Was it my fault?

I had a friend that killed himself on my birthday 4 years ago. I guess I am thinking more and more about him since his birthday would have been Feb. 28. Ours was a long and troubled past. We met when I was 14. I am now 42. Twelve years ago, he called me to say he was going to kill himself. He wanted to apologize for all the wrongs and hurt that he had caused me over the years. There was something in his voice. I TRULY believed that he was going to kill himself. I went running to him, knocked on his door only to be shot in the chest with a .357 magnum gun, and a hollow point bullet. The bullet splattered inside and out. I was in ICU for a week, the hospital a month. I almost died. He served less than 2 years. He was released but then a couple of years later, he killed himself. He blamed me for his sad life. So he took his life. Was it my fault. I think of him everyday. How can I not. I am in severe physical pain. But still, I didn't want him to hurt himself. Especially in such a violent way. I tried to help him. Even when he was in prision, I was able to talk to him, send him letters of support. It just wasn't enough. He still killed himself. Was is my fault? Why did he have to do it on my birthday? I have conflicting thoughts. I want to call him selfish. He knew about the pain I am in. He knew it was my birthday. It's been over 12 years now. Why can't I let go? Why do I feel like it's all my fault? He was living a lifestyle that I couldn't be a part of. I tried to help him so much, to the point I almost lost my life..... So why do I feel so guilty? Can anyone help?

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Permalink Reply by ginger on February 25, 2010 at 12:23am

nope, not your fault. he was obviously haunted by feelings you werent responsible for, pain you couldnt control and in such a state of mind that
no matter what you did he would have probably done the same thing, with the exception of shooting you. you cannot control life or death. Sooner or later he
would have found help on his own or done the unimaginable like he did. We are all in a club we didnt volunteer for, didnt sign up for and never intended to
join. unfortunately we are the sufferers now but the suffering he must have
gone through until his death was inconceivable to you or others. I think you have to let this go, its been 12 years, you have a life to live and I would suggest you change the day of the year you celebrate your own BIRTHDAY. I can sympathise with you because on my birthday my son in law committed suicide. Take solice in the fact you can continue and lose the guilt, it certainly wasnt your fault the lifestyle he lived or how he died. We can only control our own actions, not those of others.

Permalink Reply by T.C. Goodwin on February 25, 2010 at 11:03am

Some blame themselves or feel guilty. Rather than torment yourself, you may find comfort in the words of Solomon (Ecclesiastes 9:5) Your love one is not being tormented in a fiery hell...And the emotional and mental anguish that led them to suicide have ended... They are not suffering.They are simply at rest. It may be best now to focus on the welfare of the living, including yourself. Rest assured that the future life prospects of those who have committed suicide are in the hand of God ( 2 Corinthians 1:3)

Permalink Reply by SUE on February 25, 2010 at 8:45pm

Well for one, Im glad he was unsuccessful in his attempt to kill you. He was obviously very disturbed. Im surprised he didnt try to kill himself right then. I dont mean to sound harsh here, but I mourn the loss of someone very near and dear to me, because someone took her life and then his own. It sounds to me like jail may have bought him a few more years on earth. He really was already gone tho. You are not reasponsible for the acts or thoughts of someone else Lisa. Nor can we can control them. Something much stronger has already taken hold.
They say murder is rage outward, and suicide is rage inward, it is a rare occurrance for someone to have both. Mourn the loss of the friend you once knew before, pity the soul who ended his life, be thankful that he didnt take you with him. It says alot about your character to still continue to care about this man, as most would just hate him. You are a really good person.
Sue

Permalink Reply by DEMI on February 28, 2010 at 12:55am

PLEASE DONT BLAME YOURSELF!!!
He tried to kill you first..remember that!!
W hen he killed himself on your birthday it was still his vindictive way of getting you..so that it would always ruin your B irthday and your life!
You must realize that this says something about who he was as a person.
May he rest in peace and may YOU be able to have peace in this world!!!
TAKE CARE..ALL THE BEST!!

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