Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Donna C. on April 5, 2010 at 2:23pm

It is helpful to me to hear how difficult being a widow can be, even after 22 months. I lost my husband only 7 months ago. You are right about not being the same person you were before. I have felt overwhelmingly that my entire life changed the day my husband died. We were married almost 26 years. No one (except perhaps my husband) knew how really sick he was. He went in for a triple bypass on a Saturday morning, and 10 days later he succumbed to multiple organ failure. I play the scenes of those days over and over again. And cry. Everyone says, oh, remember all of the good times. I can do that, and sometimes do, but the sadness of those last difficult days is still so vivid. Everything reminds me of him. Grocery shopping food choices -- I bought things because he liked them -- now what? Commercials on TV for the medical center that treated him. So ironic. They did what they could. It was such a grinding painful time. And I'm left to be a single parent like you, Kim. We gained legal custody of our two grandchildren, aged 8 and 13. Being a single parent is so difficult! I miss my husband every day as well. Holidays are especially difficult. Everything seems so unfamiliar. My church was very very helpful and caring during those days he was hospitalized, and for the memorial service that followed. But now I haven't been attending church and I don't understand why. You walk around feeling like you have a sign on you that says "Widow". I cry on the phone when I have to cancel things or change the name on things that bear his name. He still gets mail. I want to say -- don't you know? He isn't here any more! People say you can talk to the person that died and find that comforting. I can't talk to him. I don't feel him with me as some people say they can feel. It was just so cruel and sudden. Thanks to anyone reading this post for "listening".

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 5, 2010 at 4:24pm

Donna yes I know all the feelings to well. I never would have quessed I would be without Barry at 47 years of age. He was 53 when he passed away. We had been in a car wreck in Sept. 2006. He spent 9 months of 2007 out of work. He returned to work only to have more neck and back pains. He had surgery in Nov 2007. We thought he would get better. Then without warning he started to pass out. He spent 4 1/2 weeks total in hospital between Feb and march 2008. They ran all these tests to tell us his blood pressure was dropping when he stood up . He would be 60/40, 50/30 sometimes higher and sometimes lower. They said his brain was not telling his body to reculate the blood over his body. They said what he had was not rare but uncommon. I never understood what the difference was. They send us to Duke where the doctor gave us hope he could help him. We thought he was getting better. On june 5th 2008 I had fixed his breakfast and was going to take my 6 year old to my moms because Barry had a doctors appointment later that day. I left he was sitting watching TV and said he was going to lay on the bed to do his exercises for his back and neck. I went to run a couple of errands. When my oldest son got home from school he was 14 at the time. He called me to tell me he got home. I ask where his Dad was and he said a sleep on bed. I told him to try and wake him up. He could not and I said hang up and call 911. I called a neighbor and ask her to go over there. Barry had passed away they think not long after I left. I will say my church has been my saving grace. It was hard to go to church but I had to for my kids. I know Barry would want that. you should try and go back. Barry said I am sraced of leaving you and the kids but I do know if I leave this earth I will go to meet my lord. So I have to make sure I honor how God so I will go to be with Barry when I leave here too. I really can't call my self a s---le mom or a w--ow. I know that is what I am but I can't bring myself to say. I never wanted this. I am crying just typing this. I pray you will return to church where you are loved.

Permalink Reply by Dotti on April 5, 2010 at 6:04pm

Hello Ladies,
I can relate to all your postings. I lost my Donnie just 5 weeks ago. I also cannot us the W word. I sometimes think he's going to walk in the door. Im trying to sort out my feelings and Im totally confused. Other people on this site say they cant eat or sleep. I can. Does that make me bad? I feel like Im ok as long as someone is around. then when I have alone time Im a mess. Does this happen to any one else? Ive had people ask me why Im still wearing my wedding rings? This to me is such a stupid questions. I ask myself if Im being to sensative? I really dont know. Some people say they can feel their love one or maybe hear their voice. Im begging for that to happen. I talk to Donnie all the time. Has he maybe not crossed over yet? Or is he already there. At first I thought if it wasnt for my kids I would do what ever I had to to join him. But then I thought if I did that maybe God wouldnt accept me in heaven and Id never be with my Donnie. I have had some tough times but this by far takes the cake. My daughter and I are going for grief counseling. I just cant seem to handle this to well. I miss my Donnie and I would do anything to bring him back. I want to hear his voice so bad. I wish I would have thought to record something. We had such plans.. all for nothing. Tell anyone you know to live their life to the fullest with the person they love. It means nothing when that special someone is gone.

Permalink Reply by Yvonne on April 5, 2010 at 8:03pm

Hi Dotti
I am so sorry for your loss. Your loss is so new and raw. You probably are still in the fog state. I lost my husband 7 months ago to a heart attack. It was sudden and although a huge shock, I am at least grateful that he didn't suffer. He passed in his sleep. I too still wear my wedding rings. I can't bear to take them off and will do so when I am ready, not when someone else thinks I should. Those people that are questioning you have not experienced the loss of a spouse. When it happens to them only then will they understand. Do what is right for you. No, being able to sleep and eat does not make your bad. Each person handles their grief in their own unique way. We all have the empty painful feeling in the chest. I think that is pretty common. I too hate the W word and cry every time I have to fill in a form and have to check that box. You have come to the right place to express your feelings. Any thing you say is not something that we all have not felt, thought or said at some point. It is a long winding road with many ups and downs but together we will all make it.
Take care Yvonne

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 5, 2010 at 8:41pm

Yes ladies I have had people ask some things that should not be asked. I lost Barry 22 months ago and I have been ask if I am dating anyone (that would be a NO!!!!) and I had someone say I heard you got remarried (that would also be a NO!!!!) Barry and I were together for almost 24 years. I never thought of my life without him. I do know other people who also ave losed their husbands at a early age to different things. It is easier to talk to them because if you cry they know how you are feeling inside. I did go to counseling at Hospice ( I didnt know before you could go if your loved one didnt pass away from cancer. I went to indiviual and group) it did help but i have not been in a while but sometimes think I dod need to go back. There are things that are hard to talk to people who know about. I also want to hear his voice , call him on the phone when the kids have done something I know he would be proud of. We always talked on the phone several times a day. Just hearing his voice I still got goose bumps after all these years. A friend of mine who is a male told me the other day it will be hard for me to ever find someone who treated me as well as Barry. That we had such a special and wonderful marriage that it would be hard to find that again. I know this is so true but we will see what God has planned.

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 5, 2010 at 8:43pm

Also yes I still wear my wedding rings and I wear a necklas with a eagle that I gave him about a year afer we started dating he wore it al the time and I wear his wedding ring and a heart locket with his picture and our wedding picture in it. I have wore it everyday since it passed away.

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 5, 2010 at 9:15pm

Kim, It is almost 5 months since I lost my husband of 46 years. We too had an excellent marriage. Although there were times when we didn't completely agree with each other, we never let it cause a problem. He was my husband, but most of all, he was my best friend. I am still going through the "firsts" but every holiday and every day is very difficult. I have three beautiful daughters, two sons-in-law that are like sons to me, and five of the most gorgeous grandchildren. They all do everything that they possibly can to make it easier for me. They are all grieving too. People will say the most insensitive things because they have not experienced what we are living through. I cry every day. I sleep, when I can sleep, holding his picture. If only we could turn back the hands of time, what a wonderful world it would be. You need to go on for your children. They need you now more than ever and I am sure that they are hurting inside. I hope that you find happiness at some time. We all just need to go on minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I have a very different outlook on death since losing my husband. I was always afraid of dying but now I just cannot wait until I can be there holding his hand again. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by Connie on April 5, 2010 at 9:29pm

Hi Kim,

I wear my wedding ring and also a 'memorial ring which is a teardrop with a rose in it' and I will never take them off. I also wear a 'reunion heart' which is a heart with a little piece in the shape of a teardrop which designates the part of my heart that he took with him. My heart will be whole again when I am reunited with him. I still consider myself married to my husband. Maybe it is a foolish way to feel but as long as I am breathing, I will continue to be his wife. We had a good marriage in every way. Every couple has a disagreement now and then. If they didn't I don't think they would be human. But, something we were told on our wedding day was 'never go to bed at night angry'. I think that was the best advice and it really helped solidify a good relationship. I loved him and still continue to love him. I look forward to the day that I will be with him again.


People who have not experienced our loss can be very insensitive to the feelings you face day to day and hour to hour. People also seem to feel that after a few weeks you should have gotten a grip on life and start living again. If only it were that easy.

I hope we will all get through this time as best we can. This website is one of the most helpful things that I have found. The people are great and everyone understands and no one judges. You can really pour out your feelings and someone else has or is having the same issues. My heart and prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by Susan on April 5, 2010 at 9:43pm

I really do feel your pain. My husband of 27 years passed away 3 months ago. It becomes more and more unbearable as each day passes. He suffered so severely with kidney failure, blindness and ulcerated feet for the past three years. It was so devastating to watch him in so much pain. I kept him at home and vowed to never send him to a nursing home....I took care of him unselfishly. The last few days before he departed us was so terrible...he lost his ability to walk and was in excrutiating pain. I cannot stop thinking about those days because they are still so vivid in my mind. I do have two wonderful grown children, 25 and 20. They are the reason I get up in the morning and complete my commitments for the day. I feel alone, though......I only hope that the days ahead will become easier to cope with.

Permalink Reply by Diane on April 6, 2010 at 1:28am

My husband passed away 5 weeks ago at the age of 53, we had just celebrated our 13th anniversary together,I knew when I met him that was was sick,(kidney disease) but that didn't mean anything, because he was truly my soul-mate my everything. People said at the wake that even though he was sick I gave him the happiest 13 years of his live, but that's not true, He gave me the happiest 13 yrs of my life,but I wanted more...I don't understand why God took him away from me.....My days are ok, it's the nights that I have a problem with, as you can tell it's 2:15 am..We had no children, just 4 little cats that I love so much they keep me going. This was the first marriage for both of us.

Kim,where did you find the Memorial ring?would like to get one,plus I am looking for a heart locket to put some of his ashes into. I still wear my wedding rings, plus I wear Johns necklace that has a christ head pendant which he wore evey day,I feel a little closer to him by wearing it. At the hospital I removed his wedding band & put it on this necklace which I will never take off.

Thanks, Diane

Permalink Reply by Kim Hawkins on April 6, 2010 at 6:45am

Diane , Connie was the one who said she wore a memorial ring. Maybe she will say where she got that. I bought the locket at a local jewerly store and they ordered and I had it engraved with our love is forever and our wedding date on it. My husband was 53 also. We had dated almost 8 years and were married almost 16 years when he passed away. I miss him everyday ans still cry when I have to tell people he passed away. It is only because of my kids who are 15 and 6 that I get up everyday and face this world. Some days I just want to stay home and lock myself away from this world and the pain. I have always been a happy person seeing the positive in life. Now I dont like seeing happy couples laughung and smilling. I feel so bad feeling this way. I have never been this kind of person. My children do not like to see me cry and I realized that they had not seen me cry but a couple of times before Barry passed away. I never had a reason to cry alot.

Susan- i do took care of my husband after our car accident. The last 5 months of his life he had to have help shaving, taking a shower, getting to the restroom, getting dressed and I helped him with all of that and taking care of two children with busy schudules. But when he started to leave the hospital the last time they said something about sending him to a nursing home temporary and I said no. I told him wwe needed him at home, When we got married I said thur sickness i would. He helped me though two pregancys of being sick for 8 months. We were always there for each other to the end.

Permalink Reply by Diane on April 6, 2010 at 5:43pm

I'm sorry Kim about the confusion,that's what happens when you can't sleep & up at 2 am.

Connie where did you fine the Memorial ring ?? I would very much like to get one, and also a heart pendant so I can put some ashes in it. The funeral home had some that I could order but they were very expensive & the assistant there told me I'd be better to buy on line for a better price, but I don't know from which company to order from. If someone could offer any advice it would be appreciated. Thanks, Diane

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