My Wife of 12 years died this past Monday

It has been the worst week of my entire life. I have lost my wife of 12 years unexpectedly. She was fine Saturday and had gone out with her girlfriend to a movie. Sunday she woke up with some pain she thought was bad gas. It progressed to the point we went to the ER about 7pm and it was found she had an obstructed bowel.

Our surgeon took her to surgery Monday morning and reported back to me that she had a piece of bowel that had been squeezed off and died of about 4 inches. It had also leaked some fluid into the abdominal cavity.

She developed Septic Shock and was eventually taken to the ICU and ended up dieing there by 8:15.

There was no warning about this problem and no time to adjust that afternoon after they took her to the ICU. I sat with the chaplain as they worked on her but there was nothing they could really do.

I have spent my week crying and begging God to take care of my Angel and to make her pain free. Asking for strength to do whatever I am going to have to do.

I feel so numb tonight but the day started out with me crying as I prayed again. I just have no idea how I will survive from day to day. My depression is so dark.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Leaver on February 16, 2010 at 2:36pm

Charlie, there isn't anything that any of us can say that will make your walk now ANY easier. We all feel that horrible, very deep scar that you are feeling. Just as we eat, sleep & breathe differently, so will you walk your grief path differently. Several things I know to be a fact...you WILL grieve = let it happen...however it feels right to YOU. Don't allow friends, family to influence what's right or wrong. You spent lots of years with your beloved, you'll know what's right when you hear it. As has already been advised, do nothing about "stuff" right now...it will be some time before you will know it's time to pack up/give away things. I didn't listen and there are things I would've done differently if I'd waited. Also know that the grief path IS ALL ABOUT how much it hurts they aren't by your side any longer...it's about the living and about things you won't ever do/have with her again...time cut short by death. WE NEVER fully comprehend what that vow we take "Till death do us part" really means until that day smacks us in the face. It's like a 4 by 6 = it hurts really bad. My soulmate, my lover and best friend died 1-14-06 and there are still days that I wake up and think it would be SO MUCH easier if I just didn't wake up. But of course I know that's not the answer either, so I get up and get my day started sometimes for no other reason than I know Joe would want me to. There are still nights, I fall asleep "talking" to him and sharing my day and then cry myself to sleep thinking "another day down without you, my love". BUT THEY HAVE gotten fewer, and there are now more days where I can smile remembering our life together as his legacy, and knowing there are so many out there who've never been given that kind of love...I'm so lucky to have had that...even if it was a short 24yrs. My famous saying is that it gets easier, not better. And it will get easier when you've gotten farther down the road. Be good to yourself right now, we are all here for you to pound on those keys and pour your heart out...we're all good listeners because we've walked your steps...every one of us...in our own way...we are here for you GBU Charlie!

Permalink Reply by Denise MacCallum on February 16, 2010 at 2:45pm

Charlie,
I am so sorry for your loss....My thoughts and prayers go out to you....
I read this poem...Hope you like it...
When someone you love
becomes a memory
the memory becomes a treasure....
Denise

Permalink Reply by Barbara Wasilewski on February 16, 2010 at 2:55pm

My husband passed away on Oct 20th.2009 from cancer.
On Dec.18 th to Dec 22th. I was in the hospital with an obstructed bowel. They put a tube up my nose so I didn't have surgery. But I was missing him so much as we always took care of each other when sick. Did your wife have scar tissue from a previous operation? That is what caused mine.
God bless you. Hang in there as we can't do anything else.

Permalink Reply by Francine (Mondello) Mazzeo on February 16, 2010 at 4:55pm

charlie, please , please hang in there. you will be ok. stay close to your clergyman and family to help you pull through. my beloved passed 5 yrs ago unexpectedly. he also died of sepsis. it's horrible and goes quick. please now that she was not in pain. the brain has a way of letting a euphoric chemical happen at the time precise time of passing. my daughter learned this in biology class. it made us feel better to know that. but going that quick is something you cannot even comprehend and understand. please do and feel what is right for you and take one moment at a time. i will pray for you charlie
God Bless
Fran

Permalink Reply by Jeanette Kilpatrick on February 16, 2010 at 6:24pm

My husband of 60 years died last May 23. He had suffered so much and was in and out of the hospital several times. I stayed beside him most of the time. I only came home to bathe and rest. I even ate with him there lots of times. I watched his struggle for his breath. He had COPD among other things. I asked God to end his suffering, knowing that it would be by death. I never dreamed it would be so hard to live without him. We married when we were both still in our teens. I have survived now for 8 months but I ask why. I can't even think straight. The first couple of months I was in a fog. My daughter had to take me and handle all of the important things that had to be done. Now I am on my own. I can't even open some of my medicine bottles. They gave me a new camera for Christmas and I can't even figure out how to use it. My brain just does not work. I kept thinking things would get better but so far they have not. I am thankful that he is not suffering and is with God, but I don't know about myself. I do feel your pain and I offer you my deepest sympathy. I wish I could tell you that it gets better. I think I have accepted his departure but I just don't know what to do with myself. I hope you can. I know you will never stop loving her but just try to remember that she is not suffering and she would not want you to be sad forever. We always knew one of us would leave and one of us would be left. Maybe it's better for her to leave you than the other way around. Keep praying and try to find a reason to live.

Permalink Reply by Tracie on February 16, 2010 at 6:44pm

s only been a month but please believe me,you need to take care of yourself at this point.Eat,get enough rest and most of all,pray for the strengh to survive this most agonizing loss you will have.

Permalink Reply by Steve Cain on February 16, 2010 at 9:36pm

Charlie,
You have my deepest sympathies. As has been already said here. your grief is unique to you, and whatever you do is OK because it is you. Never let anyone tell you what or how to feel . None of us would say that to each other here and we are all in the same group. Trust me, there will be many days with tears, this coming Sunday marks 8 months and I STILL cry. Do what you need to do and let others either accept it or move out of your way so you can do what feels right for you. Keep in touch here, we all care.

Permalink Reply by Missmylove47 on February 17, 2010 at 5:17am

Dear Charlie,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife, so suddenly and unexpected. I truly understand your pain. I've been through the same pain when I lost my husband of 10 years due to 'ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm' on October 26, 2009 almost 4 months ago. It happened in minutes, he died in the way to the hospital inside my car in the front passenger seat just next to me. It is very hard I still on pain, and crying missing him every day. Charlie you will experience so many feelings and emotions right now. It is normal, and part of grieving. Numbness, disbelieve, anger, guilty, depression and see everything dark and cloud is all process of the grieving and loss. Cry off and on, emotions will like a rollecoaster up and down. We all who lost a loved one had experienced the same.
It is hard and painful, but you will get stronger time by time. You are doing the right thing praying. God loves each one of us, and he is helping us go through our loss by giving us strength, and guiding us. Have faith and be stronger.....God bless, my prayers & thoughts are with you.

If need someone to talk ....you can write to me.

Permalink Reply by Chuck on February 20, 2010 at 11:40pm

Tom said:

My name is Tom.
I noticed the date of janurary 9th above.
My wife died December 9th 2009. Her cancer came back and this time it was terminal. The depression you are feeling can and will take on many forms, as I am finding out for myself. I have to tell you though that I am going get past this.
I know that my wife does not want me to be feeling this way. As hard as it will be I am going to start feeling better. I trust that you feel that your wife would want you to do the same. I don't know how yet, but I'll make it. I made two promises to my wife before she died. One is that I'll finish fixing-up the house, and that I will take care of our 12 cats. And myself. Not in any perticular order.
Now here's my story just for you ! The one day my wife Loni came out of unconsciousness while in the hospital and was so alert but could not talk, she took my hand to her mouth, I thought she was going to kiss my hand, instead she put my finger in her mouth and bit it hard, then smiled at me. It made me laugh so hard. She really loved me. Our cats would do that to her all the time and I know that was what she was doing to me. It was a way to show affection when she could not talk. I was a part of my wifes life when she needed ME the most. The final part. My life has to find it's way again. And I can still feel that bite, and it makes me smile ! Tom
There's more to this story, but for now this is the important part.