I have never done anything like this before but I'm trying anything to help me cope with the loss of my Dad and I think it might help if I just get some things out. My Dad passed away last month after a very long battle with emphysema. He had been on a ventilator for three months, but his lungs were so damaged that he passed while on the vent. He isn't suffering anymore, and that thought is the only thing giving me any comfort right now. My Dad and I had such a special relationship... we loved hanging out together and watching sports or even just talking. In recent years, he wasn't able to get out much because he was oxygen dependent, but still my favorite part of the day was coming home from school and having lunch with him. It didn't matter that he couldn't go places or do things like most Dads... we just loved spending time together.
The worst part of all of this is that he was far too young to die. He had just turned 63 when he passed, and I'm a 20-year-old college sophomore. It hurts so much when I think about how he won't see me graduate college, or walk me down the aisle, or meet his future grandchildren. I thought about taking time off from school but I decided that he would have wanted me to do well and carry on in my classes, so I'm trying my best to do that, as hard as it is.
I know that I'm lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did, because some people lose their fathers at much younger ages, but I love him so much that it hurts and the thought of never seeing him or talking to him again makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I find myself crying about him every single day, and I've been visiting the cemetery almost every day just to tell him about my day and things like that. It makes me feel better and closer to him, but is it normal for me to do that? I feel like my heart has been broken into a million pieces. I don't want to let my grief consume me, but on the other hand I'm afraid that if I suppress it I'll end up having a breakdown years later. Everyone keeps telling me that eventually I won't be sad all the time and instead I'll be able to think about the good memories and smile. I pray that one day I'll be able to do that, but right now it seems impossible.
Thank you for listening...