here write to me anytime.....you are not alone on this :)
God bless you and give you hope,peace and strengh.
Olivia