I don't think it's gonna get better.

This is like, my third or fourth post on this website and I'm prop gettin' annoying. Sorry if I am. If you guys want me to stop posting so much, just let me know and I'll another support group.

So anyways, my past posts have been about Eric. He was 19 when he commited suicide and I had just turned 14. It's been a little over a year, he died around Christmas in 2008. I didn't know him very well, but we did shows at a community theater together and we had a lot of good laughs together. This was my first experience with death, and it was suicide so it really hit me hard, and I'm still trying to make sense of it. Before Eric died, I was already depressed. I've been depressed and suicidal for years, prop since I was 10. I'm 15 now, as of November 2009. Nothing seems to get better. I've never had any friends, and no one to talk to. My friendship with Eric was just started to blossem, and we had started having more serious conversations. I think he would have been a really good friend to me. I have literally only one friend. But he doesn't really understand the feelings I'm' having. He's great and listens to me rant on about all of this stuff, and I'm so thankfull for that because tlaking helps. But he doesn't know what to day after I'm ddone venting, and I need advice. I don't know what to do! my whole life, as i said, has been a mess. I've been depressed and suicidal and i think about killing myself every single day. I dont think ill ever kill myself, but i still think about it. yesterday, i found a bunch of pills in my room. pain killers. i smashed them up and threw them away because i was afraid that if i kept them i would be temped to swallow them all. my house is a mad house. my parents are ALWAYS yelling. my dad is only home on weekends because hes a truck driver and on sunday he threw a huge fit and left.i hate living here. i hate this town because everywhere i go im reminded of eric. if i go the beach, im reminded how he liked walking in the sand. if its dark and i see stars, im reminded how we starwatched. everything about this town makes me sick and sad. i want to move in with my grandma, who, besides my other friend, is the only person i can honestly say that i love with my whole heart. she understnads me much more then my paretns ever will. if i asked her, im almost positive shed let me move in with her. she already has a spare bedroom that i sleep in whenever i spend the night. but i know my parents will say no because they have no idea how their fighting and everything thats going on is affecting me. every time i try to tell my mom or have a serious converstaion she tells me im just being dramatic and to get over it. i want to go buy some pot and get caught smoking it just so my parents kick me out to live with my grandma. i want to sneak out to my friends house, and let my parents find out when i dont come home in the morning. i just want to get caught doing something bad so i dont have to live anymore,. i hate it here. i want to tell them im commiting suicide, just so they send me to a mental hospital. id rather live on the streets then live here. ive always felt that way. but the pain of losing Eric has made it even worse. i just want my life to be the way it was before..

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 1, 2010 at 2:26pm

Liz do you go to church any place or have friends that do? You need to talk to someone. Be it at school or church. You don't really want to take your life you just want a better life and you want the pain to stop. Your to young to be hurting so bad.. you are myself when I was younger. I wished that I'd had the courage to turn to another adult rather than run away. In running away I found no matter where I went there I was and so were the same problems and then some. I'm sorry about Eric.. we may not always be around real soon to answer here but we will, just give us time and keep posting it's ok. Just try to take my advice.

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 1, 2010 at 4:05pm

I do go to a church, I'm Catholic. I talk to my priest about these things when I go to confession, and he gives me advice. I follow his advice and for a little while I feel happy. But then something will happen, like my dad losing his temper again and I'll forget all about it and go back to feeling like this within just a day or two. I don't have anyone to talk to except for my grandma, but I hardly see her. She lives about 30 minutes away and when I do see her, there are people around. So it's very hard to talk about these things with her. Like I said, I literally have one friend, Daniel. But sometimes I feel like it's not enough. I tried running away a couple months after my 13th birthday. In the end, I had to call my parents. Duh, I was 13. I wasn't really running away, I was just pretending. Just trying to get my parents to see how much pain I felt. But it didn't do anything. I know it's wrong to hate people, and that I should love my dad even though he gets mad a lot, but I find it hard.

Please don't tell me that I'm too young to be hurting this much. I've heard that way too many times, and let me tell you something. I'm not too young to feel like this because I DO feel like this.
Yvonne Hess said:

Liz do you go to church any place or have friends that do? You need to talk to someone. Be it at school or church. You don't really want to take your life you just want a better life and you want the pain to stop. Your to young to be hurting so bad.. you are myself when I was younger. I wished that I'd had the courage to turn to another adult rather than run away. In running away I found no matter where I went there I was and so were the same problems and then some. I'm sorry about Eric.. we may not always be around real soon to answer here but we will, just give us time and keep posting it's ok. Just try to take my advice.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 1, 2010 at 5:54pm

Liz,

I didn't mean that your to young to be hurting this way. I was very young when my family got into the same kinda mess yours is so I do understand. I just meant that it's sad that your so young going thru this. But you know what? You can get thru it. You are learning some important things. Your learning how you don't want your life and your husband to be. So what's happening is shaping the choices that you will make for your life later. You can choose to do different. I did. I chose to hug my kids and tuck them in every night and tell them that I love them. Not whip them becuz they were playing in bed insted of sleeping. If I were you I'd continue to talk to the Priest as often as you can and anyone else that will listen. Why don't you ask him if he knows of any kind of programs in your arent that helps teens like yourself? You could ask at school too. Do the very best that you can in school because that's your only ticket out to a better life. I'll keep you in my prayer's.

PS. My brother Allen took his life two years ago.. I understand that kind of pain. It mess's with our minds too. Please try not to dwell on it. They made their choices and it's hard to understand why people choose the things they do when they aren't right in their minds. You have 3 more years before your on your own.. please put your energy into making a good life for yourself when you leave home. You'll be 16 in a year and able to get a job and spend less time at home. That should give you something to look forward to. Trust me you don't want to get into trouble and end up in a hospital or a ward of the state. I've seen them put people on medications for mental issues when they had emotional issues, and that opens you up to a whole new world of hurt.

Permalink Reply by SUE on March 2, 2010 at 5:06pm

Liz,
You may want to try going to or calling the childrens aid or childrens services. Or try your gramma. Im not sure where you are but where I am they cant force you home at your age. Im not saying that this is your best answer, but it may be the reality, so if gramma says yes, go for it. Its a very very difficult thing to leave home, if it comes down to that. I guess the most important thing is to stay safe and be prepared. Start making inquiries about a place to live and try to move forward with your future. Be patient with yourself too ok. Friends come and go, your situation on that front is really quite normal. I never had many friends at your age either, but as I got older Ive managed to have a few true friends. True friends dont come by the dozen. Keep us posted. Remember you are not alone and please please dont create a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No more talk of committing suicide here, how about we focus on your very bright future instead.
Sue

Permalink Reply by Lynda Littrell Boyette Cass Benjamin on March 2, 2010 at 5:09pm

Liz, I lost my son to suicide 01/26/2009. The pain is almost unbearable. I too was raised in house with lots of yelling and fighting--my father was also a truck driver. I hated living in my house so much, I got married when I was 17 !!! I've suffered with depression all my life. Please try to find ANYTHING you can be passionate about, go to school and make a career of it !! Then, you'll have something of your own that gives you pleasure for the rest of your life. You won't ever be dependent on others again. If you do something illegal, you will suffer repercussions forever!! What if you want to run for President one day, haha Whatever you do now, don't do anything that is irrevocable!! Life can take a lot of changes unexpectedly. After such a horrible beginning, I've had a wonderful life. However, it didn't turn around until I was 34. I went through many dark hours--you just have to have faith in yourself--no one else can get you through life other than you. My son was the light of my life, I cry every day; but if I hadn't had him, I would never have experienced the awe of him. I now have every material thing I have ever wanted (and some I never dreamed of); but I would give them all to have him back. Please try to put those dark thoughts out of your mind and look forward to something each day that will give you pleasure. Been there, Lynda

Permalink Reply by BARBARA K. FELLER on March 2, 2010 at 7:28pm

I'm a lot older than u r but have been through an awful lot. I'm now 55 y.o. but still feel like I'm a lot younger. I will try to help u as it's in my nature to do so. I won't preach to you or put u down because that's not going to help you.
My home was awful growing up as yours is now. I was only girl from 2 families of boys. My Aunt & my mother were best friends-they married brothers. I was middle kid-2 older brothers & 1 younger. My mother never nurtured me-not at all-she's got her own 'big' problems. She treated me like dirt-she would sew me clothes and taught me how to do chores & cook, but I was the brunt of her. There was never anything I could do ''right'' according to her. She start yelling/screaming for no reason, she was always nervous and she spent 90% of her time w/her church duties, 7% w/Southern Railroad ladies, and 3% w/her family. If u tried to tell her that 'it's upsetting me when u say t his or do that' her reply was whining/be-moaning her fate, and crying at the drop of a hat, "You don't love me!" "Why are u picking on me?" 'You've upset me so much that I can't eat, etc.' Get my drift? Duh! No matter how I'd try to approach her, she was impossible to get along with. My father knew that too. He told me when he came home from WWII that he was home about 6 wks & knew he'd made a mistake staying married to her. Yet he stayed for 66 yrs. He was a wonderful dad growing up & we were very close but after retiring & being around my mother 24/7/365 he became a raging full-blown alien-alcoholic & violent for the 1st time in his life. Anyway, I have a genius iq & figured out when I was about 8 y.o. that I'd never get from her what I craved so much. I begged her to spend time w/me, would ask her to let me help u do something u need help w/around the house-other than my regular chores, so that she'd spend time w/me. But she never would. I am talented w/my music so I was lucky that I could join the choir. That along with MYF (Methodist Youth Fellowship) which was part of our United Methodist Church. I went to church for fellowship, made friends and went to evening youth fellowship services-just for the youth. We also did other activities during summer. I went away on choir tours for 2 wks in summer. I was talented with my voice & in special small group. Our youth choir during the year also visited/sang at other churches in NOLA area & traveling to Miss. & Texas sometimes. Then I spent 2 weeks at our church's summer camp in Miss. which was so much fun. As a Girl Scout I had those meetings, camp outs plus Jamborees. The camp outs were usually for a week-end & Jamborees for at least 1 wk. twice a year. I joined swim team-working out every day plus swim tournaments. When I got home from choir tour there were no summer jobs left. I always babysat all year round but during summers I plunged & worked as much as possible. It helped me stay away from my mother. I stayed away from my mother as much as possible because she made it hell for me. She'd always be twisting my words around or lying about what I'd said to her. She would make up lies & tell my father all of this when he got home. My g.f. Ruth used to tell me "your family treats u like you are Cinderella & they r the 'evil stepsisters." Not quite true. I was close w/my oldest brother Dan & my dad & my youngest brother as ADHD-no medications at that time. I helped raise him and watched over him, trying to keep him out of my mother's hair.
I know how hard it is as I've been where u are. I am outgoing but can be shy sometimes-typical Gemini. My advice to u is, don't think you're the 'odd man out' or are so different. It's difficult to make friends but u have to sometimes force yourself to talk to other people. Many times we all don't know how to reach out to others. If u can, join a youth group. Make yourself get out of the house & go go go! If u can talk to your dad, do so. Try & talk to your mom. See if u can get into therapy-for yourself and possibly family group---if u can get them to go. My mother never would admit anything was wrong. She acted 'act like everything's ok & it is"---but she lives in Unrealityville and I never have. I became independent as much as possible. Luckily for me, Other people loved me-my dad, my brother Dan, my Aunt Edna-who lived 3 hours away. I've lost many people I loved too soon. My b.f.-Chris age 15 in junior h.s.-had transferred from N.J. to La. We had 5 out of 6 classes together & we were inseperable in school. I didn't know he'd been sick w/Leukemia. I figured he'd either been ill or had family problems because he was 2 yrs older than I was. Anyway, I came to take 2 of my final exams & Chris wasn't there. I came out of 1st exam Earth Science & had to go take my 2nd exam in Spanish. My friends all said, "Barbara, did u hear about what happened to Chris?" I said, 'No, I was wondering why he wasn't here today." Well, he went home day before & told his mom, "I don't feel well. I'm going to lay down & take a nap." Only, he didn't wake up. That evening, I had to go to his wake. I was only 13 y.o. & that was my 1st real brush w/death. But I'm a survivor. U can be too. Do not give in to those thoughts. Get a good book called 'Unstuck' by Dr. James Gordon. It's about dealing w/depression, & anxiety & not relying on drugs which are ok for short term but not for long term treatment. He had a bad bout w/depression in college years & knows what he's talking about. Also, on Dr. Phil show old episode called 'Stressed out to the Max" go to drphil.com. Dr. Frank Lawliss talks about depression & has ways to combat it w/out drugs. Don't u ever give up. It will get easier. Don't let life beat u up. There is always tomorrow. I promise life can get better. It has it's ups & downs but it's worth it. Try to be involved w/some groups that will have a positive influence on you--even if it's just online but in person will be better. I will wish u good luck & keep u in my prayers. Don't be afraid to make new friends!

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 5, 2010 at 7:28am

You guys don't get it... Sorry.

I've said it a million times by now... It's impossible for me to get any therapy or help right now. I'm homeschooled, so I don't have anything at school that can help me either. Any type of therapy that I might need, I won't be able to get until I move out. It's complicated.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 5, 2010 at 9:38pm

Liz I believe if you really want help you will get it no matter the cost. Reach out and just do it. Let the chips fall where they may. I believe that God's on your side.. nothing ventured nothing gained. i understand that you believe that you have no way out.. but if you really want help.. go for it.

Permalink Reply by Ka'ai on March 6, 2010 at 9:02am

Hi Liz! So you're a homeschooler! So is my seventeen year old son and he just got his diploma. It must be boring at times for you. He gets a little bored too. But now that he's graduated, he's focusing on the near future as to what he wants to do with his life. From my experience with my children, parents need to occupy their children's TIME! And fill it with quality! I don't know your family situation, but I do know that if I could turn back time and do things a little different, I would! I haven't always been there for my older children due to working three jobs. Raising children in Hawaii is not easy. Especially when they eat a lot! Anyways, I or no one else can know exactly what you're going through on the inside. It is only between you and God! It is very sad that you have to feel this way at such a young age, but it seems as though you don't have much of a choice! As if you don't have positive, fun things or activities to fill your time. And you've experienced a loss that has definitely taken a toll on your life! Sweetie, if I was there, I'd give you a big hug! The good thing for you is that you have some support here on this site. But I know it's different from having someone in person to talk to. I'm sure everyone feels the same way. But, if there's a little word of encouragement that we can share with you than that's what we're here for! You seem like a young firecracker who has so much ahead of you and I'm sure you have your future all planned out. Hold on to that! Know that soon will be able to make your own decisions and be your own person. But for now you live under your parents roof and the Bible says we must obey them. Yeah, it sucks, cause at this age, your mind and your body are going through so many changes, and you want to do more, and do it your way! That I understand cause I felt the same way when I was your age. So, for now, if it helps to scream out loud on this forum, than by all means, go right ahead! Cause we're listening! And we care a lot! Like I said, just wish I could be there in person! Take it one day at a time sweetie! You'll make it through! Sounds like you already have! Find the one thing in life that makes you wake up everyday to want to continue living! And hold on to that! Hope to hear from you soon! In the meantime, Take care!! Much Aloha! Kaai

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 6, 2010 at 10:50am

*nods head in dissagrement*

2 years and 8 months left till im living in North Caralina, away from my dad.

Enough positive attitude for ya'?

Permalink Reply by SUE on March 6, 2010 at 11:33am

Actually Liz it is ! Nods head in Agreement !

Liz said:

*nods head in dissagrement*

2 years and 8 months left till im living in North Caralina, away from my dad.

Enough positive attitude for ya'?

Permalink Reply by Liz on March 6, 2010 at 11:35am

whatever, im just tired of living like this, and everytime i start talking to someone about it, they tell me to get therapy. if i could, i would. but i cant. no one seems to understand that. im 15, and i live everyday of my life hoping ill get struck by lightneing or hit by a car.